Tag Archive | "protest"

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Santa’s Reindeer Call For Christmas Eve Strike Over Pay

SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans have been thrown into turmoil after Blitzen, Dancer, Prancer and other reindeer threatened Santa with strike action on December 24th.

The move was announced after the Sleigh Puller’s Union voted 8-1 in favour of a Christmas Eve fly out in protest over pay during the holiday period.

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Russia, Poland Slammed for Outbreak of Football During Mass Brawl

UKRAINE – The football administrations of Russia and Poland have been forced to apologise to extremist groups over an unfortunate breakout of football during mass street brawls this week.

Violent clashes between rival supporters were tragically halted when the respective football teams charged onto the field of play and engaged in an organised sporting contest.

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Wikipedia Outage Leads Students To Cut And Paste From Library Books

OXFORD – The 24 hour Wikipedia blackout has resulted in millions worth of damage as students cut and paste from library books to compete coursework.

Although a final damage assessment has yet to be completed, analysts are expecting upwards of £60 million in damages across libraries in English-speaking countries.

Early estimates suggest as much as a 15% reduction in the number of usable books worldwide over the day long protest against anti-piracy legislation.

Literary bloodbath

With the online encyclopedia out of action to protest SOPA and PIPA bills, educators have reported widespread submission of assignments that resemble a collection of ransom notes as student search for a new way to produce school reports using someone else’s work.

“I’ve never seen anything like it before,” claimed librarian Janet McDonald.  “They just came in a started ripping out pages like there was no tomorrow.”

As panicked students made use of alternative methods to complete assignments with only surface level knowledge of a given topic, damaged titles are thought to include works on the American Civil War, the battle of Hastings and several copies of  Romeo and Juliet.

Similar institutions across Britain and the United States have all reported the same scenes on Wednesday: young people swarming libraries armed with scissors and Pritt Stick.

‘Never again’

Oxford University English professor Daniel Edwards said their library “were still going through the wreckage,” and warned Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales against future action, suggesting the nation’s supply of books would not withstand another blackout.

With students unaccustomed to the notion of flicking through books, there has been a sigh of relief at the return of Wikipedia.  Many were stunned at the lack of search options available in the standard textbook that forced the readers to scan pages with their eyes to find relevant sections of texts.

“It was like stepping into the stone age,” said history student Simon Jefferies, a self-professed expert after scanning the Wikipedia page on the stone age “during lunch one time”.

While he supported the protest, Mr Jefferies also believed the crowd-sourcing site did not fully consider the impact their actions would have on education.

“Cutting and pasting from that book was a right bastard,” he recalled.  “I had to read about the whole of World War II just to find out what happened in the end.”

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Basildon Council Gently Reminds Travellers “Your Homes Have Wheels On Them”

ESSEX – Scenes of violence have been avoided after Basildon council reminded Dale Farm occupants facing eviction that their homes have wheels on them.

Basildon Council leader Tony Ball pointed out to angry residents that the place they sleep has no foundations and could easily be moved to another location “at the drop of a hat.”

Mr Ball was said to be pleased have prevented further conflict in a straightforward manner.  “All that was needed was to remind travellers their homes have four large wheels underneath them.”

An honest misunderstanding

Speaking at a press conference, Superintendent Trevor Roe said: “We were genuinely surprised at the reaction we got from them when we told them they had to move.”

“I mean, they’re travellers right?  It was as if an MP told us he wasn’t going to claim his second home on expenses,” said Mr Roe.

“That’s when it occurred to us that they must think their houses are built into the ground.”

The situation was helped further when a council spokeswoman met with protesters to demonstrate the finding.

“This truck is like your home you see,” she explained while wheeling a discarded Tonka Truck approximately one metre along the ground.  “It was over there.  Now it’s over here.”

Our correspondent, who is inside the camp as authorities were explaining the concept of wheels, described it as “a very surreal moment”.

“People who just moments before were scuffling with police just stopped dead in their tracks with a dumbfounded look on their faces.”

Situation resolved

One traveller on site replied “Oh yeah,” after hearing the news.  “I forgot.  Those wheels are quite handy now that I think about it.”

The reminder meant further scenes of chaos were avoided.  Another resident said she felt embarrassed having forgot her house could be rolled from place to place.

“You know, for a moment I did really did think it was rooted firmly in the ground – how silly of me.  I’ve had so much on my mind lately it didn’t occur to me.”

“I wish someone had told me before I set my home on fire.”

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London Riots Brought to Halt After Mums Deployed To Streets

LONDON – After four days of violence and chaos on London streets, the rioting has been brought to an abrupt end after Metropolitan Police decided to deploy a squad of mothers to disperse troublemakers.

It was hoped this level of response would not be needed, but Scotland Yard officials have given the green light to mobilise the elite team of enforcers, each armed with a cold stare and standard issue belt buckle.

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Police Protesters Slammed For ‘Excessive’ Force Used On Themselves

LONDON – The anti-spending cuts demonstration took an ugly turn after widespread reports of police offers using ‘excessive levels of force’ on themselves as they sought to keep their protests under control.

The Metropolitan Police have admitted to receiving an ‘alarming’ number of complaints following the self-inflicted violence that marred the protests in London on Saturday.

It emerged that every officer at the march put in a complaint against himself for using what was deemed to be heavy-handed crowd control tactics.  Those with the largest weapons complained the loudest as they wasted no time physically beating themselves back for publicly demonstrating anger over planned cuts to public spending.

Alfred Fernandes, a 15 year veteran, described how he over-reacted to his part in the largely peaceful event by tasering himself as he tried to maintain order in the face of what he deemed to be his ‘threatening actions’.

Chaos in the streets

Indeed, many officers were left shocked at the extreme lengths they went to keep order among themselves.

There were even numerous reports of self intimidation, with one officer revealing how he stood in front of his mirror before leaving and threatened to ‘smash in my skull’ in if he even thought of joining the calls for the government put and end to debilitating cuts.

Marion Walters, 57, a tourist from Yeovil said it begged belief how the police felt it appropriate to go at themselves with such brute force.  “There are so many tourists here. What are they going to think?’”

The disturbing scenes sparked fierce calls for an enquiry into how members of the Metropolitan police would adequately protect themselves against themselves in the event of further demonstrations.

Scotland Yard commander Bob Broadhurst believed the first step would be to make sure all officers involved had a stern talk with themselves.

Gross misconduct

Broadhurst empathised with police who were victims of self-abuse, defending their right to protest un-self-molested as complaints continued to pour in.

“Never been treated so poorly!” blasted Constable Craig Marshall, one of the first to file an official complaint after placing himself in handcuffs for ‘no good reason’.

“I came out of nowhere,”  Marshall accused before adding: “when I laid hands on me I knew I had gone too far.  What gives me the right to manhandle myself like that?!”

He later defended his actions however,  insisting that he looked like a potential danger and was “pretty sure I had it coming.”

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Colonel Gaddafi Calls On Nick Clegg To Quit

DOWNING STREET – Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has joined mounting international pressure calling for Nick Clegg to step down peacefully from his position as deputy prime minister before more ‘wanton ineffectiveness’ is spilled in the streets.

Nicknamed the ‘Dead Weight’ of the government, a loophole in democracy saw Nick Clegg complete an unlikely coup, rising from election loser to powerless co-leader overnight.

However, 2010 saw mass protests across many English territories as enraged demonstrators demanded he pay for his crimes of political impotence.  The eclectic leader said yesterday: “I can blame Bin Laden for the mess I’m in.  What the hell is his excuse?”

Colonel Gaddafi has been backed by leading international figures including United States President Barack Obama, who admitted that he also wasn’t sure what the purpose of Nick Clegg was.  This after German Chancellor Angela Merkel confessed she had mistaken him for the help during her last visit to Downing Street.

‘Disconnected from reality’

The gravity of the situation is perhaps most starkly reflected in Clegg’s belief that his plan for voting reform will be taken seriously – further evidence of a man that is “way off the deep end,” according to Gaddafi.

Sanctions have been passed by the UN to increase pressure on Clegg, with measures ranging from avoiding his phone calls and automatically deleting his emails, to establishing a ‘no talk’ zone in his vicinity.  Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his hope that “Nick would get the message soon enough.”

There could also be humanitarian intervention – a sit down with the Lib Dem leader to have a ‘frank and honest’ talk explaining that he is no longer serving any worthwhile purpose and should seriously consider packing it in.

Time to go

Additionally, military intervention has not been ruled out unless he could “demonstrate the value that he claimed to bring to the coalition in the very near future.”

Mr Cameron has already stated that while the situation was unfortunate, he wouldn’t stand in the way if someone where to ‘get rid’ of Nick Clegg.

Speaking via a translator, holding a bowling ball while wearing a multi-coloured clown wig, Gaddafi said:  “I have heard Clegg speak a number of times and I think he has lost his mind.  He is a man who has clearly lost grip on reality and is no longer able to acknowledge the facts around him.  Everyday he stays against the will of the people, he loses more dignity and respect .”

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Angered Smurfs Launch Anti-Government Demonstrations

SMURF VILLAGE – Tens of thousands of smurfs have gathered for a further day of enraged protests, calling for the ousting of the current smurf leadership.

In what has been described as an uprising of ‘unprecedented scale and blueness’, smurfs of all shapes and sizes, but identical fashion sense are angrily skipping with the single-minded aim of bringing down Papa Smurf’s autocratic regime.

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Drug Cartel Threatens To Quit Arizona Over ‘Anti-Mexican’ Law

ARIZONA – A Mexican drug cartel threatened to pull it’s business out of Arizona should the state continue to push its ‘hostile’ immigration policy. Ernesto Fonseca Carrillo, founder of the Juarez cartel made the warning from a local holding cell on suspected murder charges as well as failing to show valid documentation when requested.

The Juarez cartel, who make recruitment’s from local Home Depot parking lots, rely on a steady flow of illegal immigrants to replace employees who have been arrested, killed or promoted to higher management positions.

Mr Carrillo later told bail lawyers he was genuinely concerned that the SB 1070 act would discourage potential Mexican foot soldiers from the state, forcing him to look elsewhere for fresh recruits to fill departmental positions in drug trafficking, extortion and homicide.  “How can we expand our operations with loco laws like this? It’s not good for business homes.”

He also accused the state of unfair profiling based solely on whether someone was selling drugs to children or not.

‘Our business depends on them’

A number of rival drug cartel leaders have come out in support of Mr Carrillo, arguing that many of their business relies on the willingness of illegal immigrants to do the jobs no one else wants, mostly because we know where their families live. “Cutting the dope, running the guns, shaking people down…It’s dirty work but somebody gotta do it ese.” argued cartel leader Fransico Felix.

He added that is would be “very very regrettable” if Arizona continued to limit the capacity of his organisation to commit crimes against humanity, noting that they are prepared to relocate their offices – currently located in a one bedroom family home – to California, who are considered to be friendly to the illegal narcotic industry in comparison.

In a bid to prevent a potential exodus, Governor Jan Brewer defended the law by saying it was not intended to be discriminatory or damaging to business, especially one with such deep roots in the community.  She also reminded the Juarez cartel that there were many qualified Americans workers capable of running uncut cocaine and gun shipments around town.

This argument was however dismissed by Mr Carrillo who says the health insurance costs incurred by hiring American workers was even scarier than any law founded on racial profiling.

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Children Protest As Ahmadinejad Claims There Is No Santa

NEW YORK – A group of second graders and their parents have angrily walked out in protest after Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made stunning claims that ‘Santa Claus was not real’.  

The outburst came at a birthday party for eight year old Rachel McKenize inside a Chuck E Cheese restaurant where he claimed that Santa Claus was a commercial plot by western corporations – supported by the ‘Zionist regime’ – to boost the US economy.

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