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MH370: Black Box Discovery Could Hamper Wild Speculation Efforts


NEW YORK – 24-hour news networks have expressed concern that the discovery of flight MH370’s black box could damage ongoing efforts to pass wild speculation off as news.

The discovery of the Malaysian craft’s black box would be a severe blow to the hopes of news network bosses intent on pulling their theories from the same black hole they think the plane could have disappeared into.

Hosts at CNN, MSNBC and Fox say they would be at a “complete loss” if they could no longer produce verbal diarrhoea in the absence of any evidence.

An inconvenient truth

With the search for the plane’s black box intensifying, there are genuine fears among major news networks that any hard data obtained would leave them facing the reality of reporting facts.

The plane’s black boxes emit “pings” at a frequency of 37.5kHz, almost as high as the frequency of baseless speculation emitting from 24-hour news networks.

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz said his team was not prepared for a scenario in which the whereabouts of the plane are confirmed, admitting: “it’s been so long most of us don’t even know what it means to report credible news.”

“It’s always a race against time trying to fill a 24-hour news cycle with absurd theories before facts hit your desk,” said CNN anchor Don Lemon.

Lemon revealed CNN turned down several “great” crackpot theories before agreeing on the premise that the Malaysian Airlines flight could have crashed landed onto a mysterious island like Lost.

“It’s an hour-long special and will be done as soon as I finish the season six box set.”

No news is good news

Malaysian authorities have made clear that if the debris from MH370 if found they would make counselling available to grief-stricken news hosts.

“We know this is a stressful time for those who claim to be journalists,” said a spokesperson for the airline.  “The closer we get to finding this plane the closer they get to having to do their actual job reporting on facts.”

Lemon did hope the plane was found, but said the network was ready for a prolonged search and had plenty of filler material lined up.

In an anxious moment he said his network would be watching the search for flight MH370 with bated breath.

“If they find that plane there’ll be no chance to make things up and call it credible journalism.”

“Then what will we do?!”

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Kanye West Interrupts Pope Francis Person Of The Year Speech


VATICAN – Kanye West has sparked more controversy after interrupting the Pope Francis’ acceptance speech for the Person of the Year award.

The 77-year-old pontiff, collecting his award at the Vatican, was left humiliated as West appeared to grab the microphone and launch into a passionate diatribe.

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Justin Bieber Apologies to Parents For Turning Up to Concert At All


LONDON – Justin Bieber has issued an apology to parents at his concert after his unexplained absence was cut short allowing him to get on stage and sing for a moment.

The teen star did not show after two hours but eventually disappointed parent accompanying their children when showed up and began his repertoire of songs.

His appearance caused shock to many adults in the Arena who had thought the were in the clear.

Bieber fever

There were boos on the stage when the 19-year-old eventually appeared, marking the moment parents realised they would have to stay for at least one Justin Bieber song.

Writing on Twitter, the Bieber blamed an unforseen resolution of issues for his arrival.

“There is no excuse and I apologise for anyone that was upset that these technical issues did not keep me away long enough to miss the show.”

A spokesman for The O2 said promoters have been asked to explain why after being hours late, the pop star did not just “sack the whole thing off.”

Speaking outside the venue, one fan recalled the feeling of tension around the arena as more time passed without the star making an appearance.

“But then the little twat pops up on stage all of a suddenly and there was no getting out of it then.”

‘He’s shown contempt for us all’

“Who does he think he is keeping us in suspense like that,” said Jessica Martins, 42, who was moments away from telling her nine-year-old “sorry we have to go” while holding back a smile.

“Some people here tonight paid good money to sit in the front row to look like a hero your child while silently praying that his tour bus drove into a ditch somewhere on the M25 and then he goes and pulls a stunt like this and shows up!”

Mrs Martins one of several in attendance who said they would not return to another Bieber concert given the high likelihood he would actually make an appearance at some point.

“If I wanted to see a show where the artist comes two hours late and performs like nothing’s happened I would have gone to one of those rap shows.”

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Pope To Further Reach Out To Young People By Skipping Christmas Mass


VATICAN – Following his arrival to Twitter, the Pope has outlined plans to double down on his efforts to reach young people by skipping this year’s Christmas Mass ceremony.

Pope Benedict XVI usually delivers the annual ceremony in front of thousands of devoted followers, but said he would “give it a miss” this year as he looked to target the young and lazy demographic to the Catholic Church.

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O2 Users Forced To Speak To Each Other After Mobile Phone Outage


UNITED KINGDOM – Millions of O2 phone owners have been forced to hold conversations in person after a mobile phone blackout this week.

Individuals and entire families reported experiencing issues when they found themselves with no other option but to speak with the person in front of them while discussing mildly interesting topics.

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A Response Letter From Joseph Kony


CENTRAL AFRICA – The following letter to internet users was delivered today on behalf of Joseph Kony:

Dear internet users,

By now you are no doubt aware of the highly inflammatory claim made by many on your “social network” websites.  Ever since a certain video went viral I have had to face continuous accusations and frankly, enough is enough.

The slanderous images being spread on your Facebook and your Twitter have further hindered my credibility and it is this witch-hunt that has left me with no option but to issue this definitive denial:

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Internet Users Frustrated Joseph Kony Still Free After Week of Tweeting


INTERNET – Following an entire week of tweeting, internet users have reportedly become frustrated that Joseph Kony has not been captured, branding the situation as “lame”.

Despite an internet campaign calling for the arrest of Kony going viral,  thousands over Twitter users are said to be disillusioned over the failure of their tweets to bring the head of the Lord’s Resistance Army to justice.

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Ashton Kutcher ‘To Replace Colonel Gaddafi In Libya’


LIBYA – Multiple reports out of Tripoli have indicated that former Punk’d star Ashton Kutcher is in ‘late stage’ talks to replace Colonel Gaddafi as leader of Libya.

Recent events appear to have put an end to the Libyan ruler’s multi-decade run as the firebrand, but lovable dictator.  This after a NATO backed rebel uprising have left him “seriously considering other career options,” according to reports.

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Anthony Weiner Admits To Being Only Democrat With Penis


WASHINGTON DC – US Congressman Anthony Weiner has been forced to admit having a penis despite being a member of the Democratic Party after sending a photo of his crotch on Twitter – but says he will not resign.

The scandal makes Weiner – 46 – the first confirmed Democrat to possess the male genitalia since Bill Clinton, and has caused a huge upset among Washington veterans.

He agreed his actions were “very dumb”, but said he took the action as he knew that confessing to being a Democrat “with some gonads” would have put his role in serious jeopardy.

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Apple Reveal ‘Revolutionary’ New Way To Take Users Money


CUPERTINO – Apple CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled the iThing – a device and software service combination that will “transform the way we transfer money from your pocket to ours.”

Apple has been long rumored to introduce a device that did something, and have exceed market expectation by not only releasing a device that did something, but accompanying software service that did something too.

Showcasing a non-discript aluminum cube, Jobs did not explain what the device did but assured onlookers that it’s ‘awesome’ capabilities would shock and please users once they figured out what they were.

“The iThing will make us very, very rich,” he summed.

‘What does it do?’

The iThing device is set to retail for ‘whatever we can get away with’ and be available as soon as handed over their credit card details.

“A lot of people said that we could release a device that did nothing in particular and have people buy it.  Was it a difficult problem?  Absolutely.  But we have a lot of smart people at Apple and they have come up with the iThing”

During the hour long keynote, no other features were explained, leaving observers to assume they are so awesome that they could not be revealed all at once.

The device was tied to the new iThing service, which connects to the mysterious cube and then to a user supplied bank account wirelessly, piping money out on a regular user-determined basis.

“I don’t even know what this thing does but I bet you want one right?” added Jobs to a chorus of cheers from the audience.

Despite a complete absence of further details regarding what the product could be used for, tech journalists were unanimous in their praise of the new direction for Apple devices.

Instant hit

“What does it do?  It doesn’t matter.  I’ve already ordered two,” gushed technology journalist Walt Mossberg, who wrote in his objective hands-on review: “I can’t think of a product that does whatever this product does as well as this does it.”

The biggest cheer however, was reserved when the Apple CEO announced the iThing would come in white, sending online forums ablaze with anticipation.

“OMG!  Can you believe it does what it does and it does it in white.  OMFG!!!” said one fan on Twitter.

Such is the success of the product launch, rumors are already circulating about iThing 2 which allegedly will do what iThing does but be shinier.

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