WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.

In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.

According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.

Failed policies

Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.

“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”

Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.

“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”

In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.

“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this?  Turkey.”

Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there.  “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”

Unanswered questions

With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.

“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.

“Why these turkeys huh?  What’s so special about them?”

“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”

“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”

“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”

“What’s the real story here?”

It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.

WASHINGTON DC – After Barack Obama’s re-election, a physical manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s blind rage is being tipped to become GOP candidate for president in 2016.

The dark, deep, lighting filled cloud has already emerged as an early frontrunner for Republicans as the party looks to reinvent itself following a disappointing loss to the president and reason for the cloud’s existence.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud has already tested through the roof with conservative voters, beating out prominent candidates including Jeb Bush and a shrink wrapped copy of Atlas Shrugged.

New party hope

A newcomer to the political arena, the turbulent rage cloud burst onto the scene only seconds after President Obama’s re-election and has continued growing its support and overall surface area.

“There’s no doubt that this thing is the rising star of the new conservative movement,” said Fox News analyst Karl Rove.

With a view on the 2016 presidential race, conservative pundits are left to debate why the ominous hate filled cloud was so popular.

“It’s the only candidate that is really speaking to the core Republican base in any meaningful way,” suggested conservative commentator Dick Morris.

“The rage cloud has come out of nowhere but the party is really connecting with its message of unsubstantiated fear and institutional racism.”

Indeed, disappointed conservative voters have indicated they would likely back a bid for the White House if the rage cloud decided to run.

“I would totally vote for Rush’s semi solid rage cloud,” admitted Alabama voter Chad Evans.  “It screams incessantly at me in a way Mitt Romney never did.”

Mr Evans, who now lives in an underground panic bunker for fear of a second Obama term says a 2016 bid by the anger filled cloud could persuade him and his family to consider living above ground again.

Measured response

However, some early optimism has been tempered as the rage cloud has yet to announced its plans for the 2016 race.  And while Rove admitted “it hasn’t laid out a coherent policy,” he also noted “that never stopped Mitt from running.”

Karl Rove remained adamant the hate fueled cloud was delaying as it worked out a deal to make a similar sized semi-solid cloud of Republican misogynistic sentiment its vice presidential pick for a devastating ticket in 2016.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud avoided the topic when interviewed however, instead emitting a succession of lighting bursts along with belligerent and barely intelligible ramblings about Mexicans, guns and “THOSE DAMN GAYS”.

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a dramatic late night press conference, President Barack Obama has announced the death of Waldo after years in hiding.

The president, standing in the East room of the White House, disclosed that the fugitive had been cornered by military personnel and was shot once in the chest and twice in the bobble hat after resisting capture.

The death of Waldo marks the most significant moment in U.S. national security “since we uncovered the Grinch’s plot to steal Christmas,” according to a White House spokeswoman.

‘Justice has been done’

Waldo was thought to have had help evading discovery from known associates including Wizard Whitebeard, a long time Homeland Security target and Gandalf impersonator.

Sources revealed traces of red and white fibre were discovered by operatives on page 8, allowing Waldo to be tracked to page 17 where he was eventually cornered at a beach house on page 23 and killed.

In sad news however, it was also disclosed that three look alikes were unfortunately gunned down before operatives eventually found the right man finding the target.

After conferring with his daughters “and the kid next door just to make sure”, the president gave the word to move in.

The news of Waldo’s death ends a nationwide manhunt and sparked an immediate outpouring of emotion from children aged five to seven and many young adults who spent decades in the search.

At bookstores across the country people gathered cheerily and began chanting “USA USA!”

One joyous individual cried “I’ve been searching for that bastard for over 6 years and never found him.”

“I thought I did once but it was just a candy cane.”

Found him

President Obama paused to give praise to former president George W Bush, who spent billions of dollars and many evenings flicking through pages to track down Waldo during his two terms as Commander In Chief.

Mr Obama closed his announcement with the following address:

“For over two decades, searching for Waldo has been the symbol of frustration for many Americans.  Matched only by the frustration felt when looking for your car keys to go to the grocery store to pick up the milk you need for the cereal you already poured out before you realised you were out of milk.”

Yet he was eager to urged caution, warning Americans to “remain vigilant against other unknowns”.

“We still don’t know how the cat got into the hat yet,” he reminded.

DISNEYLAND - In a blow for U.S. space ambitions, the White House has confirmed it will end all manned missions to Space Mountain from 2013.

The decision is part of ongoing changes in the national space policy which document the withdrawal of American interests in a number of space themed rides due to budgets reductions.

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WASHINGTON D.C. – In a troubling statement, the FBI have warned al-Qaeda may be preparing renewed attacks on the United States, possibly by funding future seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Officials are on high alert on the anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s death.  Endless adventures of the Kardashian sisters could be the most deadly attack on a western nation since IRA militants attempted to keep Big Brother on air in the UK, a plan foiled when Channel Five bought the rights to air the show.

President Obama has been briefed on the possible threat and kept from watching E! for his own safety.

New terror alert

The new concern is based on information the terrorist organisation may be building a “war chest” of funds to ensure that The Kardashians continues into seasons eight and beyond.

Robert Mueller, director of the FBI was frank in his assessment:  “We don’t want t alarm anybody, but our simulations show if al-Qaeda help produce continued inconsequential adventures of this family of narcissistic attention seekers beyond seven seasons the country will not recover.”

Ayman al-Zawahiri had promised retaliation for the death of Osama Bin Laden, and it’s thought ensuring the nation is preoccupied with which basketball team the Kardashian sisters were sleeping with would be considered a suitable response.

Mueller claimed this particular threat was troubling as it would be able to bypass traditional defences and hit the mental faculty of millions within a three metre radius of their televisions.

A White House counterterrorism advisor has already suggested protective measures against continued exposure to the Kardashian family – advising immediate viewing of C-SPAN if exposed.

‘We will remain vigilant’

Such an attack would be a departure from historical methods, but security experts say if successful could do more lasting damage, suggesting “our grandchildren will be many times dumber than we are now.”

“If al-Qaeda launch an attack to continue funding this show it could reduce our ability to think beyond a third grade level.”

“The country’s infrastructure would be set back decades, in that the country would lose the mental capacity to even build infrastructure for decades.”

Playing down fears, Department of Homeland Security spokesman Peter Booguard said authorities have “no indication of any specific credible plots or threats tied to the Bin Laden anniversary.”

He did however indicate that should future series of The Kardashians be green lit, Seal Team Six would be on hand to neutralise the threat to American lives.

COLOMBIA – In a shock fiscal move, Colombian sex workers have downgraded the credit rating of the United States after the inability of Secret Service agents to secure required funding to cover a $47 charge.

The downgrade is a major embarrassment for the U.S. and could see the cost of sex services – including basic foreplay – rise significantly for United States citizens travelling to South America.

A source close to the White House confirmed the President has been briefed on the situation and will deliver his response under an assumed identity.

‘That’ll cost you extra’

The unprecedented announcement comes at a time when the U.S. is already struggling with huge debts made worse by the addition of the outstanding $47 bill.

A spokeswoman for the National Association of Colombian Sex Workers, Sindra Morales, made the statement that U.S. would be downgraded from “XXX” to a much less secure “XX”.

Ms Morales said in a statement: “The downgrade reflects our opinion the fiscal irresponsibility of the United States has weakened the expectations that our girls will be paid in full for a job well done.”

“We simply do not view the United States as a reliable investment,” she added before confirming that any “really freaky stuff” would still cost an additional 50% on top of the increased cost of a basic package.

Fears are now rife that the U.S. rating would move closer to junk status, in that the cost of servicing their junk has now gone way up.

Shaky market confidence

This is the first time any agency have downgraded U.S. rating.  The most severe warning was in the 1770s when Benjamin Franklin refused to class reach arounds a valid sexual act and reneged on a five silver piece payment.

Despite the setback, sex workers in Bangkok have said they had no immediate plans to downgrade their rating.  Analysts also suggested the U.S. still remain an attractive option for hookers.

However, pessimism remains as some experts believe the downgrade will only erode confidence in the largest provider of horny men.

Economic commentator Mark Conner said the United States now needed to show it was good for the cash and maybe even pay up front to re-establish confidence among the world sex markets in what could become the biggest issue in the run up to November’s election.

“There’s no doubt this is a serious blow,” said Mr Conner, “and not the good kind either.”

PENNSYLVANIA – Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has announced he is ending his bid for the White House to concentrate on fighting years of social progression.

Now unburdened by a lengthy campaign, he told supporters he would now dedicate his efforts “one hundred per cent” to reversing the trend of social progress back to the Dark Ages.

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ENGLAND – UK Prime Minister David Cameron has risked damaging the relationship between America and Britain after rating his U.S. visit two and a half stars on TripAdvisor.

Following the return from the U.S., the Conservative leader updated his profile on the travel reviews website with the lowest rating of any state visit since Hitler passed through Poland in 1939.

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PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.

An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”

The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”

Enough is enough

Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests.  In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.

In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.

America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.

Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.

In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.

The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”

“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.

2 Fast 2 Spurious

Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea.  Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.

“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden.  “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”

However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.

“It’s not all bad.  At least we still have Transformers.”

WASHINGTON DC – U.S. Special Operations forces have successfully picked up the president’s daughters from school in the kind of daring raid the Obama administration has said “ensures the girls get home in time for dinner”.

President Obama authorized the mission by SEAL Team 6 last week when he noticed the late return of both Sasha and Malia from Sidwell Friends school “for the third or fourth time this semester.”

News of the team’s success reached the president before diner time and allowed the family to enjoy a meal of spaghetti and meatballs together.

High value targets

The president called the mission “yet another message to the world that when school ends at five, we expect the girls home by five thirty.”

Officials said the raid, by members of the same SEAL Team 6 unit that killed Osama bin Laden, demonstrated President Barack Obama’s focus on family meal time.

Roughly two dozen SEALs parachuted from an Air Force special operations plane to a location two miles from the athletics field as the girls were finishing P.E.

Reports confirm the commandos “entered the vicinity of the compound at 1600 hours,” at which point they “secured the immediate area before maneuvering to the north side of the cafeteria.”

From there “they made their way through the library and reached Mrs Simon’s history class using the latest breach and entry techniques in time to load the girls into a helicopter waiting on the roof of the gymnasium.”

SEAL snipers had been staged to protect against hall monitors, though a U.S. official confirmed the fake hall passes deployed by the team meant use of live ammunition was not required on this occasion.

Mission accomplished

“As a parent, I could not be prouder of the troops who carried out this mission,” Obama said in a statement released by the White House.  “Michelle was not going to tolerate the girls coming home late again on another spaghetti and meatball night.”

The president also apologised for the injuries sustained by little Timmy Brennan during the raid.

Head of school, Tom Farquhar did question whether the mission was necessary as “we could have let the girls go a little earlier than the rest of the class if it was a problem.”

Following the successful mission, Barack Obama went on to indicate he would consider deploying SEAL Team 6 again the next time the girls’ piano lessons ran over time.