Tag Archive | "violence"

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“We Still Don’t See The Link Between Guns and Gun Violence” Say NRA

VIRGINIA – The US National Rifle Association have cautioned the rest of the world for attempting to link gun to gun violence when “we can’t see any connection whatsoever.”

NRA officials said they failed to understand how an incident in which 27 people were tragically gunned down could be related to a frank and honest discussion about the thing the gunman used to carry out the violence.

“We just don’t see how the two are connected.  Is this some kinda riddle or what?”

Head scratcher

NRA president Wayne LaPierre said they first noticed the pattern after mass shooting in Columbine when the murder of 13 people lead to a nationwide discussion on gun control.

“Every time something like this happens people want to bring up gun control.  I’m sorry, we just don’t see what the connection is,” said LaPierre.

“The same thing happened after Virginia Tech and come to think of it, not long after the Aurora shooting too.  What gives?”

According to inside sources, the association is now concerned that talk about guns in the media might prematurely link a sequence of senseless mass shootings with the availability of thing made to shoot people.

“Look, we just don’t want to rush into to any conclusions here,” warned gun advocate and NRA member Buck Riley. “Personally I don’t think anyone could say for sure how much of a role guns played in these incidents, if at all.”

“Who really know what causes anything these days huh?”

He also admitted he has yet to see the Sandy Hook school incident due to shooting out his television in a failed attempt to operate it after losing the remote.

‘Are we missing something?’

As the nation comes to terms with the tragic consequences of one man’s actions, NRA officials said the push to discuss gun violence so close to an incident of gun violence was “not the right time.”

However, in an attempt to appease concerned individuals, LaPierre promised to check the NRA calendar for a date when it would be ok to discuss the issue.

“Maybe next Tuesday.  No wait, we have rifle practise that day.”

“Let’s see here…maybe next Saturday?  No…that’s bring your extra gun to gun club day.”

“Um…We’ll get back to you on that.”

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Russia, Poland Slammed for Outbreak of Football During Mass Brawl

UKRAINE – The football administrations of Russia and Poland have been forced to apologise to extremist groups over an unfortunate breakout of football during mass street brawls this week.

Violent clashes between rival supporters were tragically halted when the respective football teams charged onto the field of play and engaged in an organised sporting contest.

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UN To Use Bigger Adjectives When Discussing Syria Bloodshed

NEW YORK – The UN has indicated it will make a firm stand against Syria’s president by pledging to use stronger adjectives to describe the ongoing massacre in the country.

With attacks against civilians showing no sign of easing, the organisation declared they could no longer stand by and use regular vocabulary when talking about the endless murder of innocents.

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A Response Letter From Joseph Kony

CENTRAL AFRICA – The following letter to internet users was delivered today on behalf of Joseph Kony:

Dear internet users,

By now you are no doubt aware of the highly inflammatory claim made by many on your “social network” websites.  Ever since a certain video went viral I have had to face continuous accusations and frankly, enough is enough.

The slanderous images being spread on your Facebook and your Twitter have further hindered my credibility and it is this witch-hunt that has left me with no option but to issue this definitive denial:

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Bozo Gunned Down As Clown Related Violence Reaches High

CONNECTICUT – The world of children’s entertainment has been stunned by the death of two rival clowns described as ‘bitter enemies to the last pie gag’.

At 14:27pm EDT this Tuesday, Bozo the Clown was mercilessly gunned down at a birthday party while performing his classic Comically Trip Over and Pretend You Can’t Get Up routine (TM).

He was shot six times, including one in the red nose, and pronounced dead at the scene.

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Fearful Refugees Continue To Flee Tottenham Violence

LONDON – After violent scenes in the nation’s capital, scores of refugees continue to flee the North London area of Tottenham in efforts to seek safety and security.

Initially peaceful protests turned ugly over the weekend leaving residents with no choice but to seek  asylum in safer areas, with many heading to the relative safety of war torn Somalia, Gaza and Baghdad.

“We just want a chance of a peaceful life,” said one single mother of two who believed her children deserved a less hostile environment in which to grow up.   “It’s just not safe for us here…We’re going to try our luck in Afghanistan.”

Situation untenable

The UN Refugee Agency has made an emergency appeal to respective governments to increase resettlement slots for refugees impacted by spreading violence in North London.

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon said: “We are looking to initiate resettlement programs to ensure people from Tottenham are given the secure living conditions they are not afforded in their home town.”

Although publicly willing, many governments privately worry that the chaos seen in Tottenham could spread to their own countries.

Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has warned that they would extend a welcome to refugees, but only on condition that they leave “that dangerous behaviour” behind them.

This hesitation comes after a travel warning from Somali capital Mogadishu advised residents against travel to Tottenham or the surrounding boroughs unless “absolutely necessary”.

“We’re simply asking our people to exercise caution,” said Somali foreign minister, Mohamed Abdullahi Omaar.  “The situation is still uncertain and unless you really want a good deal on televisions or foodstuffs we see no reason to put yourself in danger.”

Abdullahi Omaar also announced a hot-line for ex-patriots caught up in the turbulent scenes, adding: “We have arranged chartered flights out of Tottenham so those concerned for their safety can return to Somalia.”

Comin’ Straight Outta Tottenham

Until the situation calms down, Abdullahi Omaar deemed the area a ‘no go’ zone.

Thousands are thought to be making their way out of Tottenham, although travel was hampered by planned engineering works on the Victoria, Hammersmith & City, Circle and Jubilee lines of the London Underground.

Transport for London officials advised anyone looking to flee the town to protect the safety of their family’s lives to seek alternative routes.

In addition, major traffic delays on the A406 southbound between junctions one and five mean that in reality, many would sadly perish before reaching the M25.

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Police Protesters Slammed For ‘Excessive’ Force Used On Themselves

LONDON – The anti-spending cuts demonstration took an ugly turn after widespread reports of police offers using ‘excessive levels of force’ on themselves as they sought to keep their protests under control.

The Metropolitan Police have admitted to receiving an ‘alarming’ number of complaints following the self-inflicted violence that marred the protests in London on Saturday.

It emerged that every officer at the march put in a complaint against himself for using what was deemed to be heavy-handed crowd control tactics.  Those with the largest weapons complained the loudest as they wasted no time physically beating themselves back for publicly demonstrating anger over planned cuts to public spending.

Alfred Fernandes, a 15 year veteran, described how he over-reacted to his part in the largely peaceful event by tasering himself as he tried to maintain order in the face of what he deemed to be his ‘threatening actions’.

Chaos in the streets

Indeed, many officers were left shocked at the extreme lengths they went to keep order among themselves.

There were even numerous reports of self intimidation, with one officer revealing how he stood in front of his mirror before leaving and threatened to ‘smash in my skull’ in if he even thought of joining the calls for the government put and end to debilitating cuts.

Marion Walters, 57, a tourist from Yeovil said it begged belief how the police felt it appropriate to go at themselves with such brute force.  “There are so many tourists here. What are they going to think?’”

The disturbing scenes sparked fierce calls for an enquiry into how members of the Metropolitan police would adequately protect themselves against themselves in the event of further demonstrations.

Scotland Yard commander Bob Broadhurst believed the first step would be to make sure all officers involved had a stern talk with themselves.

Gross misconduct

Broadhurst empathised with police who were victims of self-abuse, defending their right to protest un-self-molested as complaints continued to pour in.

“Never been treated so poorly!” blasted Constable Craig Marshall, one of the first to file an official complaint after placing himself in handcuffs for ‘no good reason’.

“I came out of nowhere,”  Marshall accused before adding: “when I laid hands on me I knew I had gone too far.  What gives me the right to manhandle myself like that?!”

He later defended his actions however,  insisting that he looked like a potential danger and was “pretty sure I had it coming.”

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Count Chocula Calls For Ivory Coast Resolution

IVORY COAST – Count Vladimir Elysius von Chocula aka “Count Chocula” has called for the disputed leader to step down for the sake of political stability.

Count Chocula spoke at a press conference alongside General Mills delegates Frankenberry and Lucky the Leprechaun.

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Afghan Violence ‘Will Get Worse Before It Gets Worser’

ENGLAND – The UK’s most senior military commander has told the coalition government to expect violence in Afghanistan to get worse before it gets ‘even worser’.  

Lt Gen Sir Nick Parker’s comments came as military forces clocked nine years in a quagmire with nothing to show for it but sunburn and a vague sense of purpose.

“This is a complex operation and we do not even know why we’re here or what the mission is…so expect things to go even further down the hill than they already are.”

General Parker added that ‘the bell curve of violence’ would increase before it increased some more but at a faster rate, at which point “we would likely give up and look for an easier country to invade…I hear Yemen’s looking ripe for an incursion.”

Taliban leader Mullah Omar made it clear he didn’t really ‘get’ what US and British troops were trying to do, but urged them to continue doing it.

‘Turning the corner’

It had been expected that the resignation of Gen McChrystal would bring new ideas or at least another surge to keep things interesting, but US President Barack Obama reiterated his commitment to doing ‘the same thing the we’ve been doing for nearly ten years now’, reflecting his administration’s unwavering belief in the current course.

“The strategy will not change.  We still don’t know what were doing here and were going to keep it that way.”

Though many have criticised the operation that has seen a total of 332 British troops and 3000 US troops killed, rampant government corruption and enough heroin to entertain Amy Winehouse for a week, General Parker maintains this is all part of the strategy to ensure another decade is wasted.

“This is the plan right?  Yeah…it must be, otherwise I don’t know what the hell is going on.”

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President Obama Condemns Harry Potter Book Burning

WASHINGTON – US President Barack Obama called plans for a group of Percy Jackson fans to burn books from rival children’s fiction series Harry Potter ‘dangerous and inflammatory’.

Mr Obama made the statement after the group of ‘Harry Potter haters’ decided to protest the November 19th release of the latest film and ‘send a message to Hogwarts’.

Group leader Nicolas Richards, 37, declared “we’ve had seven books and six films…enough is enough!”

Ideological warfare

Richards said his plan to burn the children’s books were intended to draw attention to his belief that the Percy Jackson books were “incompatible with the trash JK Rowling writes.”

Potterheads demand the cannon be treated with the utmost respect. Any intentional damage or show of disrespect to the literary works or theatrical adaptations is deeply offensive to them.

“These guys are crazy, we shouldn’t provoke them” warned the president in an address from the White House library.

Thousands of Potterheads have already taken to the streets, resulting in three shootings outside a Barnes & Noble when protests turned violent.

Your book sucks

The group’s demonstration triggered a chorus of international criticism with Pakistan president and known Potterhead Asif Zardari claiming “anyone who even thought of such a despicable act must be suffering from a diseased mind and a sickly soul.”

Downing Street also condemned any attempt to offend a group of ‘hardcore Harry Potter nutters’. Ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair urged people to at least read the Philosopher’s Stone, “and see if it grows on you.”

Having already been accused of overreacting to what are essentially the same books about nondescript teenagers with magical powers, many echo Mr Blair’s calls to actually read the book.

However, the group declined and will continue with the burning on the movie’s release, insisting ‘we don’t need to read Harry Potter to oppose everything it stands for.’

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