Tag Archive | "sarah palin"

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Republicans Accuse Obama Of Using Presidential Powers To Run Country


WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.

Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.

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Barack Obama Officially Endorses Newt Gingrich


WHITE HOUSE – The race for the Republican presidential nominee has been shaken up with news that Barack Obama has strongly endorsed Newt Gingrich as his pick to face Barack Obama in the November election.

Mr Obama was reportedly so please by the results from the southern state he declared: “At this point a vote for Gingrich would feel as good as a vote for me.”

According to former front-runner Donald Trump, the vote of confidence represented the most high-profile endorsement of the campaign since he endorsed himself.

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Newt Gingrich Caught Running For Leader Of North Korea


PENNSYLVANIA – Republican presidential nominee Newt Gingrich is reported to have cheated on the United States after being found attempting to run for leader of North Korea.

Gingrich is accused of straying from his commitment to becoming US president in an attempt to become leader of the “younger and tighter” communist state despite being in a previously monogamous relationship with his 2012 presidential campaign.

The revelation will again raise questions over his ability to commit to a single political campaign.

‘I did it because I love America’

It is not the first time Gingrich as faced allegations of infidelity.  In October he was rumored to have attempted a “more exotic” run for Bolivian president when his own US presidential campaign appeared to be dying.

“This is shameful,” said former vice-president candidate Sarah Palin who noted that “our allies” in North Korea have only just lost their leader “and Newt is already trying to move in.”

“What does he see in them anyway? I bet they don’t even allow unlimited campaign donations over there.”

Former front-runner Herman Cain was just as upset over the news, arguing that “I can tell this man is incapable of staying faithful to one leadership campaign.”

The news has forced Newt Gingrich to publicly address his indiscretions in an emotional press conference.  Speaking with his campaign manager by his side,  he explained that he had inquired about the about the leadership position “in a moment of weakness”.

“Yes I looked into it [becoming leader of North Korea],” he admitted.  “I’m not perfect, but that affair is over.”

He insisted he was “fully committed to running for president of this country and this country only,” and pledged to uphold the institution of president through fidelity to the oval office.

“I am a one campaign man,” he added, vowing to “not even look at another office of leadership if I become president of the United States.”

Cheating

Political commentators have suggested this could be the end of his chances of a stable relationship with the United States.

“Oh it is so over,” raged political anchor Keith  Olbermann.  “The American people don’t want a president that can’t commit.”

“What if he becomes president and flies to Europe?  There are like 27 countries he could be president of over there.”

“How do we know he won’t run for Prime Minster of Britain behind our backs, huh?”

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Mayan Prophesy Questioned After Palin Withdraws From 2012 Race


ALASKA – The accuracy of the ancient Mayan doomsday prophesy is being called into question after Sarah Palin announced she would not be running for president in 2012.

The  Tina Fey lookalike and part-time Governor of Alaska declared on national radio that she would not be seeking nomination – a major blow to those who expected her successful presidential bid to usher in an end to all civilisation as told in the Mayan prophesies.

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Palin Tour Bus Veers Off-Road, Dives Into Credibility Gap


MASSACHUSETTS – Worrying reports from the Sarah Palin’s ‘One Nation’ road trip have indicated the tour bus has fallen into a ‘huge’ credibility gap in middle of the road.

No one has been reported injured, but Mrs Palin’s team are now trapped inside the 20 foot deep gap in credibility.  Given the depth of the chasm, emergency forces say airlifting the stranded to safety is the only reasonable option.

It’s thought the bus fell into the gap somewhere between Sarah Palin’s brief visit as a political failure and Boston on her way to a possible presidential run.

After the failed attempt to navigate the ditch, significant damage was done to the tries, vehicle frame and the Alaskan’s chances of putting together a legitimate bid to become president.

Mind the gap

Road safety experts were amazed the accident was not avoided as they say the size of this particular gap “must have been too big to not see coming from a mile away.”

“This is such an obviously gap in credibility it baffles me that not one person on that bus saw it,” said a confused Fred Peterson who could only assume there was nobody at the wheel during the time of the incident.

Palin herself attributed the existence of the gap on the country’s poor infrastructure which she blamed on “Barack Hussein Obama and those fat cat Washington politics conducting business as usual while the lamestream media’s bias against momma grizzlies allows Big Government to ignore their basic duties to maintain the roads.”

‘Someone call AAA’

Undeterred, the former half-term governor vowed to not let a “silly ‘ol ditch stop us from doing what we gotta do,” and rumors have suggested she may even announce a long-rumored presidential bid from within the credibility gap should efforts to remove the vehicle prove unsuccessful.

Her determination was applauded by Barack Obama who offered to personally assist aid efforts if it helped get her campaign back on it’s feet as “Sarah’s the best chance I have of being re-elected next year.”

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Comedians Put Pressure On Sarah Palin to Run For President


ALASKA – Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has come under increased pressure from comedians to run for president following the shock announcement by Donald Trump to withdraw from the race.

Stand-ups, late night hosts and satirists have already begged Trump to reconsider his decision, but the media mogul has remained steadfast in his decision to spend more time being a joke with his family.

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Donald Trump Demands Bin Laden’s Death Certificate


WASHINGTON DC – White House hopeful Donald Trump has launched an unexpected attack on Osama Bin Laden, demanding he release his long form death certificate to prove he is really dead.

Osama Bin Laden has claimed to be dead for over 72 hours since being killed by US special forces over the weekend.  More than enough time, according to Trump, for him to produce documented evidence of his demise and put the matter to rest.

“He was shot in the head and his body thrown out into the ocean, sure…but who’s seen the death certificate? What’s he waiting for?”

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Man Who Played Obama in 2008 Election To Run in 2012


SAN DIEGO – The man who played candidate Obama in the 2008 presidential election has announced that he will run for president himself in 2012.

Jerry Williams, a professional Barack Obama impersonator, made the announcement during a speaking gig were he had been hired to play the president as a reminder to a group of young Democrats of what they voted for three years ago.

Williams was employed by the Obama campaign team to deliver captivating speeches filled with inspiring promises of a brighter future, but split from the team before the election win over his habit of “going overboard with the rhetoric at times.”

Impersonations you can believe in

The Californian native who said that the failure of the president to even try and make good on the promises he made on the campaign trail lead him launch his own campaign this year.

A run in 2012 would not only see him go against the incumbent but against fellow political impersonator Sarah Palin, who Williams described as “one of the best in the business”.

Eager to stress the difference between himself and president Obama, he highlighted “increased government transparency, ending the Bush-era tax cuts, curbing lobbyists, Iraq, shutting down of Guantanamo, reducing drone bombings, halting the expansion of the Patriot Act’s encroachment on civil liberties, putting an end to extraordinary rendition or even bringing meaningful reform to the banking industry,” as just a few examples of things he stood for in 2008 but Barack Obama had no intention of delivering.

“To this day people still can’t tell us apart.  I remember guys coming up to me saying: ‘Yo Barack, I love your message of hope and change man’,  and I would say: ‘I’m Jerry, but thanks’.”

I can’t believe it’s not change

With an estimated $400 million made from speaking engagements as the presidential impersonator, Williams’ reelection campaign kicked off with a fundraiser where his campaign received a boost after being endorsed by a Denzel Washington impersonator and two Al Sharpton lookalikes.

Even with the positive start, the Obama lookalike who performed so exceptionally in the 2008 race expected a hard battle to come against the current president.

Steven Curry, a political strategist was confident that despite the physical similarities voters would have no issue telling the two men apart as “one is a charismatic figure that seems able to walk on water as he delivers an impassioned message of a better future, and the other has been president since ’08.”

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Sarah Palin Visits Zoo To Boost Foreign Experience


CALIFORNIA – Following recent trips to India and Israel, Sarah Palin has made a visit to San Diego Zoo in a last grasp effort to gain foreign policy experience. 

For the former Alaska governor, the trip to San Diego Zoo – which provides access to animals from Africa, Europe and Asia among others – offers a chance to distinguish herself and at the same time burnish her famously weak foreign experience as she hits back at criticism over her lack of world experience.

The former vice presidential candidate also bought a Churro which she was sure came from Mexican.

World traveller

“This park has over 800 species from all over the globe,” she noted while reading the trivia on the back of her day pass.  “Has Obama been to see the Hissing Cockroaches of Madagascar?  I don’t think so.”

It’s thought that the trip has been panned ahead of a presidential run, which politcal analysts say could prove a masterstroke as it allows her to visit some of the most foreign places on earth within the zoo’s 9am to 6pm opening hours.

The Sea Lions Rock! show was supposed to be her first visit of the day, but she was turned away as the animals were said to be ‘feeling poorly’ that day.

However, poor scheduling meant they missed the Dr. Zoolittle Children’s Show.

It is unclear whether Mrs Palin and her team failed to realise that the show is scheduled for Saturdays and Sundays only, a mistake often made by foreign tourists, though not so often by visiting politicians.

‘Nothing but a photo opportunity’

In a controversial moment, she warned about the growing threat of China after seeing Bai Yun – a giant panda – in the flesh.

“It’s huge!” was the astute claim from Palin. “And did you see the way it ripped through bamboo?  Gosh, we better watch those Chinese guys eh.”

Though the trip has come under fire as a desperate and opportunistic attempt to look like a globally savvy statesman in the most harmless and controlled manner, critics we forced to admit that she had at least spent more time at the zoo than as Governor of her state.

Mrs Palin expressed her thanks to staff for keeping the park open an extra hour so she could complete thier tour, which included holding session with a pack of Kangaroos, settling a dispute between Indian Tigers and African Bonobos, all before getting her picture taking with reindeer from Northern Europe.

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WikiLeaks: Santa’s Naughty and Nice List Revealed


NORTH POLE – The secret lists of naughty and nice children around the world, described as ‘vital to operations’ by Santa’s little helpers, has been released in a fresh WikiLeaks dump. 

In addition to the disposition of every child in the world, the leak purportedly exposes ‘decades of widespread corruption’ surrounding the formation of the Naughty and Nice lists.

Details included instances of Santa Claus reportedly accepting payments up to $1000 per child for placement on the Nice list in efforts to secure top billing when presents are distributed on Christmas Eve.

Rampant corruption

The massive dump highlights numerous instances of racial profiling who is placed onto the Naughty list, and perhaps most damaging are the sections that show Santa instructing his helpers to collect DNA samples and other personal information about children on the list, though for what purpose is yet to be ascertained.

Security analyst Kadeem Abbas, an American born Muslim once stuck on the naughty list for five years straight, says this is probably the most controversial document yet from the WikiLeaks organisation.

“The level of corruption is outrageous to say the least,” said Mr Abbas who felt the site has effectively ruined Christmas by exposing the inner workings of the Naughty and Nice list.

“Nobody wants to know how the sausage is made, but here it is.  I always suspected there was something wrong [with the Naughty and Nice list], I just didn’t know it went this deep.”

‘Ruining it for everybody’

A spokesman for Santa’s workshop said this morning: “We unequivocally condemn the unauthorised release of classified information.”

Speaking on the allegations of corruption, the elf added:  “The idea that Santa Claus would take bribes for placement on one list or another is wholly reprehensible.  Especially bribes of such low valuations.”

Joining mounting criticism, former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin described founder Julian Assange as “an anti-Christmas operative with blood on his hands” and called for him to be hunted down like a Taliban leader, or that Aunt who gives you socks every year.

WikiLeaks say they will continue to release documents despite continued threats from disgruntled politicians and elves alike.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, Mr Assange stated that should anything happen to him it would trigger the release of an encrypted ‘insurance document’ thought to include more damaging material involving Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.

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