WASHINGTON DC – Barack Obama has taken an unprecedented step in the War on Terror by declaring a local dry cleaner a terrorist organisation after losing multiple items of the president’s clothing.

Lucky Star Dry Cleaners have been placed on a Homeland Security watch list following a number of clothing related incidents, including the loss of three separate dress shirts and damage to several others according to Obama aides.

The incident has threatened to sour relations between the United States and South Korea.

‘It was my good shirt’

President Obama made the announcement from the Oval Office on his return from his latest pick up which contained one of the damaged items in question.

Sources close to the president say the damage sustained to the suit he wore when announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden was the last straw and had left him with no choice but to place Mr and Mrs Yeung on the terror watch list.

Mr Obama stated that “effective immediately” Lucky Star Dry Cleaners would classed as an enemy to the United States of America and this office and should be “considered highly dangerous and overly priced for the quality of work they produce.”

However, the dry cleaner in question – now an enemy combatant and subject to the rules of war – dispute the accusation and  argue that they have been in business “for ten year and never problem!”

Mrs Yeung even insisted that the president picked up the supposed lost items in question several weeks before.

The administration dismissed these suggestions as false, warning that continued lies would be met in turn with targeted drone attacks.

Diplomatic situation

Shortly after signing an executive order allowing the use of deadly force against the Yeungs,  Barack Obama urged the American people to “remain vigilant” when getting clothes cleaned and avoid Lucky Star like the plague.

“Myself and Michelle have frequented Lucky Star for the past four years, but it is with a heavy heart that I must classify this rogue organisation as antithetical to the American values of liberty, justice, and the pursuit of thoroughly cleaned attire at an affordable price.”

He also confirmed he was now on the lookout for a new dry cleaner in the area and would be consulting yelp.com to determine out his next move.

AFGHANISTAN – In a newly released video message, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri launched a scathing attack against the U.S. for introducing legislation that “will make our job of terrorizing American citizens redundant”.

The message, issued on Islamist websites late on Thursday, features Zawahiri rallying against the National Defense Authorization Act which would “destroy at least five or six civil liberties we had our eye on attack next year.”

Homeland Security have confirmed the authenticity of the recording.

‘What is the point?’

According to the terrorist mastermind, a bill that allows American citizens to be detained indefinitely, interrogated and assassinated makes it pointless to consider the United States a target for future terror attacks.

“I tell our brothers united in Jihad against the West that we need to take hostages and hold them in secret cells, but America already plan to do this,” cried Zawihiri.

“So I tell my brothers we should instead begin leading strikes against innocents in the country of the infidels, but America want to do this too!”

On the tape, the  al-Qaeda leader became increasingly agitated as he demanded the U.S. government halt the erosion of its freedoms that would result in as any as a dozen sleepers cells being made redundant due to a lack of opportunities.

Zawihiri said the United States needed to do “much much” more to protect its freedoms if al-Qaeda are to continue targeting the country, and went as far as suggesting the organisation may consider moving its operations to a country less terrorized by its own elected leaders.

Must do more

Towards the end of the 38 minute rant, Zawihiri showed deep concern that American would now have to go a long way to ensuring the integrity of its constitutional liberties before any of their planned atrocities would be noticed.

“Now if we go and start assassinating innocent people no one would believe it was our idea,” blasted a frustrated Zawihri.

Looking defeated, he announced that while al-Qaeda is “fully prepared” to continue Jihad again the freedoms of the West, “if these freedom no longer exist then what am I recruiting you all for, huh?”

FRANCE – A local court has convicted the international terrorist known as Carlos the Jackal and sentenced him to life in an NHS operated nursing home without parole.

The Venezuelan-born criminal, whose real name is Ilich Ramirez Sanchez had expected to receive a softer sentencing option of life imprisonment.

To the surprise of many in the courtroom, a jury went for the maximum punishment, condemning the 62-year-old to spend his golden years alone in a tiny room and made to pay £600.00 (€715) per week “without any hope of ever getting out.”

Tough sentencing

Influencing the outcome was the consideration that spending life in a place where bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing ironed did not match the crimes committed during several deadly attacks in the 1980s.

Addressing the court room, the serving judge explained: “It is in this courts opinion life in prison is too lean a sentence and Mr Sanchez can now look forward to a life of being left to soak in his own urine while contemplating the atrocities he has brought on the people of France.”

Prosecutor Olivier Bray was delighted with the ruling: “The operational and clinical failures of these NHS run facilities will see that he receives ample punishment for his crimes, and then some.”

Mr Sanchez appeared defiant as the judge announced the new sentence, but is said to be “bricking it” and has since pleaded for clemency, requesting his sentence be commuted to the death penalty.

‘The system works’

His lawyer, Isabelle Coutant-Peyre, described the verdict as a ‘scandal’ and confirmed she would appeal, adding that it was ‘inhuman’ for her client to suffer “this level of indignity and neglect regardless of the crimes committed.”

“Our client is all too aware of the deplorable conditions in many of these care homes and is adamant he not spend even a day of his life in such an awful place.”

Alain Poupaux, who was injured in one of the attacks, said he was “relieved” at the sentence and praised the Judge for taking an ultra hard line on terrorism.

“At first I was a confused by this verdict.  Prison is, how you say, ‘the worst’, no?”

“But I watched a documentary on NHS care homes and I am now satisfied this Jackal will finally get what he deserves.  This is justice, oui!”

PARIS – In the run up to the 10th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, France has quickly moved to raise their alert level to its highest position: ‘Surrender’.

The anniversary has brought to light a number of credible plots from extremist organisations including al-Qaeda, prompting the French government to raise the nation’s response level to one not seen since World War 2.

Speaking on national television, a shaken French president Nicolas Sarkozy said the decision to pre-emptively concede was necessary to ensure “we submit to whatever threat we are faced with at the earliest possible convenience

Sacré bleu!

Mr Sarkozy insisted the move up from the previous level of ‘Hide’ had not been taken lightly.”

“We stand on the eve of a very special occasion,” and one that “could see enemies of France plot to launch attacks to threaten our way of life and dampen our collective spirits.”

“To those that would seek to harm or threaten us in any way, we have only one thing to say: We give up.  Take what you want.  Merci Beacoup.”

Interior Minister Claude Guéant said critical government departments were already running through security drills in preparation for any hint of even the slightest threat.

He did not elaborate on the additional security measures taken, but did move to reassure the French people that should the unthinkable happen, “this country can be in the hands of the enemy in well under 24 hours.”

Mr Guéant continued: “We’re being pro-active to ensure that we are able to surrender ourselves as soon as is logistically practical.”

Besides the home address, the interior also issued a travel warning to citizens abroad over the weekend: “Should you find yourself under threat, please lay down your arms and let the aggressors do as they will.”

‘Everyone is on edge’

The warning is one of many being issued across Europe as leaders prepare themselves for the possibility of attack from extremists planning attacks to coincide with the 9/11 anniversary.

Reports from Germany indicate the government has received specific intel on several threats, and are discussing plans to raise their alert level to “Humorless arrogance.”

Elsewhere, authorities in Britain have already taken steps to raise the nation’s alert level to “Moan and tut”.

This is one off the highest level of “Phone and complain” but Prime minister David Cameron said there had not yet been sufficient evidence to warrant such drastic action.

WASHINGTON -The United States have confirmed reports that it is to cut off Pakistan’s $800 million allowance ‘right this minute’, warning that it would also be grounded for up to a month for ‘bad behaviour’.

The tough stance came after Pakistan reportedly ignored a series of public warnings to obey the ground rules which included taking out the trash, eating it’s vegetables and stop aiding and abetting known terrorist organisations.

White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley told reporters: “We said in no uncertain terms that they could not see al-Qaeda anymore and then we find out they’ve been hiding Osama bin Laden in their room for God knows how long!”

Read the full story

WASHINGTON DC – New al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has reportedly claimed responsibility for a ‘devastating’ attack on a US mailbox.

In the first successful terrorist attack on US soil since 2001, the Washington mailbox is said to have had as much as 20 pounds of ‘unidentified’ feces deposited into it in the early hours of Thursday morning.

The damage was discovered during a routine collection by USPS employee Dave Phelan, still shaken from his ordeal.  “I reached in to get the mail like I always do and felt…oh God, I can’t even stand to think about it.  Turn the mic off, please.”

‘It’s ruined’

A video featuring a buoyant al-Zawahiri was posted on Jihadi websites shortly after the attack and claimed responsibility for what is being described as a “marginal disruption to a small section of the nation’s mail delivery service.”

“We did this,”  began the al-Qaeda number one.  “Your mail is covered in doo doo because of our brothers in Jihad.  Osama [bin Laden] may be dead – God rest his soul, but we have the means and the fibre to continue striking your homeland.”

The ramifications of al-Zawahiri words remain fresh in the minds of the nations top security personnel.

“Make no mistake, this was a well planned and executed attack on US soil that has left large sections of mail undeliverable,” admitted Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, describing the attack as “just plain nasty.”

Prehaps most damning, was the fact the attack occurred only 37 miles from the White House, the implications of which were not lost on CIA director Leon Panetta.

“What if this has been the President’s mail covered in doo doo?!  We’re looking at a steaming pile of extremism and it doesn’t look good.  It doesn’t look good or smell good at all.”

Further attacks

Security was immediately raised around all US mailboxes – a clear sign of the wariness gripping the country following such a pungent attack.

Terror analysts believe this act could be “just the start” of a string of minor felonies perpetrated by a rejuvenated al-Qaeda.

“This shows that they are not done by any stretch of the imagination.  We’re still venerable to this kind of attack and they know it,”  said Panetta.

“I mean, It’s going to take ages to clean that doo doo out of the mailbox.”

NEW YORK – In a surprising development, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are set to launch legal proceedings against Barack Obama, accusing him of stealing their idea to kill Osama Bin Laden.

The identical twins say that after the 9/11 attacks, they discussed their intentions to ‘seriously get that guy’ and came up with a plan that involved locating and shooting the terrorist leader in the face.

“It must have been around September 12th when my brother and I came up with the original idea to kill Bin Laden,” said Tyler or Cameron Winklevoss.

‘The facts don’t lie’

The plaintiffs allege that Barack Obama must have heard them discuss their plans as there was no way he could have got the idea from anywhere else.

He added: “They way they took out Osama is just like we planned to do if we had the resources, training and strategic competence to execute a large scale military operation.”

His twin brother Cameron or Tyler Winklevoss agreed: “We were very disappointed to see President Obama take credit for our idea and not even mention us.  We haven’t heard from him yet and I doubt we will.”

The brothers are seeking $65 million settlement for each shot fired at Bin Laden and will now look for a resolution in court.

A White House spokesman rejected claims they stole the idea as ‘ridiculous’, insisting they thought of the plan on their own.

This is being hotly disputed by the brothers, adamant they had already put in the ground work by locating Pakistan on a map and imagining what it would be like to be the guys that killed Osama Bin Laden.

“So he basically did what you call a brain drain and kind of took off with it under our noses.”

‘We have a strong case’

The suit calls the president a fraud for “taking our totally unique idea to find and kill the most hated man in America with a firearm and not give us our due credit for his death.”

Despite the large settlement, the pair were quick to clarify “it’s not about the money,” adding that “what we really want is for Barack to come out and admit he took our idea.  It’s about what is right.”

Elsewhere, former president George W Bush is said to be considering his own legal action, suggesting he is due financial compensation as he would have ‘certainly’ found Osama Bin Laden himself if he continued to invade more countries.

IMAX – In an unexpected theatrical release, al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has issued a new video in 3D, simultaneously threatening the west and wowing with impressive visuals.

The terrorist mastermind warns the West that continued occupation in Afghanistan will have dire consequences for America and their allies unless they pull out of the country, all while appearing to jump out from the screen right at you.

“To our brothers in Afghanistan, you must rise up against western occupation, striking back at infidels wherever they should be found” were the ominous words from Bin Laden while repeatedly poking his AK47 at at the screen.

‘Totally worth it’

The tape contains numerous instances of objects flying out of the screen including Bin Laden’s hate for western civilisation.  A U.S. counter terrorism official, Mike Jones, confessed to ML News that it “did make me jump in a few places.”

Mr Jones advised it not be viewed by those who suffer from motion sickness, blurred vision or a negative reaction to anti-American rhetoric.  Other reactions have been mixed however, with security analysts unsure for the need to deliver a fear based narrative in three dimensions.

“I do think he’s gone too far this time,” admitted FBI Director Robert Mueller.  “The vitriol would have been just as fierce in 2D, so I don’t see the point.  It certainly wasn’t as good as Avatar….plus he charged us and extra dollar for these damned glasses.”

In the tape, Bin Laden explained that the high price is due to the need to offset the high costs involved in producing America-bashing media in 3D from the undisclosed cavernous regions in the borderlands between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Jumping on the bandwagon

For the majority of viewers however, the release is a step forward in the field of extremist propaganda, leaving many anticipating more messages of hate in the new format.

One such security consultant was raving: “It was awesome!  The part where he called for untold misery and destruction to be brought down against our loved ones unless we stopped our imperialist conquest of the Middle East is totally more immersive in 3D.”

Although skeptical, Mr Mueller did feel  that 3D terror messages will be a major trend in about five years.

“He’s raised the bar for sure.  People will expect a lot more from Jihadist groups and anyone looking to cause mass destruction on a grand scale.”

ENGLAND – A new version of the famous Where’s Wally series featuring Osama Bin Laden has been slammed for being ‘way too difficult’. Dubbed the most challenging in the series’ 23 year history, the new edition features the terrorist mastermind in a range of double-page spread illustrations depicting suspected al-Qaeda operatives doing a variety of terrorist activities. Readers are challenged to find the character no one has been able to track down this side of 9/11.

Bin Laden’s distinctive white turban, beard, and disdain for western foreign policy would be easier to recognise, but many illustrations contain ‘red herrings’ involving deceptive use of other bearded Muslims who may or may not have links to al-Qaeda.

‘A real doozy’

Parents have complained as no child has been able to complete the puzzle that many believe should only have taken a few minutes to solve.

Former president George Bush, who reportedly ‘flew through’ both Blue’s Clues and Spongebob Look and Find puzzles books, has enlisted intelligence agents to aid with what he called the biggest threat to puzzle solving since he lost a jigsaw piece somewhere in the White House. “There’s nothing here but caves and sand. He shouldn’t be this difficult to find!”

“This is God damn fix. I paid $11.99 [plus shipping and handling] for this?!”

President Barack Obama added to the backlash over difficultly, revealing how his own children were struggling with the title and confirming the provision of additional resources in the form of a magnifying glass to help them find the illusive character. This was despite reports both Malia and Sacha were bored with the book and wanted to play with other toys.

‘Could take decades to complete’

Indeed, the fact that it remains unsolved has lead to questions over whether bin Laden was even drawn at all, a claim dismissed as ‘ ridiculous conspiracy’ by the book’s publishers.

“These books are supposed to be aimed at kids,” reasoned Catherine Reynolds, mother of two. “If US intelligence can’t solve it, what chance do my children have?”

The book’s publisher have so far resisted calls to pull Where’s Bin Laden from shelves, or at least from the children’s section, merely advising readers to look ‘really really hard’ for him, perhaps between the mountainous areas between page six and the book spine.

But this was no solace for Mrs Reynolds, who told reporters that she would be returning the book in the morning in exchange for Buzz Lightyear action figures.

ENGLAND – In a stunning sequence of events, Wile E Coyote has been held on suspected terror charges after an explosive device was intercepted by security officials on a flight bound for the US.

An international investigation is now taking place over what is currently being classified as a failed attempt to launch an attack on US soil for the purposes of terror.  The coyote, now believed to have links to al-Qaeda, was detained at the scene.

Protesting his innocence by holding up a sign reading: “This isn’t what it looks like,”  Wile E Coyote was dragged kicking and silently screaming by TSA staff who confirmed they would hand him over to government agents for further interrogation.

Terror charges

Mr Coyote was also seen holding another sign reading “Help!” as he was taken to airport holding cells.

“I’m just glad we stopped this before this maniac could do any real damage.” said TSA chief Chett Evans.

The explosive device was found strapped to a pair of roller skates, thought to be an attempt to masquerade them as harmless rocket powered footwear.  The package also contained ‘enough bird seed to feed an army of birds’, though it remains unclear what link this has to the terror plot.

Reports suggested the devices bore all the hallmarks of al-Qaeda: an apparent reference to the group’s love of Saturday morning cartoons.

Unusual suspect

A spokesman for Acme Corporation, who manufacture the rocket which was ‘seconds’ away from detonation, rejected accusations of poor manufacturing leading to a potential explosion, instead accepting that Wile E Coyote has indeed been recruited by an Islamic terrorist organisation.

Security officials believe the scare was a dry run for a bigger plot, but have so far failed to extract any information from the coyote who has remained silent. “He’s just making things more difficult for himself,” said Evans.  “Once the Feds get here they’ll get him talking…one way or the other.”

Evans also confirmed that extra security checks would be implemented for cartoon characters – or anyone travelling with cartoon characters – as airport security looks certain to tighten once again.