Tag Archive | "shaquille o neal"

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Man Who Played Barack Obama in 08 ‘Angered’ By Midterm Loss

CALIFORNIA – The man who played Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election has revealed his ‘deep anger’ over Barack Obama’s failure to capitalise on the momentum he created two years ago.

Speaking after a devastating midterm loss which saw the Democratic Party lose control of the House on Tuesday, Jerry Williams, a professional Barack Obama stunt double said it was hard watching all the good work he had done ‘pissed away’ by two years of limp governance.

“When they called me in to do this job, I thought they were serious about running the country,” recalls Williams. “To see them drop the ball like this…It just breaks my heart.”

The California native was roundly praised for his amazing work capturing the hearts of minds of an entire country with blazing rhetoric driven by a sense of hope, audacity and promise of change for the future, rallying frenzied support that saw a historic victory for the Democrat party.

He became the only African-American to be elected President of the United States who did not actually go on to become president, instead handing over control of the executive branch to Mr Obama for what Jerry Williams felt should have been a ‘slam dunk’.

“I served the country to him on a plate!” cried an increasingly agitated Williams who has found it increasingly difficult to get work.  “Kobe to Shaq alley-oop.  That was the game plan….Stick to the game plan Barack!”

‘He’s making me look bad’

Speaking at a press gathering, President Obama acknowledged Williams’ claims of dropping the ball, believing that the lookalike’s performance in  making the baseless promises needed to get voters eating out of his hands was proving a tough act to follow.

With thoughts now turning to 2012 election, Democrats have are internally considering hiring Williams a second time to rescue them from their current predicament.  A Robert Gibbs lookalike close to the out of work impersonator said he would be interested ‘only if the price was right’.

Should Obama’s stock fall any further, Mr Williams says he may be forced to have reconstructive surgery to reignite his career as a lookalike for a more popular African-American figure.

“It’s drastic I know, but I just don’t see any other way.  At the rate he’s going, I won’t be able to put food on the table for Anabelle [Michelle Obama lookalike] and the kids…I could do a great Denzel.  People still like him.”

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LeBron James Decides To Sign AT&T Contract

MIAMI, FL – LeBron James has ended months of intense speculation by signing a ‘lucrative’ contract with telecoms company AT&T for cable, internet and phone services.  His decision ends the biggest drama in ISP switching history since the Verizon guy came five and a half hours late to install Shaquille O’Neal’s new system.  James makes the move from former provider Dish Network in a deal that could see him save as much as $8 (£5.2) a month over five years.

The 25 year old has been a Dish customer for seven years ever since living out of his parent’s house, but became a free agent in July and on the look out for well priced broadband deals.  His mail box has been bombarded with contract offers from the likes of Versizon, Comcast and Time Warner worth at least $5 monthly savings – plus unlimited data allowances on his mobile.

“Fast internet speeds is a huge thing for me,” James said in explaining his decision. “I want to be able to download movies instantly and I think I can do that with AT&T.”

James said he had made up his mind after discussing the move with his mother.

Dish had been hopeful of keeping their Most Valuable Customer, but hopes where dashed after James privately admitted he was looking for a deal that included cable TV.  “LeBron is one of the greatest customers we’ve ever had” said a spokesman for Dish Network.  “He always paid his bill on time and never complained when we had outages.  We would love to have kept him on for another year at least but I respect his decision.”

Fellow free agents Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh also signed up to similar services as talk now turns to whether the AT&T network can handle such heavy bandwidth users on their network.

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