LONDON – Justin Bieber has issued an apology to parents at his concert after his unexplained absence was cut short allowing him to get on stage and sing for a moment.

The teen star did not show after two hours but eventually disappointed parent accompanying their children when showed up and began his repertoire of songs.

His appearance caused shock to many adults in the Arena who had thought the were in the clear.

Bieber fever

There were boos on the stage when the 19-year-old eventually appeared, marking the moment parents realised they would have to stay for at least one Justin Bieber song.

Writing on Twitter, the Bieber blamed an unforseen resolution of issues for his arrival.

“There is no excuse and I apologise for anyone that was upset that these technical issues did not keep me away long enough to miss the show.”

A spokesman for The O2 said promoters have been asked to explain why after being hours late, the pop star did not just “sack the whole thing off.”

Speaking outside the venue, one fan recalled the feeling of tension around the arena as more time passed without the star making an appearance.

“But then the little twat pops up on stage all of a suddenly and there was no getting out of it then.”

‘He’s shown contempt for us all’

“Who does he think he is keeping us in suspense like that,” said Jessica Martins, 42, who was moments away from telling her nine-year-old “sorry we have to go” while holding back a smile.

“Some people here tonight paid good money to sit in the front row to look like a hero your child while silently praying that his tour bus drove into a ditch somewhere on the M25 and then he goes and pulls a stunt like this and shows up!”

Mrs Martins one of several in attendance who said they would not return to another Bieber concert given the high likelihood he would actually make an appearance at some point.

“If I wanted to see a show where the artist comes two hours late and performs like nothing’s happened I would have gone to one of those rap shows.”

VATICAN – Following his arrival to Twitter, the Pope has outlined plans to double down on his efforts to reach young people by skipping this year’s Christmas Mass ceremony.

Pope Benedict XVI usually delivers the annual ceremony in front of thousands of devoted followers, but said he would “give it a miss” this year as he looked to target the young and lazy demographic to the Catholic Church.

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UNITED KINGDOM – Millions of O2 phone owners have been forced to hold conversations in person after a mobile phone blackout this week.

Individuals and entire families reported experiencing issues when they found themselves with no other option but to speak with the person in front of them while discussing mildly interesting topics.

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CENTRAL AFRICA – The following letter to internet users was delivered today on behalf of Joseph Kony:

Dear internet users,

By now you are no doubt aware of the highly inflammatory claim made by many on your “social network” websites.  Ever since a certain video went viral I have had to face continuous accusations and frankly, enough is enough.

The slanderous images being spread on your Facebook and your Twitter have further hindered my credibility and it is this witch-hunt that has left me with no option but to issue this definitive denial:

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INTERNET – Following an entire week of tweeting, internet users have reportedly become frustrated that Joseph Kony has not been captured, branding the situation as “lame”.

Despite an internet campaign calling for the arrest of Kony going viral,  thousands over Twitter users are said to be disillusioned over the failure of their tweets to bring the head of the Lord’s Resistance Army to justice.

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LIBYA – Multiple reports out of Tripoli have indicated that former Punk’d star Ashton Kutcher is in ‘late stage’ talks to replace Colonel Gaddafi as leader of Libya.

Recent events appear to have put an end to the Libyan ruler’s multi-decade run as the firebrand, but lovable dictator.  This after a NATO backed rebel uprising have left him “seriously considering other career options,” according to reports.

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WASHINGTON DC – US Congressman Anthony Weiner has been forced to admit having a penis despite being a member of the Democratic Party after sending a photo of his crotch on Twitter – but says he will not resign.

The scandal makes Weiner – 46 – the first confirmed Democrat to possess the male genitalia since Bill Clinton, and has caused a huge upset among Washington veterans.

He agreed his actions were “very dumb”, but said he took the action as he knew that confessing to being a Democrat “with some gonads” would have put his role in serious jeopardy.

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CUPERTINO – Apple CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled the iThing – a device and software service combination that will “transform the way we transfer money from your pocket to ours.”

Apple has been long rumored to introduce a device that did something, and have exceed market expectation by not only releasing a device that did something, but accompanying software service that did something too.

Showcasing a non-discript aluminum cube, Jobs did not explain what the device did but assured onlookers that it’s ‘awesome’ capabilities would shock and please users once they figured out what they were.

“The iThing will make us very, very rich,” he summed.

‘What does it do?’

The iThing device is set to retail for ‘whatever we can get away with’ and be available as soon as handed over their credit card details.

“A lot of people said that we could release a device that did nothing in particular and have people buy it.  Was it a difficult problem?  Absolutely.  But we have a lot of smart people at Apple and they have come up with the iThing”

During the hour long keynote, no other features were explained, leaving observers to assume they are so awesome that they could not be revealed all at once.

The device was tied to the new iThing service, which connects to the mysterious cube and then to a user supplied bank account wirelessly, piping money out on a regular user-determined basis.

“I don’t even know what this thing does but I bet you want one right?” added Jobs to a chorus of cheers from the audience.

Despite a complete absence of further details regarding what the product could be used for, tech journalists were unanimous in their praise of the new direction for Apple devices.

Instant hit

“What does it do?  It doesn’t matter.  I’ve already ordered two,” gushed technology journalist Walt Mossberg, who wrote in his objective hands-on review: “I can’t think of a product that does whatever this product does as well as this does it.”

The biggest cheer however, was reserved when the Apple CEO announced the iThing would come in white, sending online forums ablaze with anticipation.

“OMG!  Can you believe it does what it does and it does it in white.  OMFG!!!” said one fan on Twitter.

Such is the success of the product launch, rumors are already circulating about iThing 2 which allegedly will do what iThing does but be shinier.

CALIFORNIA – McDonald’s have been forced to recall as many as nine million Big Macs, Double Cheeseburgers and Big Tastys after fears that they could contain as much as 100% real beef.

The recall, to be officially announced by the US Food And Drug Administration imminently, was set in motion hours after a customer remarked that her burger tasted like ‘real food’ and soon after alerted the FDA. Specimen testing on a Quarter Pounder (with cheese) confirmed the presence of authentic beef inside the space between buns where reheated imitation beef should have been.

Authentic beef is a potent source of minerals and protein which, when consumed in sufficiently high doses could contribute to a healthy and balanced diet.

Unsafe for consumption

Word of the contamination has spread quickly throughout media outlets and social networking sites alike, with the nation making plain it’s outrage that a company with a decorated history of nutritional negligence could find itself in such a comprising position.

“Don’t they have checks for these things???” commented one Twitter user. “I mean…real beef, C’MON #mickyD?! Heads should roll for this! #epicfail”

Many customers have now said they would reconsider visiting the restaurant in the near future. Speaking to local news, one fan was quick to express their disgust, saying: “I’m just stunned.  This is just not what I come to McDonald’s for. If I wanted nutrition, I would have joined Weight Watchers.”

The recall is projected to cost the fast food chain as much as $25 million, enough to pay hourly wages of roughly 3 million illegal immigrants, but a necessary step to protect the poor nutritional value of it’s food offerings, say executives.

Proud tradition of serving non-food

A McDonald’s spokesman, Mike Reid, said in an interview: “We’ve had a good, constructive two-way dialogue with the FDA’s office and the clinically obese. We’re on top of it.”

“We’re confident we’ve isolated the source of the real beef contamination and with increased safeguards it will not be a problem going forward.”

Seeking to remind the nation of it’s commitment to a menu capable of bringing Jamie Oliver to tears, creating food items that contain ‘little to no actual food’. A press statement highlighted the the recent availability of the McRib – a re-constituted, pseudo rib patty – calling it the “most unnatural thing you’ll eat that isn’t bacon and cheese wrapped in two pieces of fried chicken.”

“And our chicken nugget are full of crap too. Let’s not forget that.”

OHIO – US clothing retailer Abercombie & Fitch has scrapped a new advertising billboard featuring a single non-white model, one week after its introduction following an “almighty backlash” online.  

The embarrassing u-turn came after decades of featuring exclusively fair-skinned, preppy male jock types in their stores advertising and clothes.

When A&F made to mistake of introducing colour into their marketing to boost sales and bring the brand forward to reflect a world made up of other races.

Diversity mix up

More than 2,000 comments flooded social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, attacking the use of an African-American model and forcing the chain to return of the traditional look of rich party going white kids and the loose women that seem to tag along.

“Woah woah…he’s black.  Am I seeing this right?  That guy is a black guy :-(” wrote one confused shopper.

“How can I tell what the clothes will look like on me if a black guy is wearing them???” said another A&F fan on the company’s Facebook page.

A&F president Egon Zehnder said the company realised how much people liked the old light-skinned, blond hair, blue eye look of every model they have previously used after they ran the ad featuring a dark-skinned, short hair, brown-eyed and ‘our customers just flipped out’.

“Frankly I don’t know what we were thinking either.  We only want what’s best for the brand and our all-white customer base.” he told Vanity Fair.

‘Insensitive to their demographic’

A&F customer were pleased to hear the company will never experiment with racial diversity again.  “Thanks for listening.  That was the first time I had interacted with people who look like that and it was not a pleasant experience,” said one fan on Twitter.

Mr Zehnder said:  “All the comments say over and over that they do not want to see anyone of colour in Abercrombie & Fitch clothing.  We’ve heard the message loud and clear.”

Advertising experts have agreed with the online outcry: “Any thoughts of Abercrombie & Fitch being even remotely associated with ethnicity in a customer facing capacity should have been squashed at inception.” said Saatchi & Saatchi Creative Director Richard Myers.  “It was such a departure from what we’re used to seeing from them, it was like an ad for the UN Assembly in comparison. ”

“I’m glad they came to their senses.  It’s time Abercrombie revisits the theory ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”