NEW YORK – The UN has confirmed “unequivocally and objectively” that Captain Obvious is not a real army captain.
A probe into Captain Obvious’ lack of military service record began in 2011, the same year he called a press conference to announce that MC Hammer could not be touched.
Earlier, UN investigators said they were also probing other cases including long-held suspicions that Mayor McCheese has a burger for a head.
“Despite adopting the title of captain for decades, Captain Obvious holds no title in any military body recognised by the international community,” inspectors concluded in a 38-page report, which also included analysis of what is thought to be bear stool found in the woods.
Captain Obvious has so far refused to comment on the report, published this week, but did indicate he would address the allegations in future. A future he definitively stated “was coming.”
Secretary General Ban Ki Moon briefed the Security Council on the report before addressed the media. He said he was submitting the report “with a heavy heart”.
“This is a grave breach of public trust and the security council will use the full extent of its power to see that Mr Obvious is dealt with.” he said.
Following Mr Ban’s statements, world leaders have unanimously called for the end of the “Captain” moniker, demanding Mr Obvious revert to his birth name Larry.
‘Not a real Captain?!’
“None of us saw this coming,” said Jerry Shale, chairman of the UN Commission of Inquiry on Obvious. “Next thing you know we’ll find out Miley Cyrus has daddy issues.”
Mr Shale said that given the “totally unexpected” findings in the report, the international community now had no choice but to call into question all previous statements made by Captain Obvious.
“If he has deceived us about his captain status, what else has he lied about?”
“Will tomorrow really be another day? Is New York City really a city in New York.? Has Bashar al-Assad used chemical weapons on his own people to cap a campaign of indiscriminate violence in a bid to maintain a vice like dictatorial grip on an entire nation?”
“I thought these were all obvious, but I just don’t know anymore.”