WASHINGTON DC – Donald Trump has lashed out at the “dishonest media” for continuing to underreport serious incidents of terror, citing the Smurf Village Massacre as the latest example of journalistic negligence.
WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.
Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.
WASHINGTON D.C. – The National Security Agency is denying reports that Barack Obama has been aware of the surveillance of prayers to God since 2010.
The fallout from fresh allegations have been brought by Edward Snowden’s leak of classified security material, prompting even more damaging questions about the extent of US spy activities.
WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.
As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.
The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.
Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.
The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.
Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”
“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”
It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.
Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.
Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”
Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.
“Let me be clear,” Obama began. “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career. Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”
The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.
The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.
Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”
“Boy I miss those days.”
WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.
In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.
According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.
Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.
“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh. “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”
Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.
“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”
In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.
“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this? Turkey.”
Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there. “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”
With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.
“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.
“Why these turkeys huh? What’s so special about them?”
“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”
“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”
“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”
“What’s the real story here?”
It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.
WASHINGTON DC – After Barack Obama’s re-election, a physical manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s blind rage is being tipped to become GOP candidate for president in 2016.
The dark, deep, lighting filled cloud has already emerged as an early frontrunner for Republicans as the party looks to reinvent itself following a disappointing loss to the president and reason for the cloud’s existence.
Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud has already tested through the roof with conservative voters, beating out prominent candidates including Jeb Bush and a shrink wrapped copy of Atlas Shrugged.
A newcomer to the political arena, the turbulent rage cloud burst onto the scene only seconds after President Obama’s re-election and has continued growing its support and overall surface area.
“There’s no doubt that this thing is the rising star of the new conservative movement,” said Fox News analyst Karl Rove.
With a view on the 2016 presidential race, conservative pundits are left to debate why the ominous hate filled cloud was so popular.
“It’s the only candidate that is really speaking to the core Republican base in any meaningful way,” suggested conservative commentator Dick Morris.
“The rage cloud has come out of nowhere but the party is really connecting with its message of unsubstantiated fear and institutional racism.”
Indeed, disappointed conservative voters have indicated they would likely back a bid for the White House if the rage cloud decided to run.
“I would totally vote for Rush’s semi solid rage cloud,” admitted Alabama voter Chad Evans. “It screams incessantly at me in a way Mitt Romney never did.”
Mr Evans, who now lives in an underground panic bunker for fear of a second Obama term says a 2016 bid by the anger filled cloud could persuade him and his family to consider living above ground again.
However, some early optimism has been tempered as the rage cloud has yet to announced its plans for the 2016 race. And while Rove admitted “it hasn’t laid out a coherent policy,” he also noted “that never stopped Mitt from running.”
Karl Rove remained adamant the hate fueled cloud was delaying as it worked out a deal to make a similar sized semi-solid cloud of Republican misogynistic sentiment its vice presidential pick for a devastating ticket in 2016.
Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud avoided the topic when interviewed however, instead emitting a succession of lighting bursts along with belligerent and barely intelligible ramblings about Mexicans, guns and “THOSE DAMN GAYS”.
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a dramatic late night press conference, President Barack Obama has announced the death of Waldo after years in hiding.
The president, standing in the East room of the White House, disclosed that the fugitive had been cornered by military personnel and was shot once in the chest and twice in the bobble hat after resisting capture.
The death of Waldo marks the most significant moment in U.S. national security “since we uncovered the Grinch’s plot to steal Christmas,” according to a White House spokeswoman.
Waldo was thought to have had help evading discovery from known associates including Wizard Whitebeard, a long time Homeland Security target and Gandalf impersonator.
Sources revealed traces of red and white fibre were discovered by operatives on page 8, allowing Waldo to be tracked to page 17 where he was eventually cornered at a beach house on page 23 and killed.
In sad news however, it was also disclosed that three look alikes were unfortunately gunned down before operatives eventually found the right man finding the target.
After conferring with his daughters “and the kid next door just to make sure”, the president gave the word to move in.
The news of Waldo’s death ends a nationwide manhunt and sparked an immediate outpouring of emotion from children aged five to seven and many young adults who spent decades in the search.
At bookstores across the country people gathered cheerily and began chanting “USA USA!”
One joyous individual cried “I’ve been searching for that bastard for over 6 years and never found him.”
“I thought I did once but it was just a candy cane.”
President Obama paused to give praise to former president George W Bush, who spent billions of dollars and many evenings flicking through pages to track down Waldo during his two terms as Commander In Chief.
Mr Obama closed his announcement with the following address:
“For over two decades, searching for Waldo has been the symbol of frustration for many Americans. Matched only by the frustration felt when looking for your car keys to go to the grocery store to pick up the milk you need for the cereal you already poured out before you realised you were out of milk.”
Yet he was eager to urged caution, warning Americans to “remain vigilant against other unknowns”.
“We still don’t know how the cat got into the hat yet,” he reminded.
DISNEYLAND – In a blow for U.S. space ambitions, the White House has confirmed it will end all manned missions to Space Mountain from 2013.
The decision is part of ongoing changes in the national space policy which document the withdrawal of American interests in a number of space themed rides due to budgets reductions.
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a troubling statement, the FBI have warned al-Qaeda may be preparing renewed attacks on the United States, possibly by funding future seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
Officials are on high alert on the anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s death. Endless adventures of the Kardashian sisters could be the most deadly attack on a western nation since IRA militants attempted to keep Big Brother on air in the UK, a plan foiled when Channel Five bought the rights to air the show.
President Obama has been briefed on the possible threat and kept from watching E! for his own safety.
The new concern is based on information the terrorist organisation may be building a “war chest” of funds to make sure that The Kardashians continues into seasons eight and beyond.
Robert Mueller, director of the FBI was frank in his assessment: “We don’t want to alarm anybody, but our simulations show if al-Qaeda help produce continued inconsequential adventures of this family of narcissistic attention seekers beyond seven seasons the country will not recover.”
Ayman al-Zawahiri had promised retaliation for the death of Osama Bin Laden, and it’s thought ensuring the nation is preoccupied with which basketball team the Kardashian sisters were sleeping with would be considered a suitable response.
Mueller claimed this particular threat was troubling as it would be able to bypass traditional defences and hit the mental faculty of millions within a three metre radius of their televisions.
A White House counter-terrorism advisor has already suggested protective measures against continued exposure to the Kardashian family – advising immediate viewing of C-SPAN if exposed.
Such an attack would be a departure from historical methods, but security experts say if successful could do more lasting damage, suggesting “our grandchildren will be many times dumber than we are now.”
“If al-Qaeda launch an attack to continue funding this show it could reduce our ability to think beyond a third grade level.”
“The country’s infrastructure would be set back decades, in that the country would lose the mental capacity to even build infrastructure for decades.”
Playing down fears, Department of Homeland Security spokesman Peter Booguard said authorities have “no indication of any specific credible plots or threats tied to the Bin Laden anniversary.”
He did however indicate that should future series of The Kardashians be green lit, Seal Team Six would be on hand to neutralise the threat to American lives.