WASHINGTON D.C. – In a dramatic late night press conference, President Barack Obama has announced the death of Waldo after years in hiding.
The president, standing in the East room of the White House, disclosed that the fugitive had been cornered by military personnel and was shot once in the chest and twice in the bobble hat after resisting capture.
The death of Waldo marks the most significant moment in U.S. national security “since we uncovered the Grinch’s plot to steal Christmas,” according to a White House spokeswoman.
‘Justice has been done’
Waldo was thought to have had help evading discovery from known associates including Wizard Whitebeard, a long time Homeland Security target and Gandalf impersonator.
Sources revealed traces of red and white fibre were discovered by operatives on page 8, allowing Waldo to be tracked to page 17 where he was eventually cornered at a beach house on page 23 and killed.
In sad news however, it was also disclosed that three look alikes were unfortunately gunned down before operatives eventually found the right man finding the target.
After conferring with his daughters “and the kid next door just to make sure”, the president gave the word to move in.
The news of Waldo’s death ends a nationwide manhunt and sparked an immediate outpouring of emotion from children aged five to seven and many young adults who spent decades in the search.
At bookstores across the country people gathered cheerily and began chanting “USA USA!”
One joyous individual cried “I’ve been searching for that bastard for over 6 years and never found him.”
“I thought I did once but it was just a candy cane.”
Found him
President Obama paused to give praise to former president George W Bush, who spent billions of dollars and many evenings flicking through pages to track down Waldo during his two terms as Commander In Chief.
Mr Obama closed his announcement with the following address:
“For over two decades, searching for Waldo has been the symbol of frustration for many Americans. Matched only by the frustration felt when looking for your car keys to go to the grocery store to pick up the milk you need for the cereal you already poured out before you realised you were out of milk.”
Yet he was eager to urged caution, warning Americans to “remain vigilant against other unknowns”.
“We still don’t know how the cat got into the hat yet,” he reminded.
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