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North Korea: “We’ll Stop Making Nukes If You Stop Making Fast and Furious Sequels”

PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.

An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”

The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”

Enough is enough

Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests.  In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.

In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.

America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.

Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.

In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.

The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”

“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.

2 Fast 2 Spurious

Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea.  Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.

“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden.  “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”

However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.

“It’s not all bad.  At least we still have Transformers.”

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WWE Chairman Found Guilty of Match Fixing

CONNECTICUT – The world of professional wrestling entertainment has been stunned by news CEO Vince McMahon has been found guilty of pre-arranging the outcome of ‘thousands’ of matches dating back to the 1980’s.

The verdict comes after a sting operation uncovered a range of damning evidence ranging from pulled punches and fake blood.  Inside sources have also testified that getting hit with a chair “doesn’t hurt as much as we lead you to believe it does.”

Not a stranger to accusation of match-fixing, a court has now confirmed allegations that several WWE matches have been determined in advance by Mr McMahon and his affiliates.

Suspicions confirmed

McMahon initially denied the charges in 2010 saying: “I guaran-damn-tee this sport is clean!”

But after deliberating for nearly 17 hours, a jury unanimously determined that a sport in which middle-aged men physically compete with people half their age “probably ain’t legit”.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said wrestling fan Johnny Simpson, 38.  “If you told me yesterday it was all a sham I would have drop-kicked you right there.  I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”

Some superstars were in favour of the verdict however.  After the decision, The Rock excitedly announced: “FINALLY!  McMahon, has been brought…to justice.”

Many now believe the sport has suffered an ‘irreversible’ loss of credibility as serious doubt has now been cast over the validity of past results.  Mr MacMahon has been given the prospect of a lengthy spell in jail or telling millions of rabid fans their favourite sport was not real.

MacMahon is expected to choose jail.

‘Rampant corruption’

An anonymous source on record as assisting prosecution was said to be happy about the decision, but concerned that the scale of match-fixing in the sport meant that it could have come to late.

” This whole thing is rigged!” Blasted the veteran who claimed the verdict was “no surprise” since “I was in this game for years and had to take a fall almost every other week.”

He later added: “Woooooooooo!”

Following the verdict, judge Frank Conway issued a statement warning WWE athletes of future conduct.

In it, he said: “I hope that this verdict is a further warning to any individual who might, for whatever reason, seek to slam a steel chair into the forehead of another and not mean it.”

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