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Japan PM Quits After Losing 12 Consecutive Street Fighter Matches


TOKYO – Japan has been left reeling following news Prime Minster Yoshihiko Noda has quit after an embarrassing run of consecutive defeats in Street Fighter 4.

Mr Noda’s efforts in the popular arcade fighting game were widely accepted as shambolic and immediately lead to calls from opposition leaders to resign.

Calling his performance “a disgrace”, the head of Japan’s Democratic Party apologised several times and stepped down from his position after only 36 days as Prime Minister.

His opponent, local teenager Kazaki Sato, also criticised the Prime Minister’s over reliance on basic punch and kick moves in a session that saw Mr Noda suffer the humiliation of four perfect rounds.

Unacceptable

The 54-year-old described the moment he was hit with Ryu’s Ultra Combo Metsu Shoryuken for the fifth time as the “worse of my political career.”

Opposition Liberal Democratic Party spokesman Yuriko Koike condemned Japan’s leader for “bringing dishonour to his station by sticking with M.Bison for so long.”

He continued: “He could not pull off a single combo.  It was how America say, ah ‘ass-whooping’.”

Although not in attendance, the Emperor of Japan agreed the Prime Minister’s showing at the Shibuya arcade and Pachinko parlour was “unacceptable for a man of such high office.”

“I have heard the reports.  He was all over the place and has shamed us all,” criticised Emperor Akihito, who said he now regretted his appointment of the Prime Minster.

The scandal is considered the biggest embarrassment surrounding a Prime Minster since 1989 when Sosuke Uno suffered ten straight defeats in Punch Out!!

Prehaps unsurprisingly, Mr Noda admitted he was unsure how to do a Dragon Punch when quizzed after his defeat – an admission that has left many to question how he made it to one of Japan’s highest ranking positions in the first place.

‘A child could have done better’

Although troubled by the loss of another leader in government after such a short time, citizens were left with no choice but to agree after learning of the dismal streak.

“Government is no place for those with no skill in Street Fighter,” said Internal Affairs Minister Tatsuo Kawabata.  “If this was Dead or Alive we could forgive him, but no.  No, he had to go.”

In a bid for political continuity, the Democratic Party announced it would immediately hold a Street Fighter 4 tournament to decide Mr Noda’s replacement.

Emperor Akihito declared it to be “the only way we will avoid making this tragic mistake again.”

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Steven Seagal Offended To Not Be Slated By Ricky Gervais


HOLLYWOOD – Straight to video specialist actor Steven Seagal has reportedly been left furious at being overlooked for ridicule in Golden Globe host Ricky Gervais’ opening monologue.  The British Comedian shocked the assembled Hollywood audience to silence Sunday when he launched into what many agree was an mean-spirited, vulgar and unerringly accurate attack on the failures of the stars named.

Left out of the list was Mr Seagal, who is said to be ‘deeply offended’ not to be publicly credited for a string of woeful attempts to appear credible as an actor.

“Yeah I heard Rick’s (sic) opening act…I didn’t hear him say my name though.  What’s up with that?”

Disrespectful

With efforts such as Executive Decision, Urban Justice and Half Past Dead under his belt, Seagal is perhaps understandably upset at the host for not taking the time to acknowledge his failures as an actor.

“I see [Johnny] Depp got a mention.  The guy makes one bad film and he gets slated for it.  I’ve been making crap for decades and nothing.  Do I have to make another Under Siege?  Huh?  Because I will…It’s not like I have to prepare or anything.  I can have that sequel wrapped up and straight to DVD in a month.”

Steven Seagal is just one of the many Hollywood flops angered at being overlooked for ridicule.  It’s felt that a mention would have been the closest he would ever get to being recognised for his work by his peers. An opportunity that now looks to have passed.

‘Did Pistol Whipped mean nothing?’

“I was in Street Fighter for God sake!” blasted Jean Claude Van Damme, “and Ricky didn’t say a damn thing about me.  It might have been 17 years ago, but it’s still a piece of sh*t today…I don’t get credit for that?!””

Seagal later added:  “If you think Charlie Sheen is a train wreck then you obvious ain’t seen my movies Ricky.”

Despite making ill feeling towards Gervais, threatening to force the Brit to act alongside him in a remake of Kill Switch, Seagal said he would not let the oversight distract him from making trash and hoped that his latest project would be completed in time to be slammed by the host of the 2011 Oscars ceremony.

“It’s going to have big guns, bigger explosions and me as an ex-cop kicking around racial stereotypes half my age for some reason! POW!”

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Pacman Diagnosed With Diabetes


Legendary video game figure Pacman has been diagnosed with diabetes as a direct result of a lifestyle fueled by ‘excessive eating habits’.  The yellow circle is a 30 year veteran of the gaming industry famous for his ability to eat for hours on end without pause for breathe or even a drink to help digestion.

The news has rocked the gaming world and has become the biggest tragedy since Sonic developed rickets, a fact he is yet to come to terms with.

Reality check

Another victim of celebrity over indulgence, a life of non-stop excess appears to have caught up with Pacman after doctors diagnosed him with advanced stages of the type 2 variant of the disease, also labelling him clinically obese for a number of years.  He had been previously warned over his lifestyle back when he was just 2cm in diameter but has now ballooned to over 10cm having been rushed to hospital after collapsing on a trail run of a new maze in an upcoming Pacman game.

“This is not rocket science.  If you eat your weight in sugary treats there will be repercussion,” said Dr Elin Steiner who has treated a number of video game characters in the past, including Mario after multiple karting accidents, and Frogger when he was hit by an oncoming vehicle. “These people think they are indestructible.  Life just doesn’t work like that I’m afraid.”

Dr Steiner and her team have prescribed a glucose controlled diet in addition to more exercise than ‘just strolling around a maze all day’.

Game over?

Pacman himself said he had no regrets over his lifestyle and would “do it all over again if someone inserted another coin”.  This despite a career which could lead to kidney failure or heart attack, if he had either of those organs.

Medical experts are even advising Pacman to retire from his day job which could cost him his life, as a return to uncontrollable eating would mean ‘certain death’ for him.

While such a scenario would be a boost to the ghosts that roam the mazes, many video game characters have called on the beloved circle to call time on what many agree has been a illustrious career.  “No one wants to see him go out like this,” said Ryu from Street Fighter. “He just needs to take care of himself right now.  Him, Mrs Pacman and those little Pac-babies…or are those yellow M&Ms?”

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