Tag Archive | "terrorist"

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Barack Obama Declares Local Dry Cleaner Enemy Combatant After Bad Service

WASHINGTON DC – Barack Obama has taken an unprecedented step in the War on Terror by declaring a local dry cleaner a terrorist organisation after losing multiple items of the president’s clothing.

Lucky Star Dry Cleaners have been placed on a Homeland Security watch list following a number of clothing related incidents, including the loss of three separate dress shirts and damage to several others according to Obama aides.

The incident has threatened to sour relations between the United States and South Korea, or heavily stain them at the least.

‘It was my good shirt’

President Obama made the announcement from the Oval Office on his return from his latest pick up which contained one of the damaged items in question.

Sources close to the president say the damage sustained to the suit he wore when announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden was the last straw and had left him with no choice but to place Mr and Mrs Yeung on the terror watch list.

Mr Obama stated that “effective immediately” Lucky Star Dry Cleaners would be classed as an enemy to the United States of America and should be “considered highly dangerous and overly priced for the quality of service they produce.”

However, the dry cleaner in question – now subject to the rules of war – hotly disputed the accusation, arguing that they have been in business “for ten year and never problem!”

Mrs Yeung has even insisted that the president picked up the items in question several weeks before without complaint.

The administration dismissed these suggestions as false, warning that continued lies would be met in turn with targeted drone attacks.

Diplomatic situation

Shortly after signing an executive order allowing the use of deadly force against the Yeungs,  Barack Obama urged the American people to “stay vigilant” when getting garments cleaned and avoid Lucky Star like the plague.

“Michelle and I have frequented Lucky Star for the past four years, so it is with a heavy heart that I must classify this rogue organisation as antithetical to the American values of liberty, justice, and the pursuit of thoroughly cleaned attire at an affordable price.”

He also confirmed he was now on the lookout for a new dry cleaner in the area and would be consulting his yelp.com profile to determine his next move.

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Al-Qaeda: US Must Better Protect Its Freedoms Before More Attacks

AFGHANISTAN – In a newly released video message, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri launched a scathing attack against the U.S. for introducing legislation that “will make our job of terrorizing American citizens redundant”.

The message, issued on Islamist websites late on Thursday, features Zawahiri rallying against the National Defense Authorization Act which would “destroy at least five or six civil liberties we had our eye on attack next year.”

Homeland Security have confirmed the authenticity of the recording.

‘What is the point?’

According to the terrorist mastermind, a bill that allows American citizens to be detained indefinitely, interrogated and assassinated makes it pointless to consider the United States a target for future terror attacks.

“I tell our brothers united in Jihad against the West that we need to take hostages and hold them in secret cells, but America already plan to do this,” cried Zawihiri.

“So I tell my brothers we should instead begin leading strikes against innocents in the country of the infidels, but America want to do this too!”

On the tape, the  al-Qaeda leader became increasingly agitated as he demanded the U.S. government halt the erosion of its freedoms that would result in as any as a dozen sleepers cells being made redundant due to a lack of opportunities.

Zawihiri said the United States needed to do “much much” more to protect its freedoms if al-Qaeda are to continue targeting the country, and went as far as suggesting the organisation may consider moving its operations to a country less terrorized by its own elected leaders.

Must do more

Towards the end of the 38 minute rant, Zawihiri showed deep concern that American would now have to go a long way to ensuring the integrity of its constitutional liberties before any of their planned atrocities would be noticed.

“Now if we go and start assassinating innocent people no one would believe it was our idea,” blasted a frustrated Zawihri.

Looking defeated, he announced that while al-Qaeda is “fully prepared” to continue Jihad again the freedoms of the West, “if these freedom no longer exist then what am I recruiting you all for, huh?”

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Jury Sentences Carlos The Jackal To Life In NHS Nursing Home

FRANCE – A local court has convicted the international terrorist known as Carlos the Jackal and sentenced him to life in an NHS operated nursing home without parole.

The Venezuelan-born criminal, whose real name is Ilich Ramirez Sanchez had expected to receive a softer sentencing option of life in regular prison.

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9/11 Anniversary: French Raise Alert Level To ‘Surrender’

PARIS – In the run up to the 10th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, France has quickly moved to raise their alert level to its highest position: ‘Surrender’.

The anniversary has brought to light a number of credible plots from extremist organisations including al-Qaeda, prompting the French government to raise the nation’s response level to one not seen since World War 2.

Speaking on national television, a shaken French president Nicolas Sarkozy said the decision to pre-emptively concede was necessary to ensure “we submit to whatever threat we are faced with at the earliest possible convenience

Sacré bleu!

Mr Sarkozy insisted the move up from the previous level of ‘Hide’ had not been taken lightly.”

“We stand on the eve of a very special occasion,” and one that “could see enemies of France plot to launch attacks to threaten our way of life and dampen our collective spirits.”

“To those that would seek to harm or threaten us in any way, we have only one thing to say: We give up.  Take what you want.  Merci Beacoup.”

Interior Minister Claude Guéant said critical government departments were already running through security drills in preparation for any hint of even the slightest threat.

He did not elaborate on the additional security measures taken, but did move to reassure the French people that should the unthinkable happen, “this country can be in the hands of the enemy in well under 24 hours.”

Mr Guéant continued: “We’re being pro-active to ensure that we are able to surrender ourselves as soon as is logistically practical.”

Besides the home address, the interior also issued a travel warning to citizens abroad over the weekend: “Should you find yourself under threat, please lay down your arms and let the aggressors do as they will.”

‘Everyone is on edge’

The warning is one of many being issued across Europe as leaders prepare themselves for the possibility of attack from extremists planning attacks to coincide with the 9/11 anniversary.

Reports from Germany indicate the government has received specific intel on several threats, and are discussing plans to raise their alert level to “Humorless arrogance.”

Elsewhere, authorities in Britain have already taken steps to raise the nation’s alert level to “Moan and tut”.

This is one off the highest level of “Phone and complain” but Prime minister David Cameron said there had not yet been sufficient evidence to warrant such drastic action.

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US Punishes ‘Naughty’ Pakistan, Cuts off Allowance Money

WASHINGTON -The United States have confirmed reports that it is to cut off Pakistan’s $800 million allowance ‘right this minute’, warning that it would also be grounded for up to a month for ‘bad behaviour’.

The tough stance came after Pakistan reportedly ignored a series of public warnings to obey the ground rules which included taking out the trash, eating it’s vegetables and stop aiding and abetting known terrorist organisations.

White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley told reporters: “We said in no uncertain terms that they could not see al-Qaeda anymore and then we find out they’ve been hiding Osama bin Laden in their room for God knows how long!”

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New al-Qaeda Leader Starts Small, Stages Attack On US Mailbox

WASHINGTON DC – New al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has reportedly claimed responsibility for a ‘devastating’ attack on a US mailbox.

In the first successful terrorist attack on US soil since 2001, the Washington mailbox is said to have had as much as 20 pounds of ‘unidentified’ feces deposited into it in the early hours of Thursday morning.

The damage was discovered during a routine collection by USPS employee Dave Phelan, still shaken from his ordeal.  “I reached in to get the mail like I always do and felt…oh God, I can’t even stand to think about it.  Turn the mic off, please.”

‘It’s ruined’

A video featuring a buoyant al-Zawahiri was posted on Jihadi websites shortly after the attack and claimed responsibility for what is being described as a “marginal disruption to a small section of the nation’s mail delivery service.”

“We did this,”  began the al-Qaeda number one.  “Your mail is covered in doo doo because of our brothers in Jihad.  Osama [bin Laden] may be dead – God rest his soul, but we have the means and the fibre to continue striking your homeland.”

The ramifications of al-Zawahiri words remain fresh in the minds of the nations top security personnel.

“Make no mistake, this was a well planned and executed attack on US soil that has left large sections of mail undeliverable,” admitted Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, describing the attack as “just plain nasty.”

Prehaps most damning, was the fact the attack occurred only 37 miles from the White House, the implications of which were not lost on CIA director Leon Panetta.

“What if this has been the President’s mail covered in doo doo?!  We’re looking at a steaming pile of extremism and it doesn’t look good.  It doesn’t look good or smell good at all.”

Further attacks

Security was immediately raised around all US mailboxes – a clear sign of the wariness gripping the country following such a pungent attack.

Terror analysts believe this act could be “just the start” of a string of minor felonies perpetrated by a rejuvenated al-Qaeda.

“This shows that they are not done by any stretch of the imagination.  We’re still venerable to this kind of attack and they know it,”  said Panetta.

“I mean, It’s going to take ages to clean that doo doo out of the mailbox.”

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Winklevoss Twins Sue White House Over “Our Idea To Kill Bin Laden”

NEW YORK – In a surprising development, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are set to launch legal proceedings against Barack Obama, accusing him of stealing their idea to kill Osama Bin Laden.

The identical twins say that after the 9/11 attacks, they discussed their intentions to ‘seriously get that guy’ and came up with a plan that involved locating and shooting the terrorist leader in the face.

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Osama Bin Laden Releases New Video in 3D

IMAX – In an unexpected theatrical release, al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has issued a new video in 3D, simultaneously threatening the west and wowing with impressive visuals.

The terrorist mastermind warns the West that continued occupation in Afghanistan will have dire consequences for America and their allies unless they pull out of the country, all while appearing to jump out from the screen right at you.

“To our brothers in Afghanistan, you must rise up against western occupation, striking back at infidels wherever they should be found” were the ominous words from Bin Laden while repeatedly poking his AK47 at at the screen.

‘Totally worth it’

The tape contains numerous instances of objects flying out of the screen including Bin Laden’s hate for western civilisation.  A U.S. counter terrorism official, Mike Jones, confessed to ML News that it “did make me jump in a few places.”

Mr Jones advised it not be viewed by those who suffer from motion sickness, blurred vision or a negative reaction to anti-American rhetoric.  Other reactions have been mixed however, with security analysts unsure for the need to deliver a fear based narrative in three dimensions.

“I do think he’s gone too far this time,” admitted FBI Director Robert Mueller.  “The vitriol would have been just as fierce in 2D, so I don’t see the point.  It certainly wasn’t as good as Avatar….plus he charged us and extra dollar for these damned glasses.”

In the tape, Bin Laden explained that the high price is due to the need to offset the high costs involved in producing America-bashing media in 3D from the undisclosed cavernous regions in the borderlands between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Jumping on the bandwagon

For the majority of viewers however, the release is a step forward in the field of extremist propaganda, leaving many anticipating more messages of hate in the new format.

One such security consultant was raving: “It was awesome!  The part where he called for untold misery and destruction to be brought down against our loved ones unless we stopped our imperialist conquest of the Middle East is totally more immersive in 3D.”

Although skeptical, Mr Mueller did feel  that 3D terror messages will be a major trend in about five years.

“He’s raised the bar for sure.  People will expect a lot more from Jihadist groups and anyone looking to cause mass destruction on a grand scale.”

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Where’s Wally Bin Laden Edition ‘Too Hard’

ENGLAND – A new edition of the famous Where’s Wally series featuring Osama Bin Laden has been slammed for being ‘way too difficult’.

Dubbed the most challenging in the series’ 23 year history, the new edition features the terrorist mastermind in a range of double-page spread illustrations depicting suspected al-Qaeda operatives doing a variety of terrorist activities.

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Wile E Coyote Held On Terror Charges

ENGLAND – Wile E Coyote has been held on suspected terror charges after an explosive device was intercepted by security officials on a flight bound for the US.

An international investigation is now taking place over what is being classified as a failed attempt to launch an attack on US soil for the purposes of terror.  The coyote, now believed to have links to al-Qaeda, was detained at the scene.

Protesting his innocence by holding up a sign reading: “This isn’t what it looks like,”  Wile E Coyote was dragged kicking and silently screaming by TSA staff who confirmed they would hand him over to government agents for further interrogation.

Terror charges

Mr Coyote was also seen holding another sign reading “Help!” as he was taken to airport holding cells.

“I’m just glad we stopped this before this maniac could do any real damage.” said TSA chief Chett Evans.

The explosive device was found strapped to a pair of roller skates, thought to be an attempt to masquerade them as harmless rocket powered footwear.  The package also contained ‘enough bird seed to feed an army of birds’, though it remains unclear what link this has to the terror plot.

Reports suggested the devices bore all the hallmarks of al-Qaeda: an apparent reference to the group’s love of Saturday morning cartoons.

Unusual suspect

A spokesman for Acme Corporation, who manufacture the rocket which was ‘seconds’ away from detonation, rejected accusations of poor manufacturing leading to a potential explosion, instead accepting that Wile E Coyote has indeed been recruited by an Islamic terrorist organisation.

Security officials believe the scare was a dry run for a bigger plot, but have so far failed to extract any information from the coyote who has remained silent. “He’s just making things more difficult for himself,” said Evans.  “Once the Feds get here they’ll get him talking…one way or the other.”

Evans also confirmed that extra security checks would be implemented for cartoon characters – or anyone travelling with cartoon characters – as airport security looks certain to tighten once again.

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