UNITED KINGDOM – The Ministry of Defense has today confirmed it will begin producing the next generation of bullet proof armor from the same stuff that Jeremy Hunt is made of.
The announcement came after “extremely successful” trials during the Leveson inquiry in which Mr Hunt was subject to sustained, high velocity rounds of questioning over unethical behaviour and emerged unscathed.
Senior MoD officials told reporters they had never seen new military grade material perform this well in the field since Hiroshima.
‘I couldn’t believe my eyes’
Prime Minister David Cameron last week backed the culture secretary’s actions during the BSkyB takeover bid, prompting military officials to green light the manufacturing of new body armor based on Jeremy Hunt immediately.
It’s understood MoD scientists have already begun grafting Mr Hunt onto new Hunt Mark IV body armour prototypes which they expect will prevent any projectiles from penetrating to the wearer.
The move is part of the Future Soldier Programme to develop protective gear powerful enough to withstand extended assault from enemy forces.
Chief of Defence material Bernard Gray admitted he had never seen anything like it when he heard Hunt had not yet resigned from his position.
“I didn’t think anything could stand up to that kind of direct attack without so much as a scratch, but here it is.”
However, there was concern that shots aimed at the Hunt based armor had potential to ricochet and hit innocent bystanders, this after the resignation of the Conservative MP’s special adviser.
Next gen personal protection
The armour will be introduced into Afghanistan and other deployed personnel this winter and soldiers on the ground have responded to the news positively.
“When the bullets are flying it’s good to know you got the kind of protective skin that lets Jeremy Hunt keep his job,” described Lieutenant Colonel James Richards. “I hear it feels a little slimy when you put it on, but the troops will appreciate that it gives them protection they’ve never had before.”
Richards praised MoD scientists for this new technology that would “protect our troops from attack by standard munitions, rocket-propelled grenades and peer led inquests into unethical behaviour.
“This new armour will provide the unshakable defense that could tip the tide of future conflicts,” he said.
“If this is successful with infantry we could apply it to submarines, aircraft carriers or fighter planes if we had any of those things.”
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