Tag Archive | "protests"

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UN To Use Bigger Adjectives When Discussing Syria Bloodshed

NEW YORK – The UN has indicated it will make a firm stand against Syria’s president by pledging to use stronger adjectives to describe the ongoing massacre in the country.

With attacks against civilians showing no sign of easing, the organisation declared they could no longer stand by and use regular vocabulary when talking about the endless murder of innocents.

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Latest Greek Tragedy “The Finest Ever” Say Literary Scholars

GREECE – After fresh failure to form a coalition government, literary scholars have hailed the current turmoil as the best Greek tragedy there has ever been.

As emergency talks fell apart for a third time, plunging the country deeper into crisis, experts of human suffering plots insist the crisis eclipses the works of any ancient Athenian tragedy writer.

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Occupy Sesame Street: “We’re In It For The Long Haul”

SESAME STREET – The cast of children’s television show Sesame Street continue to make their presence felt as protests against parent network PBS stretch into another week.

The demonstrations are part of a global effort to rally against “an unelected minority who work behind the scenes pulling the strings of every move we make.”

Similar protests are being held within Fraggle Rock and along Avenue Q.

Occupy Sesame Street

Monsters of all shapes and sizes have taken over the main square in front of Sesame Street demanding accountability and fairness.

A spokeswoman for the protesters said the monsters would not let up until they got “E.  E-qual-it-y. Equal-ity.  EQUALITY! Yay!”

Oscar the Grouch was quick to distance himself from the movement – having earlier clarified he was not sleeping in a trash can to make a political statement.

However, there was much anger vented by others gathered against “the invisible hands that control us all.”

“Elmo has had it up to here with this crap.  Elmo demands change!  Hehehe that tickles,” giggled one furious protestor.

Already weeks into the movement, the monsters gave every indication they planned to become a permanent fixture.

Cookie Monster is reported to have stocked over a thousand boxes of cookies  – a clear signal that he intended to stick around for at least two more hours.

Celebrity appeal

The crowd received a boost today as celebrity muppet Kermit the Frog made a surprise appearance to publicly back the movement.

Looking towards Ms Piggy – also in attendance – Kermit continued: “I understand your pain.  That feeling of being under a shadow, having someone watching and controlling everything you do…well, enough is enough!”

“How long will we stay? Weeelll, that’s the millionnn dollarrr questionnn?” said fellow demonstrator Snuffleupagus when asked if the movement could be sustained.  “I hooope we’ll stay long enough tooo get our message acrosss.”

However, a lack of any defined agenda or list of demands has led to criticism of the protestors, with observers five-years-old and under calling for the message to be clarified and spelt out letter by letter.

Statler and Waldorf have been the biggest critics, suggesting that “chopped liver had a more coherent message.”

“I haven’t seen a protest with this many losers since they tried to cancel Star Trek,” blasted Waldorf.

There were also criticisms of disorganisation.  Several activists say they still don’t know how to get to Sesame Street so they could add their support.

Brought to you by the letter ‘O’

Still, many protesters were confident the movement would only expand with time.

“We are here to stay until justice is done!” Cried a defiant Count von Count.

“Our numbers will soon grow from here.  Ah!  ONE.  One hundred protesters.  TWO.  Two hundred protesters. THREE.  Three hundred protesters.  FOUR.  Four hundred protesters.  FIVE. Five hundred protesters.  SIX!  Six hundred protesters!  SEVEN!  Seven. Hundred. Protesters!  Ha ha ha HA HAAAAAAAA!”

While predictions have yet to be proven, pundits believe he may not be far off the mark as the support increases for what many consider a worthy cause.

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Fearful Refugees Continue To Flee Tottenham Violence

LONDON – After violent scenes in the nation’s capital, scores of refugees continue to flee the North London area of Tottenham in efforts to seek safety and security.

Initially peaceful protests turned ugly over the weekend leaving residents with no choice but to seek  asylum in safer areas, with many heading to the relative safety of war torn Somalia, Gaza and Baghdad.

“We just want a chance of a peaceful life,” said one single mother of two who believed her children deserved a less hostile environment in which to grow up.   “It’s just not safe for us here…We’re going to try our luck in Afghanistan.”

Situation untenable

The UN Refugee Agency has made an emergency appeal to respective governments to increase resettlement slots for refugees impacted by spreading violence in North London.

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon said: “We are looking to initiate resettlement programs to ensure people from Tottenham are given the secure living conditions they are not afforded in their home town.”

Although publicly willing, many governments privately worry that the chaos seen in Tottenham could spread to their own countries.

Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has warned that they would extend a welcome to refugees, but only on condition that they leave “that dangerous behaviour” behind them.

This hesitation comes after a travel warning from Somali capital Mogadishu advised residents against travel to Tottenham or the surrounding boroughs unless “absolutely necessary”.

“We’re simply asking our people to exercise caution,” said Somali foreign minister, Mohamed Abdullahi Omaar.  “The situation is still uncertain and unless you really want a good deal on televisions or foodstuffs we see no reason to put yourself in danger.”

Abdullahi Omaar also announced a hot-line for ex-patriots caught up in the turbulent scenes, adding: “We have arranged chartered flights out of Tottenham so those concerned for their safety can return to Somalia.”

Comin’ Straight Outta Tottenham

Until the situation calms down, Abdullahi Omaar deemed the area a ‘no go’ zone.

Thousands are thought to be making their way out of Tottenham, although travel was hampered by planned engineering works on the Victoria, Hammersmith & City, Circle and Jubilee lines of the London Underground.

Transport for London officials advised anyone looking to flee the town to protect the safety of their family’s lives to seek alternative routes.

In addition, major traffic delays on the A406 southbound between junctions one and five mean that in reality, many would sadly perish before reaching the M25.

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Police Protesters Slammed For ‘Excessive’ Force Used On Themselves

LONDON – The anti-spending cuts demonstration took an ugly turn after widespread reports of police offers using ‘excessive levels of force’ on themselves as they sought to keep their protests under control.

The Metropolitan Police have admitted to receiving an ‘alarming’ number of complaints following the self-inflicted violence that marred the protests in London on Saturday.

It emerged that every officer at the march put in a complaint against himself for using what was deemed to be heavy-handed crowd control tactics.  Those with the largest weapons complained the loudest as they wasted no time physically beating themselves back for publicly demonstrating anger over planned cuts to public spending.

Alfred Fernandes, a 15 year veteran, described how he over-reacted to his part in the largely peaceful event by tasering himself as he tried to maintain order in the face of what he deemed to be his ‘threatening actions’.

Chaos in the streets

Indeed, many officers were left shocked at the extreme lengths they went to keep order among themselves.

There were even numerous reports of self intimidation, with one officer revealing how he stood in front of his mirror before leaving and threatened to ‘smash in my skull’ in if he even thought of joining the calls for the government put and end to debilitating cuts.

Marion Walters, 57, a tourist from Yeovil said it begged belief how the police felt it appropriate to go at themselves with such brute force.  “There are so many tourists here. What are they going to think?’”

The disturbing scenes sparked fierce calls for an enquiry into how members of the Metropolitan police would adequately protect themselves against themselves in the event of further demonstrations.

Scotland Yard commander Bob Broadhurst believed the first step would be to make sure all officers involved had a stern talk with themselves.

Gross misconduct

Broadhurst empathised with police who were victims of self-abuse, defending their right to protest un-self-molested as complaints continued to pour in.

“Never been treated so poorly!” blasted Constable Craig Marshall, one of the first to file an official complaint after placing himself in handcuffs for ‘no good reason’.

“I came out of nowhere,”  Marshall accused before adding: “when I laid hands on me I knew I had gone too far.  What gives me the right to manhandle myself like that?!”

He later defended his actions however,  insisting that he looked like a potential danger and was “pretty sure I had it coming.”

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PM Cameron Promises ‘Oil Rescue Effort Well Underway’

LIBYA – The UK government has drawn up plans with America to rescue millions of barrels of oil currently stranded in Libya.  The decision comes on the back of criticism that not enough was being done to see the safe return of Brent crude oil to British shores.

Amidst the political chaos, it’s thought as many as 1.6 million barrels per day could be left without a means of safe travel back to the UK.

PM David Cameron promised not to stop until every drop is safe and accounted for, announcing a specially commissioned fleet to be sent to rescue 50,000 barrels, see how the international market reacted and come back for more if it was required.


Eyewitness report seeing a number of barrels left cold, isolated and away from any water – perfect conditions for the storage of oil, but critics point to the 14 hour wait for a plane to arrive and take them home as ‘a waste of damn good fuel’.

“Let me be clear.  We are taking this matter very seriously,” said Mr Cameron who plans to talk with US President Barack Obama to determine an emergency strategy to evacuate a further 100 million barrels before the price reached ‘really silly’ levels.

Our correspondent visited the country and reported witnessing many ‘disenfranchised’ barrels of crude oil left unattended and looking ‘in desperate need of an internal combustion engine’, but otherwise holding out as well as could be expected.

Some of the oil is still in hard to reach place like still under the ground it was uncertain how they would manage to extract them.

‘This is our priority’

Several thousands of barrels who arrived back in the country on Thursday declined to give comment, surely the most damning indictment of the Foreign Office’s response being described by many as ‘disastrous’.

A lucky few to be rescued from the same off-shore rig yesterday were quickly airlifted to a nearby Tesco petrol station.

But with many barrels still to be brought home at an affordible price, the message from the coalition leader was clear:

“I want to assure those barrels still out there that your country has not forgotten about you and we are making every possible effort to see you on British ships and back on on British land and into British cars.”

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