WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.
As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.
The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.
Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.
The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.
Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”
“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”
It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.
Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.
‘Much needed expertise’
Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”
Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.
“Let me be clear,” Obama began. “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career. Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”
The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.
The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.
Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”
“Boy I miss those days.”