SALISBURY, WILTSHIRE – Theresa May has warned Russia faces a “very stern telling off” if they are found to have any involvement in the poisoning of a former Russian spy.
Home Secretary Amber Rudd called the use of nerve agent a “brazen and reckless attack”, that was “attempted murder in the most cruel and public way”. She added the government would not hesitate to retaliate in the most passive-aggressive of manners.
To avoid unnecessarily upsetting anyone however, Ms Rudd remained open to the possibility the whole incident “could still be our fault really”.
“Oh, don’t mind us”
Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia were both found unconscious and slumped on a bench outside a shopping centre in Salisbury. When asked to comment on the incident that has seen over 20 people exposed in a potential mass poisoning directed by the Russian government, medics admitted they were “in a bit of a pickle”.
Ms Rudd is expected to chair a meeting of COBRA, the government’s emergency committee, to discuss ways of indirectly making Russia feel terrible without causing a scene in public.
Russia has flatly denied any involvement in the attack on Mr Skripal. Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson said the UK was “not pointing any fingers at this stage”, but confirmed the UK would not hesitate to collectively mutter angrily under its breath if the situation escalated.
The government has been forced to admit its initial plan to ask Russia to kindly stop killing people in Britain may not bring the desired result. Theresa May now stands prepared to intensify the British response if needed, but not too much that the neighbours start talking.
“It’s fine really”
Speaking in Commons, Mr Johnson stressed the UK would respond to any hint of Russian involvement in true indirect British fashion.
“We say to governments around the world that no attempt to take innocent life on UK soil will go unsanctioned or unpunished,” he insisted.
The Prime Minister said her cabinet would act swiftly if necessary. She has already moved to ask Mr Johnson to kindly ask the Russian president to let her know if he had any involvement “whenever he had a spare minute”.
Indeed, the entire government is prepared to stand up to Russia. They have not ruled out awkwardly avoiding all eye contact with Russian delegates at the next G8 meeting.
“All options remain on the table.”
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