WASHINGTON DC – Donald Trump has lashed out at the “dishonest media” for continuing to underreport serious incidents of terror, citing the Smurf Village Massacre as the latest example of journalistic negligence.
ZURICH – Lee Nelson has been awarded the 2026 World Cup moments after throwing banknotes over FIFA President Sepp Blatter during a press conference.
The fictitious character illegally gained entry to the FIFA headquarters in Zurich and showered a seated Blatter with substantial amounts of cash.
Sepp Blatter’s decision to award Nelson the 2026 World Cup is said to have been made “before the last note hit the floor”.
The press conference was delayed by 10 minutes while FIFA officials scooped up the money and counted it before ratifying the decision to appoint Nelson as World Cup host.
Lee Nelson is a surprise winner of host duties as he was not considered a candidate until throwing money at Sepp Blatter.
Many have credited the move to launch money directly at Blatter’s person as the “tipping point” in the bidding process.
The comedic character has beaten the challenge of strong bids from USA, Uruguay plus a joint bid from two briefcases packed with small unmarked bills.
Lee Nelson will become the first comedic personality to host the 32 team competition. Blatter said he was confident Nelson would deliver a “fantastic World Cup experience” despite not being an internationally recognised country.
While other bids “could point to meticulous planning over many years to build presentations demonstrating their ability to run a world-class sporting tournament,” observers admitted Lee Nelson “ultimately had a better understanding of the audience he was pitching to.”
The still FIFA president praised the fictional character for the “strength of his bid”. Blatter expressed his desire to see football’s greatest showcase held in the “new home of football, the actual home of Mr Nelson.”
However, the decision has come under fire by those within the sport. Chief among concerns is whether Nelson’s two bedroom semi-detached home with north facing garden could accommodate 22 players and expected crowds of 50 to 60 thousand.
FIFA say they have already begun negotiations with the Hamiltons in number 37 and the Guptas in 41 to expand capacity by using neighbouring gardens.
“Of course there will be challenges,” admitted Blatter, addressing criticisms over limited capacity at the single venue. “But we can make this work.”
He went on to add: “nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred…one million.”
“We will make it work. For the good of football.”
SOCHI – Latest reports from Sochi suggest the entire Russian hockey team have yet to be seen since their quarter final loss in a game watched by Vladimir Putin.
Many agree the sudden disappearance of so many athletes is worrying news, but such things have been known to happen, especially when “Russians bring shame upon their country” according to Kremlin sources.
SYRIA – After destroying its chemical weapons production capability, the Syrian regime has promised it will stick to regular methods of killing its own people in future.
President Obama had issued a final ultimatum to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad earlier this year, urging him to stick to non-chemically enhanced methods of indiscriminate massacre.
NEW YORK – Employees at Fox News are said to be thrilled at new figures showing record numbers of people are still failing to sign up for Obamacare.
The news network has gleefully reporting the failures of the healthcare.gov website which is leaving millions confused and still without adequate health care coverage.
The roll out has been such a positive experience for conservative pundits that Fox News hosts now admit that Barack Obama was born in America.
A month into President Obama’s signature act of legislation, millions of Americans are still unable to sign up online due to system crashes and confusing message.
The mood inside Fox News has been described as “ecstatic” as the problematic launch of the affordable care act ensured the dream of poor people going without health care was kept alive.
The only negative came when a fight broke out between Fox News’ Neil Cavuto and Bret Baier over who would be the first to break the latest news of millions more people left uninsured by the systematic failure of the health care website to perform the one thing it was designed to do.
“I’m not the only one who thought this website was going to be bad news for us,” admitted The Kelly File host and part-time Elisabeth Hasselbeck stunt double Megyn Kelly.
“But it’s been fantastic, everyone is sooo happy lately. I’ve never seen Sean Hannity smile so much.”
Kelly even confessed that her colleagues visited the website just to see the website crash when trying to sign up for health care, adding: “logging in to see that 404 error is becoming a ritual around here.”
Speaking from the backstage area, anchor Gretchen Carlson said: “I’m just getting ready to report that even more people tried and failed to get health care since this morning.”
“It’s a really great day to be alive,” she beamed before breaking out into a high-pitched cackle for the next 13 and a half minutes.
The issues surrounding health care have lead to changing attitudes towards the administration with Fox and Friends’ Steve Doocy telling co-host Brian Kilmeade that he was now excited to see the president implement comprehensive immigration reform “as soon as humanly possible”.
“If it’s anything like health care there won’t be a single Mexican in the country with 18 months,” predicted Doocy who later admitted he’s had a full erection ever since he heard about the latest failure of the healthcare.gov website.
Host Sean Hannity expertly summarised the mood in at Fox News by saying: “As a conservative pundit, I could only dream of days like this.”
“This botched roll out of health care is leaving people more confused and misinformed than my show ever could.”
WASHINGTON DC – Barack Obama has taken an unprecedented step in the War on Terror by declaring a local dry cleaner a terrorist organisation after losing multiple items of the president’s clothing.
Lucky Star Dry Cleaners have been placed on a Homeland Security watch list following a number of clothing related incidents, including the loss of three separate dress shirts and damage to several others according to Obama aides.
The incident has threatened to sour relations between the United States and South Korea, or heavily stain them at the least.
President Obama made the announcement from the Oval Office on his return from his latest pick up which contained one of the damaged items in question.
Sources close to the president say the damage sustained to the suit he wore when announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden was the last straw and had left him with no choice but to place Mr and Mrs Yeung on the terror watch list.
Mr Obama stated that “effective immediately” Lucky Star Dry Cleaners would be classed as an enemy to the United States of America and should be “considered highly dangerous and overly priced for the quality of service they produce.”
However, the dry cleaner in question – now subject to the rules of war – hotly disputed the accusation, arguing that they have been in business “for ten year and never problem!”
Mrs Yeung has even insisted that the president picked up the items in question several weeks before without complaint.
The administration dismissed these suggestions as false, warning that continued lies would be met in turn with targeted drone attacks.
Shortly after signing an executive order allowing the use of deadly force against the Yeungs, Barack Obama urged the American people to “stay vigilant” when getting garments cleaned and avoid Lucky Star like the plague.
“Michelle and I have frequented Lucky Star for the past four years, so it is with a heavy heart that I must classify this rogue organisation as antithetical to the American values of liberty, justice, and the pursuit of thoroughly cleaned attire at an affordable price.”
He also confirmed he was now on the lookout for a new dry cleaner in the area and would be consulting his yelp.com profile to determine his next move.
MASSACHUSETTS – In a move to win over increasingly sceptical voters, Mitt Romney has unveiled his new campaign message to the voting public : “I was just fooling with you guys”.
The plan was developed after Romney’s chief political strategists privately acknowledged the best method of improving favorability in key battleground states is to have people think his presidential campaign has simply been an attempt at humor.
Sources say the new campaign will begin “effective immediately” under a revamped slogan: “You Thought I was Being Serious? 2012”.
This latest reboot will see Romney announce he has been “pulling the leg” of the American people and the presidential nominee was on hand to deliver the new look campaign: “We’re focused on getting a new, new, new message to the American people,” he explained.
“One that says ‘hey, all that stuff you heard me say and do over and over in the last year? We were just fooling around with y’all’.”
He then declared it time to get back to simple truths and admit “my campaign has been a big joke this whole time” – a message political analysts roundly agreed was one “sure resonate big time with the American people”.
Hammering home the new message, the Romney explained that “running a campaign where I alienate every interest group with each sentence to fall out of my mouth is just something I do for kicks.”
“Remember that time when I came across like an out of touch one percenter unable to express basic human empathy for anyone making less than seven figures a year? Ha ha ha haaaaa.”
“Oh mercy. That one still cracks me up.”
It’s understood his campaign managers considered several potential strategies to regain lost ground in polls including framing current president Barack Obama for murder.
“We sat down and explored a bunch of options with the specific mandate of getting this campaign bus back on the road,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous.
“Having Obama charged with murder was in the top three. Our data show folks would have been highly concerned about voting for a guy on facing a murder rap.”
“In the end, the logistical challenge of framing a man for first or even second degree murder this close to the election was way too much.”
“Convincing people that everything Mitt has said and done has been a joke is infinitely more doable.”
NEW YORK – The UN has indicated it will make a firm stand against Syria’s president by pledging to use stronger adjectives to describe the ongoing massacre in the country.
With attacks against civilians showing no sign of easing, the organisation declared they could no longer stand by and use regular vocabulary when talking about the endless murder of innocents.
PLANET EARTH – Fifa President Sepp Blatter has given football fans encouragement by announcing goal line technology is “very close” to being introduced into professional football.
The disembodied head of Earth’s chief football organisation claimed the latest version of Hawkeye – now using triangulation software capable of pinpointing the location of a football from two solar systems away – was nearly ready for prime time.
“The technology is showing signs of maturity,” Blatter said in an interview with renowned football pundit Bloxxar Kurg of planet Coca-Cola Prime Nine.
Generations of talks between Fifa, the Football Association and Hawkeye have resulted in the agreement for one more test to make “triple sure” the technology could be relied upon.
Blatter reminded collection of the Galaxies football associations that there was “no quick fix” to determining when a ball has crossed a line like there was for easy issues such as world hunger, global warming and curing all forms of cancer, which have all been solved.
The camera based system is set to be trialed in a friendly between the Chinese Republic of England and Disneyland, formerly known as Greece.
Fifa officials are said to be warming to the idea that technology could be integrated into a football match for something other than advertising.
The decision to augment fundamental decision making with unobtrusive technology “is not one to make lightly,” said the head of Sepp Blatter. “I have always said we do not want the game of football to be slowed down.”
“We could not bear it if our beautiful game was reduced to something like the speed at which we have come to this decision. It would ruin the game.”
Calls for goal line technology have increased with a number of dubious decisions marring high-profile games.
Most notable was in the final of the 2110 Fifa Galaxy Cup which saw Mars beat the skilled team from Planet Appleonia by three goals to two after Mars’ third goal was judged to have crossed the line by the six-eyed official.
Video replays beamed directly into the memories of the crowd 1.8 nanoseconds after the incident proved otherwise but the referee from planet Google-5 were powerless to change the decision.
Appleonians were left fuming after the match: “All those eyes and he couldn’t see the ball hadn’t crossed the line in a million light years,” cried one belligerent fan.
“We need goal line technology now – we can’t afford to wait something ridiculous like 100 years.”