Tag Archive | "New York"

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MH370: Black Box Discovery Could Hamper Wild Speculation Efforts


NEW YORK – 24-hour news networks have expressed concern that the discovery of flight MH370’s black box could damage ongoing efforts to pass wild speculation off as news.

The discovery of the Malaysian craft’s black box would be a severe blow to the hopes of news network bosses intent on pulling their theories from the same black hole they think the plane could have disappeared into.

Hosts at CNN, MSNBC and Fox say they would be at a “complete loss” if they could no longer produce verbal diarrhoea in the absence of any evidence.

An inconvenient truth

With the search for the plane’s black box intensifying, there are genuine fears among major news networks that any hard data obtained would leave them facing the reality of reporting facts.

The plane’s black boxes emit “pings” at a frequency of 37.5kHz, almost as high as the frequency of baseless speculation emitting from 24-hour news networks.

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz said his team was not prepared for a scenario in which the whereabouts of the plane are confirmed, admitting: “it’s been so long most of us don’t even know what it means to report credible news.”

“It’s always a race against time trying to fill a 24-hour news cycle with absurd theories before facts hit your desk,” said CNN anchor Don Lemon.

Lemon revealed CNN turned down several “great” crackpot theories before agreeing on the premise that the Malaysian Airlines flight could have crashed landed onto a mysterious island like Lost.

“It’s an hour-long special and will be done as soon as I finish the season six box set.”

No news is good news

Malaysian authorities have made clear that if the debris from MH370 if found they would make counselling available to grief-stricken news hosts.

“We know this is a stressful time for those who claim to be journalists,” said a spokesperson for the airline.  “The closer we get to finding this plane the closer they get to having to do their actual job reporting on facts.”

Lemon did hope the plane was found, but said the network was ready for a prolonged search and had plenty of filler material lined up.

In an anxious moment he said his network would be watching the search for flight MH370 with bated breath.

“If they find that plane there’ll be no chance to make things up and call it credible journalism.”

“Then what will we do?!”

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Illuminati To Take Break, Will Let World Run Itself For A While


NEW YORK – Illuminati leadership have announced they will take a month-long break from covertly controlling world events to let things play out on their own for a bit.

High ranking members of the organisation admitted the effort of perpetuating an all-pervasive Judeo-Masonic conspiracy establish total world domination was “starting to take its toll”.

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UN Investigation Confirms Captain Obvious Not Real Captain


NEW YORK – The UN has confirmed “unequivocally and objectively” that Captain Obvious is not a real army captain.

A probe into Captain Obvious’ lack of military service record began in 2011, the same year he called a press conference to announce that MC Hammer could not be touched.

Earlier, UN investigators said they were also probing other cases including long-held suspicions that Mayor McCheese has a burger for a head.

UN Obvious

“Despite adopting the title of captain for decades, Captain Obvious holds no title in any military body recognised by the international community,” inspectors concluded in a 38-page report, which also included analysis of what is thought to be bear stool found in the woods.

Captain Obvious has so far refused to comment on the report, published this week, but did indicate he would address the allegations in future.  A future he definitively stated “was coming.”

Secretary General Ban Ki Moon briefed the Security Council on the report before addressed the media.  He said he was submitting the report “with a heavy heart”.

“This is a grave breach of public trust and the security council will use the full extent of its power to see that Mr Obvious is dealt with.” he said.

Following Mr Ban’s statements, world leaders have unanimously called for the end of the “Captain” moniker, demanding Mr Obvious revert to his birth name Larry.

‘Not a real Captain?!’

“None of us saw this coming,” said Jerry Shale, chairman of the UN Commission of Inquiry on Obvious.  “Next thing you know we’ll find out Miley Cyrus has daddy issues.”

Mr Shale said that given the “totally unexpected” findings in the report, the international community now had no choice but to call into question all previous statements made by Captain Obvious.

“If he has deceived us about his captain status, what else has he lied about?”

“Will tomorrow really be another day?  Is New York City really a city in New York.?  Has Bashar al-Assad used chemical weapons on his own people to cap a campaign of indiscriminate violence in a bid to maintain a vice like dictatorial grip on an entire nation?”

“I thought these were all obvious, but I just don’t know anymore.”

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Joy As Millions of New Yorkers Now Able To Charge Their iPhones


NEW YORK – After the most devastating natural disaster to hit the state, returning power to Lower Manhattan has allowed thousands of residents to finally charge their iPhone.

It’s thought as many as 10,000 iPhones, Android and Windows phones were lost to low battery status on the first day of the storm, and the number continued to rise at an alarming rate.

The Federal Statistical Office said they would know how many Blackberry users were affected once they could find enough people who would admit they owned Blackberrys.

Storm is over

Sandy-related power cuts affected millions of customers and the devastating scenes saw many locals wandering flooded streets in search of a working power outlet or USB socket.

Those affected by the super storm called it the worst disaster since leaving their phone in the back of a cab that one time.

With no working phones nearby, entire neighbourhoods were forced to communicate face to face for “unrealistic” lengths of time.

Reports says several families long ran out of talking points and had been struggling maintain conversation while awaiting the return of power to continue ignoring each other while downloading updates to Angry Birds.

After days of no service, cheering people took to the streets and began download 99 cent apps for no reason.

Renewed hope

Sarah Folks, from the Lower East Side, described the lost feeling “everyone is going through right now” and addicted she was not sure how long the community could survive without access to free downloadable games.

“Oh it was bedlam here,” she said after going five days without updated her Facebook.  “A lot of people tried to take matters into their own hands and started hooking their iPhones to potatoes.”

“Some of us were down to 10% battery before the power came back on.  I don’t know what we would have done if the outage went on any longer,” she said tearfully.

Despite the joy felt over the returning power, the state confirmed it would seek to take action against electricity companies for their slow response.

Governor Andrew Cuomo promised to hold Con Ed and others to account for their failings resulting in “me losing three different games of Words With Friends.”

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Peace Talks Between Chris Brown and Drake “In Tatters”


NEW YORK – UN Special envoy Kofi Annan has called on Chris Brown and Drake to re-enter negotiations after initial peace talks broke down this week.

The desperate plea came just hours after both camps failed once again to agree a ceasefire following an outbreak of violence last week.

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UN To Use Bigger Adjectives When Discussing Syria Bloodshed


NEW YORK – The UN has indicated it will make a firm stand against Syria’s president by pledging to use stronger adjectives to describe the ongoing massacre in the country.

With attacks against civilians showing no sign of easing, the organisation declared they could no longer stand by and use regular vocabulary when talking about the endless murder of innocents.

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Stuntman Fails To Jump U.S. Economic Inequality Gap


TRIBECA – Worrying reports out of New York indicate that an U.S. born daredevil has suffered serious injuries after a failed attempt to jump America’s growing inequality gap.

Jeff Thompson is said to have sustained fractures to both legs, lacerations to his upper body and several cracked ribs when his modified Honda CRF 450 proved unable to traverse the vast empty space between the one percent of wealth owners and the rest of society.

His manager was left distraught as Thompson was airlifted to a nearby medical facility.

Impossible stunt

“I told him not to do it. Christ!  I told him – but he kept saying he could do it.  I blame myself.”

There have been suggestions that Thompson was unaware the inequality gap had actually grown since the last time he considered the “crazy stunt”, leading to accusations of poor preparations.

This was rejected by his manager who said that any reasonable person could have seen the gap had grown considerably, “but Jett just didn’t want to know”.

Having already jumped a tank full of electric eels, a chasm, a 14 deep line of school buses through a ring of fire and Kanye West’s ego, Thompson had been looking for a more daring challenge and saw the gap between the have and have-nots as the perfect opportunity to cement his name in daredevil history.

Speaking before the near fatal stunt, Thompson optimistically told reporters: “This is it.  This is the big one.  I’m going to take my Honda and do something that has never been done in the history of stunt men.  Prepare to be amazed.”

Medical staff at Bellevue Hospital Center rated his chances of survival as 50-50.

Moving target

“It’s touch and go but he’s a fighter for sure,”  said Dr Howard Feinstein.  “Though what he was doing trying to jump such a clearly impossible chasm is beyond me.  He could have killed himself!”

Fans praised Mr Thompson for daring to push the boundaries, but admitted that he bit of more than he could chew this time around.

“We all loved it when he made the jump over Kanye’s sense of self-importance.  We weren’t sure he wouldn’t be able to top that one,” commented admiring fan Debbie Rawlings

“But the reality is one percent of Americans are in control of 50% of the nation’s wealth – how did he ever think he could make that,” she said.

“This isn’t like jumping a chasm.  There are serious risks involved.”

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“How Will People Know I’ve Got The New One?” Say Insecure iPhone Users


NEW YORK – Apple have been slammed for releasing a phone that looks identical to the last one, leaving insecure users with no visible way to demonstrate their social superiority to strangers.

The Cupertino based company released the phone to a chorus of disapproval from pretentious and insecure fans alike who are concerned they will have no obvious way to show people they have never met that they have bought the latest Apple technology

“What’s the point in buying this if no one on the subway can tell it’s the new one?” Questioned confessed Apple fan and Hummer driver Martin Fitzgerald.

Underwhelming release

Despite a faster CPU, revolutionary speech interface and improved the antenna for more reliable calls, many onlookers were worried that if they bought the device someone could still mistake them for a last-gen iPhone user.

Mr Fitzgerald admitted he feared that owning an iPhone that looked the same as the last one would do little to temporarily elevated his perceived value as much as his move from iPhone 3GS to iPhone 4.

“As soon as I whipped out my iPhone 4 for no reason people knew I was special.  They knew I was somebody.”

New York native Ted Murray said that he would buy the new iPhone, and then wear t-shirt that said “I bought the new iPhone 4S” as a way to ensure people around him knew he had money.

Shares in Apple fell by almost 5% within minutes of the launch.  Wall Street analysts indicated that both investors and Apple fans had expected the latest iteration to be something you could shove in the next guy’s face and say “ner ner n-ner ner I got the new iPhone.”

‘What’s the point?’

“This a huge misstep for Apple,” said analyst John Gruber.  “The iPhone 4 has shown that people don’tbuy these things to make calls.  They buy them to let everyone in a 10-meter radius know they are inferior human beings.”

In an attempt to reassure users soon after the launch, Apple released a statement on behalf of new CEO Tim Cook pointing out that “the smug look on your face when you buy an iPhone will make it clear to others around you.”

This was rejected by Mr Fitzgerald however, who said the look only lasted for “a week max” before wearing off.

“That’s nowhere near long enough to make me feel good on the inside.”

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Barack Obama Declares Spider-Man Musical ‘A National Disaster’


WASHINGTON – Confirming what many theatre goers have expected for months, United States President Barack Obama has officially declared Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark a “major” national disaster.

Obama’s declaration makes central government funds available to help people affected by failed storytelling and haphazard production.

The president also announced plans to personally visit the set to view the damage wreaked by the unmitigated critical failure.

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Local Man Mugged as New York Returns To Normal After Storm


NEW YORK – A local shopkeeper has been assaulted during the course of a robbery in one of many encouraging reports suggesting  a return to normal life following Tropical Storm Irene.

Reggie Brooks, 37, described the experience that left him with bruised ribs as ‘terrifying’, but was pleased to see the city “back on it’s feet again,” before adding:  “My grandaddy gave me that watch.”

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