Tag Archive | "republican"

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Medical Scientists Mystified By Spineless Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan SpineWASHINGTON DC – Scientists in the country’s top medical institutes are said to be collectively mystified by Paul Ryan’s ability to walk without a spine.

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Donald Trump To Build Wall Around North Pole

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has announced a controversial plan to build a wall around the North Pole in order to keep “the wrong kind of presents from entering America.”

Trump declared that should he become president, he would build a “great great wall” between the North Pole and America to ensure only the “best, most classy presents” arrived under American Christmas trees on December 25th. He also added that Santa Claus would pay for the wall’s construction.

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Nick Clegg Calls For 2015 Election Debate To Be Held In 2010

UNITED KINGDOM – Nick Clegg has called for next month’s General Election debate to be rescheduled to April 2010, when he had a chance of being Prime Minister.

The Liberal Democrat leader said he was “more than ready” to take on rival party leaders ahead of the 2015 election, as long as the seven-way debate took place five years in the past.

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Republicans Accuse Obama Of Using Presidential Powers To Run Country

WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.

Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.

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Google Confirm “Yes, Our Robots Will Eventually Destroy Humanity”

SILICON VALLEY – After its purchase of a military grade robotics company, Google have confirmed that yes, they are trying to start a robot apocalypse that will kill us all.

The company first announced its intention in a year-end investor conference call.  CEO Larry Page reported increased third quarter profits before outlining Google’s plans to “kick off the downfall of humanity with these intimidating and formidable robots.”

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Republicans Unveil Google.com As Obamacare Alternative

WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional House Republicans have unveiled their first genuine alternative to the Affordable Care Act: google.com.

Titled the “Just Google It” Healthcare Act, or “Googlecare”, the plan is set to put to rest ongoing criticism that the Republican party had up till now offered no practical alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act.

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Americans Avoid Fiscal Cliff By Throwing Congress Over Actual Cliff

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected resolution, Americans have agreed an 11th hour deal to solve the country’s fiscal problems by pushing members of congress over an actual cliff.

A deal was reached by citizens across all 50 states and is set to solve US economic problems by removing what many agree is the biggest threat to the country’s fiscal future.

The American people said it was time to “end the game of chicken played by Congress” and send them “over the nearest cliff like a game of lemmings”.

Budget deal agreed

Slow progress by both Republicans and Democrats prompted ordinary Americans to put forward their own proposal to stop steep tax rises and spending cuts.

It’s thought the deal will involve gathering congressional leaders and frog march them over the nearest cliff.

The bipartisan agreement, supported by a majority of Americans, will take effect by the end of January once a big enough net could be found.

Washington native Joshua Scott said the agreement, which was agreed to by 300 million citizens, was negotiated inside three hours – less time than House Speaker John Boehner spends in a tanning bed session according to inside sources.

“We were all just frustrated with the lack of progress on Capitol Hill so we got together and worked out a deal that was best for us,” said Mr Scott.

“With this deal the U.S. will avoid a double dip recession and make future political discussions a heck of a lot smoother with less politicians around.”

According to reports, the only remaining sticking point is which area of elevated ground to send Republicans and Democrats over, which Nevada’s Grand Canon the preferred option.

Analysts say this new deal was an overall positive for the country and stocks saw an optimistic rally at the thought of lawmakers being sent over a real cliff.

Long term solutions

President Obama said while the deal was “not ideal”, it remained the most sensible offer on the table and signed off on the plan earlier today.

However, Mitch McConnell, leader of the Senate’s Republican minority, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid both remain against any deal that would see them face a drop any larger than 10 feet.

Indeed, many Congressional leaders are reported to have rejected the deal, but Mr Scott said the sheer weight of numbers would ensure it gets pushed through “quite literally”.

“We understand no one like going over a cliff.”

“But it’s us or them.”

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Physical Manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s Blind Rage Early 2016 Frontrunner

WASHINGTON DC – After Barack Obama’s re-election, a physical manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s blind rage is being tipped to become GOP candidate for president in 2016.

The dark, deep, lighting filled cloud has already emerged as an early frontrunner for Republicans as the party looks to reinvent itself following a disappointing loss to the president and reason for the cloud’s existence.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud has already tested through the roof with conservative voters, beating out prominent candidates including Jeb Bush and a shrink wrapped copy of Atlas Shrugged.

New party hope

A newcomer to the political arena, the turbulent rage cloud burst onto the scene only seconds after President Obama’s re-election and has continued growing its support and overall surface area.

“There’s no doubt that this thing is the rising star of the new conservative movement,” said Fox News analyst Karl Rove.

With a view on the 2016 presidential race, conservative pundits are left to debate why the ominous hate filled cloud was so popular.

“It’s the only candidate that is really speaking to the core Republican base in any meaningful way,” suggested conservative commentator Dick Morris.

“The rage cloud has come out of nowhere but the party is really connecting with its message of unsubstantiated fear and institutional racism.”

Indeed, disappointed conservative voters have indicated they would likely back a bid for the White House if the rage cloud decided to run.

“I would totally vote for Rush’s semi solid rage cloud,” admitted Alabama voter Chad Evans.  “It screams incessantly at me in a way Mitt Romney never did.”

Mr Evans, who now lives in an underground panic bunker for fear of a second Obama term says a 2016 bid by the anger filled cloud could persuade him and his family to consider living above ground again.

Measured response

However, some early optimism has been tempered as the rage cloud has yet to announced its plans for the 2016 race.  And while Rove admitted “it hasn’t laid out a coherent policy,” he also noted “that never stopped Mitt from running.”

Karl Rove remained adamant the hate fueled cloud was delaying as it worked out a deal to make a similar sized semi-solid cloud of Republican misogynistic sentiment its vice presidential pick for a devastating ticket in 2016.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud avoided the topic when interviewed however, instead emitting a succession of lighting bursts along with belligerent and barely intelligible ramblings about Mexicans, guns and “THOSE DAMN GAYS”.

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Mitt Romney Crushed By Magic 8-Ball in Debate Warm Up

BOSTON – Mitt Romney has suffered a major setback ahead of the presidential debates after a crushing defeat to Magic 8-Ball forced him to call short a warm up debate session.

Facing questions on popular election issues, Romney answered by judging which string of words were most favourable in that given moment, and the Magic 8-Ball answered by being shaken vigorously for five seconds.

Observers say the fortune-telling toy proved much more consistent with its answers.

Tough opponent

This was the first time Mitt Romney had debated against a candidate filled with this much alcoholic substance since Rick Perry, and he looked uncomfortable again as the spherical object began pulling ahead in polling on a range of international and domestic issues.

A focus group of voters said the cold, hollow and inanimate candidate came off far worse than the Magic 8-Ball in many areas.  It went on to trounce the former Massachusetts governor with a string of clear affirmative responses in comparison to Romney’s vague non-answers.

One example came when asked whether he would release his tax returns if elected president.  Mitt Romney could only reply “cannot predict now”.

“You could tell he was struggling up there,”  recalled campaign manager Matt Rhoades who ended the session.  “We had to do something.  He was getting his ass handed to him by Magic 8-Ball.”

News of the pre debate loss is a major setback for and Romney’s campaign managers have already cancelled further warm up sessions against more formidable opponents such as Apple’s Siri.

‘Outlook not so good’

Romney himself remained optimistic, suggesting that while he “wasn’t as eloquent as I could have been,” he could improve on what he saw as his only weakness in his debate performance: answering simple yes-no questions on basic elements of his policies.

However, those who watched the proceedings were less enthusiastic about his chances.

“I felt Magic 8-Ball came across more credible,” explained one participant, Sue Baker, who scored the black and white plastic ball ahead by 11 points before the session was called to an end.

Another onlooker felt the Magic 8-Ball was “more concise, empathetic to human interests and showed a lot of personality on stage in comparison to Romney.”

Texas native Derek Rogers, explained: “It had Romney beat on a lot of the big issues.  I came out of this a big supporter of the vision Magic 8-Ball has for this country.”

“Mitt could really learn from this guy.”

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Romney Unveils New Campaign Message: “I Was Kidding This Whole Time”

MASSACHUSETTS – In a move to win over increasingly sceptical voters, Mitt Romney has unveiled his new campaign message to the voting public : “I was just fooling with you guys”.

The plan was developed after Romney’s chief political strategists privately acknowledged the best method of improving favorability in key battleground states is to have people think his presidential campaign has simply been an attempt at humor.

Sources say the new campaign will begin “effective immediately” under a revamped slogan: “You Thought I was Being Serious? 2012”.

I live for comedy

This latest reboot will see Romney announce he has been “pulling the leg” of the American people and the presidential nominee was on hand to deliver the new look campaign: “We’re focused on getting a new, new, new message to the American people,” he explained.

“One that says ‘hey, all that stuff you heard me say and do over and over in the last year?  We were just fooling around with y’all’.”

He then declared it time to get back to simple truths and admit “my campaign has been a big joke this whole time” – a message political analysts roundly agreed was one “sure resonate big time with the American people”.

Hammering home the new message, the Romney explained that “running a campaign where I alienate every interest group with each sentence to fall out of my mouth is just something I do for kicks.”

“Remember that time when I came across like an out of touch one percenter unable to express basic human empathy  for anyone making less than seven figures a year? Ha ha ha haaaaa.”

“Oh mercy.  That one still cracks me up.”

Fooled ya

It’s understood his campaign managers considered several potential strategies to regain lost ground in polls including framing current president Barack Obama for murder.

“We sat down and explored a bunch of options with the specific mandate of getting this campaign bus back on the road,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous.

“Having Obama charged with murder was in the top three.  Our data show folks would have been highly concerned about voting for a guy on facing a murder rap.”

“In the end, the logistical challenge of framing a man for first or even second degree murder this close to the election was way too much.”

“Convincing people that everything Mitt has said and done has been a joke is infinitely more doable.”

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