Tag Archive | "President Obama"

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White House: Media Not Reporting Smurf Village Massacre

WASHINGTON DC – Donald Trump has lashed out at the “dishonest media” for continuing to underreport serious incidents of terror, citing the Smurf Village Massacre as the latest example of journalistic negligence.

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Republicans Unveil Google.com As Obamacare Alternative

WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional House Republicans have unveiled their first genuine alternative to the Affordable Care Act: google.com.

Titled the “Just Google It” Healthcare Act, or “Googlecare”, the plan is set to put to rest ongoing criticism that the Republican party had up till now offered no practical alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act.

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All R Kelly Music Banned From Military Following Urinating Incident

WASHINGTON DC – Barack Obama has confirmed all of R Kelly’s music is to be banned from the military in the wake of an online video showing Marines urinating on dead Afghans.

Officials in the military have blamed the negative influence of the R&B star for giving the false impression that one could record themselves urinating on another human being and get away with it.

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Hackers Shut Down Mitt Romney’s Operating System

MASSACHUSETTS – The Republican race for presidential nominee took another twist last night after computer hackers reportedly hacked into Mitt Romney and shut down his operating system.

The attack is thought to have taken place during a press conference as Romney began reciting “garbled gibberish and programming code” in front of journalists.

Mitt Romney’s internal firewall was left unable to defend against external scrutiny, leaving his political campaign unit (PCU) incapable of generating vague and evasive non-answers to simple questions.

Made in Wall Street

The security breach marks the first time a hacking attempt on a public figure has been made since Keanu Reeves was jailbroken in a failed attempt to install a more life-like acting ability firmware.

Observers had initially assumed the former Governor was referring to his new tax structure when he shouted “0-0-0”, and thought he was actually laying out his plans for government when he repeated the phrase “error – immediate shutdown required” for 10 minutes.

“This is terrible news for Romneybot,” said political commentator Bill O Reilly, who believed there was now a genuine possibility of hackers uploading Romney’s political kernel into a non-Mormon humanoid unit – posing a serious threat to the former Governor’s chances of securing enough votes for the GOP nomination.

Those in Romney’s camp initially played down the breach as compromising “only a very small section” of his fresh ideas for government – but it was later confirmed that hackers actually got everything.

Mitt Romney’s campaign manager later acknowledged the severity of the hack in a statement, admitting they should have noticed signs of malfunction when Romney privately acknowledged the possibility that President Obama was born in America.

Inadequate security measures

Technology experts say hackers took advantage of Romney’s “simplistic security protocols”, to gain crucial login information before accessing his core operating system terminal through brute force methods.

“His password was ‘corporationsrpeople’.  Once the hackers got that they had complete access to his systems as well as his credit card details.”

The incident appears to have opened the door open for fellow candidate Rick Perry who is deemed too simple a system to be cracked with modern techniques.

Mitt Romney has since been returned to his manufacturer for urgent repairs and is expected to be wiped clean and reinstalled with the latest version of popular political soundbites.

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US Charge Colonel Mustard In Plot To Kill Mr Boddy

WASHINGTON DC – Attorney General Eric Holder today revealed that US authorities have broken up a plot by Colonel Mustard to assassinate Mr John Boddy in the Billiard Room using a Candlestick.

Mr Holder said the alleged plot was a “flagrant violation of dinner guest etiquette” before confirming the colonel had been taken into custody and charged with one count of conspiracy to murder.

Colonel Mustard continues to deny any involvement in the alleged plot.

Cold-blooded plot

FBI Director Robert Mueller said: “Though it reads like the outcome of family game night, the impact would have been very real.”

Colonel Mustard was apprehended at Mr Boddy’s Tudor Mansion in the late hours of Saturday evening following a prior gathering attended by Professor Plum and Mrs Peacock among others.

The FBI had initially suspected Mrs Peacock in the kitchen with a monkey wrench, but this proved to be a dead lead after she was found to be fixing a leak.

“This conspiracy was conceived in the ballroom, planned in the study and would have been carried out in the billiard room had our agents not intervened,” said the FBI chief in an extraordinary announcement.

Mr Mueller was confident that “after examining all available clues, the right man is now behind bars and a terrible plot to end a life has luckily been averted.”

Hillary Clinton, the US Secretary of State, condemned the plot that “crosses the line” of what it meant to be a respectable dinner guest.

“You don’t attend a party in one room and then try to kill the host in another. You just don’t.” said Mrs Clinton.

‘Must have owed him money’

Joe Biden, the US Vice President made clear that “the United States is committed to holding Colonel Mustard accountable,” insisting the global community was “behind us because they can see the same clues we can.”

It is not yet clear what motive Colonel Mustard would have to kill Mr Boddy.  Security experts are also unsure why he didn’t just use the revolver instead.

A spokesman for the White House spokesman admitted it took a while to figure out who the suspect was, but hailed the discovery as “a significant achievement by our intelligence and law enforcement agencies, and the president is enormously grateful for their exceptional work.”

It’s thought that President Obama would reward those involved in stopping the plot with an extra Get Out of Jail Free card at the next Monopoly night.

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PM Cameron Promises ‘Oil Rescue Effort Well Underway’

LIBYA – The UK government has drawn up plans with America to rescue millions of barrels of oil currently stranded in Libya.  The decision comes on the back of criticism that not enough was being done to see the safe return of Brent crude oil to British shores.

Amidst the political chaos, it’s thought as many as 1.6 million barrels per day could be left without a means of safe travel back to the UK.

PM David Cameron promised not to stop until every drop is safe and accounted for, announcing a specially commissioned fleet to be sent to rescue 50,000 barrels, see how the international market reacted and come back for more if it was required.


Eyewitness report seeing a number of barrels left cold, isolated and away from any water – perfect conditions for the storage of oil, but critics point to the 14 hour wait for a plane to arrive and take them home as ‘a waste of damn good fuel’.

“Let me be clear.  We are taking this matter very seriously,” said Mr Cameron who plans to talk with US President Barack Obama to determine an emergency strategy to evacuate a further 100 million barrels before the price reached ‘really silly’ levels.

Our correspondent visited the country and reported witnessing many ‘disenfranchised’ barrels of crude oil left unattended and looking ‘in desperate need of an internal combustion engine’, but otherwise holding out as well as could be expected.

Some of the oil is still in hard to reach place like still under the ground it was uncertain how they would manage to extract them.

‘This is our priority’

Several thousands of barrels who arrived back in the country on Thursday declined to give comment, surely the most damning indictment of the Foreign Office’s response being described by many as ‘disastrous’.

A lucky few to be rescued from the same off-shore rig yesterday were quickly airlifted to a nearby Tesco petrol station.

But with many barrels still to be brought home at an affordible price, the message from the coalition leader was clear:

“I want to assure those barrels still out there that your country has not forgotten about you and we are making every possible effort to see you on British ships and back on on British land and into British cars.”

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Man Who Played Barack Obama in 08 ‘Angered’ By Midterm Loss

CALIFORNIA – The man who played Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election has revealed his ‘deep anger’ over Barack Obama’s failure to capitalise on the momentum he created two years ago.

Speaking after a devastating midterm loss which saw the Democratic Party lose control of the House on Tuesday, Jerry Williams, a professional Barack Obama stunt double said it was hard watching all the good work he had done ‘pissed away’ by two years of limp governance.

“When they called me in to do this job, I thought they were serious about running the country,” recalls Williams. “To see them drop the ball like this…It just breaks my heart.”

The California native was roundly praised for his amazing work capturing the hearts of minds of an entire country with blazing rhetoric driven by a sense of hope, audacity and promise of change for the future, rallying frenzied support that saw a historic victory for the Democrat party.

He became the only African-American to be elected President of the United States who did not actually go on to become president, instead handing over control of the executive branch to Mr Obama for what Jerry Williams felt should have been a ‘slam dunk’.

“I served the country to him on a plate!” cried an increasingly agitated Williams who has found it increasingly difficult to get work.  “Kobe to Shaq alley-oop.  That was the game plan….Stick to the game plan Barack!”

‘He’s making me look bad’

Speaking at a press gathering, President Obama acknowledged Williams’ claims of dropping the ball, believing that the lookalike’s performance in  making the baseless promises needed to get voters eating out of his hands was proving a tough act to follow.

With thoughts now turning to 2012 election, Democrats have are internally considering hiring Williams a second time to rescue them from their current predicament.  A Robert Gibbs lookalike close to the out of work impersonator said he would be interested ‘only if the price was right’.

Should Obama’s stock fall any further, Mr Williams says he may be forced to have reconstructive surgery to reignite his career as a lookalike for a more popular African-American figure.

“It’s drastic I know, but I just don’t see any other way.  At the rate he’s going, I won’t be able to put food on the table for Anabelle [Michelle Obama lookalike] and the kids…I could do a great Denzel.  People still like him.”

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Trapped Democrats Hopeful of Election Success

DENVER – Barack Obama and 33 other Democrats have trapped themselves inside a Colorado mine in an astonishing attempt to boost voter sentiment ahead of November’s midterm elections.  It was feared the group fell victim to a tragic accident, with early reports suggesting they were underground searching for remains of the fortitude that saw them take control of the country in 2008 having failed to find it anywhere else since.

This theory was however dismissed by the president via video link from 1000 feet beneath ground, confirming the move is a calculated appeal to sympathy voters in a last ditch effort to counter a resurgent Republican base.

“This is a fine hole we’ve dug ourselves into…very fine,” commented an optimistic Barack Obama, who laughed away suggestions that digging yourself into a hole may not be the most sound campaign strategy.  “Look, we’ve lost the black vote, the center vote, hell we’ve even lost the Democrat vote.  We may as well just keep digging and hope things turn around.”

Surprisingly, Republicans have also backed the move making it the first bi-partisan agreement of Obama’s presidency.

‘It just might work’

In addition to the president, whose approval rating has plummeted faster than Mel Gibson’s chances of getting work in Hollywood, Harry Reid, Ted Strickland  and Nancy Pelosi are just some of the Democrats taking part in the unconventional campaign.  President Obama confirmed they would remain in the mine until a few hours before voting opens to capitalise on the ‘inevitable outpouring of sympathy’ from concerned onlookers across key states in which they currently trail.

Party supporters have been left confused by the strategy but were forced to admit that whatever the Democrats are doing would likely be an improvement over what they’ve been doing for the past two years, which pundits remarked as being like ‘watching a snake eat it’s own tail’.

It still remains to be seen what effect an extended stay in a hole this deep will have on party mentality.  Political analysts have voiced concerns the Democrats could become so conditioned that even if their audacious plan succeeds, they would just end up digging themselves into an even bigger hole in time for the 2012 elections.

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President Obama Fired After Rolling Stone Interview

WASHINGTON – Barack Obama has been forced to resign as US President after making disparaging remarks about Fox News’s journalistic integrity in a Rolling Stone article.

In the interview, he told the magazine that Fox News was ‘destructive’ for the long-term growth of America, and singled out Glenn Beck as a ‘clown’.

He went on to say that Fox News seemed more interested in boosting ratings through a distorted, fear-based narrative as instead of even the slightest semblance of fair and balanced reporting, a statement which sent shockwaves throughout the organisation for their accuracy, something Fox representatives say they were ‘disgusted by.’

A representative described Fox News chief Rupert Murdoch as furious after reading the article and demanded to see Obama in his office to discuss the outburst.

Murdoch explained Obama’s dismissal was needed to safeguard the security of the self-serving structure of misrepresentation that Fox News had worked ‘too God dam hard to see compromised by the truth’.

‘Now who do we compare with Hitler?’

Barack Obama has been crucial to the success of Fox News’s anti-Obama initiative and reporters within the network have questioned the decision, arguing he could still have been blamed for everything wrong with America.

Shawn Hannity called Obama “one of the finest presidential scapegoats this country has produced.”  Bill O Riley said it was sad to see his reign end ‘before we could transfer all the blame for Afghanistan to him.’

Murdoch accepted Obama’s resignation and in another stunning move appointed the president’s former Pastor Jeremiah Wright, whose expletive laced tirade proved a ratings hit for Fox during the 2008 election, as his successor.

He insisted it was ‘a change in personnel but not a change in policy’, assuring viewers they will continue exploiting every opportunity to undermine the administration by ignoring basic journalistic due diligence in pursuit of the perfect right-wing narrative.

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BP Call End To Flow of Negative Media Reporting On Gulf

LOUISIANA – BP officials have formally declared an end to the outpouring of negative press seen since an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig in April.   The incident saw an unstoppable stream of dangerously hazardous media coverage leak into newspapers, television and all over the internet, causing untold damage to the company’s public image.

Attempts to plug the stories started when news channels became distracted with Lindsay Lohan violating probation, while additional relief came when Paris Hilton was found to be in possession of cocaine. The leak was finally stopped last week when all anyone wanted to talk about was Lady Gaga’s meat dress, allowing the population to successfully forget there was ever oil in the Gulf.

Tests conducted early Sunday confirmed an end to any coverage on the inevitable long term damage to the Gulf Coast.  “The reports on the oil spill are now effectively dead,” said BP’s point man on the PR disaster.  “We’ve been tracking BBC, MSNBC and Fox and thankfully no one’s covering it.  I’ve heard CNN may run a special reports, but no one watches CNN anyway.“

‘Important milestone’

Outgoing chief Tony Hayward – criticised for suggesting all TV’s simply ‘be switched off’ to stem the flow of bad news – was pleased a permanent solution was found, but warned it could take a while until the stock price fully recovers.

Barack Obama hailed the news, declaring the crisis over and vowing to never mention the oil spill in the hopes that people would ‘just forget it happened’.  In a statement, he thanked all those who had “worked around the clock to dig up meaningless stories about Hollywood celebrities to ensure the Gulf news stories stopped leaking forever.”

The president also expressed hope that attention could now turn to capping the leak of stories about him being a Muslim.

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