America ‘Not Invited’ to UN Christmas Party


WASHINGTON D.C. – The US government has begun a major ass kissing campaign after outrage over diplomatic cables left them without an invite to the annual UN Christmas party.

The Obama administration is said to be  facing ‘a crisis in its holiday party planning’, amid growing evidence that they have purposefully been left out of the annual bash due to the publication of compromising messages.

“We thought the mail was being held up so we gave it an extra couple days,” said Barack Obama. “But when we found out Belgium got their invite and we hadn’t, we knew something was up.”

Mending broken hearts

Secretary General Ban Ki-moon later confirmed all invites had been sent and “no oversight had been made,” as White House officials had originally assumed.

“They really hurt my feelings,” said Mr Cameron, who backed the decision to not invite America after unflattering being described as ‘fake’ by US diplomats.

The revelations have left America scrambling the make amends, including sending a thousand roses to Downing Street, and making a mixtape for French President Nicolas Sarkozy to make up for calling him ‘thin-skinned’.

Unconfirmed reports also hinted at plans to skywrite “We’re sorry” next to a heart over Afghan airspace.

Any reconciliation will likely occur too late for the Christmas party, although the roses are said to be having a “positive effect” on the disposition on the UK government.

David Cameron’s secretary Nick Clegg responded by saying: “The roses smell wonderful…but…they were kinda mean…I don’t know…we’ll think about it, te he he.”

‘Please take us back’

A senior US diplomat conceded “we won’t be partying with anyone soon,” adding that it could take years to rebuild enough trust to make it back onto the international party circuit.

“Nobody wants to talk to us…which is awkward ‘cos we’ve got the decorations so they’ve been forced to.  But they’re wary now and are like: ‘Are you going to write about this?'”

With the prospect of festive exile looming, more revelations could mean America won’t get invited to the future celebrations including the summer barbecue at Angela Merkel’s house.

However, Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who overlooked being referred to as ‘Hitler’ by the US to extend a surprise invite to his Christmas party, as long as they agreed to deny the existence of the state of Israel.

A US spokesman responded by suggesting they may just spent a quiet Christmas alone this year.

Leave a Reply