Tag Archive | "prime minister"

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK


UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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Geneva Deal To Grant Nick Clegg Safe Passage Out Of Coalition


SWITZERLAND – A preliminary deal has been reached that could see Nick Clegg granted safe passage out of the Coalition government back to Liberal Democrat obscurity.

A framework is currently in place in which Nick Clegg would be freed from his powerless position as Deputy Prime Minister, escaping further ridicule and embarrassment, before the 2015 General Election.

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Government Calls on Santa to Get More Poor Children on Nice List


UNITED KINGDOM – The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice List after this year’s delivery of presents.

A recent Yuletide report has shown children from the poorest fifth of the population are much less likely to get on the list of nice children than those from the richest group.

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David Cameron Calls For Leveson To Add “Slap on the Wrist” Clause To Report


UNITED KINGDOM – David Cameron has called for a slap on the wrist amendment to the list of laws recommended in the Leveson Report into media ethics.

The Prime Minister, who is still looking for a way to avoid the issue of media regulation altogether, said the amendment “would go a long way to making a token gesture”.

Mr Cameron rejected claims he had dismissed the report too early, saying that he was simply putting it off it the hopes it would go away.

Minor changes

The amendment has been drafted by a joint committee of Conservative ministers,  and stipulates: “In the event of gross misconduct perpetrated by a media organisation including, but not limited to, hacking the phones of dead schoolgirls”, the government would be given “full authority to exert firm force on the upper portion of the wrist of said media organisation as a means of indicating its extreme displeasure at the aforementioned bad act.”

Any wrist slapping would be followed by telling the media organisation to “think long and hard about what they have done.”

Mr Cameron said with proper enforcement he was sure acts of gross misconduct like those uncovered during the Leveson inquiry would be a thing of the past.

“This is the right thing to do,” the PM said.  “It would ensure that problems are dealt with in the lightest of manners while giving the impression I was dealing with the core issue.”

Mr Cameron claimed the draft bill will allow future misconduct to be dealt with in principle “while keeping Rupert Murdoch happy.”

Opposition backlash

Opposition government rejected the proposals as weak and demanded the coalition take tougher measures to properly punish newspapers in a way they would feel, suggesting Mr Cameron send Nick Clegg to work for any organisation found to have run afoul of the guidelines outlined in the Leveson Report.

“What Mr Cameron has proposed simply doesn’t go far enough,” blasted Labour leader Ed Miliband.”Now is the time to take a strong stand against a culture of bad behaviour.”

“Sending Nick to work for just a week would show that this government was serious about enforcement.”

“No more empty threats.”

 

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Government Ditches Web Surveillance Plans, Uses Facebook Instead


UNITED KINGDOM – Relenting to public outcry, Prime Minister David Cameron announced the government will ditch controversial web surveillance plans and just friend people on Facebook instead.

The snooper’s charter was met with fierce criticism due to serious privacy fears, prompting the government to turn to the popular social network to do “pretty much everything we were planning anyway.”

The Home Office hailed the new scheme was vital to “investigate serious crime, terrorism,” and most importantly “knowing when an individual changed their relationship status.”

New plans

Under amended surveillance plans, ministers would friend everyone in Britain to gain the ability to see who a person had been in contact with, what sites a person visited and what the weather was like outside a person’s window at any given moment.

Home Secretary Theresa May earlier confirmed the existing Communications Data Bill would be replaced with Facebook’s privacy policy, admitting there was “no point in reinventing the wheel”.

She said the government wanted to avoid the backlash from concerned Britain’s while still enabling the government to find out every last detail of what you get up to on the internet.

And in direct response to privacy advocates, May suggested worried citizens start using Google+ if they wanted complete and utter privacy.

‘You can trust us’

David Cameron backed the proposals as “crucial to combating a new age of criminal threat that we must be ready to deal with” before leaning over to Nick Clegg and asking how to friend London.

Mr Cameron went on to say: “We acknowledge the criticism of the Communications Data bill but this government remains committed to providing security services with new powers to monitor internet activity.”

“Of course we understand the notion that someone would be keeping a constant watch on all online activity would cross the line into a dark place where the expectation of privacy is a thing of the past.”

He assured the public that “those plans have been halted and we’ll just follow you on Facebook”.

The Prime Minister was confident criminals now had no place to hide from the consequences of their illegal activities, “or their office Christmas do”.

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Hot Air From Global Warming Talks Now Leading Cause of Global Warming


DOHA – The world’s foremost climate change experts have warned the hot air produced from ongoing global warming talks has now become the leading cause of global warming.

The grim warning comes during the latest talks between leading nations which is expected to release an estimated 12 gigatons of hot air into the atmosphere over the next two weeks.

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Jimmy Savile Charity to Change Name to “Jack the Ripper Trust”


ENGLAND – The Jimmy Savile Charitable Trust is seeking to avoid controversy and change its name to the “Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust” after continued allegations of abuse surrounding the late DJ.

The trustees said they have been contacted several times about changing the name to something less controversial in light of the serious accusations of child abuse said to have been carried out by the Jim’ll Fix It host.

Prime Minister David Cameron has already labelled the claim as “truly shocking” and backed the use of the unidentified serial killer as a sound decision.

New beginning

In a statement the charity said:

“In the wake of the very disturbing and vile allegations made against the late Jimmy Savile, this organisation feel it best to distance itself from the negative press now associated with the Savile name and will begin referring to itself after Jack the Ripper instead.”

“We will continue operations as usual and look forward to a less controversial dealings in future.”

A spokesman for the Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust described the “logical move needed” to take some heat off the charity in the wake of Savile’s acts.

“We didn’t want to be caught up in this terrible situation,” explained Lee Welch who revealed other candidates for name included “Jeffrey Dahmer Trust” and “OJ Simpson Foundation.”

“With all the things they’re saying in the news, the Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust thought it best to go in a new direction with a name that is not as controversial.”

‘We don’t want trouble’

Mr Welch went on to say that “changing our name is something we never expected to do so it has been taken very seriously.  Maybe now we can move on from this with a clear conscience.”

Indeed, the change of name has already made a difference with prospective contributors.

“When I heard the news about Jimmy I was horrified.  Just horrified,” Claire Sheffield told reporters.  “It’s good the Jack the Ripper Charitable Trust is getting ahead of this.”

“I think the name change will make people much more comfortable donating.”

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Conservatives Charged With Keeping Liberal Democrats in Servitude


UNITED KINGDOM – Two members of the Conservative party have been charged with forcing destitute Liberal Democrats in servitude a court has heard.

Prime Minister David Cameron, 45, and his chancellor George Osborne, 41, were charged with multiple counts of keeping another party in squalid conditions for three years as a minority government.

The pair deny all charges, arguing the victims willingly entered into the arrangement.

‘No one should have to live like this’

Earlier this week, Westminster Crown Court heard that victims were made to serve a worthless position for no respect and slept in a constant state of insignificance.

The court was told both conservatives were guilty of conspiracy to prey on desperate men and women taken from the political wilderness and hold them in servitude.

“Their disdain for the dignity of others is hard to watch,” declared a judge who said their actions were “pure evil”.  He then stopped talking about the latest budget and resumed his commentary on the trial.

Witnesses had earlier told the court that victims were verbally abused, mostly by people who voted for them, and often subjected to ridicule for the amusement of others.

“What these people have done is beyond reproach,” blasted the judge. “When cold and calculating people take advantage of the weakest members of society in such a way it is up to the upstanding individuals to say no,” said Haynes.

Focusing on one victim in particular, he described how Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne “have forced ‘victim x’ to performing in an empty political role as Deputy Prime Minister day after day in the “cruelest” of fashions.

Poor conditions

The judge went on to say the pair should be ashamed to have treated another human being in such a way and if they had once ounce of mercy would call a General Election to put the victims out of their misery.

One man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told authorities how he managed to escape to the Green Party and described a life of being treated “like a Liberal Democrat” for an “unbearably” long time.

In his police interview which was played to the court, he said: “I didn’t like it but they said I couldn’t leave and said if I tried to leave we would never have a chance of Alternative Vote.”

The trial continues.

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MoD To Make Indestructible New Body Armour From Jeremy Hunt


UNITED KINGDOM – The Ministry of Defense has today confirmed it will begin producing the next generation of bullet proof armor from the same stuff that Jeremy Hunt is made of.

The announcement came after “extremely successful” trials during the Leveson inquiry in which Mr Hunt was subject to sustained, high velocity rounds of questioning over unethical behaviour and emerged unscathed.

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Leveson Inquiry: Sideshow Bob Questioned Over Phone Hacking


ENGLAND – Ex News International executive and professional clown Sideshow Bob is the latest individual to be called up to the Leveson inquiry surrounding ethics in journalism.

Real name Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, the former aide to Krusty the Clown has come under intense scrutiny over his role in the  News of the World phone hacking scandal.

It is not yet known who if any other characters from the Simpsons are involved in the ongoing investigation into News Corp activities.

‘BY LUCIFER’S BEARD!’

Sideshow Bob has twice been arrested by authorities investigating allegations of phone hacking, corrupt payments to public officials, and repeated attempts to kill Bart Simpson.

In each occasion he was bailed and has not been charged.

Early into proceedings, the committee heard details pf Sideshow Bob’s contact with the Prime Minister after the Yale graduate resigned from his role as chief executive of Rupert Murdoch’s British newspaper subsidiary following the scandal.

He said the message from David Cameron was “along the lines” of “keep your hair up”.

Sideshow Bob also received sympathetic messages from senior figures in 10 and 11 Downing Street, the Home Office, the Foreign Office and Springfield Mayor Joe Quimby.

However, he will not be questioned on any information that could prejudice outside trials related to his schemes to blow up then wife Selma Bouvier, or an alleged plot to detonate a nuclear device.

On his relationship with News Corp executive chairman Rupert Murdoch, Sideshow Bob said “on the big issues we had similar views” but they disagreed over issues including the environment, immigration and whether or not Bart Simpson should be allowed to live.

Probing questions

He said he spoke to Mr Murdoch “very frequently” but denied reports they went swimming together, arguing that the very notion was “preposterous” as he avoided getting his hair wet due to “quite horrific” consequences.

Displaying a combative streak, he sparred with the inquiry’s lead counsel, Robert Jay, often claiming that “this trial demeans you and I both, Mr Jay.”

He also suggested he suffered more criticism and gossip about his relationship with Rupert Murdoch because he had been a clown’s sidekick.

Sideshow Bob continues to deny any knowledge of phone hacking on his watch.

Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry witness list for next week has been published and includes appearances from brother Cecil and former co-worker Sideshow Mel.

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