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Republicans Slam Obama For “Soft Poultry Policy” After Turkey Pardon

WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.

In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.

According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.

Failed policies

Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.

“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”

Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.

“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”

In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.

“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this?  Turkey.”

Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there.  “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”

Unanswered questions

With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.

“I can’t help the feeling we’re not seeing the whole picture,” suggested Fox News host Megan Kelly.

“Why these turkeys huh?  What’s so special about them?”

“Why was there no trial before an official pardon?”

“Why won’t the White House tell us what they were pardoned for?”

“Who are Cobbler and Gobbler, really?”

“What’s the real story here?”

It is now widely expected both birds, Cobbler and Gobbler, would rejoin with groups linked to al-Qaeda.

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Rick Santorum Ends Campaign To Spend More Time Fighting Social Progression

PENNSYLVANIA – Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has announced he is ending his bid for the White House to concentrate on fighting years of social progression.

Now unburdened by a lengthy campaign, he told supporters he would now dedicate his efforts “one hundred per cent” to reversing the trend of social progress back to the Dark Ages.

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Barack Obama Officially Endorses Newt Gingrich

WHITE HOUSE – The race for the Republican presidential nominee has been shaken up with news that Barack Obama has strongly endorsed Newt Gingrich as his pick to face Barack Obama in the November election.

Mr Obama was reportedly so please by the results from the southern state he declared: “At this point a vote for Gingrich would feel as good as a vote for me.”

According to former front-runner Donald Trump, the vote of confidence represented the most high-profile endorsement of the campaign since he endorsed himself.

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Framed Ronald Reagan Photo Becomes New Republican Frontrunner

AIMES – In a late twist in the race for GOP nominee, a framed image of Ronald Reagan has jumped to the top of the polls, hours before the crucial Iowa caucus.

The 8.5×11” framed image of the former president has enjoyed an unexpected surge in polling numbers ahead of the first round of voting.

Political analysts say the painting ticked all the right boxes for a candidate in that it resembled the 40th United States president, was taken in front of an American flag, and was printed at a resolution of 300dpi.

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Rick Perry Outlines Plan To Withdraw From Education By 2020

TEXAS – In his latest televised statement, Rick Perry has announced that if elected president he would immediately withdraw all children from education by 2020 at the very latest.

With over 60 million children currently serving tours in public and private institutions, the Republican nominee said the pull out from schools across the country was long overdue.

“We’ve been in education since 1800. Or was it 1850? I never paid much attention in history class.”

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Nuclear Experts Warn Rick Perry “Heading For Meltdown”

TEXAS – The Federation of American Scientists have advised residents to evacuate the immediate area surrounding Rick Perry’s political campaign after warning it was very close to going into meltdown.

During last night’s Republican debate, the former Governor suffered a powerful blow to the foundations of his bid to become president which triggered a series of reactions likely to result in “full-scale meltdown.”

The scale of the impending tragedy is widely thought to leave Rick Perry’s political career uninhabitable for decades.

Clean up operation

Experts are now focused on moving enough people to safety before Perry’s campaign completely shuts down and starts leaking radioactive material over the political careers of those around him.

FEMA officials confirm they are on hand to mobilise response teams in efforts to deal with the impending catastrophe.

Charles Ferguson, physicist and president of the Federation of American Scientists gave a dire summary of the situation: “I saw the debate live and we should not underestimate the damage that was done.”

“We could be facing a meltdown bigger than Fukushima.”

The crisis is already being described as the worst meltdown since Chernobyl, and the situation is only expected to worsen in the coming weeks – especially if he takes part in any more debates.

Ray Sullivan, Mr Perry’s spokesman, initially tried to play down the damage but Mr Ferguson dismissed any notion the situation remained salvageable as “wishful thinking” and urged the Perry campaign to “evacuate immediately if you want to stay alive.”

‘Oh the humanity!’

Despite being an early front-runner in the GOP race, Dr Forrester pointed to several fundamental design flaws in the Perry campaign that – including an inability to generate the English necessary to operate in a post grunt environment – that have contributed to the dramatic failure.

“Frankly, I don’t know how he made it this far.  This campaign is in stage four of a very serious meltdown.”

Prehaps worryingly, worst case scenarios have indicated the fallout would be so bad that it may leave the Texan’s children unable to run for president.

However, when compared with the unexpected disasters in the Ukraine and Japan, Dr Forrester said the saving grace in this current crisis was “that we can see this disaster coming from miles away and are able to save as many people as we can before it blows.”

“Thank God for that.”

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Hackers Shut Down Mitt Romney’s Operating System

MASSACHUSETTS – The Republican race for presidential nominee took another twist last night after computer hackers reportedly hacked into Mitt Romney and shut down his operating system.

The attack is thought to have taken place during a press conference as Romney began reciting “garbled gibberish and programming code” in front of journalists.

Mitt Romney’s internal firewall was left unable to defend against external scrutiny, leaving his political campaign unit (PCU) incapable of generating vague and evasive non-answers to simple questions.

Made in Wall Street

The security breach marks the first time a hacking attempt on a public figure has been made since Keanu Reeves was jailbroken in a failed attempt to install a more life-like acting ability firmware.

Observers had initially assumed the former Governor was referring to his new tax structure when he shouted “0-0-0”, and thought he was actually laying out his plans for government when he repeated the phrase “error – immediate shutdown required” for 10 minutes.

“This is terrible news for Romneybot,” said political commentator Bill O Reilly, who believed there was now a genuine possibility of hackers uploading Romney’s political kernel into a non-Mormon humanoid unit – posing a serious threat to the former Governor’s chances of securing enough votes for the GOP nomination.

Those in Romney’s camp initially played down the breach as compromising “only a very small section” of his fresh ideas for government – but it was later confirmed that hackers actually got everything.

Mitt Romney’s campaign manager later acknowledged the severity of the hack in a statement, admitting they should have noticed signs of malfunction when Romney privately acknowledged the possibility that President Obama was born in America.

Inadequate security measures

Technology experts say hackers took advantage of Romney’s “simplistic security protocols”, to gain crucial login information before accessing his core operating system terminal through brute force methods.

“His password was ‘corporationsrpeople’.  Once the hackers got that they had complete access to his systems as well as his credit card details.”

The incident appears to have opened the door open for fellow candidate Rick Perry who is deemed too simple a system to be cracked with modern techniques.

Mitt Romney has since been returned to his manufacturer for urgent repairs and is expected to be wiped clean and reinstalled with the latest version of popular political soundbites.

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Mayan Prophesy Questioned After Palin Withdraws From 2012 Race

ALASKA – The accuracy of the ancient Mayan doomsday prophesy is being called into question after Sarah Palin announced she would not be running for president in 2012.

The  Tina Fey lookalike and part-time Governor of Alaska declared on national radio that she would not be seeking nomination – a major blow to those who expected her successful presidential bid to usher in an end to all civilisation as told in the Mayan prophesies.

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Terminator Arrives From Future To Locate Rick Perry

TEXAS – In an unexpected political twist, A T-800 model terminating unit is demanding to know the location of presidential candidate Rick Perry.

Appealing to local journalists, the assassination unit explained it had been sent back from a near future post-apocalyptic world where survivors brave a world in which Rick Perry becomes president.

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Colonel Gaddafi Mistaken For Tea Party Candidate

LIBYA –   A new poll suggests Tea Party voters may have confused Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi for a valid Republican presidential nominee following a string of rambling audio messages and all round special behaviour.

The figures surprisingly show the troubled dictator to be a viable candidate for the GOP nomination on the back of Tea Party support – posting a nine point lead over Governor Rick Perry.

Gaddafi garnered 26% of the vote, followed by Rick Perry (17%), Mitt Romney (15%), Michele Bachmann (11%), and none of the above (9%).

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