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Lee Nelson Throws Money At Sepp Blatter, Awarded 2026 World Cup


ZURICH – Lee Nelson has been awarded the 2026 World Cup moments after throwing banknotes over FIFA President Sepp Blatter during a press conference.

The fictitious character illegally gained entry to the FIFA headquarters in Zurich and showered a seated Blatter with substantial amounts of cash.

Sepp Blatter’s decision to award Nelson the 2026 World Cup is said to have been made “before the last note hit the floor”.

Credible candidate

The press conference was delayed by 10 minutes while FIFA officials scooped up the money and counted it before ratifying the decision to appoint Nelson as World Cup host.

Lee Nelson is a surprise winner of host duties as he was not considered a candidate until throwing money at Sepp Blatter.

Many have credited the move to launch money directly at Blatter’s person as the “tipping point” in the bidding process.

The comedic character has beaten the challenge of strong bids from USA, Uruguay plus a joint bid from two briefcases packed with small unmarked bills.

Lee Nelson will become the first comedic personality to host the 32 team competition. Blatter said he was confident Nelson would deliver a “fantastic World Cup experience” despite not being an internationally recognised country.

While other bids “could point to meticulous planning over many years to build presentations demonstrating their ability to run a world-class sporting tournament,” observers admitted Lee Nelson “ultimately had a better understanding of the audience he was pitching to.”

Due diligence

The still FIFA president praised the fictional character for the “strength of his bid”. Blatter expressed his desire to see football’s greatest showcase held in the “new home of football, the actual home of Mr Nelson.”

However, the decision has come under fire by those within the sport. Chief among concerns is whether Nelson’s two bedroom semi-detached home with north facing garden could accommodate 22 players and expected crowds of 50 to 60 thousand.

FIFA say they have already begun negotiations with the Hamiltons in number 37 and the Guptas in 41 to expand capacity by using neighbouring gardens.

“Of course there will be challenges,” admitted Blatter, addressing criticisms over limited capacity at the single venue. “But we can make this work.”

He went on to add: “nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred…one million.”

“We will make it work. For the good of football.”

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FIFA Order Luis Suarez To Be Properly Fed Before Matches


BRAZIL – FIFA’s independent disciplinary committee have officially ordered Luis Suarez to eat three square meals a day after biting Giorgio Chiellini.

The incident occurred during Tuesday’s World Cup game with Italy where Suarez attempted to take a bite out of an opposing player, causing football’s governing body to “act fast” and ensure he is “properly fed before entering the field of play”.

Luis Suarez has also been handed £65,000 in Subway vouchers and will undergo mandatory training to learn why cannibalism is bad.

Hunger strikes

The 27-year-old had now been found guilty of biting three opponents in his career, prompting concerns no one was feeding him.

This represent the biggest food related controversy in world football since the 1987 FIFA investigation to determine who ate all the pies.

FIFA were praised for decisive action in the aftermath of the incident having also issued a warning for players to stay as clear of Suarez as the English defence did in São Paulo.

“This is not the first time this kind of biting has occurred and we must now take decisive action,” Claudio Sulser, chairman of the FIFA disciplinary committee, said in a statement.

“While we support players getting the required nutrition to ensure they remain competitive during matches, this organisation does not believe said nutrition should come from the flesh of a fellow player.”

“Even if that player is as annoying as Chiellini.”

Meal ticket

Suarez’s first meal could be at a local Brazilian restaurant before he is flown back to his home club for a Chinese buffet.  He must then “maintain a consistent course of meals throughout the footballing calendar.”

FIFA say it is imperative “the meals contain essential carbohydrates, fats and proteins to ensure the Luis Suarez does not become peckish while on the pitch.”

Immediately following the incident, Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez blasted accusations Luis Suarez had not been properly fed during his team’s world cup campaign.

Tabarez said he had prepared his famous home-made Lahmacun especially for the players, arguing that if it was “good enough for my family to eat” it was good enough for Luis Suarez.

Liverpool also issued a statement shortly after news of the ruling emerged.  They accepted FIFA’s decision and reiterated the importance of regular meals.

Chief executive Ian Ayre appears to be backing the player however, with reports suggesting he has ordered his staff to fill up at the local Tesco in time for the coming season.

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Grief Clinics Set To Stay Open For England World Cup Matches


ENGLAND – David Cameron has overruled the Home Office and ordered a review to ensure that grief clinic opening hours can be extended for England’s World Cup matches.

Tens of millions of fans watched England’s opening game in the 2010 World Cup, making it a highly lucrative event for grief clinics across the country.

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David Moyes To Undergo Medical After Suggesting Man Utd Still In Title Race


MANCHESTER – Manchester United have ordered David Moyes to undergo an “urgent” medical after he claimed his team were still in the title race with a straight face.

His response in the wake of two straight home defeats have called into question his state of mind, prompting the need for an extensive psychiatric evaluation.

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England To Practise With World Cup Ball Now “As We Won’t See It During Tournament”


ENGLAND – England have made plans to train with the new World Cup Ball after acknowledging they will see very little of it during the competition.

Unveiled this week, the Adidas Brazuca ball could be the most unfamiliar to an England team since they failed to qualify for the 1994 World Cup.

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English FA Urge FIFA To Move Qatar 2022 World Cup To 1966


ENGLAND – The FA have called on FIFA to “seriously consider” moving the Qatar World Cup to the summer of 1966.

A spokesman confirmed the organisation’s stance after several countries have voiced their willingness to see the 2022 tournament moved.

There is now growing pressure to move to the sixties amid concerns England won’t win it if it was played at any other time.

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Under 21 Squad “Ready For First Team Failure” Says Pearce


ENGLAND – After three straight defeats at the European Championships, Stuart Pearce has backed his young squad for abject failure at full international level.

Losses to Italy, Norway and Israel saw the England under-21 side crash out of the tournament faster than Theo Walcott after a lost cause, the ideal preparation for the first team according to England fans.

“Flippin’ heck!  These boys played so badly they could fit right into the full squad now,” said one traveling supporter.

The right stuff

With the World Cup in Brazil just a year away, the FA face a race against time to gather the players able to deliver a fleeting hope of success in a major tournament only to dash it with a feeble quarter-final exit.

FA chairman David Bernstein said he strongly believes “what we have seen in Israel highlights the wealth of average players masquerading as world class we have at our disposal.”

Speaking after the defeat to Israel, the Under-21 manager told reporters: “This is the second tournament in the row we’ve gone out at the group stage so no one can tell me they’re not ready.”

“Three defeats and only one goal scored isn’t a fluke – these boys are ready,” said Pearce.

And on the back of woeful displays at the World Cup in 2010 and Euro 2012, England will be looking to many of these players to continue the nation’s run of inept performances in major tournaments.

The readiness of the under-21s did look in doubt coming into the tournament with nine consecutive wins.

However, any doubt was brushed aside as easily as the young England side were in all three games, proving they possess the lack of creativity and technical ability needed to fail on the biggest stages in world football.

‘The future is bright’

Mr Bernstein hailed this as the “rusted tin” era of English football which reaffirmed the English game’s ability to produce over privileged and under achieving players on a consistent basis.

The performances will no doubt give first team coach Roy Hodgson a genuine selection problem as he battles to determine is worst starting XI for the World Cup.

“As things stand I could put out two average sides and they would both get spanked by any of the top 20 or 30 team in the world,” said Hodgson.  “There are almost two players for each position.”

“Those are really the kind of problems you want as a manager.”

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Terry Retires From International Team To Spend More Time Philandering


ENGLAND – John Terry has announced his decision to retire from international football in order to prolong his domestic philandering career.

The former England Captain has already told those close to him that the demands of sleeping with fellow professional’s wives and girlfriends internationally as well as in domestic leagues was becoming too much for the defender.

By retiring from international football, he will be able to spend a lot more time with other people’s family when the England team is away on duty.

Burnt out

Terry played 78 games in central defence for England, but those who played alongside him maintain his best position was “next to your missus when you weren’t home.”

In a statement released Sunday, Terry said: “This is not a decision I have made lightly, but after much consideration I will discontinue abusing the trust of players on an international level in order to continue bringing them pain and suffering domestically for many years to come.”

He also attributed his retirement partly to the intense scrutiny of international football which made his position an untrustworthy individual “untenable”.

“With all the different nationalities he would have faced in the build up to the World Cup there was no way I could have kept up the pace insulting everyone to my usual high standard while still having the energy to sleep around back home.  I’m just not as young as I used to be.”

“I would like to thank the great people who have allowed me to become the man I am today.  That includes Wayne Bridge for being out of the house that one time and Anton for being black enough for me to feel the need to point it out to him.”

Bright future

With Terry stepping down, many of England’s top players are left wondering who will now stab them in the back or make them feel like a second class citizen without their talismanic ex-captain.

“John’s presence will definitely be missed,” admitted winger Theo Walcott.  “It’s only been a day since he retired from the team and I already feel safer bringing my girlfriend to the next team get together.”

However, the Chelsea star reiterated that he was not retiring completely and promised he would remain the same guy you’re afraid to leave your wife alone with.

“When you player for a big club like Chelsea there are so many players to screw over.  Have you seen Hazard’s missus?”

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England Fans Question Hodgson’s Ability To Fail In Big Tournaments


ENGLAND – With the FA set to announce his Roy Hodgson as England manager, football fans have begun questioning his ability to produce a team capable of underperforming at the highest level of international football.

Following the news of Hodgson’s imminent arrival, suggestions are being made that he lacks the credentials required to lead the England team to abject failure at the big tournaments.

It’s understood Hodgson has already spoken with FA chairman David Bernstein and will meet with a four-man panel to discuss how to ensure the national team continues its streak of disappointing the nation.

Questionable candidate

It is expected any contract will cover the three tournaments up to and including Euro 2016, at which point he would be expected to have crashed and burned on penalties from a minimum of one competition .

With the late announcement of a successor to Fabio Capello, Wembley ticket holder Sean Hackett warned: “The European Championships are just a month away.  We need our lads ready to capitulate like they did in South Africa and there’s no guarantee Roy is up to the task quite frankly.”

England fan Gavin Smiley from Huddersfield highlighted England’s recent history of managers that have led them to consistent disappointment in tournaments, and feared the weight of inflated expectation would be too much for the West Brom man.

“The England manager has to be capable of one thing: making sure we come up short in the major competitions,” said Mr Smiley.

“Maybe his time at Liverpool swayed the FA, but that team started off rubbish – I don’t think Roy can claim all the credit for that one.”

Fan’s reaction

West Brom Albion chairman Jeremy Peace resigned himself to losing Hodgson, but remained confident he could put all his good work behind him and continue the efforts of previous managers in making England a non-entity among Europe’s elite footballing nations.

Despite the endorsement, fans remained unconvinced.

“I would have preferred someone with the caliber of Fabio Capello or Sven Goran Eriksson,” said Wembley ticket holder Trevor Nicholls.  “Someone capable of making the finest footballing talent England has to offer look no better than Accrington Stanley in the World Cup. “

Though he did later admit that both Eriksson and Capello came with little experience of sustained failure but managed to make the step down required to set English football backwards several years.

“I’m willing to give Hodgson a chance I guess.”

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FA Begin Search For “Right Manager To Lead Us To Quarter Final Exit”


ENGLAND – The Football Association have begun their search for the “right candidate” to lead the national team to a suitably embarrassing quarter-final tournament defeat.

FA chairman David Bernstein announced plans  last week to replace Fabio Capello with someone who has the ability to “take this England team all the way to being knocked out of a major international tournament at least two rounds earlier than expected.”

Mr Bernstein said he expected “to move quickly”, but stressed the process of finding the person capable of delivering consistently below average results would not be rushed.

Low bar

Current England under 21 coach Stewart Pearce will take caretaker charge of the game against Holland and FA officials have backed Pearce to get apathetic performances out of the team from the start “until we can find someone to make a right mess of things on a permanent basis.”

While he admitted the role of England manager was a difficult one, he pointed to a tradition of managers who have successfully moulded the nation’s top footballing talent to consistently under perform below even the most modest expectations.

While FA bosses acknowledged the current front-runner Harry Redknapp, privately it’s thought the Tottenham boss’ success in the Premier League has led the FA to question whether he could delivery the level of mediocrity that was expected at international level.

Journalist Oliver Holt suggested the free-flowing football being displayed by Redknapp’s team would be a major setback to his cause to become England manager.

“Harry has that team playing expansive football uninhibited by any fear of wearing the team shirt – clearly that’s not what the FA are looking for.”

Right man for the job

FA general secretary Alex Horne refused to go into specifics regarding the names under consideration when outing the process to find the man to “take this country to the quarter-finals stages and no further.”

“Clearly the right candidate must have a big reputation that has no relation to international football,” he stated.  “He needs to be comfortable working for four to six times what he is worth.”

“We’re looking of someone who could boldly proclaim this team have a real chance of winning the World Cup after a laboured 1-0 win over a team ranked forty-second or below,” added Horne.

“And most importantly, he must be able to properly prepare the players to mentally collapse at the mere prospect of a penalty shootout.”

 

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