The US economy has come through a turbulent period to make a full recovery thanks to the banking industry. The major instituions have taken the time from paying out record bonus figures to assure us all that despite an alarming rise in unemployment, exploding budget deficit and a dollar weaker than French resolve, the US economy is ‘doing great’. That this comes from the banks is extra reassuring as no one can have more knowledge or authority over the health of the economy than the very people that dragged us kicking and screaming into the recession. While all banks have contributed in their own way, none have gone as far as Goldman Sachs to ensure that we will all benefit from a return to prosperity, eventually.
I sat down with an executive at Goldman to discuss the state of the economy.
[Business Correspondent] I’m here today with err, um…
[Goldman Employee] I prefer to remain annonymousss.
[Business Correspondent] Are you sure you want to keep on the robe? I always find it easier to build rapport when the other person isn’t shrouded in darkness.
[Goldman Employee] Hmmm…No, I’m fine.
[Business Correspondent] Some people don’t know when to let go I suppose. Anyway, you’re now making an estimated $35 million a day in profit. Is the crisis over?
[Goldman Employee] Yesss. Our record bonus payment of $16.7 billion allied with our record profits are clear signs that things are back to normal. The numbers don’t lie.
[Correspondent] What about unemployment?
[Goldman Employee] What about it?
[Business Correspondent] Well, it’s quite high.
[Goldman Employee] And your point isss?
[Business Correspondent] I was just…Um, so how did you manage such a great turnaround in this short period of time?
[Goldman Employee] Good management.
[Business Correspondent] And what about the bailout?
[Goldman Employee] What about it?
[Business Correspondent] Well…um, are there any plans to pay back that money now the recession is over?
[Goldman Employee] That is not a discuss for now, Mr Flint.
[Business Correspondent] …OK…
[Goldman Employee] Excellent. Now you were talking about about positive and socially responsible effort made by banking sssector?
[Business Correspondent] Yes. You’ve been described as doing ‘God’s work’ by your CEO. Which God was he talking about exactly?
[Goldman Employee] The particular deity is of little relevance. What’s important is that God continues to work for us to bring back prosperity.
[Business Correspondent] You mean work through you?
[Goldman Employee] Yes, yesss.
[Business Correspondent] Then why do you think you continue to be critised for your role in the crisis and your influence in government when you’re simply doing God’s work?
[Goldman Employee] Unfortunately, the country is filled with lost souls with no repect for the work of God.
[Goldman Employee] Yesss.
[Business Correspondent] In a recent speech President Obama criticised banks for your ‘unchecked excess’, referring to your profits. How do you feel about that?
[Business Correspondent] What do you mean?
[Goldman Employee] Excuse me, I misspoke. I simply meant regulation is not the answer.
[Business Correspondent] What is the answer?
[Goldman Employee] Well, we can always draw on more tax payer money.
[Business Correspondent] Don’t you think something needs to be done to avoid another economic crisis altogether? Perhaps by taking some of your profits and investing in small business?
[Goldman Employee] Hmmm…go on.
[Business Correspondent] Some economists have also suggested nationalising the banking sector?
[Goldman Employee] What you speak of is noble, but these measures…are unnecessary.
[Business Correspondent] And then there’s the issue of the Federal Reserve who–These measures are unnecessary.
[Goldman Employee] They are not the economic solutions you’re looking for.
[Business Correspondent] They are not the economic solutions I am looking for.
[Goldman Employee] The economy is in good handsss.
[Business Correspondent] The economy is in good handsss.
[Goldman Employee] Let’s move on.
[Business Correspondent] …OK…
[Goldman Employee] Excellent. Now, you were talking about–
[Belligerent Man] There you are you Goldman bastard! You thought I wouldn’t find you again huh?
[Business Correspondent] *drooling*
[Goldman Employee] This again. Mr Flint, would you remove this gentleman and deal with him outside.
[Business Correspondent] …OK...
[Belligerent Man] How much money do you people need! And my house too!? How am I going to put a roof over my fam–Hey! Get your hands off me!
[Business Correspondent] You must go now.
[Belligerent Man] You’re helping this scumbag!? Get–Hey! You’re kind of strong…
[Business Correspondent] You must go now.
[Goldman Employee] Excellent.
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