Tag Archive | "scandal"

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Barack Obama Appoints Lindsay Lohan As Scandal Czar


WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.

As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.

The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.

New role

Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.

The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.

Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”

“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”

It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.

Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.

‘Much needed expertise’

Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”

Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.

“Let me be clear,”  Obama began.  “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career.  Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”

The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.

The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.

Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”

“Boy I miss those days.”

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Traces of Horsemeat Found in Premier League Footballer


ENGLAND – The horsemeat scandal took an unexpected turn this weekend after traces of horsemeat were found in players of British football clubs.

The first and as of yet only complaint in this fresh scandal was made by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez moments after sampling some of Branislav Ivanovic right arm.

Suarez made an official complaint to the Food Standards Agency.

Ongoing controversy

The Uruguayan was quick to express his disgust after the match: “When I released my teeth from his arm I could taste some horsemeat for sure.”

“Called me crazy, but  when I bite into another player I expect human meat.”

The shocking discovery threatens to pull the entire Premier League into turmoil and players have been urged not to take bites out of their fellow professionals until the situation was resolved.

“Until we can guarantee that when you bite into an opposition player, that player is 100% human meat, we’re not taking any chances,” said a cautious Sir Dave Richards, Premier League Chairman.

Early indications suggest there could be as much as 5% horsemeat in the arms of Premier League footballers.  A disturbing stat that was nonetheless played down by Sir Richards.

“When you’ve got players from all over the world it can be difficult,” he suggested.  “There are players from France, Spain, and yes the Ukraine.  Pinning down where this horsemeat entered the system is going to be very difficult.”

Suarez also revealed that the entire incident has put him off eating other footballers in future.

“The next time I’m feeling I need something to nibble on and the closest player is a Chelsea player I will think twice, yes of course.”

Following the comments made by Suarez, Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck asserted that this was an isolated incident and assert the club players were 100% human except for defender John Terry who the club admitted was a unique mix of excrement and human meat like substitute.

Health warning

Food Minister David Heath slammed the Premier League for what he called “falling standards” and recommended Suarez stick to the arms of British footballers in future.

“There must be confidence in the arms that are bitten into on the field of play,” he said.

“That’s why my advice to Luis Suarez id to stock to British sources of arm meat.  Your Rooneys or Gerrards and the like.”

With Liverpool’s next game against Newcastle however, MR Heath confessed finding a good source of British meat could be difficult.

“Maybe the best solution is to not bite into any other players at all.”

“He should think about that.”

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Pakistani Cricketers Found Guilty Of Making Sport Interesting


LONDON – Four Pakistani cricketers have been handed jail sentences after being found guilty of conspiring to make cricket “kind of interesting for a few minutes.”

A jury deemed the sportsmen Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir, along with cricket agent Mazhar Majeed had played key roles in a spot-fixing scandal that briefly made cricket “far more interesting than one had any right to expect.”

Spot-fixing is described as “an act carried out during a game of cricket that raises the interest in the game for those involved from marginal to vaguely interested in the moment to moment outcome.”

Unrealistic expectations

The trial judge Mr Justice Cook said the offenses demanded jail terms “to mark the nature of the crime and deter any other individual from giving the impression that interesting things can happen during a typical cricket match.”

Following the verdict, dozens of angry Pakistani cricket fans could be seen burning effigies of the disgraced men for turning their beloved sport “into a marginally interesting spectacle for a few moments.”

The scandal had sparked fears that news worthy excitement and intrigue was widespread in the sport of cricket.  The International Cricket Council have been quick to assure fans that the that the sport of cricket “was not always this exciting.”

ICC corruption chief Sir Ronnie Flanagan said: “They [interesting moments] are certainly not rampant in the world of cricket.”

“We understand what these men did and we accept the severity.  But that does not mean that the rest of the sport will always be this exciting – it’s important we keep things in perspective.”

‘Excitement is not endemic’

Former England Captain Nasir Hussain said he was embarrassed for the sport: “The sentences were light considering what these men had done: making millions of people believe that interesting things can happen during five days of non-stop bat on ball action.”

Despite the potential for misunderstanding, Sports Minister Hugh Robertson remained confident the plot represented an isolated case and after watching a recent match between England and India said he was “reassured this spot fixing business will be as exciting as things would ever get.”

Mr Flanagan agreed that “the vast, vast majority of cricket matches are wonderfully boring affairs – how else would we sell all this beer?”

“My message to the followers of cricket is don’t be thinking that this kind of excitement is rampant within the game.  It’s really not.”

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Japan PM Quits After Losing 12 Consecutive Street Fighter Matches


TOKYO – Japan has been left reeling following news Prime Minster Yoshihiko Noda has quit after an embarrassing run of consecutive defeats in Street Fighter 4.

Mr Noda’s efforts in the popular arcade fighting game were widely accepted as shambolic and immediately lead to calls from opposition leaders to resign.

Calling his performance “a disgrace”, the head of Japan’s Democratic Party apologised several times and stepped down from his position after only 36 days as Prime Minister.

His opponent, local teenager Kazaki Sato, also criticised the Prime Minister’s over reliance on basic punch and kick moves in a session that saw Mr Noda suffer the humiliation of four perfect rounds.

Unacceptable

The 54-year-old described the moment he was hit with Ryu’s Ultra Combo Metsu Shoryuken for the fifth time as the “worse of my political career.”

Opposition Liberal Democratic Party spokesman Yuriko Koike condemned Japan’s leader for “bringing dishonour to his station by sticking with M.Bison for so long.”

He continued: “He could not pull off a single combo.  It was how America say, ah ‘ass-whooping’.”

Although not in attendance, the Emperor of Japan agreed the Prime Minister’s showing at the Shibuya arcade and Pachinko parlour was “unacceptable for a man of such high office.”

“I have heard the reports.  He was all over the place and has shamed us all,” criticised Emperor Akihito, who said he now regretted his appointment of the Prime Minster.

The scandal is considered the biggest embarrassment surrounding a Prime Minster since 1989 when Sosuke Uno suffered ten straight defeats in Punch Out!!

Prehaps unsurprisingly, Mr Noda admitted he was unsure how to do a Dragon Punch when quizzed after his defeat – an admission that has left many to question how he made it to one of Japan’s highest ranking positions in the first place.

‘A child could have done better’

Although troubled by the loss of another leader in government after such a short time, citizens were left with no choice but to agree after learning of the dismal streak.

“Government is no place for those with no skill in Street Fighter,” said Internal Affairs Minister Tatsuo Kawabata.  “If this was Dead or Alive we could forgive him, but no.  No, he had to go.”

In a bid for political continuity, the Democratic Party announced it would immediately hold a Street Fighter 4 tournament to decide Mr Noda’s replacement.

Emperor Akihito declared it to be “the only way we will avoid making this tragic mistake again.”

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Murdoch Hailed For ‘Lying Through His Teeth’


ENGLAND – James Murdoch has been commended by senior executives at News Corp for upholding the company tradition of sticking to a pre-established narrative of events despite the presence of facts.

The chairman of News International was questioned during a parliamentary hearing in relation to  the phone hacking scandal and was praised for expertly circumnavigating questions seeking to determine whether he was aware of the practise – He was praised this steadfast adherence to ignoring the bits of the truth that would implicate him.

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