Tag Archive | "osama bin laden"

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9/11 Anniversary: Bin Laden Dead, But Charlie Sheen Still Out There

NEW YORK – Barack Obama has warned the American people to stay vigilant, reminding the nation that although Osama Bin Laden may be dead “Charlie Sheen is still out there.”

Speaking at a ceremony marking the 11th anniversary of terror attacks on the country, President Obama made clear the threat that still existed.

“Last year we launched a successful operation to remove the head of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations. But we are not safe.  Charlie Sheen has a new show.”

This stark warning follows confirmed intelligence reports that the Hollywood actor is preparing to release another sitcom targeted at millions of Americans with cable.

New threat

With Anger Management picked up for 90 episodes, the president admitted the continuation of Charlie Sheen’s career has been one of his biggest failings during his first term in office.

In a poignant moment, relatives read aloud the names of those who have said they would “check out” the new show and held a minute silence for those lost to good television.

President Obama flexed his domestic security policy credentials and announced he would work tirelessly to see Charlie Sheen off screens “once and for all.”

“Somehow Charlie escaped his own self-destruction.  We don’t know if he had help from al-Qaeda or what,” said the president who outlined the scale of the threat posed by Sheen’s generic base humor and overacting.

“We accomplished much in almost four years,” began Obama.  “We reformed healthcare.  Meaning little Susie can get the treatment she needs regardless of pre-existing conditions.”

“Thanks to the bailout of the auto industry General Motors are open for business and Mom and dad can ride little Timmy to school proud to know that car was built right here.  In these United States.”

“But what about little Eric?  He’s still forced to watch this maniac play the exact same character no matter what show it is and that’s just not good enough.”

‘We have options’

Obama went on to pledge to rid TV of the lowest form of pre-scripted, mindless, manufactured mental corrosion next to Fox News.

He offered a positive note however, saying the U.S. has emerged “even stronger” following nine seasons of punchlines you can see coming a mile away.

He declared to a rapturous audience: “Why, just yesterday I watched Breaking Bad just and let me tell you America.  The state of our TV is strong.”

“And if we can survive the Kardashians, we can survive this.”

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“Al-Qaeda May Be Plotting To Fund Future Series of The Kardashians,” Warn FBI

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a troubling statement, the FBI have warned al-Qaeda may be preparing renewed attacks on the United States, possibly by funding future seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Officials are on high alert on the anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s death.  Endless adventures of the Kardashian sisters could be the most deadly attack on a western nation since IRA militants attempted to keep Big Brother on air in the UK, a plan foiled when Channel Five bought the rights to air the show.

President Obama has been briefed on the possible threat and kept from watching E! for his own safety.

New terror alert

The new concern is based on information the terrorist organisation may be building a “war chest” of funds to make sure that The Kardashians continues into seasons eight and beyond.

Robert Mueller, director of the FBI was frank in his assessment:  “We don’t want to alarm anybody, but our simulations show if al-Qaeda help produce continued inconsequential adventures of this family of narcissistic attention seekers beyond seven seasons the country will not recover.”

Ayman al-Zawahiri had promised retaliation for the death of Osama Bin Laden, and it’s thought ensuring the nation is preoccupied with which basketball team the Kardashian sisters were sleeping with would be considered a suitable response.

Mueller claimed this particular threat was troubling as it would be able to bypass traditional defences and hit the mental faculty of millions within a three metre radius of their televisions.

A White House counter-terrorism advisor has already suggested protective measures against continued exposure to the Kardashian family – advising immediate viewing of C-SPAN if exposed.

‘We will remain vigilant’

Such an attack would be a departure from historical methods, but security experts say if successful could do more lasting damage, suggesting “our grandchildren will be many times dumber than we are now.”

“If al-Qaeda launch an attack to continue funding this show it could reduce our ability to think beyond a third grade level.”

“The country’s infrastructure would be set back decades, in that the country would lose the mental capacity to even build infrastructure for decades.”

Playing down fears, Department of Homeland Security spokesman Peter Booguard said authorities have “no indication of any specific credible plots or threats tied to the Bin Laden anniversary.”

He did however indicate that should future series of The Kardashians be green lit, Seal Team Six would be on hand to neutralise the threat to American lives.

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SEAL Team 6 Successfully Pick Up Obama Daughters From School

WASHINGTON DC – U.S. Special Operations forces have successfully picked up the president’s daughters from school in the kind of daring raid the Obama administration has said “ensures the girls get home in time for dinner”.

President Obama authorized the mission by SEAL Team 6 last week when he noticed the late return of both Sasha and Malia from Sidwell Friends school “for the third or fourth time this semester.”

News of the team’s success reached the president before diner time and allowed the family to enjoy a meal of spaghetti and meatballs together.

High value targets

The president called the mission “yet another message to the world that when school ends at five, we expect the girls home by five thirty.”

Officials said the raid, by members of the same SEAL Team 6 unit that killed Osama bin Laden, demonstrated President Barack Obama’s focus on family meal time.

Roughly two dozen SEALs parachuted from an Air Force special operations plane to a location two miles from the athletics field as the girls were finishing P.E.

Reports confirm the commandos “entered the vicinity of the compound at 1600 hours,” at which point they “secured the immediate area before maneuvering to the north side of the cafeteria.”

From there “they made their way through the library and reached Mrs Simon’s history class using the latest breach and entry techniques in time to load the girls into a helicopter waiting on the roof of the gymnasium.”

SEAL snipers had been staged to protect against hall monitors, though a U.S. official confirmed the fake hall passes deployed by the team meant use of live ammunition was not required on this occasion.

Mission accomplished

“As a parent, I could not be prouder of the troops who carried out this mission,” Obama said in a statement released by the White House.  “Michelle was not going to tolerate the girls coming home late again on another spaghetti and meatball night.”

The president also apologised for the injuries sustained by little Timmy Brennan during the raid.

Head of school, Tom Farquhar did question whether the mission was necessary as “we could have let the girls go a little earlier than the rest of the class if it was a problem.”

Following the successful mission, Barack Obama went on to indicate he would consider deploying SEAL Team 6 again the next time the girls’ piano lessons ran over time.

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White House Names Armed Predator Drone As Person of the Year

WASHINGTON DC – The White House has selected its person of the year, giving the distinction to the individual they feel has had the most impact throughout the year: The predator drone.

Controlled by remote control from miles away, the unmanned aerial vehicle has proved itself “indispensable” when it come to raining fiery death in the general vicinity of something that resembles the enemy.

The predator drone beat out worthy competitors such as the gun that killed Colonel Gadaffi and the heart attack to claim the top prize.

There was also an emotional nod for the towel and bucket of water, the duo finally credited for their years of “tireless” work uncovering the location of Osama bin Laden.

Runaway success

United States Air Force Chief of Staff General Norton A. Schwartz said the predator drone tireless efforts were “transforming the way we shoot things like it was on Xbox”.

Officials said award reflected the importance of the drone in 2011 from the hills of the Middle East, to the caves of the Middle East and the shanty towns of the Middle East.

General Schwartz was glowing in his assessment:  “The predator drone has truly changed the face of fighting terror.  At least I assume that’s the face…it’s really hard to tell from so far away.  It could be the back of the head.”

He later clarified “The predator drone has truly changes some part of the anatomy of fighting the war on terror.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said it was a tribute to bringing the real meaning of “oh sh*t!” to the Arab world.

President Obama also heaped praise on the UAV MQ-1 Hunter/Killer drone that had “shown its value time and time again first in Afghanistan, then in Pakistan, in Yemen, and back around to Afghanistan again.”

Worthy recipient

Although the drone suffered a recent setback after being downed in Iran, this was not enough to “undo the great work in collateral damage it has done consistently up to now.”

There appeared to be consensus about the awarding of the prize to the drone the White House agreed though for short time,  captured the full attention of everyone it met like no other candidate since the atomic bomb.

“In fact we couldn’t find one living person that was against the choice of the predator drone as the right choice,” claimed Obama.

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“Al-Qaeda Planning 9/11 Anniversary Dinner” Says Homeland Security

WASHINGTON DC – US security officials have leaned that al-Qaeda are planning an ‘ambitious’ dinner ahead of the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, “possibly on a rooftop or in a candlelight room somewhere.”

The announcement comes as chatter caught by the FBI shows the radical group to be in the “advanced stages” of a plot to host an elaborate meal to celebrate the occasion.

Only sketchy details have been given over the nature of the meal and security authorities emphasised that while the intelligence was uncorroborated, “we think it’s a seven course meal with a fish or steak based main course.”

A White House official confirmed the president had been briefed on the dinner plans earlier in the day.

Special occasion

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano called the threat “the biggest plot we have seen from this organisation since their failed attempt to arrange a movie night earlier this year.”

She told reporters there had been “a lot of chatter” surrounding the topic of table settings and plate arrangements, but now details on specific menu items are beginning to emerge.

There are have also been unconfirmed reports of three chefs with links to al-Qaeda entering a US based culinary institution in August to learn skills necessary to prepare the landmark meal.

This, coupled with several best selling cookbooks retrieved from Osama bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound in May, suggests the former al-Qaeda leader planned to put on a “lavish feast” to mark the 10th anniversary.

Several pages were also said to be smeared with tomato and herb sauce: A clear sign the plot had moved past planning stages.

‘We must remain vigilent’

Officials believe new al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri will look to pick up where Osama bin Laden left off.

It’s likely the meal would be put together the night before, slow roasted overnight , then deployed during Sunday afternoon when it would have maximum flavour.

“Al-Qaeda has shown an interest in important dates and anniversaries so it’s no surprise they would plan something of this nature.  A rooftop is likely, but a quiet candlelight enclosure would be more romantic,” Napolitano suggested.

“We are positive they will not forget to do something special for their 10 year anniversary.  Unlike some men I know.”

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US Punishes ‘Naughty’ Pakistan, Cuts off Allowance Money

WASHINGTON -The United States have confirmed reports that it is to cut off Pakistan’s $800 million allowance ‘right this minute’, warning that it would also be grounded for up to a month for ‘bad behaviour’.

The tough stance came after Pakistan reportedly ignored a series of public warnings to obey the ground rules which included taking out the trash, eating it’s vegetables and stop aiding and abetting known terrorist organisations.

White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley told reporters: “We said in no uncertain terms that they could not see al-Qaeda anymore and then we find out they’ve been hiding Osama bin Laden in their room for God knows how long!”

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New al-Qaeda Leader Starts Small, Stages Attack On US Mailbox

WASHINGTON DC – New al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has reportedly claimed responsibility for a ‘devastating’ attack on a US mailbox.

In the first successful terrorist attack on US soil since 2001, the Washington mailbox is said to have had as much as 20 pounds of ‘unidentified’ feces deposited into it in the early hours of Thursday morning.

The damage was discovered during a routine collection by USPS employee Dave Phelan, still shaken from his ordeal.  “I reached in to get the mail like I always do and felt…oh God, I can’t even stand to think about it.  Turn the mic off, please.”

‘It’s ruined’

A video featuring a buoyant al-Zawahiri was posted on Jihadi websites shortly after the attack and claimed responsibility for what is being described as a “marginal disruption to a small section of the nation’s mail delivery service.”

“We did this,”  began the al-Qaeda number one.  “Your mail is covered in doo doo because of our brothers in Jihad.  Osama [bin Laden] may be dead – God rest his soul, but we have the means and the fibre to continue striking your homeland.”

The ramifications of al-Zawahiri words remain fresh in the minds of the nations top security personnel.

“Make no mistake, this was a well planned and executed attack on US soil that has left large sections of mail undeliverable,” admitted Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, describing the attack as “just plain nasty.”

Prehaps most damning, was the fact the attack occurred only 37 miles from the White House, the implications of which were not lost on CIA director Leon Panetta.

“What if this has been the President’s mail covered in doo doo?!  We’re looking at a steaming pile of extremism and it doesn’t look good.  It doesn’t look good or smell good at all.”

Further attacks

Security was immediately raised around all US mailboxes – a clear sign of the wariness gripping the country following such a pungent attack.

Terror analysts believe this act could be “just the start” of a string of minor felonies perpetrated by a rejuvenated al-Qaeda.

“This shows that they are not done by any stretch of the imagination.  We’re still venerable to this kind of attack and they know it,”  said Panetta.

“I mean, It’s going to take ages to clean that doo doo out of the mailbox.”

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KFC Double Down Becomes New al-Qaeda Leader

AFGHANISTAN – After weeks of speculation, a number of sources are confirming the appointment of the KFC Double Down as the new leader of al-Qaeda.

A surprise candidate since coming onto the terrorism scene in 2010, the Double Down – a sandwich where the chicken is the bread – already boasts an impressive record of contributing to heart failure and ends the search for a soulless leader with no qualms about taking American life to succeed Osama Bin Laden.

Other considerations for the position included long time second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri, a gallon tub of bacon grease with a straw, and Ashton Kutcher – who instead decided to attack Americans by continuing on from Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men.

New kid on the block

Though many agreed it lacked the charisma or tactical awareness of its predecessor, it’s prowess in the global Jihad to prematurely end American life was unquestioned and even received the nod despite containing ‘worrying’ amounts of bacon.

Department of Homeland Security spokesman Matt Chandler warned: “Bin Laden may be dead but al-Qaeda hasn’t changed: they want to kill us, and this appointment shows they are deadly serious about that goal.”

At 450 calories, the Double Down is something to fear, according to terrorist researcher Matt Davis who observed what he called a shrewd move by the terrorist group.

“It’s no mistake that such an obviously unhealthy sandwich got the job.  This thing is a killer and is capable of taking life en mass.  Plain and simple.”

He went on to acknowledge that “the Double Down has already infiltrated the American diet,” and is so able to strike at heart of the America, as well as the arteries of America and general area of the gut of America for “maximum long-term damage.”

‘They’re serious like a heart attack’

US agencies are on high alert in anticipation of an attack from Bin Laden’s successor.  It’s thought al-Qaeda will attempt to avenge the killing of their former leader by executing a ‘mega-attack’ – likely in the form of a 2 for 1 deal with a free large soda.

In anticipation, authorities have intensified security at various key installations: the route to and from their nearest participating restaurants.

Strangely, the sandwich itself has yet to comment since being appointed al-Qaeda leader, but one extremist whose name this network could not spell said: “It does not have to say anything.  It can just let the unsaturated fat and high salt content do the talking.”

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Winklevoss Twins Sue White House Over “Our Idea To Kill Bin Laden”

NEW YORK – In a surprising development, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are set to launch legal proceedings against Barack Obama, accusing him of stealing their idea to kill Osama Bin Laden.

The identical twins say that after the 9/11 attacks, they discussed their intentions to ‘seriously get that guy’ and came up with a plan that involved locating and shooting the terrorist leader in the face.

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Donald Trump Demands Bin Laden’s Death Certificate

WASHINGTON DC – White House hopeful Donald Trump has launched an unexpected attack on Osama Bin Laden, demanding he release his long form death certificate to prove he is really dead.

Osama Bin Laden has claimed to be dead for over 72 hours since being killed by US special forces over the weekend.  More than enough time, according to Trump, for him to produce documented evidence of his demise and put the matter to rest.

“He was shot in the head and his body thrown out into the ocean, sure…but who’s seen the death certificate? What’s he waiting for?”

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