WASHINGTON DC – In the wake of a web video showing Marines urinating on dead Afghans, Barack Obama has confirmed that all R Kelly music is to be banned from the military.
Officials in the military have blamed the negative influence of the R&B star for giving the false impression that one could record themselves urinating on another human being and get away with it.
“We’re not in Hollywood for crying out loud,” blasted Defence Secretary Leon Panetta. “This is the real world were there are consequences for pissing on someone – dead or alive dammit.”
Basic invasion etiquette
Having already banned all the musician’s “Trapped in the Closet” series for sending “the wrong message in the current political climate”, the Obama administration look to be clamping down even further.
While military personnel did praise the 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marines for their honest efforts to shoot Afghans, they were forced to admit “taking a whizz over the bodies was in bad taste.”
“When you invade a country and start shooting at its people there are rules to observe,” suggested Mr Panetta.
“They should have handled the situation more humanely and simply rolled the bodies into a ditch somewhere before moving on.”
As a precautionary measure, the Defence Secretary announced the military would also ban music from Michael Jackson “innocent verdict or not,” as the military “could not take any more chances with our conduct.”
The president expressed regret that the “actions of a few had damaged the impression of the United States military in a country were things were going so great with the locals.”
“This is hard for me,” the president admitted “I like some R Kelly. I Believe I Can Fly. Ignition. Those are great songs, we can’t have our troops copying every antic these people get involved with.”
However, the White House was quick to clarify the ban was nothing personal against R Kelly, insisting “the United States remains strongly committed to the rhythm and blues genre.”
A spokesman said work would now begin to return the relationship between the two countries to a more gracious time when Afghans were covertly bombed from the sky.
“The respectful days.”