Tag Archive | "libya"

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UN Inspectors: North Korea May Be Developing Food Technology


PYONGYANG – The United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission have warned that North Korea is secretly developing technology that will “soon allow it to feed its own people.”

A new report raised fears the country has made “significant” progress in the construction of basic cooking facilities capable of providing regular meals to a growing percentage of the population.

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Ohio Officials Thank Libyan Rebels For Putting Down Libyan Mad Dog


ZANESVILLE – An Ohio sheriff said has issued his “sincerest thanks” to Libya’s National Transitional Council for putting down the last of the wild animals to escape from a private zoo.

The Libyan mad dog (canis lupis rabiosi) is a non-domesticated form of canine native to the North African country and notorious for irrational violence, unintelligible communication patterns and a distinctive jheri curl-like coat.

Libyan officials described the escaped wild animals as “extremely dangerous”, advising residents to stay indoors “or call your nearest NATO representative” if spotted.

Finally got them all

Speaking at a press conference, Sheriff Matt Lutz confirmed “we have now accounted for all animals to escape the zoo during the week,” before thanking the rebels for assisting with the unfortunate termination of all animals released.

Libyan rebel chief Mahmoud Jibril promised to return the body to Ohio state in the morning for proper disposal – It is still not known how one of the escaped animals managed to travel as far as North Africa.

Despite praise from the sheriff’s department, the rebels have come under harsh criticism from animal rights group PETA, who slammed them for not making greater efforts to bring the escaped animal alive.

“We understand these animals are wild and dangerous,” said a spokesperson.  “The mad dog is especially troublesome and a public danger, but we just believe the rebels could have made greater strides to subdue it by non-lethal means like tranquilizers or UN sanction.”

‘Had to end this way’

US nature host Jack Hanna said the death was especially tragic as it was the only one left in the wild, but did agree rebel forces “probably did the right thing.”

“Of course it’s always best to see dangerous animals returned safely to the facility.  But once it goes this long without capture, the animal can become feral and there’s usually really only one way these things end.”

He later added: “Dems the breaks.”

The shooting brings the final death toll to 18 Bengal tigers, 20 lions, 1 wolf, 6 black bears, 2 grizzly bears, 1 baboon and 1 mad dog.

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Gaddafi Audio Message: “I’m Still Mayor On Foursquare”


UNDISCLOSED – Libya’s former leader Mouammar Gaddafi has released a defiant audio message warning rebel forces that while he appears to have lost his grip on his regime, he is still Mayor of Tripoli on Foursquare.

Despite a dramatic wave of revolutions leading to a rejection of his 42-year autocratic rule, Colonel Gaddafi boasted that he could still get bigger discounts than National Transitional Council forces currently occupying the area.

Gaddafi spoke in an audio message broadcast on YouTube to remind viewers of his superiority within the location-based social network.

‘I still run this town’

Although he still held control of Tripoli and several other key locations on Foursquare, this was a decline from his previous status of “Super Mayor” which he held prior to February.

The ousted despot is believed to be hiding somewhere in Libya, having rejected claims of fleeing the country, sources believe he remains reluctant to leave without taking full advantage of the discounts offered by his mayor status.

This comes as a result of checking into Tripoli more time than anyone over the past three years, enabling him to receive 20% discount on coffee and muffins every Wednesday.

Was unrepentant as he vowed to maintain his iron-clad grip on the mayorship.  “What is happening in Libya is a charade.  They may have occupied my palace and my home town, but they can’t get two for one off any lunchtime pizza,” said a belligerent Gaddafi.

Maintain power

However, anti-Gaddafi forces say they have begun checking into Tripoli on a daily basis and have already received the “Party Crasher” badge.

Analysts also believed that it was just a matter of time before rebels register enough check-ins to relieve Gaddafi of his mayor status, or an entirely new service caused people lost interest in the current one.

Rebel leader Hisham Buhagiar said he and his men would remain patient and in the meantime were happy to keep paying full price for lattes and baked goods.

“We have been checking in everyday since we installed the app,” Buhagiar confirmed.  “We officially received the ‘It’s a Revolution!’ badge only yesterday.  Gaddafi’s days of being mayor here are numbered.”

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Colonel Gaddafi Mistaken For Tea Party Candidate


LIBYA -   A new poll suggests Tea Party voters may have confused Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi for a valid Republican presidential nominee following a string of rambling audio messages and all round special behaviour.

The figures surprisingly show the troubled dictator to be a viable candidate for the GOP nomination on the back of Tea Party support – posting a nine point lead over Governor Rick Perry.

Gaddafi garnered 26% of the vote, followed by Rick Perry (17%), Mitt Romney (15%), Michele Bachmann (11%), and none of the above (9%).

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Ashton Kutcher ‘To Replace Colonel Gaddafi In Libya’


LIBYA – Multiple reports out of Tripoli have indicated that former Punk’d star Ashton Kutcher is in ‘late stage’ talks to replace Colonel Gaddafi as leader of Libya.

Recent events appear to have put an end to the Libyan ruler’s multi-decade run as the firebrand, but lovable dictator.  This after a NATO backed rebel uprising have left him “seriously considering other career options,” according to reports.

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Arsene Wenger Adamant Colonel Gaddafi “Doing Just Fine”


LONDON – Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has come out in support of Muammar Gaddafi, insisting that talk of crisis in Libya was ‘premature’.

In a defiant press conference, the 61-year-old questioned whether the Libyan dictator was really under pressure, declaring the recent assault on the capital by a jubilant NATO backed revel army as a temporary problem that was still very salvageable.

The Arsenal man also indicated he was looking forward to wining silverware in the new Premier League campaign.

‘He can still save this’

NATO air strikes have been targeting Colonel Gaddafi’s forces for six months, but Wenger refused to admit things were as bad as they looked and could see no good reason reason for Gaddafi to quit his post.

He also advised Colonel Gaddafi to ignore the critics and continue his strategy of issuing rambling messages of defiance in spite of the reality surrounding him as “it has worked for the past 42 years so why change?”

When asked whether he thought the seizure of Gaddafi’s compound, the capture and defection of his former allies, and an international army hunting him down would have an effect on his ability to stay in power, Wenger was clear:

“Maybe, maybe not.  We will have to wait and see. People tell me he is under pressure, but I don’t see it.”

‘Everything is fine’

Recent images have shown rebels sweeping into Tripoli during the weekend, and by Tuesday had overrun Colonel Gaddafi’s compound.

“I saw the television pictures of rebels looting the compound…but this does not mean all is lost,” said the Arsenal boss.

The Frenchman was confident that with a little more time, the Libyan dictator would be able to re-establish his previous dominance over the country:

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” said Wenger.  “Gaddafi is close to turning a corner in Libya.  This is very clear to me.”

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Fox News Pranks Nation, Imitates Credible News Outlet


NEW YORK – Fox News has been widely credited for staging ‘the greatest April Fool’s prank of the year’ by masking as a legitimate news organisation for an entire 24-hour news cycle.

Praised for taking practical jokes to a whole new level, April 1st 2011 will surely be remembered as the one day Fox News could be taken seriously.

Fox & Friends presenter Steve Doocy said it was an amazing achievement by the nation’s leading news provider to convince viewers they were watching a scrupulous journalistic enterprise.

Fair and Balanced

In just one example of hilarity, video footage was repeatedly played in full context, allowing viewers to decide the merits of the story for themselves.

Many only noticed something was amiss after hours went by without any reference to ‘Obamacare’, Nazi Germany, or the latest insidious plot on behalf of Islamic radical extremists to impose Sharia law over an unsuspecting American population.

The network even went as far as admitting the president was ‘not a Muslim’ and ‘born in America’.

Doocy admitted it was hard to get through a segment without making it seem like he had the collective balls of the Republican Party permanently attached to his chin, but maintained it was worth the effort to pull off “truly one of the greatest April Fool’s pranks of the year…maybe ever.”

‘I thought I was watching C-Span’

The toll was visible as the day wore on, with Sean Hannity visibly perspiring with the effort required to appear as an unbiased journalist simply reporting the facts of the day’s stories.

The stunt was not without a cost however – Nielsen Media Research reported ratings dipped by up to 20% as viewers lost patience and looked to other sources for their make believe news.

The network also expressed regret over the need to cancel Glenn Beck’s show for the day, as “even five minutes of Glenn would’ve given the entire game up.”

‘We’ll struggle to top this one’

“It was hard work, but it was worth it.  We totally fooled everyone,” said Megan Kelly who described the hoax as a genius idea “no-one would have expected from us in a million years.”

Though confident it was worth the effort “to go against our normal instincts,” she assured regular viewers they would be going back to their usual format of playing the nation’s Conservative mouthpiece and “horribly mangling any facts foolish enough to get in the way of our fear based right-wing narrative.”

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“We Can Build Extra Planes From Lego” Says Cameron


UK – The operation to implement the Libyan no-fly zone has left British armed forces are scrambling to construct a fleet of fighter jets, submarines and ammunition from Lego in efforts to support it’s military after recent budget cuts to equipment and personnel.

As a result of a reduction in military hardware, the government has been forced to import a ‘boatload’ of the colourful interlocking plastic bricks in efforts to manufacture the necessary equipment to continue being effective in an on-going military operation.

‘We will remain fully capable’

Defence analyst Charles Heyman noted earlier that cuts would leave Britain unable to carry out crucial operations without risking the lives of soldiers, a claim rubbished by PM David Cameron who was confident the country had enough Lego bricks to make up the slack created by public spending cuts.

“Obviously Charles is not aware of all the Legos we have in our possession,” he said following a meeting of the Government’s Cobra emergency committee – which stated that the primary task would be the procurement of ‘mission critical’ 2×4 Lego blocks.

“We’re working hard to supply our troops with all the Lego they’ll need in Libya,” Cameron later reiterated.

Britain’s involvement in the first stage of the strikes against Libya have been relatively limited thus far.  If the operation were to drag on for months however, the country would be prepared to begin ‘Operation Red Brick, Yellow Brick‘ – manufacturing Lego bombers from a base in Legoland Berkshire.

Fun for all ages

The plan was not without criticism however, as it was pointed out that the Lego artillery may not withstand a fall of more than 20 feet on hard surface and Mr Heyman had genuine fears that pro-Gaddafi forces would be able to take British military equipment apart and construct a fortress to defend against further attacks, or worse.

“Could we live with ourselves if that monster began using British Lego against his own people?”

In a bid to ease fears, Defense secretary Liam Fox confirmed that the country would be contracting Lego experts from local nurseries to aid construction of ‘new and innovative’ military hardware such as two planes attached to each other to make a ‘super plane’.

A successful campaign could even lead to Lego being deployed in Afghanisatn, finally providing personnel with vital Lego supplies to construct much needed equipment such as helmets, helicopters, the Taj Mahal “or whatever the particulars of the situation called for.”

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Colonel Gaddafi Demands Sheen Role In Two And A Half Men


LIBYA – Colonel Gaddafi has launched a ferocious promotional campaign against Warner Bros studios, demanding to be considered as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on Two and a Half Men.

In his speech, he rubbished claims that Charlie Sheen has ‘outcrazied’ him in recent weeks and an opening on the show as an opportunity to prove ‘once and for all’ who has lost more of a grip on reality.

The Libyan leader was defiant in his rhetoric, promising to behave in even more sociopathic ways as he seeks to prove he can best the troubled star who was fired after testing positive for Charlie Sheen.

He also threatened the west if they tried to interfere in potential contract negotiations for the part.

Audition

A successful campaign would see him take on the role as the over-aged, carefree, belligerent individual living a life seemingly without responsibility or consequence.

Should he get the part, It is uncertain whether he would continue in his current role as an over-aged, carefree, belligerent individual living a life seemingly without responsibility or consequence who is also a brutal dictator.

The Libyan leader appeared in increasingly confident mood and showed no sign of willingness to compromise or talk about the other candidates for the position.

“Talk about them – what for?” he questioned.  “They are not insane like me.  They have no chance, the part is mine.  For sure, for sure.”  He then added: “My people love me,” before punching his fist in the air and yelling words yet to be translated into anything that makes sense in any language.

‘Like for like replacement’

Having given at least as many rambling non-sensical television interviews as Sheen, many observers have wondered what more the anti-democracy advocate had to do to receive a phone call from studio executives.

Gaddafi’s campaign has even been backed by cast members Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones who play ‘the other guy’ and ‘the kid’ respectively.  Jones was certain that Gaddafi possessed all the  characteristics to ensure a smooth transition into a ninth – and no way unnecessary – season.

Gaddafi lack of acting credentials could present a risk as would his recurring habit of killing off any and all that oppose him.  Cryer however, was sure that it would not be a problem as “Charlie never did any acting on the show anyway.”

“And they both look like they’ve been partying all night.  In fact, the only thing they don’t have in common is Platoon.”

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The A-Team To Be Deployed To Libya


TRIPOLI – In an overly dramatic bid to put an end to the political unrest in Libya, the UN have enlisted the services of the A-Team for what is understood to be for a ‘reasonable’ fee.

UN secretary general Ban Ki Moon confirmed the appointment after admitting the Libya situation presented “a severe problem that no one else could help with.”

He later added: “dum d-dum dum, dum dum dum, da da dum d-dum dum, dum da da dum…”

Just hired the A-Team

Lead by Colonel John ‘Hannibal’ Smith, he team of Lieutenant Templeton ‘Face’ Peck, Captain ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock and Sergeant B.A. Baracus have been tasked with bringing order to a country that Colonel Smith believed “doesn’t know the meaning of the word,” before putting his cigar back into his mouth and staring of into the distance.

With the military situation worsening and population centres threatened, the appointment of the A-Team has come just in time for rebel forces.

Colonel Smith was confident that once they touched down, anti-Gaddafi rebels would be able to kick back and “let us handle the blowing stuff up from here.”

The team left for the port city of Tripoli yesterday and would take a several weeks to reach the situation having been forced to travel by sea due to Sergeant Baracus’ refusal to get on “no damn plane, fool!”

Expected to bring Gaddafi to justice, prevent the outbreak of a prolonged civil war and find time to coolly walk away from explosions all within a two hour time slot – allowing for ad breaks.

‘I love it when a military coup comes together’

Speaking prior to the operation, BA promised to shut down Colonel Gaddafi and his ‘jibba jabba’ for good.  I can’t understand a word that crazy suka says and it be gittin on my damn nerves!”

The sergeant will also be on hand to distribute humanitarian aid in the form of free Snickers if required.

British Defense minister Liam Fox was forced to admit the logic in the UN’s decision after a recent SAS mission ended in humiliation.  he agreed that enlisting the services of the crack commando unit sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit couldn’t end any worse than the job done by British forces.

“Our first mistake was thinking that a team of the nation’s most highly trained military operatives could do a better job than the A-Team.  Clearly we were wrong about that.”

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