Tag Archive | "lindsay lohan"

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Barack Obama Appoints Lindsay Lohan As Scandal Czar

WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.

As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.

The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.

New role

Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.

The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.

Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”

“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”

It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.

Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.

‘Much needed expertise’

Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”

Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.

“Let me be clear,”  Obama began.  “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career.  Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”

The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.

The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.

Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”

“Boy I miss those days.”

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WikiLeaks: Saudis Biggest Funder of Lindsay Lohan Movies

HOLLYWOOD – Saudi Arabia is the single biggest contributor to the funding of ‘truly awful’ Lindsay Lohan movies and is unwilling to cut off the money supply, according to a leaked note from Hillary Clinton — running into millions of dollars and a handful of horrible viewing experiences.

The US Secretary of State says in a secret memorandum that donors in the kingdom still “constitute the most significant source of funding to those God damn films” and that “it has been an ongoing challenge to persuade Saudi officials to recognise them as terrible by any standard and she should not be encouraged to continue acting.  Ever.”

‘Don’t they read the scripts?’

Saudi Arabia is accused of failing to prevent some of its richest citizens financing the production of titles such as Georgia Rule, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and Labor Pains. It’s alleged that producers regularly travel to UAE to take advantage of its weak sense of what makes a good film.

Similar leaks have also occurred from IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, and every critic who saw I Know Who Killed Me.  It’s understood that much of the funding supposedly for Islamic charities had been siphoned over years to aid the production of a string of box office flops.

“The Saudis have really done it now,” noted Republican House speaker John Boehner. “Georgia Rule?!  What were they thinking giving money to that train wreck.  Now we know where the money is coming from, the Obama administration needs to come down hard on this.”

Vicious circle

Saudi authorities had made some high-profile arrests in the last two years, wanting to appear proactive on the issue. Other cables obtained by WikiLeaks describe details of the arrest of 44 fund-raisers “to deter potential donors from giving money to suspected producers of any of her movies.”

This appears to be just the tip of the iceberg however, and movie-goers are now demanding a tough stance from the government that would lead to an end to the recurring box office nightmares.

“Freaky Friday was decent and Mean Girls was okay if you like that sort of thing, but the rest should be brought to an end as a matter of national security,” claimed one critic who observed that “we’re spending money to see these films so we can rate them badly.  That money then goes back to the Saudis so they can finance more of her movies!  It’s a death spiral.”

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BP Call End To Flow of Negative Media Reporting On Gulf

LOUISIANA – BP officials have formally declared an end to the outpouring of negative press seen since an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig in April.   The incident saw an unstoppable stream of dangerously hazardous media coverage leak into newspapers, television and all over the internet, causing untold damage to the company’s public image.

Attempts to plug the stories started when news channels became distracted with Lindsay Lohan violating probation, while additional relief came when Paris Hilton was found to be in possession of cocaine. The leak was finally stopped last week when all anyone wanted to talk about was Lady Gaga’s meat dress, allowing the population to successfully forget there was ever oil in the Gulf.

Tests conducted early Sunday confirmed an end to any coverage on the inevitable long term damage to the Gulf Coast.  “The reports on the oil spill are now effectively dead,” said BP’s point man on the PR disaster.  “We’ve been tracking BBC, MSNBC and Fox and thankfully no one’s covering it.  I’ve heard CNN may run a special reports, but no one watches CNN anyway.“

‘Important milestone’

Outgoing chief Tony Hayward – criticised for suggesting all TV’s simply ‘be switched off’ to stem the flow of bad news – was pleased a permanent solution was found, but warned it could take a while until the stock price fully recovers.

Barack Obama hailed the news, declaring the crisis over and vowing to never mention the oil spill in the hopes that people would ‘just forget it happened’.  In a statement, he thanked all those who had “worked around the clock to dig up meaningless stories about Hollywood celebrities to ensure the Gulf news stories stopped leaking forever.”

The president also expressed hope that attention could now turn to capping the leak of stories about him being a Muslim.

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