Tag Archive | "london"

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Oxford Street Terror Attack Foiled Due To Planned Engineering Works


LONDON – Al-Shabaab’s planned terror attack on major London shopping areas has been disrupted due to planned engineering work on the underground this weekend.

The Somali terror group had planned to hit Oxford Street, but were not aware the Victoria line was down and Central Line trains would be severely delayed after signal failures at Oxford Circus.

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High Speed Rail Plans Will See Government Fly Britons To Japan


BRITAIN – The British government has revealed plans to provide commuters with access to high speed rail will involve flying them to Japan to use the trains in that country.

Ministers announced the next stage of the HS2 project would rely heavily on taking passengers to their nearest major airport and providing subsidised airline tickets for “full and unfettered” use of a state of the art railway system the moment their plane lands.

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Justin Bieber Apologies to Parents For Turning Up to Concert At All


LONDON – Justin Bieber has issued an apology to parents at his concert after his unexplained absence was cut short allowing him to get on stage and sing for a moment.

The teen star did not show after two hours but eventually disappointed parent accompanying their children when showed up and began his repertoire of songs.

His appearance caused shock to many adults in the Arena who had thought the were in the clear.

Bieber fever

There were boos on the stage when the 19-year-old eventually appeared, marking the moment parents realised they would have to stay for at least one Justin Bieber song.

Writing on Twitter, the Bieber blamed an unforseen resolution of issues for his arrival.

“There is no excuse and I apologise for anyone that was upset that these technical issues did not keep me away long enough to miss the show.”

A spokesman for The O2 said promoters have been asked to explain why after being hours late, the pop star did not just “sack the whole thing off.”

Speaking outside the venue, one fan recalled the feeling of tension around the arena as more time passed without the star making an appearance.

“But then the little twat pops up on stage all of a suddenly and there was no getting out of it then.”

‘He’s shown contempt for us all’

“Who does he think he is keeping us in suspense like that,” said Jessica Martins, 42, who was moments away from telling her nine-year-old “sorry we have to go” while holding back a smile.

“Some people here tonight paid good money to sit in the front row to look like a hero your child while silently praying that his tour bus drove into a ditch somewhere on the M25 and then he goes and pulls a stunt like this and shows up!”

Mrs Martins one of several in attendance who said they would not return to another Bieber concert given the high likelihood he would actually make an appearance at some point.

“If I wanted to see a show where the artist comes two hours late and performs like nothing’s happened I would have gone to one of those rap shows.”

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Julian Assange Hospitalised After Suffering From Lack of Publicity


LONDON – Julian Assange is spending his second night recovering in a local hospital after complications resulting from Hyper Acute Lack of Public Attention (HALoPA).

With his Wikileaks publicity fading over a year ago, the medical emergency was the direct result of Julian Assange failing to find any coverage of Julian Assange in a major media outlet.

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Benitez Gains Support of Fans After Sleeping With Wayne Bridge’s Missus


LONDON – Rafa Benitez has endeared himself to fans after announcing he had slept with Wayne Bridge’s missus prior to the club’s Champions League exit.

The new Chelsea manager, who has face much hostility since his appointment looks to have turned a corner in his turbulent relationship with the Stamford Bridge faithful.

Many believe the one night stand with an ex-Chelsea player’s partner proved he did have the ability to become a success at Chelsea.

‘This is a fact’

The former Liverpool boss interrupted a press conference to reveal he had returned from the home of Wayne Bridge in the early hours of Wednesday while the player was away with his Brighton team mates.

Wayne bridge has yet to offer comment but the news has instantly changed opinion of the Spaniard, now being hailed as one of the club’s great managers.

Pundits also praised him for taking decisive action to get supporters on his side.

“We could all see the situation getting away from him after those first few games so credit to Benitez for doing something about it,” said sport columnist Martin Samuel.

“The guy was facing so much hate from fans that the only way he could hope to gain any respect was to get the best out of Fernando Torres, or screw over Wayne Bridge.”

“He’s gone for the only option that was even remotely possible.”

True Chelsea legend

It’s thought Benitez’s actions have bought him at least until the end of the current season to turn things around now he has the support of the fans.

If Benitez failed to make improvements on the pitch however, his advisors say he will be able to regain the trust of the fans next in the summer by launching a string of unwarranted racial abuse towards Anton Ferdinand.

Despite a despondent mood surrounding much of the club facing the prospect of an unwanted Europa League campaign, radio talk shows lit up with supportive fans calling for Benitez to be given a chance to succeed.

“Listen.  I was more than sceptical of Rafa when he came in,” admitted season ticket holder Shaun Cross on talkSPORT’s Call Collymore.  “Not only did he fail to win but we lost that fancy flowing football we had just days before.”

“But now I know the Rafa’s gone and done Wayne’s missus I think we should all just take a step back and give the guy a chance.”

He also added: “Chelsea Chelsea!”

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Paralympics: Oscar Pistorius Tests Positive For Sour Grapes


LONDON – In sad news for athletics, Paralympic Runner Oscar Pistorius has tested positive for the banned substance Sour Grapes.

The news of the Australian’s substance abuse has brought a cloud over the London games in what has otherwise been a fairly contested tournament.

It’s the first time an athlete has tested positive for the substance since the Ilford County High School 400m race from the school gates to the park entrance in July 2011.

‘Oscar has let himself down’

Sour Grapes are known for their effects on the human psyche.  Some effects include blaming external factors for a loss, in addition to temporary lapse in awareness that leads the taker to make similar arguments launched against him just weeks ago.

Pistorius had been suspected of Sour Grapes when he raised the issue of blade length to the IOC.  But he tested negative for the substance when he was winning all of his races.  He failed a routine test immediately following his 200m loss to someone who ran faster than him.

“We run the standard tests for all banned substances on every athlete,” described an anti-doping official.  “Hormones, anabolic agents, Sour Grapes, androgenic steroids.  All of it.”

“Our results showed Mr Pistorius was three times over the legal limit for Sour Grapes and has been given a formal warning as to his formal conduct.”

Although prohibited under the International Olympic Committee’s anti-doping program rules, Sour Grapes are classified as a specified substance, which can carry a reduced sentence.

This is due to the fact they do not count as a performance enhancing substance, though they are still frowned upon in many internationally recognised sports as well as among children over the age of 10.

Juicing

“It’s disappointing to say the least,” said Arne Ljungqvist, head of the IOC’s medical commission and a director of the World Anti Doping Agency.

“People want to see a fair and clean games and to discover one of our most prominent athletes was juicing on sour grapes is not good for the imagine of the sport.”

After results were made public, the south African had no choice to an immediate apology.

“I want to apologies to the fans,” Pistorius told reporters.  “Obviously I wasn’t fully aware Sour Grapes was on the [banned substance] list.  I never would have taken them otherwise.”

“Now that it’s been brought to my attention I know I have to stop using them after races in future.”

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Olympics: Incredible Hulk Protests Innocence Amid Doping Controversy


LONDON – The Incredible Hulk is fighting to save his reputation after being accused of taking performance enhancing substances during the London Olympics.

The damning allegation followed a series of “disturbing” gold medal performances in the men’s weightlifting contest which saw the Hulk destroy the world record by approximately five metric tonnes.

However, he did go on to lose to China’s Zhang Jike in the table tennis singles final.

Cheat speculation

Commentators were stunned at a performance in which he successfully lifted 94 kg plus an additional 5000 kg “as if it was nothing” then went on to throw a television crew van clear of the grounds before leaping over the Olympic stadium to the nearby velodrome in a single bound.

Several officials in attendance suggested “serious questions” needed to be asked, though the allegations sparked angry reactions from the coaching team and comic book geeks alike.

Hulk has denied taking any banned substances having already passed a drugs test prior to the start of the games.  He has been cleared to compete in his remaining events including the shot put, 200m hurdles and the 3 km long jump over buildings.

The news represents the biggest controversy at the Olympic games since Popeye was handed a lifetime ban in 1996 having been found guilty of consuming large quantities of performance enhancing salad.

Since then drug testing standards have tightened significantly, but Russian coach Sergei Pavlenko believes it is still possible for gaps to be exploited.

“No system can be foolproof,” argued Pavlenko.  “You saw same thing as me.  What he did, it’s not natural.“

“The way he flip truck over like child throw toys?”

“And the veins on his neck.  I’m just saying IOC must take closer look at this guy.”

‘Hulk strongest there is’

In a brief but strongly worded statement the seven foot, 1040 pound athlete categorically stated: “Hulk no drug cheat,” before adding: “Hulk smash hurtful lies.”

He attributed his success to a rigorous training schedule and hard work and has been backed by his coaches who have all dismissed doping claims as sour grapes.

“Hulk practise.  Coach good,” explained the gigantic humanoid.  “Hulk never lazy. Hulk train hard.”

Head coach Captain America also moved to make clear that “Hulk is 100% clean.  No way he’s juicing.”

“Hulk puts his all into every event he enters,” he insisted.  “He gets over excited sometimes but I don’t think that should count against him.”

An investigation is under way.

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Emergency Troops To Fill Empty Spaces on London Underground


LONDON – The British government has confirmed it will look into reports of empty seats on the London Underground which has left locals without a convenient excuse to arrive late to work.

An urgent investigation has been launched as a result with workers in the capital expressing disappointment they have not been massively delayed on their commute to the office.

The smooth operation of London’s tube network was a major blow to those looking forward to having a ready made excuse when strolling into the office at 11am.

Emergency situation

Organisers were forced to act after gaps were visible on a number of trains across Central and Jubilee Lines ensuring a trouble free journey for several commuters, many of whom say they feel let down after promises of packed trains and delayed journeys failed to manifest.

Although unconfirmed, potentially embarrassing eye-witness accounts suggest the travel situation was so under control there was room to allow women and those with small children to get off a train before boarding.

Financial clerk David Cross told of his anger at getting into work seven minutes earlier than usual on the first commute since the games began.

“This is a total shambles,” blasted Mr Cross. “A big part of the London 2012 promise was for every Londoner to have a good excuse to come to work late.”

“Someone needs to take responsibility for this fiasco,” he said adding: “I hate my job.”

“It was supposed to be simple,” explained another commuter who chose to remaining anonymous.  “I get in get in at half 11, blame the Olympics, have lunch at half 12, then leave work early to beat ‘the rush’.”

“But today I got in at half eight like always.  Who’s responsible for this?!”

‘We’re working to rectify the problem’

London Mayor Boris Johnson said the empty seats were “very disappointing” suggesting the problem was “down to certain individuals who bought travelcards in advance but subsequently decided to take a taxi.”

He then outlined plans to call in emergency troops to “slow things down by “bringing in troops on a temporary basis so we can gum up the works.”

“They’ll be walking around aimlessly, getting in the way while holding tube maps upside down and holding doors open instead of waiting two minutes for the next train.”

“Clearly we’ve fallen short of expectations set before the games and we are working tirelessly to ensure our transport system buckles under pressure as we promised it would.”

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Leveson Inquiry: Sideshow Bob Questioned Over Phone Hacking


ENGLAND – Ex News International executive and professional clown Sideshow Bob is the latest individual to be called up to the Leveson inquiry surrounding ethics in journalism.

Real name Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, the former aide to Krusty the Clown has come under intense scrutiny over his role in the  News of the World phone hacking scandal.

It is not yet known who if any other characters from the Simpsons are involved in the ongoing investigation into News Corp activities.

‘BY LUCIFER’S BEARD!’

Sideshow Bob has twice been arrested by authorities investigating allegations of phone hacking, corrupt payments to public officials, and repeated attempts to kill Bart Simpson.

In each occasion he was bailed and has not been charged.

Early into proceedings, the committee heard details pf Sideshow Bob’s contact with the Prime Minister after the Yale graduate resigned from his role as chief executive of Rupert Murdoch’s British newspaper subsidiary following the scandal.

He said the message from David Cameron was “along the lines” of “keep your hair up”.

Sideshow Bob also received sympathetic messages from senior figures in 10 and 11 Downing Street, the Home Office, the Foreign Office and Springfield Mayor Joe Quimby.

However, he will not be questioned on any information that could prejudice outside trials related to his schemes to blow up then wife Selma Bouvier, or an alleged plot to detonate a nuclear device.

On his relationship with News Corp executive chairman Rupert Murdoch, Sideshow Bob said “on the big issues we had similar views” but they disagreed over issues including the environment, immigration and whether or not Bart Simpson should be allowed to live.

Probing questions

He said he spoke to Mr Murdoch “very frequently” but denied reports they went swimming together, arguing that the very notion was “preposterous” as he avoided getting his hair wet due to “quite horrific” consequences.

Displaying a combative streak, he sparred with the inquiry’s lead counsel, Robert Jay, often claiming that “this trial demeans you and I both, Mr Jay.”

He also suggested he suffered more criticism and gossip about his relationship with Rupert Murdoch because he had been a clown’s sidekick.

Sideshow Bob continues to deny any knowledge of phone hacking on his watch.

Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry witness list for next week has been published and includes appearances from brother Cecil and former co-worker Sideshow Mel.

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Ashley Young Called Up To British Olympic Diving Team


ENGLAND – Manchester United winger Ashley Young has received a surprise call up to join Team GB after a number of impressive dives in recent weeks.

Professional diving coaches have heaped plaudits on Young for his ability to execute flawless dives “at the drop of a hat”, and demanded that he be added to the Olympic line up immediately.

Many believed that with the inclusion of the 26-year-old, Britain have a genuine chance of bringing home gold in the three metre springboard and ten metre platform events.

‘He’s a natural’

The Manchester United regular has already proved he is capable of various styles of diving including front, back, reverse, inward and aerial twist moves, with professionals claimed he was already the finished product.

Team GB diving coach Alexei Evangulov said after elaborate dives against Queen’s Park Rangers and Aston Villa, Young could forego qualifying rounds and be placed straight into the final team for London.

“I’d never heard of Ashley Young before today, “ admitted Evangulov.  “But I  now see some tapes and he is good…maybe the best I’ve ever seen.”

Evangulov revealed the England International could even partner diving prodigy Tom Daley in the synchronised diving events.

Daley welcomed Young to the team saying that the addition of such a consistent diver would enable him to “learn a few things” in practise sessions.

Though coaches did question whether Young would be able to perform at the same level in the summer where there wouldn’t be the faintest touch of an opposing defender to set him off.

Going for gold

Manchester United Manager Alex Ferguson was initially wary about letting his star participate in the Olympics on the back of a long season, “but when you have a talent like Ashley does I can understand why they would want him in.”

Ferguson indicated the only thing necessary for Young to perform at his best is to keep a man dressed in black shorts wearing a whistle in the vicinity of the pool area.

After a row over team member nationality, Lord Sebastian Coe said is was just nice to see home grown talent make it through to the final group of players.

“His technique is fabulous,” remarked Lord Coe. “I’m very glad to have Ashley on board he’s demonstrated that he’s the best diver the country has at the moment.”

“This just shows that British talent is alive and well.”

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