Tag Archive | "parliament"

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High Speed Rail Plans Will See Government Fly Britons To Japan


BRITAIN – The British government has revealed plans to provide commuters with access to high speed rail will involve flying them to Japan to use the trains in that country.

Ministers announced the next stage of the HS2 project would rely heavily on taking passengers to their nearest major airport and providing subsidised airline tickets for “full and unfettered” use of a state of the art railway system the moment their plane lands.

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Anti Gay Marriage MPs Move to Keep Gay Divorce Illegal


UNITED KINGDOM – As the acceptance of same-sex marriage appears increasingly likely, opposing advocates say they will now do all they can to keep gay divorce illegal.

Conservatives leading the renewed charge say they will fight “tooth and nail” for the heterosexual right to sever sacred marriage vows, especially in cases where doing could boost celebrity status or land a substantial pay day.

Leading anti gay divorce campaigners are confident this would swing things back in their favour, “but not swing like in a gay way or anything.”

Sanctity of divorce

By shifting their focus to the act of divorce, protesters would now look to ensure gay men and women remain trapped in marriage “way past the point it was any fun.”

This pro-active move would keep the definition of divorce as the “union of man and woman up until the point said man and woman speak the words ‘eh, this isn’t working out anymore let’s call it a day’.”

“Gay marriage will only lead to gay divorce and that’s something we cannot allow to happen,”  explained anti gay divorce campaigner Ross Harlow.

“Divorce is a long-standing separation of two heterosexual people and the idea it would be anything else is something that must be penetrated and dismantled immediately.”

He then quickly clarified: “But not penetrate like in a gay way or anything.”

“We knew this was a possibility ever since our society started letting homosexuals dress straight men on TV,” confessed one MP who voted against the legalisation of same-sex marriages.

“Let’s see how they like gay marriage when gay divorce is not available to them.”

Straight and narrow

The legislation, drafted by a coalition of unhappily married MPs, would be pushed through Parliament in time for January 2015 and in time for the key divorce month according to most ex-husbands.

Conservative lawmaker Gerald Howarth was practical in his assessment but firm in this course of action, “but not firm like in a gay way or anything.”

He told Parliament that while they push throw an unholy mandate that will corrupt the nation, there was “nothing stopping us from trapping gay people in a loveless marriage for a lifetime.”

“We’ll let them get married, sure we will.  But they’ll never be allowed to get out.”

He added: “Mmmmwahahahaa!”

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David Cameron and Nick Clegg To Attend Relationship Counseling


UNITED KINGDOM – Coalition leaders David Cameron and Nick Clegg have agreed to seek professional help and take counseling sessions in a bid to repair their troubled relationship.

Following recent poor election results , the couple cited “political differences” and “budget issues” as primary factors in the current breakdown of their relationship.

The Deputy Prime Minister is also understood to have highlight a “lack of intimacy” during policy making sessions in Parliament.

Troubled waters

Though this week saw the pair renew their vows, relationship experts have dismissed the exercise as a sham.

“This is very typical behaviour,” said marriage counsellor Pamela Mitchell.  “When two people feel pressure to make their relationship appear copacetic they will often look to such grand public gestures like roses, balloons, or reaffirming political mandates expressed when they were first forced to meet.”

“But this outward show of demonstrating undying commitment to each others political views does nothing to address the issues below the surface.”

City businessman Michael Spencer suggested trouble has been brewing for some time after a dinner with David Cameron and other Tory donors.

“Nick wasn’t in the room and the money was flowing so I think Dave was more relaxed and said things he otherwise wouldn’t have – these things happen.”

During the dinner, the Prime Minister is said to have indicated a tendency by Nick Clegg to “nag nag nag,” adding: “As soon as I walk through the door that’s all I get from him.  Nag nag nag.”

Mimicking his deputy in a nasal tone, Mr Cameron continued: “‘But David, we can’t pass this health care bill in its current form, it’s not fair.’”

“’But David, we should at least consider the benefits of a pro-EU stance before distancing ourselves from its key leaders.'”

“Nag nag nag.”

For better or worse

Perhaps the most revealing comment came when the Conservative leader claimed: “It makes me want to hold snap election now and be done with it.”

Meanwhile, it’s understood the Deputy Prime Minister is unhappy at David Cameron’s inability to “really listen” to his issues.

Privately, Mr Clegg has told others he felt that “Dave doesn’t understand what I want…or maybe he does and just doesn’t care about me or my desire for alternative voting.”

“Sometimes after a long day when we’re talking about plans I have for government, I just see his eyes glaze over.”

“He always denies it, but I know.  Call it a deputy’s intuition.”

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Dr. Claw Defends Rupert Murdoch in Phone-Hacking Scandal


UNITED KINGDOM – Evil villain Dr Claw has defended of Rupert Murdoch after a parliamentary committee report insisted he was not fit to run an international corporation.

The leader of the international criminal organisation M.A.D. is among several well-appointed executives to send out statements supporting the 81-year-old News Corp CEO.

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Liberal Democrats Begin Search For Nick Clegg’s Spine


ENGLAND – Hundreds of Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidates are set to launch a country-wide search for deputy PM Nick Clegg’s spine.  

The party members have been concerned with the health of Mr Clegg since he joined the coalition government, and will start looking for their leader’s backbone which has been missing since folding on his pre-election pledge to cap tuition fees.

The spine, also known as the vertebral column,  is critical for supporting the weight of the head and provides structure to the body as well as giving the ability to maintain integrity under pressure.

Anatomically incorrect

Lib Dem candidate Derek Deedman has lead calls for Nick Clegg to make a stand for tuition fees and was surprised to discover the deputy PM was missing the vital organ needed to do so, saying: “Honestly, I don’t know how he survived this long without it.”

Worried candidates plan to attach photographs of Clegg’s spine on lampposts and milk cartons with the promised reward of ‘an affordable future’ should it be returned to it’s rightful owner.

“Nick’s spine is out there somewhere dammit, and we need to find it.  Who knows how much time he has before his body can no longer support it’s own weight.”

As pressure continues to mount on Clegg’s pelvis, the search will also involve a number of students also concerned over the location of his spine.  “We voted for Nick Clegg on the assumption he had all his vital organs in place so it’s imperative we find his spine, dust it down and shove in his back where it belongs. Maybe then I’ll be able to afford to go to university.”

Medical wonder

The party added that the stance was ‘not a rebellion’, they are just concerned that the man leading the party could literally fold up at any time like something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

However, Nick Clegg told this network that he was growing more ‘comfortable’ without a spine, claiming that he felt it wasn’t essential to living.

Doctors held hope that they would still be able to attach Mr Clegg’s spine, despite going 201 days without one. “Well, it is unprecedented to reattach a spine that has been outside the body for so long,” cautioned renowned back surgeon David Clarke MD.

“Having said that, it’s equally unprecedented for a man to go this long with no backbone, so who is to say what is medically possible anymore.”

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MPs to Public: Sorry For Getting Caught


The ongoing scandal over MPs expenses has given official the ideal opportunity to further hone their talents for extreme rationalisation of chronic lapses in judgement and pandering to the public.  The drama has shown members of parliament to be masterful artists when it comes to profligacy…their brush being tax payers cash.  The actions of one whistle blower have allowed all to marvel at the creative use of claims; from phantom mortgages to furnishing flipped homes to be sold at a profit the public would never see.  As a network we can only stand and applaud the effort but others were not impressed, despite embattled MPs constant assurance that everything was in the “spirit of the rules”.  As we strive to present the illusion of objectivity, I put aside my admiration and put the public sentiment to a serving member currently caught up in the scandal.

After guarantee of anonymity, we managed to get down to business.

[UK Correspondent] Before we begin, I’m told you don’t want your name in the interview notes?

[Unknown MP] Given the public reaction, I think it’s best I remain anonymous.

[UK Correspondent] Perfectly understandable, but I have to call you something?

[Unknown MP] I think Minister X will suffice.

[UK Correspondent] X for exploitation?

[Unknown MP] Just X.

[UK Correspondent] OK, Minister X it is.  Can you understand the criticism you have received over your adjudged misuse of the expenses system?

[Minister X] I think it’s important to remember that while I am truly sorry for being caught.  I should have been more discrete but no rules have been broken here.

[UK Correspondent] You don’t think the anger is justified?

[Minister X] John, John.  We are in the midst of an economic crisis and we must get back to serving the people who have funded us all these years…it’s only fair.

[UK Correspondent] Yeah…you’re not really answering my question, yes or no?

[Minister X] We need to focus on–

[UK Correspondent] Right, I’m putting you down for a “no”.  Moving on.  Often when tackling hot button issues we read emails to gauge public sentiment.

[Minister X] …OK.

[UK Correspondent] This first one reads: “This just backs up what I thought of MPs.  This abhorrent abuse of the system violates the trust of the people that voted and shows you and your kind to be nothing but a bunch of self serving, exploitational bastards and”— err, actually, it gets a little raw after this.

[Minister X] Maybe we should try another?

[UK Correspondent] It’s probably best.  This one says;  “I live on £120 a week, pay my taxes and am disgusted!  The fact that these people are able to subsidise their personal lives with our hard earned money is criminal and those guilty should be prosecuted as such”.  £120 a week!? I bet you claim more than that for light bulbs?

[Minister X] …I have a large home, it gets dark.

[UK Correspondent] I actually have a list of your claims here.  You have a chance to defend yourself.

[Minister X] I think you’ll find I am as straight as they come.

[UK Correspondent] One that immediately jumped out was £2,000 for maintenance of the moat at your county estate.  Now some may argue that there is no place for a medieval defence system in 21st century Britain, but I’m sure you have a good reason for it’s upkeep at tax payers expense?

[Minister X] Of course.

[UK Correspondent] And…

[Minister X] Huh?

[UK Correspondent] The reason?

[Minister X] I told you I have a good reason. There’s no need to crawl through every minutia of my claims.

[UK Correspondent] You also claimed £50,000 for a mortgage while your spouse – let’s say, Minister Y – claimed on the same house.  Can you explain?

[Minister X] That is an entirely separate matter.  What a man and his wife do together in their first and or second home is private.

[UK Correspondent] Even if they are public servants allegedly colluding to defraud the public?

[Minister X] Yes, those actions are protected by the sanctity of marriage.

[UK Correspondent] What about flipping your home, do you have any views on that matter?

[Minister X] …Is it on your list?

[UK Correspondent] Should it be?

[Minister X] Err…no, no.  Of course not.  No comment.

[UK Correspondent] Right.  A number of your colleagues have already resigned their positions as MPs.  Have you considered quitting?

[Minister X] Not at all.

[UK Correspondent] You don’t feel your actions have undermined your position as a person of judgement, morals or authority?

[Minister X] I feel as though the media has overblown this situation John.  The very fact that my indiscretions were strewn across tabloids demonstrates the lack of respect to privacy.

[UK Correspondent] But you’re public servants?

[Minister X] And we tried hard to keep this out of the public domain.  I didn’t even submit receipts for half my claims, so how did they know John?  No respect at all.

[UK Correspondent] How do you plan on restoring the confidence so utterly violated by endemic abuse of public money?

[Minister X] The system clearly needs changing John, that’s what people what to hear.  I’ve been using it for 10 of the best years of my life so I know what I am saying.  We need change.

[UK Correspondent] You had the chance to change the system when reforms were debated in parliament.  Why did you vote no?

[Minister X] Err…those changes weren’t…changey enough.  We need much more generic and rhetorical changes if we are to regain public trust.

[UK Correspondent] What about paying back the money back that you have claimed as some of your peers have done as an empty symbolic gesture in a vain attempt to appease a riled populace?

[Minister X] Exactly, and I have already sent the Inland Revenue a cheque for £102.11.

[UK Correspondent] Is that an admission of wrong doing? You said earlier you had acted within the rules.

[Minister X] It’s not a question of wrong doing…I just want to get people off my back.

[UK Correspondent] So you feel no regret?  Not even when facing your constituency knowing their hard earn money has financed your frivolous lifestyle?  You’ve never considered it…maybe whilst laying awake at night?

[Minister X] Look John. I’m truly sorry I was caught but there is no regret and no need to step down at this time.

[UK Correspondent] Will you wait until a general election so you can claim you £65,000 golden goodbye?

[Minister X] You know what John?  I know what you’re doing here.  I work hard MP’ing for almost half the year and I don’t deserve to be depicted as some out of touch elitist manipulating a system for his own gain…That’s so far off it’s laughable.

[UK Correspondent] I’m sorry you feel that way.  I thought we were making good progress in clearing your image.

[Minister X] No, I’m leaving. Now, my car’s parked outside so could I get a receipt for the…Actually, never mind.

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