ENGLAND – John Terry has announced his decision to retire from international football in order to prolong his domestic philandering career.

The former England Captain has already told those close to him that the demands of sleeping with fellow professional’s wives and girlfriends internationally as well as in domestic leagues was becoming too much for the defender.

By retiring from international football, he will be able to spend a lot more time with other people’s family when the England team is away on duty.

Burnt out

Terry played 78 games in central defence for England, but those who played alongside him maintain his best position was “next to your missus when you weren’t home.”

In a statement released Sunday, Terry said: “This is not a decision I have made lightly, but after much consideration I will discontinue abusing the trust of players on an international level in order to continue bringing them pain and suffering domestically for many years to come.”

He also attributed his retirement partly to the intense scrutiny of international football which made his position an untrustworthy individual “untenable”.

“With all the different nationalities he would have faced in the build up to the World Cup there was no way I could have kept up the pace insulting everyone to my usual high standard while still having the energy to sleep around back home.  I’m just not as young as I used to be.”

“I would like to thank the great people who have allowed me to become the man I am today.  That includes Wayne Bridge for being out of the house that one time and Anton for being black enough for me to feel the need to point it out to him.”

Bright future

With Terry stepping down, many of England’s top players are left wondering who will now stab them in the back or make them feel like a second class citizen without their talismanic ex-captain.

“John’s presence will definitely be missed,” admitted winger Theo Walcott.  “It’s only been a day since he retired from the team and I already feel safer bringing my girlfriend to the next team get together.”

However, the Chelsea star reiterated that he was not retiring completely and promised he would remain the same guy you’re afraid to leave your wife alone with.

“When you player for a big club like Chelsea there are so many players to screw over.  Have you seen Hazard’s missus?”

ENGLAND – With the FA set to announce his Roy Hodgson as England manager, football fans have begun questioning his ability to produce a team capable of underperforming at the highest level of international football.

Following the news of Hodgson’s imminent arrival, suggestions are being made that he lacks the credentials required to lead the England team to abject failure at the big tournaments.

It’s understood Hodgson has already spoken with FA chairman David Bernstein and will meet with a four-man panel to discuss how to ensure the national team continues its streak of disappointing the nation.

Questionable candidate

It is expected any contract will cover the three tournaments up to and including Euro 2016, at which point he would be expected to have crashed and burned on penalties from a minimum of one competition .

With the late announcement of a successor to Fabio Capello, Wembley ticket holder Sean Hackett warned: “The European Championships are just a month away.  We need our lads ready to capitulate like they did in South Africa and there’s no guarantee Roy is up to the task quite frankly.”

England fan Gavin Smiley from Huddersfield highlighted England’s recent history of managers that have led them to consistent disappointment in tournaments, and feared the weight of inflated expectation would be too much for the West Brom man.

“The England manager has to be capable of one thing: making sure we come up short in the major competitions,” said Mr Smiley.

“Maybe his time at Liverpool swayed the FA, but that team started off rubbish – I don’t think Roy can claim all the credit for that one.”

Fan’s reaction

West Brom Albion chairman Jeremy Peace resigned himself to losing Hodgson, but remained confident he could put all his good work behind him and continue the efforts of previous managers in making England a non-entity among Europe’s elite footballing nations.

Despite the endorsement, fans remained unconvinced.

“I would have preferred someone with the caliber of Fabio Capello or Sven Goran Eriksson,” said Wembley ticket holder Trevor Nicholls.  “Someone capable of making the finest footballing talent England has to offer look no better than Accrington Stanley in the World Cup. “

Though he did later admit that both Eriksson and Capello came with little experience of sustained failure but managed to make the step down required to set English football backwards several years.

“I’m willing to give Hodgson a chance I guess.”

ENGLAND – The Football Association have begun their search for the “right candidate” to lead the national team to a suitably embarrassing quarter-final tournament defeat.

FA chairman David Bernstein announced plans  last week to replace Fabio Capello with someone who has the ability to “take this England team all the way to being knocked out of a major international tournament at least two rounds earlier than expected.”

Mr Bernstein said he expected “to move quickly”, but stressed the process of finding the person capable of delivering consistently below average results would not be rushed.

Low bar

Current England under 21 coach Stewart Pearce will take caretaker charge of the game against Holland and FA officials have backed Pearce to get apathetic performances out of the team from the start “until we can find someone to make a right mess of things on a permanent basis.”

While he admitted the role of England manager was a difficult one, he pointed to a tradition of managers who have successfully moulded the nation’s top footballing talent to consistently under perform below even the most modest expectations.

While FA bosses acknowledged the current front-runner Harry Redknapp, privately it’s thought the Tottenham boss’ success in the Premier League has led the FA to question whether he could delivery the level of mediocrity that was expected at international level.

Journalist Oliver Holt suggested the free-flowing football being displayed by Redknapp’s team would be a major setback to his cause to become England manager.

“Harry has that team playing expansive football uninhibited by any fear of wearing the team shirt – clearly that’s not what the FA are looking for.”

Right man for the job

FA general secretary Alex Horne refused to go into specifics regarding the names under consideration when outing the process to find the man to “take this country to the quarter-finals stages and no further.”

“Clearly the right candidate must have a big reputation that has no relation to international football,” he stated.  “He needs to be comfortable working for four to six times what he is worth.”

“We’re looking of someone who could boldly proclaim this team have a real chance of winning the World Cup after a laboured 1-0 win over a team ranked forty-second or below,” added Horne.

“And most importantly, he must be able to properly prepare the players to mentally collapse at the mere prospect of a penalty shootout.”

ZURICH – Three senior Fifa officials have been accused of ‘gross acts of misconduct’ whilst playing FIFA Soccer 96 on the Sega Genesis.  In a damning report this week , Nicolas Leoz, Issa Hayatou and Ricardo Teixeira are all alleged to have taken advantage of numerous loopholes in the popular video game, including the ability to score from the halfway line at will.

The report suggests that all three took advantage to win games against opponents who were unaware of how horribly unbalanced the game was.  Also cases of players being bribe to throw games by ‘accidentally’ unplugging controller, scoring own goals and keeping players stationary while letting player two take the goalkeeper all the way to the opposition penalty area to score a winning goal.

The three men have denied the allegations of bad sportsmanship, challenging accusers to provide the save game files to prove guilt.

Mr Hayatou, Fifa vice-president representing football in African nations, was quoted in one leaked email with the subject “Yesterday”, saying “Oh!  Remember how badly you got beat son.  FROM THE HALFWAY LINE!!!  Don’t hate the player, hate the game!”

A former FIFA account manager, who choose to remain anonymous, said that staff had long suspected cheating was going on ever since he was destroyed by his EA Dream Team.

He added that these allegations were irrelevant in this day and age when FIFA 11 had just come out, adding that taking advantage of the bugs were just part of the experience back then.  “It’s not my fault you can score from the half way line…it’s not cheating, it’s just the way the system is built.”

Profiles: FIFA Soccer 96 Accused

Nicolas Leoz [GamerTag: SmokesMadBluntsXX]

President of South America’s football federation, Mr Leoz is a long-time player of the FIFA series ever since FIFA International Soccer in 1993.

The 82-year-old Paraguayan, the oldest of FIFA player on record is a lawyer profession, but describes himself as still able to put up a game against anyone ‘brave enough to pick up the controller against me’.

nicolasleoz

He says his favourite football match of all time was his defeat of England, playing as Argentina in  FIFA: Road to World Cup 98.

Issa Hayatou [Gamertag: Cheetah]

The 64-year-old Cameroonian has been a steady payer of the series since switching from ISS and playing FIFA Soccer 95 instead.

He is also a member of a local online FIFA league, and helped organise the 11 vs 11 match between his office and the bakery down the street.

issahayatou

His decades as the best African FIFA Soccer gamer have not been without controversy.

He received strong criticism earlier this year after a game between himself and a rival gamer ended with accusations he had given his opponent and ‘busted controller’ which lead to a 7-1 win for Hayatou.  He continues to deny the charges.

Ricardo Teixeira [GamerTag: ShowMeTheMoney]

Ricardo Teixeira, 63, has been considered to be the best FIFA Soccer player over 50 for years since his closest rival died of cardiac arrest in 2006.

ricardoteixeira

Mr Texeira was married to Lucia Havelange, daughter of former Fifa president Joao Havelange, for almost 30 years until their divorce, sparked by continued arguments over whether FIFA was better than Pro Evolution Soccer.

It remains to be seen how the new will affect the voting for the 2018 2022 tournament hosting.

At a recent press conference, Fifa president Sepp Blatter was asked about the  allegations to which he  replied: “Should it be knowledgeable to us that these guy cheat on the game, then naturally we would have to look at that.  Maybe organise a rematch or something.”

However, Fifa’s media office, when asked how that would be facilitated, said they had no idea as they no longer had access to a working Genesis machine.

MANCHESTER – A Fifa Inspector has been found dead two days after having privately criticised England’s bid to host the 2018 World Cup.  Harold Mayne-Nicholls felt the England bid team ‘sexed up’ reports on the country hospitality after being robbed twice in London and confronted by a gang of ‘hooded youths’ in Manchester.  Sources close described him as ‘terrified to leave his hotel’ and it’s thought he was dreading the prospect of a return in 2018.

England are desperate to become hosts as it represents their best chance of getting close to the trophy and would have been jeopardised had Mayne-Nicholls withdrew his endorsement.  “They silenced him before he talked” explained an anonymous source.

“He was deeply troubled by what he saw in Manchester” revealed fellow inspector Danny Jordaan.  “Maybe he had some reservations, but I don’t think he would’ve taken back his endorsement.”  Mayne-Nicholls, president of Chile’s soccer federation, was found in the player’s lounge still clutching a knife in his stomach.

Textbook Suicide

Though some observers treated his death with suspicion, the official verdict remains that Mayne-Nicholls found England’s bid so ‘outrageously compelling’ that he took his own life rather than see the next one.  This was backed by Nick Clegg who insisted it was ‘really that good’.  Medical experts remain unconvinced, arguing the location and depth of the blade was not consistent with a self-inflicted wound.  Mr Clegg refused to comment on ‘crazy conspiracies’, simply reiterating the merits of England’s ‘unbeatable’ World Cup bid.

A forensic pathologist dismissed talk of a conspiracy as ridiculous, despite growing concerns of foul play.  “This is not a game of Cluedo.  We know exactly what happened” said Andrew Davison.  “It was Nicholls, in the players lounge, with the eleven inch stainless steel serrated dagger…This is a straightforward case of suicide.  What more do you want?”

SANTA MONICA, CA – Activision have given the video gaming press an early look at their latest music game Vuvuzela Hero, set for launch this holiday season.  

Vuvuzela Hero will see gamers take up the role of an annoying football fan, blowing your vuvuzela over existing Guitar Hero tracks, ruining the listening experience for all those around you.  CEO Bobby Kotick hailed the game as a ‘revolution in testing human tolerance’.

Vuvuzela Hero looks set to set the bar in ear aching gaming experiences, delivering unprecedented sound innovation with the potential to piss off listeners almost as much as two alley cats fighting over the last fish bone outside your window.

Activision are already anticipating 5 million sales and an equal number of police cautions for noise pollution violations worldwide as gamers look to recreate the World Cup viewing experience over their favourite tracks.  To promote the launch of the title, Activision have planned a ‘VuvuFest’ inside a derelict Toyota dealership where vuvuzelas will be played all night long.  Non-stop.

Early previews have been glowing with journalists stunned at the authenticity of the game. “I was actually in South Africa and sat next to people who would blow this thing for an entire match.  Listening to the guys in the office play this is the closest I’ve come to punching a someone in the face since.  They’ve recreated the experience very well” raved one journalist who wished to remain anonymous.

“It’s a really solid product, they just need to get the pricing right” was the line from IGN. “How much would I pay to be constantly annoyed by the sound of an instrument that only plays one note really badly?  Probably around 99 bucks.  I think that’s the sweet spot.”

Activision have issued the following press release:

“Santa Monica, CA – July 7, 2010 – When the World cup is over, a new generation of tone deaf horn blowers will come together and blow with Activision, Inc.’s (Nasdaq: ATVI) Vuvuzela Hero® Legend of Africa, combining the most annoying national instrument known to man with revolutionary new online and offline gameplay modes.  The game comes with 4 newly redesigned vuvuzelas moulded from authentic Chinese factory plastic capable of one, maybe two different notes at a stretch in addition to the sense of obliviousness that allows players to be completely unaware of the suffering they’re causing to others around them.

We’ve listen to the fans over this fantastic soccer tournament and realised that since everyone was talking about the vuvuzela we may as well incorporated into our game for your purchasing pleasure. The game features the same Guitar Hero songs you know and love, but with the annoying, continuous and completely monotone sound of the vuvuzela played over each track. You’ll enjoy the biggest selection of vuvuzela tracks including the one were the vuvuzela just goes on and on and on you think to yourself ‘if I ever met the guy blowing that vuvuzela I would shove it down his throat’.  This is certainly a game best played in front of your family while they are trying to have quiet time or contemplate the days events in peace.

Vuvuzela Hero® Legend of Africa will be out this fall for the Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii from Neversoft. The game is not yet rated by the ESRB.”

BORDER, SOUTH AFRICA – Mexico are still said to be’ livid’ over FIFA’s decision to deported them from the World Cup due to shocking revalations all 23 members were playing withought proper documentation.  The illegal status of the team left FIFA officials with no choice but the eject them from the tournament, allowing Argentina to progress unhindered to the Quarter final stage.    Mexico Coach Javier Aguirre was enraged at the decision that ended his teams involvement competition, and says his team will find a way back into knock out stages even if it means sneaking into the country over the border with Zimbabwe .  “Of course I am angry.  I am an angry Mexican.  We just come here to play…yes, we have no papers but that hasn’t stopped me from living in America for the past 10 years”.  The discovery was made as a result of new FIFA initiatives giving match officials the power to stop any team to check for correct documentation.  “I just thought I would start with Mexico, randomly” describes referee Martin Hansson.  “I asked this guy for this papers, randomly.  He just stared at me and then ran.  I knew something was wrong”.

Read the full story

WASHINGTON, DC – America have drafted plans for a full-scale military incursion into Ghana after suffering a 2-1 loss at the World Cup.

President Obama called the move – which would pull the US into a third war – a defensive reaction to unprovoked attacks made by Ghanaian strikers in South Africa.

“Did you see that second goal?  Ghana are a threat we cannot afford to ignore any longer.  We’re going in.”

In an effort to wrap things up ‘post haste’, Commander David Petraeus has advised going with the surge strategy from the start as it has already worked so well in Iraq and Afghanistan.  The US will commit up to 100,000 troops who will target football facilities members of the Ghana team are thought to have trained within.

“These players have spread to Britain and Europe” warned a somber Obama.  “If we don’t stop them here, Ghana will become a breeding ground for resilient and well organised soccer players that could knock our team out of the next World Cup”.

America has been criticised for what is being called an overreaction, but foreign secretary Hilary Clinton remains adamant military action is warranted, adding that history will prove them right.

“This is the only course of action to such aggressive acts on the field of play” said Clinton who maintains the US has support from the ‘coalition of the willing teams that have also been beaten by Ghana’.

Ghana President John Atta Mills labelled team USA ‘bad losers’, while FIFA have called for restraint and pleaded to the White House to take standard channels and arrange a friendly match, a proposal which has already been dismissed as unworkable by the Obama Administration.

Once occupied, Ghana will provide a base to launch further strikes against African countries that beat Team USA in future sporting contests.

POLOKWANE, SOUTH AFRICA – Greece have been forced to pull out of the 2010 World Cup after they were found to have a ‘massive deficit’ in equipment leaving them unable to conduct training sessions.  Greece were the most under equipped team at the World Cup and had no choice but to bow out after failing to receive a substantial bailout from football’s governing body .  “It is true our store room is empty, we have nothing to train with” head coach Otto Rehhagel told reporters as the team conducted a five-a-side match with an empty Coke can. “We can no longer continue with this jumpers for goalposts model.  It’s just not sustainable”.

FIFA rules stipulate that all teams must train with only approved equipment and cannot substitute footballs for Coke cans or any other beverage containers.  This comes after the team had already mistakenly placed half of all raining vests, cones, and boots on the wrong plane before the tournament.

Greece were heavily criticised for a loose shooting policy that led to well over fifty footballs fired over their training ground perimeter combined with a lack of solid retrieval process. “They have been so irresponsible with their equipment.” blasted FIFA President Sepp Blatter. “What would you have me do?  They cannot train, they cannot play.  They must go”.

They had urgently requested the supply of balls that would have allowed them to continue training ahead of their last group game against Argentina, but the call fell on deaf ears as other teams proved reluctant to donate for fear of overstretching their own stocks.

Greece are currently negotiating the details of an emergency rescue package from kit sponsor Adidas which could see much needed stock dispatched from a local Adidas store and should see their stock replenished in time for Euro 2012.

POTCHEFSTROOM, SOUTH AFRICA – Joe Morris, who drew Spain in his office sweepstake, has flown to the team’s training camp to personally tell the players off after becoming so angry with their loss to Switzerland. 

“Bloody prima donnas!  This is the sweepstake for crying out loud!  Or does that mean nothing to them?!” screamed Mr Morris at a Heathrow check-in lady before his 8:43pm connecting flight.

He paid over £1,000 on last-minute travel plans from London to personally protect his £5 investment and guide Spain to sweepstake victory, guaranteeing his £80 cash prize from the office pot.  “We were running through some drills when this man runs toward us shouting” said striker Fernando Torres. “He was screaming about passion and commitment…and about Dave not getting a penny?  It was very motivating.  We will do better in the next game.”

Spain had been pre-sweepstake favourites and it was thought anyone who drew them was a sho0-in for a cash prize, but this shock  defeat could go down as the biggest in sweepstakes history and has already wiped smug grins from the faces of an estimated 20,000 UK employees.

“I had plans for that money” raged Dennis Potter, a Royal Mail postman who also drew Spain. “They better get their act together fast, or I’ll be a laughing stock down the pub.”

Office banter has been thrown on its head as workers getting so-called weaker teams suddenly find themselves with a chance of gloating to their colleagues.  Bookmakers William Hill have already slashed odds on Spain ticket holders patting themselves on the back come July 11th from 2/1 down to 11/2.

Though many back at his London office believe such direct action ‘breaks the spirit’ of friendly office competition, Mr Morris dismisses such criticisms as weak, saying that kind of thinking ‘is for losers’.