UNITED KINGDOM – Nick Clegg has called for next month’s General Election debate to be rescheduled to April 2010, when he had a chance of being Prime Minister.
The Liberal Democrat leader said he was “more than ready” to take on rival party leaders ahead of the 2015 election, as long as the seven-way debate took place five years in the past.
UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has hit out against accusations that he is racist by suggesting some of his best friends are dirty immigrants who are ruining Britain and need to be stopped at any cost.
Mr Farage claimed the perception of him in the media “is all wrong”, insisting he really has no problem spending time with “people that should be sent back to the God forsaken land they came from immediately.”
WASHINGTON D.C. – Reports from the Senate Intelligence Committee report on the CIA’s use of torture reveal Santa was victim to brutal interrogation techniques to determine the contents of his Christmas list.
The 6000 page report details how the CIA carried out “enhanced interrogation” of Santa and his little helpers in efforts to “ascertain just who had been naughty and nice way ahead of Christmas.”
SCOTLAND YARD – Specialist search and rescue teams have abandoned the search for Liberal Democrats reported missing after devastating election results swept over the party.
Two aircraft and over a dozen political advisers had been brought in to survey the wreckage of council and European elections, but have decided to end the search having failed to find even a trace of liberal policies remaining.
SWITZERLAND – A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.
A framework is currently in place in which Nick Clegg would be freed from his powerless position as Deputy Prime Minister, escaping further ridicule and embarrassment, before the 2015 General Election.
WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.
Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.
PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-Un has explained his decision to execute his uncle came after struggling to find a suitable Christmas gift for the “difficult” former regime advisor.
Reports within the country suggest the North Korean leader had begun the search for a gift before deciding it was less hassle to execute his uncle and move on to the remaining members of his family.
Jang Song-thaek was accused of returning up to four Christmas gifts given to him under previous regimes.
It’s understood the once powerful uncle was notoriously difficult to shop for and rumours had begun circulating that he would be removed from this year’s Christmas list.
Kim Jong-Un was confident holiday shopping would now be “much much” easier, though he was forced to admit the family Christmas dinner might be awkward.
North Korean state television described Mr Jang as “despicable human scum” and a “total ball ache to shop for”.
In lengthy article foaming with outraged rhetoric, North Korea’s official news agency accused Jang Song-thaek of plotting to return his Christmas gifts as early as November.
Mr Jang admitted his crimes in court and a death sentence was “immediately executed”.
The report said: “Jang Song-thaek dreamed such a foolish dream of receiving the perfect Christmas gift despite failing to give so much as a hint as to what kind of stuff he’s into.”
“He is then disappointed on Christmas Day and more often than not has the nerve to ask if you kept the receipt.”
“How are you supposed to shop for someone like that?”
North Korean experts said the brutal move was a clear sign that there would be no backsies this festive season.
This after state media detailed previous presents that had been returned or gone unused by Song-thaek including a handmade “World’s Best Uncle” mug given to him by and eight-year-old Kim Jung-Un.
Now 30, the young dictator recalled “spending a whole weekend with mom making that mug and uncle never drank from it once. What the hell dude?!”
The ruthless disposal of Mr Jang would have serious implications beyond Christmas according to one analyst, with birthdays and other gift giving seasons now under more scrutiny.
“I think what he’s telling people – family members and military personnel alike – is that when you receive your gift you need to be grateful.”
“Or there will be grave repercussions.”
WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.
As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.
The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.
Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.
The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.
Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”
“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”
It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.
Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.
Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”
Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.
“Let me be clear,” Obama began. “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career. Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”
The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.
The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.
Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”
“Boy I miss those days.”
UNITED KINGDOM – David Cameron has called for a slap on the wrist amendment to the list of laws recommended in the Leveson Report into media ethics.
The Prime Minister, who is still looking for a way to avoid the issue of media regulation altogether, said the amendment “would go a long way to making a token gesture”.
Mr Cameron rejected claims he had dismissed the report too early, saying that he was simply putting it off it the hopes it would go away.
The amendment has been drafted by a joint committee of Conservative ministers, and stipulates: “In the event of gross misconduct perpetrated by a media organisation including, but not limited to, hacking the phones of dead schoolgirls”, the government would be given “full authority to exert firm force on the upper portion of the wrist of said media organisation as a means of indicating its extreme displeasure at the aforementioned bad act.”
Any wrist slapping would be followed by telling the media organisation to “think long and hard about what they have done.”
Mr Cameron said with proper enforcement he was sure acts of gross misconduct like those uncovered during the Leveson inquiry would be a thing of the past.
“This is the right thing to do,” the PM said. “It would ensure that problems are dealt with in the lightest of manners while giving the impression I was dealing with the core issue.”
Mr Cameron claimed the draft bill will allow future misconduct to be dealt with in principle “while keeping Rupert Murdoch happy.”
Opposition government rejected the proposals as weak and demanded the coalition take tougher measures to properly punish newspapers in a way they would feel, suggesting Mr Cameron send Nick Clegg to work for any organisation found to have run afoul of the guidelines outlined in the Leveson Report.
“What Mr Cameron has proposed simply doesn’t go far enough,” blasted Labour leader Ed Miliband.”Now is the time to take a strong stand against a culture of bad behaviour.”
“Sending Nick to work for just a week would show that this government was serious about enforcement.”
“No more empty threats.”