Tag Archive | "opposition leader"

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Japan PM Quits After Losing 12 Consecutive Street Fighter Matches


TOKYO – Japan has been left reeling following news Prime Minster Yoshihiko Noda has quit after an embarrassing run of consecutive defeats in Street Fighter 4.

Mr Noda’s efforts in the popular arcade fighting game were widely accepted as shambolic and immediately lead to calls from opposition leaders to resign.

Calling his performance “a disgrace”, the head of Japan’s Democratic Party apologised several times and stepped down from his position after only 36 days as Prime Minister.

His opponent, local teenager Kazaki Sato, also criticised the Prime Minister’s over reliance on basic punch and kick moves in a session that saw Mr Noda suffer the humiliation of four perfect rounds.

Unacceptable

The 54-year-old described the moment he was hit with Ryu’s Ultra Combo Metsu Shoryuken for the fifth time as the “worse of my political career.”

Opposition Liberal Democratic Party spokesman Yuriko Koike condemned Japan’s leader for “bringing dishonour to his station by sticking with M.Bison for so long.”

He continued: “He could not pull off a single combo.  It was how America say, ah ‘ass-whooping’.”

Although not in attendance, the Emperor of Japan agreed the Prime Minister’s showing at the Shibuya arcade and Pachinko parlour was “unacceptable for a man of such high office.”

“I have heard the reports.  He was all over the place and has shamed us all,” criticised Emperor Akihito, who said he now regretted his appointment of the Prime Minster.

The scandal is considered the biggest embarrassment surrounding a Prime Minster since 1989 when Sosuke Uno suffered ten straight defeats in Punch Out!!

Prehaps unsurprisingly, Mr Noda admitted he was unsure how to do a Dragon Punch when quizzed after his defeat – an admission that has left many to question how he made it to one of Japan’s highest ranking positions in the first place.

‘A child could have done better’

Although troubled by the loss of another leader in government after such a short time, citizens were left with no choice but to agree after learning of the dismal streak.

“Government is no place for those with no skill in Street Fighter,” said Internal Affairs Minister Tatsuo Kawabata.  “If this was Dead or Alive we could forgive him, but no.  No, he had to go.”

In a bid for political continuity, the Democratic Party announced it would immediately hold a Street Fighter 4 tournament to decide Mr Noda’s replacement.

Emperor Akihito declared it to be “the only way we will avoid making this tragic mistake again.”

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Ed Miliband To Be Replaced With Cardboard Cutout Of Ed Miliband


ENGLAND – Unconfirmed rumors have suggested leading Labour members are set to replace Ed Miliband with a cardboard cutout of Ed Miliband in a move to inject much needed dynamism into the party.

Multiple anonymous sources from within the party say the decision is a ‘done deal’ and would be announced as soon as the life size cutout of the opposition leader is printed and delivered to Labour’s headquarters – 7 to 10 working days according to factory estimates.

The six week old piece of corrugated cardboard – from a factory in Middlesbrough – will feature a full colour print and unlike the current leader, will come with an all-weather coating to prevent water damage.

Cardboard Ed

After numerous questions over Ed Milibands ability to inspire voters, Labour members are said to want a leader ‘with at least two dimensions’.  There is a firm agreement that the inanimate piece of cardboard will do a better job as a leader than it’s flesh-and-blood counterpart.

One MP – who wish to remain anonymous – said: “We’re not blind to the facts.  We desperately need someone exciting, someone with fresh impetus, and this piece of cardboard could be just the shot in the arm Labour needs right now.”

Publicly, Mr Miliband has dismissed any speculation he could be replaced by a life-sized replica, but is privately said to be ‘sweating buckets’ over the prospect of a more colourful, capable and foldable replacement.

Concerns the cutout would be unable to articulate any workable solutions for bringing the country back to growth, but MP’s have already suggested “the ideas for governing the country be printed on the back side of the cutout so they would be easily seen as right now, we don’t know were the hell Ed keeps them.”

‘A new, more dynamic leader’

With a new strategy seemingly  in place, Labour members are understandably confident of claiming back power with a cardboard cutout of Ed Miliband at the helm.

This is due to the included ‘proper sturdy’ stand attachment which they believe will provide their new leader with more backbone than Nick Clegg, in addition to the advances in digital printing technology which will allow the printed image to convey empathy for working class Britain more convincingly than David Cameron.

“I was sceptical about the whole idea at first, but then I was shown the mock-up of the cutout and I must say…it looks mightily impressive and only cost us 25 quid.”

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