Wikileaks Fails to Uncover OJ Simpson’s Sense of Remorse


NEVADA – Wikileaks may have met it’s match after revealing they have been unable to leak any sense of remorse from inside OJ Simpson. The website’s founder Julian Assange dropped the bombshell while in police custody having been charged with rape, espionage and having skin translucent enough to see through.

“We’ve had our best people trying to hack OJ Simpson for over a decade. It’s like there’s nothing there at all.  Nothing!” confessed Mr Assange who felt exposing the most intimate details of international diplomacy and clandestine military operations were a ‘cake walk’ compared to the task of uncovering even a smidgen of guilt inside the former American football star acquitted of murder in 1995.

Enhanced security measures

Worryingly for supporters of the whistle blowing site, Wikileaks has also reported having trouble finding a scrap of talent inside Lindsey Lohan or locating any evidence of new ideas from within the Republican party, raising the increasingly real possibility for government officials that there may be a defence against the continued breaches in security.

“If they can’t get anything from him, it must mean The Juice has found a way to defend against these hacks,” said a hopeful Barack Obama who has already ordered OJ to be studied in an effort to determine how he is able to keep his natural human sense of wrong doing for the brutal slaying of two innocent people locked up so securely.

“I don’t know what kind of security protocols he’s running, but they’re working and we need them before anymore leaks take place.”

Desperate times

Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, reiterated confidence from the White House that they would be able to discover how OJ Simspon has kept Wikileaks at bay, though “it may involve killing a white lady and getting away with it.”

Assange remained confident however, and pledged to uncover even the smallest hint of emotion behind those cold dead eyes, calling the effort as big a challenge as finding gloves that would fit the one time defendant.

“They [feelings of remorse] may just be hidden under extremely advanced security, one our team has ever seen…that, or someone better than us has already removed them.”

With time running out to discover Mr Simpson’s secret and secure national systems against further hacking attempts, a White House spokesman said that they may end up just plugging him directly into their systems “and hope for the best.”

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