1695AD – Following wins in Super Tuesday voting, Rick Santorum has emerged as the winner of another key primary – picking up like minded voters from the seventeenth century.
The win comes as boost to the Santorum campaign after spending months campaigning throughout the 1700s courting the kind of voters who think the Earth is flat.
Elsewhere, Congressman Ron Paul edged to his first primary win the state of Narnia, finding voters willing to back his message in the fantasy world of mythical beasts and magic.
Appealing to the base
With all legislative districts and dynasties reporting, the officials within the seventeenth century indicated that Rick Santorum had won the primary with an amazing 90 percent of the vote – proving that the only thing seventeenth century citizens were more sure of was contracting plague.
The former Pennsylvania Senator has long been attracting voters from the much overlooked period of time with his views on contraception, education and the separation of Church and state.
According to Associated Press vote totals, Santorum earned 60 percent of the Ottoman vote and also picked up notable support from the Ming Dynasty and in the Kingdom of Prussia.
Enthusiasm was also high among the section of voters who described themselves as “Spanish inquisitors”.
Veteran judge of the Salem witch trials John Hathorne praised Santorum for policies that would roll back “unnecessarily progressive thinking”, adding that he believed Santorum was the man to “keep things just as they are.”
Current GOP front-runner Mitt Romney was not on the ballot in the seventeenth century, preferring to concentrate on the upcoming sixteenth century caucuses who’s famed statues were as white and awkwardly stiff as the former Massachusetts Governor.
Key demographic
Political analysts have put down the victory to a message that resonated with “ordinary seventeenth century folk.”
Santorum – who has continuously promised to repeal the industrial revolution on his first day in Office – was understandably delighted with his latest win.
“The people of the seventeenth century have spoken. They’ve spoken and they’re telling us they want a return to simpler times when we could tell who was a witch and who wasn’t with fire.”
Republican U.S. House candidate Kevin Cramer said he had seen an extremely high level of excitement from Santorum supporters in the seventeenth century, but that could have just been due to the recent invention of calculus.
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