ENGLAND – John Terry has announced his decision to retire from international football in order to prolong his domestic philandering career.
The former England Captain has already told those close to him that the demands of sleeping with fellow professional’s wives and girlfriends internationally as well as in domestic leagues was becoming too much for the defender.
By retiring from international football, he will be able to spend a lot more time with other people’s family when the England team is away on duty.
Terry played 78 games in central defence for England, but those who played alongside him maintain his best position was “next to your missus when you weren’t home.”
In a statement released Sunday, Terry said: “This is not a decision I have made lightly, but after much consideration I will discontinue abusing the trust of players on an international level in order to continue bringing them pain and suffering domestically for many years to come.”
He also attributed his retirement partly to the intense scrutiny of international football which made his position an untrustworthy individual “untenable”.
“With all the different nationalities he would have faced in the build up to the World Cup there was no way I could have kept up the pace insulting everyone to my usual high standard while still having the energy to sleep around back home. I’m just not as young as I used to be.”
“I would like to thank the great people who have allowed me to become the man I am today. That includes Wayne Bridge for being out of the house that one time and Anton for being black enough for me to feel the need to point it out to him.”
With Terry stepping down, many of England’s top players are left wondering who will now stab them in the back or make them feel like a second class citizen without their talismanic ex-captain.
“John’s presence will definitely be missed,” admitted winger Theo Walcott. “It’s only been a day since he retired from the team and I already feel safer bringing my girlfriend to the next team get together.”
However, the Chelsea star reiterated that he was not retiring completely and promised he would remain the same guy you’re afraid to leave your wife alone with.
“When you player for a big club like Chelsea there are so many players to screw over. Have you seen Hazard’s missus?”