Tag Archive | "economy"

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Illuminati To Take Break, Will Let World Run Itself For A While

NEW YORK – Illuminati leadership have announced they will take a month-long break from covertly controlling world events to let things play out on their own for a bit.

High ranking members of the organisation admitted the effort of perpetuating an all-pervasive Judeo-Masonic conspiracy establish total world domination was “starting to take its toll”.

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Banks Announce They’re Ready To Crash World Economy Again

WALL STREET – Bankers at the world’s largest financial institutions have announced they are ready to kick off another economic catastrophe some time soon.

Current economic conditions suggest now is “as good a time as any” to begin engaging in a series of esoteric, overly complex financial transactions that would inevitably fail and being the world economy down with them.

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U.S. Economic Recovery Boosted By “Record” Black Friday Violence

UNITED STATES – Stores across the country are hailing the “best Black Friday ever” after record levels of violence has put the retail sector on course for a bumper year-end.

Analysts cautioned against drawing conclusions before all bodies were counted, but early forecasts suggest needless deaths could be up as much as 8% from 2012 which indicates a robust economic recovery is well underway.

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Romney Unveils New Campaign Message: “I Was Kidding This Whole Time”

MASSACHUSETTS – In a move to win over increasingly sceptical voters, Mitt Romney has unveiled his new campaign message to the voting public : “I was just fooling with you guys”.

The plan was developed after Romney’s chief political strategists privately acknowledged the best method of improving favorability in key battleground states is to have people think his presidential campaign has simply been an attempt at humor.

Sources say the new campaign will begin “effective immediately” under a revamped slogan: “You Thought I was Being Serious? 2012”.

I live for comedy

This latest reboot will see Romney announce he has been “pulling the leg” of the American people and the presidential nominee was on hand to deliver the new look campaign: “We’re focused on getting a new, new, new message to the American people,” he explained.

“One that says ‘hey, all that stuff you heard me say and do over and over in the last year?  We were just fooling around with y’all’.”

He then declared it time to get back to simple truths and admit “my campaign has been a big joke this whole time” – a message political analysts roundly agreed was one “sure resonate big time with the American people”.

Hammering home the new message, the Romney explained that “running a campaign where I alienate every interest group with each sentence to fall out of my mouth is just something I do for kicks.”

“Remember that time when I came across like an out of touch one percenter unable to express basic human empathy  for anyone making less than seven figures a year? Ha ha ha haaaaa.”

“Oh mercy.  That one still cracks me up.”

Fooled ya

It’s understood his campaign managers considered several potential strategies to regain lost ground in polls including framing current president Barack Obama for murder.

“We sat down and explored a bunch of options with the specific mandate of getting this campaign bus back on the road,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous.

“Having Obama charged with murder was in the top three.  Our data show folks would have been highly concerned about voting for a guy on facing a murder rap.”

“In the end, the logistical challenge of framing a man for first or even second degree murder this close to the election was way too much.”

“Convincing people that everything Mitt has said and done has been a joke is infinitely more doable.”

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Barack Obama Agrees Deal To Hand His Balls To Republicans

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has announced an agreement on the US debt ceiling which will see Republican congressmen take full possession of his balls.

The 11th hour bill was passed 269 votes to 161 and is expected to be approved by the Senate on Tuesday.

In a high-pitched address to the nation, Obama declared: “I want to announce that the leaders of both parties in both chambers have reached an agreement that will reduce the deficit, avoid default, and put my testicles on a plate for the Republican party.  Thank you.”

The president then limped away to sit on a giant ice cube.

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Sesame Street Cast To Explain Government To Washington

WASHINGTON – The makers of hit show Sesame Street have invited members of congress to a special taping of the show designed to teach them how governments should work.

The US risks defaulting on its financial obligations if a budget deal is not struck by August 2nd, with both sides failing to get beyond party rhetoric.

Along with the president, leading members of Congress interacted with the Sesame Street cast as they negotiated an agreement on the trash ceiling: the upper limit of garbage Oscar the Grouch is allowed to pile up around his sidewalk home.

‘G’ is for government

Executive producer Carol-Lynn Parente believes the show, a hit with pre-schoolers, could teach members of congress the fundamentals of the job they have been elected to do.

“We’ve crafted a range of fun and visually stimulating scenarios to engage them,” she explained.  “With the very complex subject of deciding whether to keep the economy running or not, sometimes you just need to go back to basics.”

Another scenario saw Cookie Monster learn to manage the cookie supply, responsibly managing consumption and distribution so he wouldn’t be forced to beg China for more in the future.

Early reactions were positive, but there were worrying signs with many congressmen said to be ‘visually stunned’ when an amicable decision between Oscar, Big Bird, Elmo and Grover was arrived at well within the show’s 60 minute duration.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, House majority leader Eric Cantor struggled to understand why the cookies weren’t reserved for the top 2% of Sesame Street earners.

Rosemarie Truglio, VP for education and research advised that not every congressmen would be able to grasp the concepts of constructive and respectful dialogue right away.  “Eric just needs some time to wrap his mind around it.”

‘Can you tell me how to get to a consensus?’

Despite reports that “Barack was a little confused when Big Bird showed leadership to bring all sides to an agreement,” Parente was optimistic the lessons would sink in.

She did show concern however when at one point John Boehner asked when the muppets would start the petty squabbling and name calling.

“We’ve successfully educated difficult children before but this was a real struggle,” she confessed wearily.  “Many of them have no real idea of how to overcome bi-partisan bickering to reach a compromise.”

“We’ve tried to make it a simple as we can.  If they don’t get it now, we’re screwed.”

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Escaped Snake Returns To Natural Wall Street Habitat

NEW YORK – A deadly snake thought to be loose in the city after escaping from Bronx Zoo has been found miles away in it’s natural habitat:  Wall Street.

The Egyptian cobra had been declared missing after staff at the zoo noticed it had escaped from it’s enclosure on Monday, but has now been reported to be slithered along the halls of a Wall Street trading floor.

Zoo officials were said to be “glad it turned up safe and in an atmosphere comfortable for snakes.”

After a search that has taken almost 24 hours, experts were said to be kicking themselves for not looking within New York’s financial district sooner.

‘It was the obvious place to look’

Professor Charles Ebert remarked that it was ‘glaringly obvious’ that the snake would have made its way to the financial district.

“Based on our knowledge of the natural history and behaviour of snakes, it is only natural that it would seek comfortable surroundings among like-minded creatures in Wall Street.”

“It would have blended in so well that I’m surprised anyone noticed,” he added.

It has Initially been expected that keepers from the zoo would attempt to move the snake, but such plans were scrapped when it began making winning stock picks, adding $62 million to the firm’s bottom line in just three hours of trading.

Perhaps surprisingly, fellow investors claimed not to have noticed anything amiss with the presence of a 20-inch-long snake alongside them until it began spitting venom at a co-worker in a dispute over an acceptable price for wheat futures.

Despite this, executives are thought to be considering offering it a permanent position – putting the incident down to a ‘misunderstanding of office etiquette’.

New home

Its keepers said they had no idea this breed of snake also had a natural ability for speculative trading – an ability that makes it deadly to unsuspecting humans as well as an unsuspecting economy.

“What can I say, the snake is a natural,” raved futures manager Andy Steinburg, who struggled to pick it out among the other traders in the office.

“It has all the attributes to make some real money:  A dead eyed, bottom crawling, unfeeling, cold-blooded slippery reptile with an instinctive skill for risky speculative trading.  This particular snake will do well here.”

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George Osborne Unviels £100 Billion in Unmarked Bills

UNITED KINGDOM – British Chancellor George Osborne has stunned financial experts as he delivered the 2011 budget by pulling an estimated £100 billion in unmarked bills from his famed Budget Box.

Casting his second budget since becoming chancellor, he said the government would move from a model of “rescue to reform,” and from “reform to making it rain.”

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Banker Pees on Homeless Man, Explains Trickle Down Theory

NEW YORK CITY – A Goldman Sachs employee has become the first Wall Street banker to successfully communicate the fundamentals of trickle down economics to a mass audience by taking a leak on a homeless man outside his office building.

Frustrated by the lack of understand from the general public over the necessity of a trickle down economy, securities industry executive Adam Peterson gave a live demonstration of the theory in action with the help of Dom Perignon bought to celebrate his recent $118,250 bonus – illustrating why trickle down is so important to the prosperity of the wider population.

Waiting until his bladder was full, Mr Peterson is said to have left the building to urinate on an unnamed homeless man, explaining that the “champagne represents money and my bladder represents the upper class.”

Golden Lesson

He then carefully explained that “the process of filtration results in a by-product that showers out and onto the rest of society as represented by this homeless man I just met.  It’s that simple.”

“You see, the nutrients in my urine helps this homeless man get the vitamins he simply cannot find through his meagre diet.  He needs me to drink to excess so I can pass on the benefits.  Plus, if this man wasn’t there,  my urine would be hitting the wall, and that’s just a waste of good piss.”

He then shook off and went back to work.

‘Couldn’t have made it any clearer’

“The visual aid was really helpful,” said Brian Henson who was passing by in time to pick up the lesson.  “When the homeless guy was begging him to stop, I really understood how it all works.  The credit crunch, the bailout, the bonuses…all of it.”

Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein commended Mr Peterson’s ‘practical method of education’, saying that the stunt represented the clearest explanation of how grotesque sums of unearned money gathered by a small elite plays a crucial role in the economic prosperity of the wider nation.

This after a recent report showed Wall Street pay have risen to pre-crisis levels, making the public demonstration of the economic theory even more timely.

“Maybe if we had explained it like that much earlier, more people would have understood what was going on.”

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Goldman Sachs Cancels Contract With God

WALL STREET – In what looks to become a hostile legal battle, banking giant Goldman Sachs have announced that they are to cancel their contract with God with immediate effect, blaming ‘restrictive employment conditions’.

Anonymous sources noted that the company had received an improved, less restrictive offer from an as yet unnamed third party, understood to be headquartered ‘way way down under’.

The company share price rose 2.5% on the news, a sure sign that investors felt removing any link to morality from daily operations would be positive for the long term success of the company.

‘We’re done with God’s work’

The investment bank shocked the world in 2010 when CEO Lloyd Blankfein revealed his company was under contract with the almighty one,  although reports at the time suggested God had no recollection of contracting the firm to bring the global economy to it’s knees, instigating one of the largest transfers of wealth possible without buying a lottery ticket.

Waving the Bible in the air, Mr Blankfein cited a number of the disputed terms of employment he felt contributed to unfair working conditions, including Acts 20:35 ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’ and 2 Corinthians 9:7 ‘God loves a cheerful giver’.

“There’s no way we would have agreed to these terms if they ha been made clear to us… ‘He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord?’  How can we do business with these restrictions?”

Officially Godless

God admitted the news Goldman Sachs were under his employment was as big a revelation as finding out Judas had gone rogue, though he did mention He’s had a lot on his mind over the past millenia and could have simply forgot.

It’s now expected that He would consult His legal team – comprising of Micheal Jackson’s attorney, the ghost of Jonnie Cochran and the D.A. from Law and Order – to determine the most appropriate means of recourse after Goldman had shown such ‘chutzpah’ to disrespect Him so publicly.

Johnny Cochran told a judge:  “We’re looking at damages of at least $500 million, payable by the bank ‘in this life or the next’.

“We got a better offer from another guy anyway, we don’t need God anymore and He needs to accept that before things get ugly.”

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