Tag Archive | "Wall Street"

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Banks Announce They’re Ready To Crash World Economy Again


WALL STREET – Bankers at the world’s largest financial institutions have announced they are ready to kick off another economic catastrophe some time soon.

Current economic conditions suggest now is “as good a time as any” to begin engaging in a series of esoteric, overly complex financial transactions that would inevitably fail and being the world economy down with them.

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Hackers Shut Down Mitt Romney’s Operating System


MASSACHUSETTS – The Republican race for presidential nominee took another twist last night after computer hackers reportedly hacked into Mitt Romney and shut down his operating system.

The attack is thought to have taken place during a press conference as Romney began reciting “garbled gibberish and programming code” in front of journalists.

Mitt Romney’s internal firewall was left unable to defend against external scrutiny, leaving his political campaign unit (PCU) incapable of generating vague and evasive non-answers to simple questions.

Made in Wall Street

The security breach marks the first time a hacking attempt on a public figure has been made since Keanu Reeves was jailbroken in a failed attempt to install a more life-like acting ability firmware.

Observers had initially assumed the former Governor was referring to his new tax structure when he shouted “0-0-0”, and thought he was actually laying out his plans for government when he repeated the phrase “error – immediate shutdown required” for 10 minutes.

“This is terrible news for Romneybot,” said political commentator Bill O Reilly, who believed there was now a genuine possibility of hackers uploading Romney’s political kernel into a non-Mormon humanoid unit – posing a serious threat to the former Governor’s chances of securing enough votes for the GOP nomination.

Those in Romney’s camp initially played down the breach as compromising “only a very small section” of his fresh ideas for government – but it was later confirmed that hackers actually got everything.

Mitt Romney’s campaign manager later acknowledged the severity of the hack in a statement, admitting they should have noticed signs of malfunction when Romney privately acknowledged the possibility that President Obama was born in America.

Inadequate security measures

Technology experts say hackers took advantage of Romney’s “simplistic security protocols”, to gain crucial login information before accessing his core operating system terminal through brute force methods.

“His password was ‘corporationsrpeople’.  Once the hackers got that they had complete access to his systems as well as his credit card details.”

The incident appears to have opened the door open for fellow candidate Rick Perry who is deemed too simple a system to be cracked with modern techniques.

Mitt Romney has since been returned to his manufacturer for urgent repairs and is expected to be wiped clean and reinstalled with the latest version of popular political soundbites.

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“How Will People Know I’ve Got The New One?” Say Insecure iPhone Users


NEW YORK – Apple have been slammed for releasing a phone that looks identical to the last one, leaving insecure users with no visible way to demonstrate their social superiority to strangers.

The Cupertino based company released the phone to a chorus of disapproval from pretentious and insecure fans alike who are concerned they will have no obvious way to show people they have never met that they have bought the latest Apple technology

“What’s the point in buying this if no one on the subway can tell it’s the new one?” Questioned confessed Apple fan and Hummer driver Martin Fitzgerald.

Underwhelming release

Despite a faster CPU, revolutionary speech interface and improved the antenna for more reliable calls, many onlookers were worried that if they bought the device someone could still mistake them for a last-gen iPhone user.

Mr Fitzgerald admitted he feared that owning an iPhone that looked the same as the last one would do little to temporarily elevated his perceived value as much as his move from iPhone 3GS to iPhone 4.

“As soon as I whipped out my iPhone 4 for no reason people knew I was special.  They knew I was somebody.”

New York native Ted Murray said that he would buy the new iPhone, and then wear t-shirt that said “I bought the new iPhone 4S” as a way to ensure people around him knew he had money.

Shares in Apple fell by almost 5% within minutes of the launch.  Wall Street analysts indicated that both investors and Apple fans had expected the latest iteration to be something you could shove in the next guy’s face and say “ner ner n-ner ner I got the new iPhone.”

‘What’s the point?’

“This a huge misstep for Apple,” said analyst John Gruber.  “The iPhone 4 has shown that people don’tbuy these things to make calls.  They buy them to let everyone in a 10-meter radius know they are inferior human beings.”

In an attempt to reassure users soon after the launch, Apple released a statement on behalf of new CEO Tim Cook pointing out that “the smug look on your face when you buy an iPhone will make it clear to others around you.”

This was rejected by Mr Fitzgerald however, who said the look only lasted for “a week max” before wearing off.

“That’s nowhere near long enough to make me feel good on the inside.”

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Satan Resigns From News Corporation


NEW YORK – As the scandal surrounding News Corporation continues, fresh reports have emerged confirming Satan to be the latest executive to announce his resignation from the company.

Citing the ‘increasingly perverse and corrupt’ company culture, the ruler of Hell has decided to step down from his position as head of global strategy with immediate effect.

He claimed that the recent incidents “put things into perspective to a point in which I just could not continue,” highlighting the hacking of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler’s mobile phone as something that made his decision “that much easier to make.”

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Escaped Snake Returns To Natural Wall Street Habitat


NEW YORK – A deadly snake thought to be loose in the city after escaping from Bronx Zoo has been found miles away in it’s natural habitat:  Wall Street.

The Egyptian cobra had been declared missing after staff at the zoo noticed it had escaped from it’s enclosure on Monday, but has now been reported to be slithered along the halls of a Wall Street trading floor.

Zoo officials were said to be “glad it turned up safe and in an atmosphere comfortable for snakes.”

After a search that has taken almost 24 hours, experts were said to be kicking themselves for not looking within New York’s financial district sooner.

‘It was the obvious place to look’

Professor Charles Ebert remarked that it was ‘glaringly obvious’ that the snake would have made its way to the financial district.

“Based on our knowledge of the natural history and behaviour of snakes, it is only natural that it would seek comfortable surroundings among like-minded creatures in Wall Street.”

“It would have blended in so well that I’m surprised anyone noticed,” he added.

It has Initially been expected that keepers from the zoo would attempt to move the snake, but such plans were scrapped when it began making winning stock picks, adding $62 million to the firm’s bottom line in just three hours of trading.

Perhaps surprisingly, fellow investors claimed not to have noticed anything amiss with the presence of a 20-inch-long snake alongside them until it began spitting venom at a co-worker in a dispute over an acceptable price for wheat futures.

Despite this, executives are thought to be considering offering it a permanent position – putting the incident down to a ‘misunderstanding of office etiquette’.

New home

Its keepers said they had no idea this breed of snake also had a natural ability for speculative trading – an ability that makes it deadly to unsuspecting humans as well as an unsuspecting economy.

“What can I say, the snake is a natural,” raved futures manager Andy Steinburg, who struggled to pick it out among the other traders in the office.

“It has all the attributes to make some real money:  A dead eyed, bottom crawling, unfeeling, cold-blooded slippery reptile with an instinctive skill for risky speculative trading.  This particular snake will do well here.”

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Banker Pees on Homeless Man, Explains Trickle Down Theory


NEW YORK CITY – A Goldman Sachs employee has become the first Wall Street banker to successfully communicate the fundamentals of trickle down economics to a mass audience by taking a leak on a homeless man outside his office building.

Frustrated by the lack of understand from the general public over the necessity of a trickle down economy, securities industry executive Adam Peterson gave a live demonstration of the theory in action with the help of Dom Perignon bought to celebrate his recent $118,250 bonus – illustrating why trickle down is so important to the prosperity of the wider population.

Waiting until his bladder was full, Mr Peterson is said to have left the building to urinate on an unnamed homeless man, explaining that the “champagne represents money and my bladder represents the upper class.”

Golden Lesson

He then carefully explained that “the process of filtration results in a by-product that showers out and onto the rest of society as represented by this homeless man I just met.  It’s that simple.”

“You see, the nutrients in my urine helps this homeless man get the vitamins he simply cannot find through his meagre diet.  He needs me to drink to excess so I can pass on the benefits.  Plus, if this man wasn’t there,  my urine would be hitting the wall, and that’s just a waste of good piss.”

He then shook off and went back to work.

‘Couldn’t have made it any clearer’

“The visual aid was really helpful,” said Brian Henson who was passing by in time to pick up the lesson.  “When the homeless guy was begging him to stop, I really understood how it all works.  The credit crunch, the bailout, the bonuses…all of it.”

Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein commended Mr Peterson’s ‘practical method of education’, saying that the stunt represented the clearest explanation of how grotesque sums of unearned money gathered by a small elite plays a crucial role in the economic prosperity of the wider nation.

This after a recent report showed Wall Street pay have risen to pre-crisis levels, making the public demonstration of the economic theory even more timely.

“Maybe if we had explained it like that much earlier, more people would have understood what was going on.”

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Goldman Sachs Cancels Contract With God


WALL STREET – In what looks to become a hostile legal battle, banking giant Goldman Sachs have announced that they are to cancel their contract with God with immediate effect, blaming ‘restrictive employment conditions’.

Anonymous sources noted that the company had received an improved, less restrictive offer from an as yet unnamed third party, understood to be headquartered ‘way way down under’.

The company share price rose 2.5% on the news, a sure sign that investors felt removing any link to morality from daily operations would be positive for the long term success of the company.

‘We’re done with God’s work’

The investment bank shocked the world in 2010 when CEO Lloyd Blankfein revealed his company was under contract with the almighty one,  although reports at the time suggested God had no recollection of contracting the firm to bring the global economy to it’s knees, instigating one of the largest transfers of wealth possible without buying a lottery ticket.

Waving the Bible in the air, Mr Blankfein cited a number of the disputed terms of employment he felt contributed to unfair working conditions, including Acts 20:35 ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’ and 2 Corinthians 9:7 ‘God loves a cheerful giver’.

“There’s no way we would have agreed to these terms if they ha been made clear to us… ‘He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord?’  How can we do business with these restrictions?”

Officially Godless

God admitted the news Goldman Sachs were under his employment was as big a revelation as finding out Judas had gone rogue, though he did mention He’s had a lot on his mind over the past millenia and could have simply forgot.

It’s now expected that He would consult His legal team – comprising of Micheal Jackson’s attorney, the ghost of Jonnie Cochran and the D.A. from Law and Order – to determine the most appropriate means of recourse after Goldman had shown such ‘chutzpah’ to disrespect Him so publicly.

Johnny Cochran told a judge:  “We’re looking at damages of at least $500 million, payable by the bank ‘in this life or the next’.

“We got a better offer from another guy anyway, we don’t need God anymore and He needs to accept that before things get ugly.”

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Wu Tang Clan Make Job Cuts As Unemployment Rises


SHAOLIN – After years of rapid growth, the Wu Tang Clan have been forced into an unexpected round of job cuts, pushing their unemployment rate past 20%.  

Leading member RZA put the move down to ‘harsh economic realities’ in the rap game leading to the departure of Method Man, GZA and Raekwon among others.

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