Tag Archive | "north korea"

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North Korea Switch To Virgin Media After Internet Blackout


PYONGYANG – North Korea have confirmed the full restoration of internet services after the country switched to a Virgin Media broadband package.

The move followed an unprecedented series of internet outages and generally “shoddy service” with EE Unlimited Home Broadband.

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Kim Jong-Un Executes Uncle “To Reduce Hassle Of Christmas Shopping”


PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-Un has explained his decision to execute his uncle came after struggling to find a suitable Christmas gift for the “difficult” former regime advisor.

Reports within the country suggest the North Korean leader had begun the search for a gift before deciding it was less hassle to execute his uncle and move on to the remaining members of his family.

Jang Song-thaek was accused of returning up to four Christmas gifts given to him under previous regimes.

Tis the season

It’s understood the once powerful uncle was notoriously difficult to shop for and rumours had begun circulating that he would be removed from this year’s Christmas list.

Kim Jong-Un was confident holiday shopping would now be “much much” easier, though he was forced to admit the family Christmas dinner might be awkward.

North Korean state television described Mr Jang as “despicable human scum” and a “total ball ache to shop for”.

In lengthy article foaming with outraged rhetoric, North Korea’s official news agency accused Jang Song-thaek of plotting to return his Christmas gifts as early as November.

Mr Jang admitted his crimes in court and a death sentence was “immediately executed”.

The report said: “Jang Song-thaek dreamed such a foolish dream of receiving the perfect Christmas gift despite failing to give so much as a hint as to what kind of stuff he’s into.”

“He is then disappointed on Christmas Day and more often than not has the nerve to ask if you kept the receipt.”

“How are you supposed to shop for someone like that?”

Christmas shopping made easy

North Korean experts said the brutal move was a clear sign that there would be no backsies this festive season.

This after state media detailed previous presents that had been returned or gone unused by Song-thaek including a handmade “World’s Best Uncle” mug given to him by and eight-year-old Kim Jung-Un.

Now 30, the young dictator recalled “spending a whole weekend with mom making that mug and uncle never drank from it once.  What the hell dude?!”

The ruthless disposal of Mr Jang would have serious implications beyond Christmas according to one analyst, with birthdays and other gift giving seasons now under more scrutiny.

“I think what he’s telling people – family members and military personnel alike – is that when you receive your gift you need to be grateful.”

“Or there will be grave repercussions.”

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North Korea Respond To Xbox One Used Game Policy With Missile Test


PYONGYANG – North Korea have launched an unscheduled round of missile tests in response to the used game policy on the upcoming Xbox One console.

The country’s leader made clear his disapproval of a more restrictive stance on used games, calling on Microsoft to “take back its regressive actions for my sake and for the sake of the gaming community.”

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UN Inspectors: North Korea May Be Developing Food Technology


PYONGYANG – The United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission have warned that North Korea is secretly developing technology that will “soon allow it to feed its own people.”

A new report raised fears the country has made “significant” progress in the construction of basic cooking facilities capable of providing regular meals to a growing percentage of the population.

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United States: Iran “Leading The Race” To Host World War III


PENTAGON – U.S. officials have confirmed Iran are now leading the race to host World War III after a failed rocket launch led to an embarrassing setback from close rivals North Korea.

A decision will be made soon about where the third global military showcase, which will see aerial assaults, ground incursions, and the popular 100 metre sprint, takes place.

Organisers agreed that technically Iran have the superior bid in that technically they could be developing weapons of mass destruction.

Qualified candidate

World War III is expected to attract the biggest names in military prowess and as host nation, Iran would have safe passage to the finals without having to qualify by attacking nearby smaller countries.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad graciously accepted the frontrunner status in front of an impressive “Death To America” banner where he confirmed he would “never” halt the country’s uranium enrichment programme.

In an effort to bolster Iran’s chance of securing host status, he went on to publicly deny Israel’s right to exist – a clear sign of pandering to the selection committee which includes an Israeli delegation.

The committee, chaired United States and Britain are currently searching for a suitable venue to follow from a highly successful World War in Germany.

‘They tick all the boxes’

Such is the progress the Iranian bid has made that talks are already underway to hold a series of bombing raids on targeted facilities to test their readiness for a full campaign.

“They’ve put together an impressive package,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who had been impressed with Iran’s grandstanding and failure to cooperate with UN regulators on nuclear inspections.

Mrs Clinton noted: “Iran have a bid that appears to have it all.  Including an authoritarian regime lead by a belligerent head of state not afraid to spew crazy rhetoric toward the West when in front of a camera, and easy access to Israel where many competitors will be travelling from.”

Iran’s bid now looks to be the only serious option on the table.  After North Korea’s failed rocket launch U.S. committee have questioned whether the communist state are fully prepared to host such an important event.

Missed opportunity

“That rocket fiasco was a major setback for North Korean hopes,” said an aide to the Obama administration.  “If they had gotten that right we would definitely be looking at them as a potential candidate to host this war.”

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was more scathing in his analysis.

“We’re talking about the largest and most expensive military campaign in the world.  You’ve got to be able to launch a God damn rocket into space!  How else will we be able to fabricate a preconceived narrative to justify hosting a long and drawn out military event in their country?”

“They’ve definitely blown their chance.  Absolute shambles,” he added.

It’s thought an outside bid could come from China but Mr Gates admitted it was unlikely as “we still owe them, a bucketload of cash…so they can pretty much get away with what they want to.”

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North Korea: “We’ll Stop Making Nukes If You Stop Making Fast and Furious Sequels”


PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.

An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”

The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”

Enough is enough

Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests.  In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.

In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.

America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.

Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.

In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.

The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”

“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.

2 Fast 2 Spurious

Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea.  Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.

“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden.  “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”

However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.

“It’s not all bad.  At least we still have Transformers.”

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Kim Jong-Un Succession Delayed Over IT Support Issues


PYONGYANG – New North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has had his start date for succession pushed back after IT reported “major tech issues” while preparing his work laptop and log in credentials.

Following the death of his processor, the new starter had been expected to take up the role of insane dictator imminently, but difficulties in getting the required hardware onto the network have proved more challenging than expected.

“We’ve tried the government sanctioned smart card and the government mandated USB token but neither is working correctly,” said the head of the North Korea’s IT department Bob Hong-Ki.

Technical difficulties

As the only computer in the country with intenet access, the laptop left by Kim Jong-il is crucial to the ability of Kim Jong-un to carry out his duties of living a life of secluded luxury while his people starve.

State officials admitted IT issues were affecting the succession plan, but attempted to play down the situation as “just some tech stuff”.

Privately, it’s understood Kim Jong-il had not allowed the state’s IT department to keep crucial software up to date and had only been updated once in 17 years.   In addition to “tons of malware”, the IT team would “almost certainly” require the 11 day period of mourning to be extended and allow enough time to get the machine ready for use.

“It took us ages to clear the porn from the laptop, and it was still using Windows 95!”

State controlled media announced that once the machine was updated the IT department would run several diagnostics processes, including the installation of Missiles Launch Pro, installing McAfee, and making sure Solitaire was configured to win on every occasion.

‘IT are aware of the issue’

Has been advised in the meantime to think of a much stronger pass word as “nknukesu11” was deemed insecure and would likely leave the system venerable to security breach.

Leaders from the US and Britain hailed the reports of IT related set back to the oppressive regime, but also sympathised with the pitfalls of dealing with IT to get a new computer up and running.

A source inside the secretive nation indicated Bob Hong-Ki was “getting defensive” when asked to give a date on which the succession could take place.  “Hey look, we’re trying as hard as we can here.  IT isn’t as easy as it looks.”

The department leader also highlighted that “sitting around talking about the problem is not make it go away any faster.”

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Newt Gingrich Caught Running For Leader Of North Korea


PENNSYLVANIA – Republican presidential nominee Newt Gingrich is reported to have cheated on the United States after being found attempting to run for leader of North Korea.

Gingrich is accused of straying from his commitment to becoming US president in an attempt to become leader of the “younger and tighter” communist state despite being in a previously monogamous relationship with his 2012 presidential campaign.

The revelation will again raise questions over his ability to commit to a single political campaign.

‘I did it because I love America’

It is not the first time Gingrich as faced allegations of infidelity.  In October he was rumored to have attempted a “more exotic” run for Bolivian president when his own US presidential campaign appeared to be dying.

“This is shameful,” said former vice-president candidate Sarah Palin who noted that “our allies” in North Korea have only just lost their leader “and Newt is already trying to move in.”

“What does he see in them anyway? I bet they don’t even allow unlimited campaign donations over there.”

Former front-runner Herman Cain was just as upset over the news, arguing that “I can tell this man is incapable of staying faithful to one leadership campaign.”

The news has forced Newt Gingrich to publicly address his indiscretions in an emotional press conference.  Speaking with his campaign manager by his side,  he explained that he had inquired about the about the leadership position “in a moment of weakness”.

“Yes I looked into it [becoming leader of North Korea],” he admitted.  “I’m not perfect, but that affair is over.”

He insisted he was “fully committed to running for president of this country and this country only,” and pledged to uphold the institution of president through fidelity to the oval office.

“I am a one campaign man,” he added, vowing to “not even look at another office of leadership if I become president of the United States.”

Cheating

Political commentators have suggested this could be the end of his chances of a stable relationship with the United States.

“Oh it is so over,” raged political anchor Keith  Olbermann.  “The American people don’t want a president that can’t commit.”

“What if he becomes president and flies to Europe?  There are like 27 countries he could be president of over there.”

“How do we know he won’t run for Prime Minster of Britain behind our backs, huh?”

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Iran Threaten To Not Make Up The Numbers At Olympics


SWITZERLAND – Iran have reiterated their threat to boycott the London 2012 Olympic Games, potentially leaving the International Olympic Committee with one less country to make up the numbers at the event.

Claiming the London 2012 logo spells out the word ‘Zion’, Iranian Olympic president Mohammad Aliabadi wrote to IOC president Jacques Rogge, insisting “the revolting act of reflecting Iran’s enemies in the logo is even more offensive than those ‘horrible excuses for mascots’ and one for which we are prepared to forfeit the defence of our 52nd place finish in Beijing.”

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Barack Obama Warns of Nuclear Threat From Boogieman


WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama today stated that the biggest threat to international security is the possibility of the Boogieman obtaining nuclear weapons.  Speaking from underneath his Oval Office bed covers, he warned world leaders to remain vigilant as “the risk of a nuclear attack from the Boogieman has gone up significantly in recent nights.”

His words have echoed the views of many western leaders who all swear they have heard an increase in ‘spooky noises’ and noticed ‘more scary shadows than usual’.

The Boogieman continues to put fear into non-proliferation supporters and children aged 5 alike.  Often changing names and appearances, as well as failing to respond to several request for weapons inspection from the UN.

Boo

Ahead of nuclear talks later this month, Barack Obama reiterated the threat posed by the mythical monster.  “We’ve never seen him…so we can only assume he’s dangerous and attempting to acquire a nuclear or biological weapon of some kind.  Either that or he’s a paedophile”.

Leaders from the six members of the Security Council have supported the talks and confirmed they have all started sleeping with night lights ‘just in case’.

Friction in the talks appears like however, Western countries, including the United States, believe Iran may be secretly providing safe harbour for the Boogieman or assisting him in other ways.  Iran insisted any mention of the Boogieman from within it’s borders is for getting children to brush their teeth and eat their vegetables. Iranian officials denied such allegations as ‘fantasy’ and continue to play down the threat from the dark corners of the bedroom.

“The notion that we would be providing aid to the Boogieman is ridiculous,” stated Iranian spokesman Ramin Mehmanparast.  “Yes we speak of such things, but only to scare the children. There’s no need to fear the Boogieman.”

‘Check under the bed’

Iranian officials have even gone as far as to invite the EU to check for signs of the Boogieman as a show of faith which has already been declined, ‘but not because we are scared or anything like that’.

It’s no coincidence the direct and stark warning comes on the back of increased Boogieman sightings across America.  “He definitely wants to get his Boogie-hands on weapons of mass destruction,” former CIA investigator Rolf Mowatt-Larssen told ML News.  A sentiment seemingly shared by the administration, who confirmed they’re prepared to enter the bedroom of every child at night to track down the Boogieman.

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