Tag Archive | "pyongyang"

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North Korea Switch To Virgin Media After Internet Blackout


PYONGYANG – North Korea have confirmed the full restoration of internet services after the country switched to a Virgin Media broadband package.

The move followed an unprecedented series of internet outages and generally “shoddy service” with EE Unlimited Home Broadband.

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Kim Jong-Un Executes Uncle “To Reduce Hassle Of Christmas Shopping”


PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-Un has explained his decision to execute his uncle came after struggling to find a suitable Christmas gift for the “difficult” former regime advisor.

Reports within the country suggest the North Korean leader had begun the search for a gift before deciding it was less hassle to execute his uncle and move on to the remaining members of his family.

Jang Song-thaek was accused of returning up to four Christmas gifts given to him under previous regimes.

Tis the season

It’s understood the once powerful uncle was notoriously difficult to shop for and rumours had begun circulating that he would be removed from this year’s Christmas list.

Kim Jong-Un was confident holiday shopping would now be “much much” easier, though he was forced to admit the family Christmas dinner might be awkward.

North Korean state television described Mr Jang as “despicable human scum” and a “total ball ache to shop for”.

In lengthy article foaming with outraged rhetoric, North Korea’s official news agency accused Jang Song-thaek of plotting to return his Christmas gifts as early as November.

Mr Jang admitted his crimes in court and a death sentence was “immediately executed”.

The report said: “Jang Song-thaek dreamed such a foolish dream of receiving the perfect Christmas gift despite failing to give so much as a hint as to what kind of stuff he’s into.”

“He is then disappointed on Christmas Day and more often than not has the nerve to ask if you kept the receipt.”

“How are you supposed to shop for someone like that?”

Christmas shopping made easy

North Korean experts said the brutal move was a clear sign that there would be no backsies this festive season.

This after state media detailed previous presents that had been returned or gone unused by Song-thaek including a handmade “World’s Best Uncle” mug given to him by and eight-year-old Kim Jung-Un.

Now 30, the young dictator recalled “spending a whole weekend with mom making that mug and uncle never drank from it once.  What the hell dude?!”

The ruthless disposal of Mr Jang would have serious implications beyond Christmas according to one analyst, with birthdays and other gift giving seasons now under more scrutiny.

“I think what he’s telling people – family members and military personnel alike – is that when you receive your gift you need to be grateful.”

“Or there will be grave repercussions.”

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North Korea Respond To Xbox One Used Game Policy With Missile Test


PYONGYANG – North Korea have launched an unscheduled round of missile tests in response to the used game policy on the upcoming Xbox One console.

The country’s leader made clear his disapproval of a more restrictive stance on used games, calling on Microsoft to “take back its regressive actions for my sake and for the sake of the gaming community.”

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UN Inspectors: North Korea May Be Developing Food Technology


PYONGYANG – The United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission have warned that North Korea is secretly developing technology that will “soon allow it to feed its own people.”

A new report raised fears the country has made “significant” progress in the construction of basic cooking facilities capable of providing regular meals to a growing percentage of the population.

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North Korea: “We’ll Stop Making Nukes If You Stop Making Fast and Furious Sequels”


PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.

An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”

The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”

Enough is enough

Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests.  In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.

In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.

America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.

Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.

In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.

The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”

“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.

2 Fast 2 Spurious

Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea.  Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.

“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden.  “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”

However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.

“It’s not all bad.  At least we still have Transformers.”

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Kim Jong-Un Succession Delayed Over IT Support Issues


PYONGYANG – New North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has had his start date for succession pushed back after IT reported “major tech issues” while preparing his work laptop and log in credentials.

Following the death of his processor, the new starter had been expected to take up the role of insane dictator imminently, but difficulties in getting the required hardware onto the network have proved more challenging than expected.

“We’ve tried the government sanctioned smart card and the government mandated USB token but neither is working correctly,” said the head of the North Korea’s IT department Bob Hong-Ki.

Technical difficulties

As the only computer in the country with intenet access, the laptop left by Kim Jong-il is crucial to the ability of Kim Jong-un to carry out his duties of living a life of secluded luxury while his people starve.

State officials admitted IT issues were affecting the succession plan, but attempted to play down the situation as “just some tech stuff”.

Privately, it’s understood Kim Jong-il had not allowed the state’s IT department to keep crucial software up to date and had only been updated once in 17 years.   In addition to “tons of malware”, the IT team would “almost certainly” require the 11 day period of mourning to be extended and allow enough time to get the machine ready for use.

“It took us ages to clear the porn from the laptop, and it was still using Windows 95!”

State controlled media announced that once the machine was updated the IT department would run several diagnostics processes, including the installation of Missiles Launch Pro, installing McAfee, and making sure Solitaire was configured to win on every occasion.

‘IT are aware of the issue’

Has been advised in the meantime to think of a much stronger pass word as “nknukesu11” was deemed insecure and would likely leave the system venerable to security breach.

Leaders from the US and Britain hailed the reports of IT related set back to the oppressive regime, but also sympathised with the pitfalls of dealing with IT to get a new computer up and running.

A source inside the secretive nation indicated Bob Hong-Ki was “getting defensive” when asked to give a date on which the succession could take place.  “Hey look, we’re trying as hard as we can here.  IT isn’t as easy as it looks.”

The department leader also highlighted that “sitting around talking about the problem is not make it go away any faster.”

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North Korea Coca-Cola Bottling Facility ‘Provocative’


NORTH KOREA – The Coca-Cola Corporation has said a report that North Korea has built an unlicensed Coca-Cola bottling facility is further evidence of Pyongyang “continuing on a path which is destabilising for our shareholders.”

North Korean officials revealed the existence of the multi-storey plant to Stanford professor Siegfried Hecker, a self-proclaimed Coke fiend this week.  Hecker’s tour was the first time that North Korea has either admitted or shown off a bottling facility and was thought to send a clear message to the American corporation: not only are we making our own Coke, but it tastes great!

‘Belligerent behaviour’

It appears scientists in Pyongyang continued enrichment of the secret formula after previous attempts could only produce a beverage with the taste of New Coke, and are now close to being able to manufacture, bottle and distribute their own Coke on a worryingly large scale.

“That they are trying to make their own refreshingly tasty Coke without the proper licensing agreement shows a long time deceitfulness that is beyond belief,” blasted a Coca-Cola spokeswoman.

The Coca-Cola Corporation said they had been aware of the North’s potential for duplicating their secret recipe, and although many were astonished at the news, CEO Muhtar Kent was not surprised.

“Sure, everyone loves the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola,”  he said.  “When those smooth bubbles go down your throat that sunshine smile spreads on you face?  Who wouldn’t want to replicate that?  But this is still unacceptable.  They should have cleared this with our legal department.”

‘Can’t believe it’s not Coke’

If left unchecked, the facility could manufacture and bottle enough Coke and Diet Coke to supply hundreds of American birthday parties, vending machines and barbecue’s come next summer .  The real worry would come if they manage to duplicate the site elsewhere.  “They could use the first site to make Coke and a second to make Cherry Coke. We’d be out of business in no time,” warned Kent.

In a blind taste test, professor Hecker said he could not tell the difference between Coke produced in North Korea and America.

Experts point to the stranglehold of sanctions and suggest that Pyongyang is preparing to use the facility as an outlet for the sale of Coke and Coke related accessories to boost their economy.

“They want food. They are starving to death. If they sold their own Coke on the open market…well I don’t need to tell you how lucrative that would be.”

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