Tag Archive | "mitt romney"

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Physical Manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s Blind Rage Early 2016 Frontrunner


WASHINGTON DC – After Barack Obama’s re-election, a physical manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s blind rage is being tipped to become GOP candidate for president in 2016.

The dark, deep, lighting filled cloud has already emerged as an early frontrunner for Republicans as the party looks to reinvent itself following a disappointing loss to the president and reason for the cloud’s existence.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud has already tested through the roof with conservative voters, beating out prominent candidates including Jeb Bush and a shrink wrapped copy of Atlas Shrugged.

New party hope

A newcomer to the political arena, the turbulent rage cloud burst onto the scene only seconds after President Obama’s re-election and has continued growing its support and overall surface area.

“There’s no doubt that this thing is the rising star of the new conservative movement,” said Fox News analyst Karl Rove.

With a view on the 2016 presidential race, conservative pundits are left to debate why the ominous hate filled cloud was so popular.

“It’s the only candidate that is really speaking to the core Republican base in any meaningful way,” suggested conservative commentator Dick Morris.

“The rage cloud has come out of nowhere but the party is really connecting with its message of unsubstantiated fear and institutional racism.”

Indeed, disappointed conservative voters have indicated they would likely back a bid for the White House if the rage cloud decided to run.

“I would totally vote for Rush’s semi solid rage cloud,” admitted Alabama voter Chad Evans.  “It screams incessantly at me in a way Mitt Romney never did.”

Mr Evans, who now lives in an underground panic bunker for fear of a second Obama term says a 2016 bid by the anger filled cloud could persuade him and his family to consider living above ground again.

Measured response

However, some early optimism has been tempered as the rage cloud has yet to announced its plans for the 2016 race.  And while Rove admitted “it hasn’t laid out a coherent policy,” he also noted “that never stopped Mitt from running.”

Karl Rove remained adamant the hate fueled cloud was delaying as it worked out a deal to make a similar sized semi-solid cloud of Republican misogynistic sentiment its vice presidential pick for a devastating ticket in 2016.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud avoided the topic when interviewed however, instead emitting a succession of lighting bursts along with belligerent and barely intelligible ramblings about Mexicans, guns and “THOSE DAMN GAYS”.

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Republicans Claim Voter Intimidation After Black Man Added to Election Ballot


WASHINGTON – The validity of the 2012 presidential election has been questioned by Republicans, accusing Democrats of voter intimidation by adding a black man to the ballot.

The Federal Election Commission has been inundated with complaints from conservative voters identifying a “scary black man” as showing up on several voter forms, leaving people feeling intimidated while casting their vote.

Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Told Number of Poor in US, Quits Presidential Race


MASSACHUSETTS – The battle for president has taken a last minute twist with news that Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race after learning how many poor people actually live in America.

Reports suggest the GOP candidate had not been fully aware of the precise number of Americans living in poverty, a statistic he learned earlier today for the first time.

Staff say Romney was so disgusted by the discovery that he decided it was no longer worth becoming president.

Election bombshell

Sources close to the Romney campaign describe the “5 minutes of madness” that lead to the stunning development when the former Massachusetts governor stormed out of his campaign headquarters muttering “…didn’t work this hard for so many Goddamn moochers” and “Obama can have the damn thing” following a phone call from an anonymous source.

His campaign manager was at a loss to explain was looks like being the most shocking tantrum thrown by a presidential candidate since George Washington was told he had too many slaves.

“I’m just as shocked as you are right now,” admitted a flustered Matt Rhoades.  “One minute Mitt is on the phone asking for support, the next he’s looking like a donkey just dropped its balls in his mouth.”

Mr Rhoades told reporters he heard Romney yell “HOW MANY?” over the noise of the crowded room.

“Before I could ask what happened he’s up off his chair and storms outta here.  Can someone tell me what’s going on?!”

Campaign difficulties

The timing has taken several of his campaign staff by surprised as “we all thought he knew how many poor people there were in the country,” according to campaign assistant Mandy Shepard.

“I just assumed Mitt was ok with it.”

With just hours left in the race Romney’s team face an uphill battle to bring him around to the idea of working this hard for so many impoverished citizens.

In efforts to salvage the campaign Mr Rhoades has called in Romney’s vice presidential running mate to “talk some sense into him”.

Paul Ryan is expected to remind the presidential hopeful that with their economic and health care plans in place there wouldn’t be any poor people to worry about.

“This isn’t a lost cause by any means,” added Mr Rhoade.

“I just hope no one tells him how many black people there are here.”

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Mitt Romney Takes on Mitt Romney in Final Presidential Debate


OHIO – In the fourth and final debate of the presidential election, Mitt Romney faced off against his most contrasting ideological opponent of the race: Mitt Romney.

Hailed as the fiercest debate in recent memory the conservative candidate come out “guns blazing” against his more moderate counterpart, clashing over a number of crucial election issues.

The debate highlighted the stark difference in opinion the two have on topics such as health care, immigration, abortion, and which Star Wars Trilogy was better.

Diametrically opposed

Analysts pinned this as “the most important debate for the Romney camp,” noting that “whoever people find most favourable will decide which Mitt Romney goes up against Barack Obama.”

One testy exchange came when Romney derided his debate opponent for ignoring the contributions man had made to rising CO2 emissions.

But Mitt Romney responded with his belief the science was inconclusive and spending trillions to reduce emissions was not the right course for America.

The biggest spark came when discussing healthcare, a subject both men famously disagree on and Mitt Romney wasted no time calling out Mitt Romney for putting in place the model later used as the basis for Obamacare.

“The fact is Governor Romney,” Mitt Romney started, “that when you ran Massachusetts you created the system of mandated health care that has been shoved down the throat of every American and needs to be repealed immediately.”

However, Romney countered the attack and backed his efforts to help ordinary American gain access to basic healthcare – “a fundamental right my opponent would never understand.”

‘Romney came out swinging’

Exit polls suggested Mitt Romney shaded the debate with viewers finding him a more credible candidate than Mitt Romney who at times appeared flustered by the constant attacks from the former Massachusetts governor.

Neither candidate was afraid to make clear they were “two completely separate candidates with two completely separate views on just about everything”, a fact not lost on voters.

“Damn, they couldn’t agree on anything,” described Martin Baxter who entered the debate a firm Mitt Romney supporter, but admitted Mitt Romney “made good counter points” during the debate that left him “seriously consider” switching his support to Mitt Romney.

“I’ve always been Romney guy,” he said.  “But Romney went at him hard, especially on abortion and I found myself drawn to his pro-life stance so now I’m actually thinking Mitt Romney isn’t the candidate for me?”

“Maybe I should be backing Mitt Romney.”

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President Obama’s Use of Facts, Math May Put Off Voters Say Experts


FLORIDA – Political analysts have warned President Obama’s use of facts and math risks alienating voters and could cost him the 2012 election.

Political commentator and Count Chocula stunt double Charles Krauthammer praised Romney for his tight grip on basic election strategy, leaving things like realistic figures and accurate representation of reality “at the door where they belong”.

The president however, has made a concerted effort to incorporate both in his reelection campaign efforts, a strategy labelled “foolhardy” by many observers.

Liar liar

Pundit and part-time Bond villain James Carville is just one analyst to openly question whether being loose with “numbers ‘n stuff” will backfire on the president, having seen Mitt Romney claw his way back in this election.

“Romney gets it plain and simple.  You saw that first debate,” Carvile said. “He didn’t waste any time saying things that could be traced back to facts.”

“That’s the attitude you need when running for office.”

When questioned, Mitt Romney put his recent bounce in polling down to his strong belief in the separation of words and facts – a belief that Krauthammer believes could see him claim the presidency come November.

Krauthammer offered advice to the Obama campaign ahead of election day, suggesting the president borrow from the former Massachusetts governor and “start telling those huge whoppers he’ll need for those last days of the election.”

“No one’s expecting him to get to the level that Romney is on right now.  He just needs to start with small things.  White lies like “that first debate didn’t go so badly”.

“Or when he talks to  China about the money we owe them, say ‘the check’s in the mail’. Little things like that.”

New strategy

In a surprise move, MSNBC host Chris Matthews agreed with Krauthammer, calling on Barack Obama to “wake up and realise what race he’s in”.

“What’s he doing?! This isn’t exam prep.  This is the race for President of the United States of America – the highest office in the land.  Facts and math have no place here.”

“Maybe on a McDonald’s application form, but not here.”

http://www.mostlylegit.com/2012/10/president-obamas-use-of-facts-math-may-put-off-voters-say-experts/

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47% of Seasame Street Live for Welfare: Open Letter From Mitt Romney


MASSACHUSETTS  – The following is an open letter sent by Mitt Romney defending the comments he made towards the publicly funded children’s education show Sesame Street.

 

Fellow humans,

Much has been made of my recent comments to cut funding to PBS. Even as my maid types this letter for me I can hear the distant sounds of protests in the outer perimiter of my home.

After the first presidential debate viewers have used the opportunity to label me cold and out of touch with the average person.

How these people know me so well I don’t know but these observations are besides the point.  Furthermore, they make me look bad so I would like to more elegantly explain why Sesame Street must be left to fend for itself.

Let’s start with the financials.  The $444 million is funnelled to this organisation every year.  In comparison, I aim to avoid paying this amount of tax over the course of my lifetime, which should tell you just how grotesque the figure really is.

Then there is the moral issue.  There are 47 percent off muppets on Sesame Street who don’t want to take responsibility for themselves but would rather wait on PBS for handouts in order to make it through another episode.

The president’s approach of using public money to fund educational programs for children is attractive to muppets that do not pay income tax because they don’t work and because they are muppets.

They don’t believe in the American dream like you and I.  They believe they’re entitled to basic shapes, primary colours, to the alphabet, to you name it.  Every week they expect another letter to simply fall out of the sky as if B’s and C’s grew on trees.

What a bunch of moochers.

Take this guy for example; Oscar the Grouch.  Zero record of employment and it’s the policies of this government that have allowed him to live furry paw to mouth while hard working individuals like Count Von Count put in put in a tough shift counting things.

I myself enjoy counting.  Sometimes I will just sit in the garden and count the number of Mexicans under my employ.

Cookie Monster is another freeloader.  Here is a classic case of some googly-eyed moocher that has convinced himself cookies will be provided to him ad infinitum.  And what happens if he doesn’t get a cookie?  He flips out.

This truly is Obama’s America.

 

Under my administration, every muppet will have to make its own way without becoming dependant on the government.  I understand in the short-term there will be problems, but so what if we don’t get all the letters?  Only one percent of them are important anyway.

I like Big Bird, which is why I can no longer see him play the role of the victim.

However, I don’t care much for Snuffleupagus.  His name sounds arabic and I have yet to see him prove he was born on Sesame Street.

In conclusion, If elected president I will shut down the entitlement culture that has been allowed to fester on Sesame Street, just as soon as someone can tell me how to get there.

 

Yours Truly,

Willard Mitt Romney. Future President of the United States,

Sent from my third house.

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Mitt Romney Crushed By Magic 8-Ball in Debate Warm Up


BOSTON – Mitt Romney has suffered a major setback ahead of the presidential debates after a crushing defeat to Magic 8-Ball forced him to call short a warm up debate session.

Facing questions on popular election issues, Romney answered by judging which string of words were most favourable in that given moment, and the Magic 8-Ball answered by being shaken vigorously for five seconds.

Observers say the fortune-telling toy proved much more consistent with its answers.

Tough opponent

This was the first time Mitt Romney had debated against a candidate filled with this much alcoholic substance since Rick Perry, and he looked uncomfortable again as the spherical object began pulling ahead in polling on a range of international and domestic issues.

A focus group of voters said the cold, hollow and inanimate candidate came off far worse than the Magic 8-Ball in many areas.  It went on to trounce the former Massachusetts governor with a string of clear affirmative responses in comparison to Romney’s vague non-answers.

One example came when asked whether he would release his tax returns if elected president.  Mitt Romney could only reply “cannot predict now”.

“You could tell he was struggling up there,”  recalled campaign manager Matt Rhoades who ended the session.  “We had to do something.  He was getting his ass handed to him by Magic 8-Ball.”

News of the pre debate loss is a major setback for and Romney’s campaign managers have already cancelled further warm up sessions against more formidable opponents such as Apple’s Siri.

‘Outlook not so good’

Romney himself remained optimistic, suggesting that while he “wasn’t as eloquent as I could have been,” he could improve on what he saw as his only weakness in his debate performance: answering simple yes-no questions on basic elements of his policies.

However, those who watched the proceedings were less enthusiastic about his chances.

“I felt Magic 8-Ball came across more credible,” explained one participant, Sue Baker, who scored the black and white plastic ball ahead by 11 points before the session was called to an end.

Another onlooker felt the Magic 8-Ball was “more concise, empathetic to human interests and showed a lot of personality on stage in comparison to Romney.”

Texas native Derek Rogers, explained: “It had Romney beat on a lot of the big issues.  I came out of this a big supporter of the vision Magic 8-Ball has for this country.”

“Mitt could really learn from this guy.”

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Romney Unveils New Campaign Message: “I Was Kidding This Whole Time”


MASSACHUSETTS – In a move to win over increasingly sceptical voters, Mitt Romney has unveiled his new campaign message to the voting public : “I was just fooling with you guys”.

The plan was developed after Romney’s chief political strategists privately acknowledged the best method of improving favorability in key battleground states is to have people think his presidential campaign has simply been an attempt at humor.

Sources say the new campaign will begin “effective immediately” under a revamped slogan: “You Thought I was Being Serious? 2012″.

I live for comedy

This latest reboot will see Romney announce he has been “pulling the leg” of the American people and the presidential nominee was on hand to deliver the new look campaign: “We’re focused on getting a new, new, new message to the American people,” he explained.

“One that says ‘hey, all that stuff you heard me say and do over and over in the last year?  We were just fooling around with y’all’.”

He then declared it time to get back to simple truths and admit “my campaign has been a big joke this whole time” – a message political analysts roundly agreed was one “sure resonate big time with the American people”.

Hammering home the new message, the Romney explained that “running a campaign where I alienate every interest group with each sentence to fall out of my mouth is just something I do for kicks.”

“Remember that time when I came across like an out of touch one percenter unable to express basic human empathy  for anyone making less than seven figures a year? Ha ha ha haaaaa.”

“Oh mercy.  That one still cracks me up.”

Fooled ya

It’s understood his campaign managers considered several potential strategies to regain lost ground in polls including framing current president Barack Obama for murder.

“We sat down and explored a bunch of options with the specific mandate of getting this campaign bus back on the road,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous.

“Having Obama charged with murder was in the top three.  Our data show folks would have been highly concerned about voting for a guy on facing a murder rap.”

“In the end, the logistical challenge of framing a man for first or even second degree murder this close to the election was way too much.”

“Convincing people that everything Mitt has said and done has been a joke is infinitely more doable.”

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Florida in Storm Alert As Republican Convention Hits


FLORIDA – Locals are being told to “prepare for the worst” on the back of news the Republican National Convention taking place in Florida is continuing to gather speed.

The large gathering of conservatives is thought to hit the state which is already experiencing the first effects: a reduction in racial diversity and a warm front of hostility towards Mexicans.

Officials have issued multiple warnings in what could be the highest outpouring of hot air to sweep across Tampa since the ill-fated Zeppelin disaster of 1908.

Advance warning

The first day has been quiet but experts are expecting the situation to take a turn for the worst once Mitt Romney is formally nominated as presidential candidate.

Residents in the path of the Republican gathering have been told they should not “tempt fate” and evacuate the area “unless you’re a white male under the age of 65”.

The function is currently classed as a category two convention, but could be upgraded to a category four when vice presidential pick Paul Ryan outlines his plans for the national budget on Wednesday.

Damage from the convention could be severe enough to send the surrounding backwards 400 years.

“Right now we’ve only heard the usual talk about tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans,” said meteorologist Mitch Connell.

“But when this area of debate moves into cutting welfare and immigration policy, that’s when we’ll see the full force of the convention bear down on Tampa.”

“It’s not going to be pretty,” he warned before urging poor people, ethnic minority and women considering travelling to the area to cancel their plans “for their own safety”.

Safety first

In preparation for an increase in rhetoric, residents have begun boarding windows, taping down contraception and laying down sandbags in efforts to keep out the torrent of mindless Fox News coverage.

“My team are monitoring for an upswing in seventeenth century ideology,” confirmed Mr Connell.  “There is millions worth of equipment set to raise the alarm if it detects 10 or more instances of the phrases ‘Regan’, ‘small government’ and ‘Obamacare in a five minute period.”

“We’re taking all the necessary precautions.”

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Dora the Explorer Cancelled After Star Deported By Authorities


ARIZONA – Nickelodeon have confirmed it has been forced to cancel Dora the Explorer after the show’s star was deported from the United States.

A spokesperson for the broadcaster, iCarly, told reporters that at 10:30am, the eight-year-old was the subject of a “routine stop and search” in which she was asked to “produce paperwork indicating her immigration status.”

Despite the backlash from children aged two to six, conservatives backed the measure, calling the decision to preserve the heart of the immigration statute “a victory for Ben 10 fans”.

‘Shock to us all’

The incident follows the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold the “show me your papers” provision of the state’s SB 1070 immigration policy.

After going to her purple backpack several times, she was still unable to find the documentation required to get her out of her latest predicament.

Boots the Monkey was left distraught as the loss of his friend and colleague who said he “did not once suspect” was an undocumented worker.

“It just never came up you know,” said the five-year-old monkey.  “We were having so much fun I never thought to ask.”

Responding to accusations of racial profiling, Governor Jan Brewer has publicly stood by her state’s laws on immigration, arguing that Dora the Explorer was justifiably stopped due to a history of  suspicious behaviour.

Law enforcement agents explained that “no American would put that time and energy into educating our nation’s children.”

The deported

There are however now serious concerns that such a case could lead to racial profiling among other Nickelodeon shows – a charge hotly denied by Governor Brewer.

“Look I’m just as upset over this as anyone,” she assured viewers.  “I’ve learned everything I know about Latinos from that show.  This is not a witch hunt.”

“The law is the law and Ms Marquez was not able to produce the necessary paperwork when prompted by authorities – that’s one lesson she should have taught herself sooner.”

Nickelodeon are said to already be making plans to replace the star with a white girl who would teach children how to speak English.

Both presidential opponents weighed in on the debate with President Barack Obama calling it a “dark day” for Telemundo.

When told Ms Dora Marquez was to be sent back to her home country, Mitt Romney expressed his disappointment and promised to begin the search for a new housekeeper “immediately”.

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