Tag Archive | "obama"

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Glenn Beck To End Show, Runs Out Of Things To Compare To Hitler


NEW YORK – Glenn Beck is set to end his daily Fox News program this year after admitting that he has run out of things to compare to Hitler.

Glenn Beck said he initially took the job at Fox News in an attempt to persuade audiences that “everything, somehow is connected to Nazi Germany,” but inside sources are now suggesting “he may have reached the human limit on the number of scenarios that can be compared to rise of  fascist dictatorship.”

Roger Ailes, CEO of Fox News said, “Glenn knows how this works.  We give him an hour and he gives us a dozen comparisons between Obamacare and how Hitler killed a lot of Jewish people.  If he’s not able to do that, we have to question the value of the show to the network.”

‘It’s all connected’

Mr Beck rose to fame in 2008, giving a voice to disaffected Americans deeply troubled by seeing a black president not being played by a television actor .

It’s also thought there was resentment from the network’s financial department for pushing the chalkboard budget “beyond any reasonable limits”.

“The whole point of these things is that you can wipe them off and start again.  What does he need a dozen for?  We’re not made of money.”

Offering a conciliatory tone, a Fox News statement read:

“The foundation of this network is built upon how many Stasi references we can conjure up to back our pro dictatorial regime comparison news initiative.  Glenn knows this and is aware that he has fallen short of the expectations set by Fox News.  This is not the end, but a chance for Glenn to address this failing and we hope he can bounce back with more Hitler references than ever before.”

End of the road

His last significant discovery of note, came when breaking the story that “George Soros, the price of gas, stamps and curly fries were connected to workers unions which in turn linked back to the acorn in my back yard which clearly has something to do with the rise in socialism that will set the stage for a takeover of American values by secular radical Islamists lead by a Marxist Muslim Communist president.”

“Is it just me that sees this?” questioned a tearful Beck while holding a Raggedy Ann doll upside down.

Executives are considering replacing his slot with an hour of attractive blondes drawing Hitler moustaches on life-sized photos of Barack Obama.

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Sarah Palin Visits Zoo To Boost Foreign Experience


CALIFORNIA – Following recent trips to India and Israel, Sarah Palin has made a visit to San Diego Zoo in a last grasp effort to gain foreign policy experience. 

For the former Alaska governor, the trip to San Diego Zoo – which provides access to animals from Africa, Europe and Asia among others – offers a chance to distinguish herself and at the same time burnish her famously weak foreign experience as she hits back at criticism over her lack of world experience.

The former vice presidential candidate also bought a Churro which she was sure came from Mexican.

World traveller

“This park has over 800 species from all over the globe,” she noted while reading the trivia on the back of her day pass.  “Has Obama been to see the Hissing Cockroaches of Madagascar?  I don’t think so.”

It’s thought that the trip has been panned ahead of a presidential run, which politcal analysts say could prove a masterstroke as it allows her to visit some of the most foreign places on earth within the zoo’s 9am to 6pm opening hours.

The Sea Lions Rock! show was supposed to be her first visit of the day, but she was turned away as the animals were said to be ‘feeling poorly’ that day.

However, poor scheduling meant they missed the Dr. Zoolittle Children’s Show.

It is unclear whether Mrs Palin and her team failed to realise that the show is scheduled for Saturdays and Sundays only, a mistake often made by foreign tourists, though not so often by visiting politicians.

‘Nothing but a photo opportunity’

In a controversial moment, she warned about the growing threat of China after seeing Bai Yun – a giant panda – in the flesh.

“It’s huge!” was the astute claim from Palin. “And did you see the way it ripped through bamboo?  Gosh, we better watch those Chinese guys eh.”

Though the trip has come under fire as a desperate and opportunistic attempt to look like a globally savvy statesman in the most harmless and controlled manner, critics we forced to admit that she had at least spent more time at the zoo than as Governor of her state.

Mrs Palin expressed her thanks to staff for keeping the park open an extra hour so she could complete thier tour, which included holding session with a pack of Kangaroos, settling a dispute between Indian Tigers and African Bonobos, all before getting her picture taking with reindeer from Northern Europe.

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UN Security Council Criticises Sun’s Nuclear Program


SPACE – The United Nations Security Council is said to be ‘considering all available options’ after the biggest nuclear demonstration in four years saw the Sun unleash a brazen display of offensive attack not seen since Christian Bale’s eye line was momentarily obstructed.

The ‘hostile actions’ from the molten ball of fire have unsurprisingly been met with concern from leading UN members over the motives of it’s nuclear energy program.

This after launching waves of charged particles from electrified gas into space and toward Earth with ‘blatant disregard’ for UV levels.

Provocative action

Experts say the Sun may have been secretly developing its nuclear program for as long as 4.5 billion years, leading to the logical conclusion that it is now actively engaged in developing a nuclear weapon ‘in broad daylight’.

Despite multiple calls for an explanation into last week’s events, the Sun has so far failed to issue a statement regarding its nuclear intentions.

Any display of force could disrupt communications systems, satellites and electrical power grids – potentially leaving millions without the ability to play Playstation.

Hesitation to provide details has put a question mark on its previously assumed peaceful intention of providing life on Earth, with US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton claiming “we are now seeing the sun’s true colours come out…and they’re not yellow with a smiley face like it would have us believe.”

The Security Council have already expressed interest in sending a special envoy to open dialogue with the celestial body.

However, the Obama administration believe the Sun has intentionally made conditions on the ground impossible for weapons inspection, another sign it may be hiding nefarious ambitions as it continues to ramp up its nuclear capability.

‘What is its true motive?’

Should it fail to comply and continue it’s development and proliferation of nuclear material, the UN council could initiate a round of sanctions on the celestial body, this after pressure from British and American governments to impose tougher and more targeted economic restrictions including an immediate halt on all vitamin D exports to Earth.

The incident has prompted heated debate over whether the Sun should be allowed to maintain any kind of nuclear program without proper oversight.

Privately, there are serious doubts over whether sanctions alone will be enough and a growing feeling that a pre-emptive strike will be needed as “anyone with a third grade education can see the Sun has no intention of stopping it’s nuclear ambitions any time soon.”

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Barack Obama Warns of Nuclear Threat From Boogieman


WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama today stated that the biggest threat to international security is the possibility of the Boogieman obtaining nuclear weapons.  Speaking from underneath his Oval Office bed covers, he warned world leaders to remain vigilant as “the risk of a nuclear attack from the Boogieman has gone up significantly in recent nights.”

His words have echoed the views of many western leaders who all swear they have heard an increase in ‘spooky noises’ and noticed ‘more scary shadows than usual’.

The Boogieman continues to put fear into non-proliferation supporters and children aged 5 alike.  Often changing names and appearances, as well as failing to respond to several request for weapons inspection from the UN.

Boo

Ahead of nuclear talks later this month, Barack Obama reiterated the threat posed by the mythical monster.  “We’ve never seen him…so we can only assume he’s dangerous and attempting to acquire a nuclear or biological weapon of some kind.  Either that or he’s a paedophile”.

Leaders from the six members of the Security Council have supported the talks and confirmed they have all started sleeping with night lights ‘just in case’.

Friction in the talks appears like however, Western countries, including the United States, believe Iran may be secretly providing safe harbour for the Boogieman or assisting him in other ways.  Iran insisted any mention of the Boogieman from within it’s borders is for getting children to brush their teeth and eat their vegetables. Iranian officials denied such allegations as ‘fantasy’ and continue to play down the threat from the dark corners of the bedroom.

“The notion that we would be providing aid to the Boogieman is ridiculous,” stated Iranian spokesman Ramin Mehmanparast.  “Yes we speak of such things, but only to scare the children. There’s no need to fear the Boogieman.”

‘Check under the bed’

Iranian officials have even gone as far as to invite the EU to check for signs of the Boogieman as a show of faith which has already been declined, ‘but not because we are scared or anything like that’.

It’s no coincidence the direct and stark warning comes on the back of increased Boogieman sightings across America.  “He definitely wants to get his Boogie-hands on weapons of mass destruction,” former CIA investigator Rolf Mowatt-Larssen told ML News.  A sentiment seemingly shared by the administration, who confirmed they’re prepared to enter the bedroom of every child at night to track down the Boogieman.

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Children Protest As Ahmadinejad Claims There Is No Santa


NEW YORK – A group of second graders and their parents have angrily walked out in protest after Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made stunning claims that ‘Santa Claus was not real’.  

The outburst came at a birthday party for eight year old Rachel McKenize inside a Chuck E Cheese restaurant where he claimed that Santa Claus was a commercial plot by western corporations – supported by the ‘Zionist regime’ – to boost the US economy.

Read the full story

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Republicans Propose New Site For Mosque In Guantanamo Bay


GROUND ZERO, NY – In an effort to repair ties with the Muslim community, Republican politicians have offered Guantanamo Bay as an alternative site for the proposed Islamic centre and Mosque.  The detention camp serves as the perfect location for ‘all people of Muslim faith to gather and pray’ believes Newt Gingrich, who even offered to help with construction if it would speed things up.  “They’re all going to end up there anyway, this is just efficient”

The GOP are desperate not to be seen as alienating Muslims after opposing initial plans for construction just blocks from Ground Zero.  There is widespread agreement the Cuba based site presents the most favourable way to deal with the controversy, and is backed by Sarah Palin who said “The first amendment protects the freedom of religion, but it doesn’t say anything about where.”

Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf said he appreciated the Republican proposal, but suspects there may be an ulterior motive. He is being encouraged to consider the benefits to current detainees, giving them something to do other than be water-boarded, as well as the uptake in new followers they would receive in such a ‘prime location for Muslim foot traffic’.

Sources close to the White House indicate the President favours the use of Guantanamo Bay as it would allow him to continue to avoid taking action on his 2009 promise to close it down.

A recent poll shows 70% of Americans are in favour of building the centre at Gitmo, and many Republicans have gone as far as to suggest it be used to house all future centres of Islamic worship.  “It’s a convenient location for all concerned” added Gingrich. “They can practise their religion as they like to call it, and we can keep them all in one place.  You know…just in case.”

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Mel Gibson Racial Slur Leak Cap Continues to Hold


HOLLYWOOD, CA – PR experts have finally managed to stop the flow of obscenities, spite and racial outbursts flowing from the leak in Mel Gibson’s mouth using an innovative new cap system.  This is the first time the spill has stopped since an explosion in 2006 resulted in the star’s verbal attack on Jews.  “It’s been a four year battle against the filth spilling uncontrollably from Mel onto our media, we’re glad we’ve managed to stem the flow for now” said a relieved Martin Eisenstadt who also helped will other major PR disasters such as the spillage of nonsensical ramblings from Sarah Palin throughout the 2008 election campaign.

President Barack Obama however, warned against over-optimism, reiterating that much work remained to be done. “It is important we don’t get ahead of ourselves” he said.  “There’s still a lot of hate inside Mel and we will need to deal with that somehow.”

E! Entertainment figures show an estimated four million obscenities have leaked so far, affecting hundreds of thousands of minorities across America with Gibson’s finances suffering as women, African-Americans and Jewish people all avoid his films.

Many Hollywood insiders raised fears the cap – designed to fit tightly over Gibson’s mouth – would put ‘enormous pressure’ on him and cause an even greater spill of racial slurs to pour out, most likely over the state of Israel.  “Mel hasn’t offended anyone in two days so things are looking good” added Eisenstadt, who stressed that this does not necessarily mean the flow of racial epithets would stop permanently and Mel could erupt at any time and ‘really let some ethnic guy have it’.

Mr Eisenstadt believes that should the cap system fail to contain the outpouring of hate filled words they would move to the next phase and just surgically staple Mel Gibson’s mouth shut.

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Bin Laden Tape Urges ‘Brothers’ To See Twilight


UNKNOWN CAVE – A video tape purported to be from Osama bin Laden has called on terror cells across America to go and see the recently released Twilight: Eclipse movie.  In the new tape aired on TMZ, Bin Laden stressed that all combatants in the holy war against western devils must take a break from global Jihad and ‘see this movie, like right now.’

“Oh my Allah you guys, it’s even better than the first two.  You’ll just explode when you see it.” commented the giddy 9/11 mastermind who went on to list several reasons why Bella and Edward are ‘perfect’ for each other.

The authenticity of the tape is yet to be verified.

Washington-based IntelCenter, who monitor terror group chatter, said the message is an indicator Islamic extremists are ‘desperate’ to see the the third chapter in the Twilight saga.  “Ninety percent of chatter has been about Twilight” said an analyst for the firm.  It’s thought that groups with suspected links to al-Queda may be have already carried out multiple Twilight parties across the country.

US intelligence officials reacted angrily to the tape, saying Bin Laden’s actions will lead to movie theatres nationwide becoming overloaded with unstable Robert Pattinson fans “We condemn this tape in the strongest possible terms” confirmed Major General Michael Flynn.  “Our theatres are already full of dangerously high-pitched teenage girls, if Muslim extremists all go and see it too…we won’t have enough popcorn to cover everyone is what I’m saying.”  All major theatres have preemptively raised alert levels to critical.

Bin Laden’s last message was in April when criticising Clash of the Titans  for ‘criminal three dimensional effects and one dimensional performances’.

President Obama declined to comment on the tape for fear of losing his place in line for the midnight showing at a local AMC theatre.

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US Military Drafts Plan To Invade Ghana After World Cup Loss


WASHINGTON, DC – America have drafted plans for a full-scale military incursion into Ghana after suffering a 2-1 loss at the World Cup.

President Obama called the move – which would pull the US into a third war – a defensive reaction to unprovoked attacks made by Ghanaian strikers in South Africa.

“Did you see that second goal?  Ghana are a threat we cannot afford to ignore any longer.  We’re going in.”

In an effort to wrap things up ‘post haste’, Commander David Petraeus has advised going with the surge strategy from the start as it has already worked so well in Iraq and Afghanistan.  The US will commit up to 100,000 troops who will target football facilities members of the Ghana team are thought to have trained within.

“These players have spread to Britain and Europe” warned a somber Obama.  “If we don’t stop them here, Ghana will become a breeding ground for resilient and well organised soccer players that could knock our team out of the next World Cup”.

America has been criticised for what is being called an overreaction, but foreign secretary Hilary Clinton remains adamant military action is warranted, adding that history will prove them right.

“This is the only course of action to such aggressive acts on the field of play” said Clinton who maintains the US has support from the ‘coalition of the willing teams that have also been beaten by Ghana’.

Ghana President John Atta Mills labelled team USA ‘bad losers’, while FIFA have called for restraint and pleaded to the White House to take standard channels and arrange a friendly match, a proposal which has already been dismissed as unworkable by the Obama Administration.

Once occupied, Ghana will provide a base to launch further strikes against African countries that beat Team USA in future sporting contests.

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World Leaders Convene For G8 Afterparty


TORONTO, CANADA – David Cameron has urged ‘tight focus’ on preparations for the G8 afterparty – his first as Prime Minister – to ensure it would be as ‘on and popping’ as previous years. Western leaders will today meet in a surprise Toronto venue to party like it’s 1999, and Mr Cameron plans to ensure they follow through on that promise. “The question is will it deliver.” the PM told Canada’s Globe newspaper “I’ve heard much about these parties, but too often they fail to live up to the hype”.

Party preperations have been troubled by arguments over financing, as leaders from poorer nations demand confirmation they would still be able to get in free. With all nations still battle economic uncertainty, it’s thought the number of Dom Perignon bottles will be scaled back, and plans for several dancer poles to be installed inside the venue – initially resisted by German chancellor Angela Merkel – may be cut completely.

US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner warned that the world could not depend only on America to pull the party together. “We just don’t have the resources to organise everything” he said. “I wanted the dancer girls as much as anyone, but we’re dealing with a recession”. It has also since been confirmed that another nation will need to pay the DJ this year.

President Barack Obama remained confident the G8 would pull together and put on a night to remember. “Our job is to make sure we get it crunk tonight, and that’s what we’re going to do” he said before a crucial meeting with uncooperative G20 leaders in an attempt to get them to loosen up and have some fun.

Iranian President Mahmood Ahemedinejad again refused invitations as he is believed to be already planning a secret afterparty with Kim Jong-Il in a Tehran nuclear facility.

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