Tag Archive | "john boehner"

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Republicans Unveil Google.com As Obamacare Alternative

WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional House Republicans have unveiled their first genuine alternative to the Affordable Care Act: google.com.

Titled the “Just Google It” Healthcare Act, or “Googlecare”, the plan is set to put to rest ongoing criticism that the Republican party had up till now offered no practical alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act.

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Americans Avoid Fiscal Cliff By Throwing Congress Over Actual Cliff

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unexpected resolution, Americans have agreed an 11th hour deal to solve the country’s fiscal problems by pushing members of congress over an actual cliff.

A deal was reached by citizens across all 50 states and is set to solve US economic problems by removing what many agree is the biggest threat to the country’s fiscal future.

The American people said it was time to “end the game of chicken played by Congress” and send them “over the nearest cliff like a game of lemmings”.

Budget deal agreed

Slow progress by both Republicans and Democrats prompted ordinary Americans to put forward their own proposal to stop steep tax rises and spending cuts.

It’s thought the deal will involve gathering congressional leaders and frog march them over the nearest cliff.

The bipartisan agreement, supported by a majority of Americans, will take effect by the end of January once a big enough net could be found.

Washington native Joshua Scott said the agreement, which was agreed to by 300 million citizens, was negotiated inside three hours – less time than House Speaker John Boehner spends in a tanning bed session according to inside sources.

“We were all just frustrated with the lack of progress on Capitol Hill so we got together and worked out a deal that was best for us,” said Mr Scott.

“With this deal the U.S. will avoid a double dip recession and make future political discussions a heck of a lot smoother with less politicians around.”

According to reports, the only remaining sticking point is which area of elevated ground to send Republicans and Democrats over, which Nevada’s Grand Canon the preferred option.

Analysts say this new deal was an overall positive for the country and stocks saw an optimistic rally at the thought of lawmakers being sent over a real cliff.

Long term solutions

President Obama said while the deal was “not ideal”, it remained the most sensible offer on the table and signed off on the plan earlier today.

However, Mitch McConnell, leader of the Senate’s Republican minority, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid both remain against any deal that would see them face a drop any larger than 10 feet.

Indeed, many Congressional leaders are reported to have rejected the deal, but Mr Scott said the sheer weight of numbers would ensure it gets pushed through “quite literally”.

“We understand no one like going over a cliff.”

“But it’s us or them.”

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“Actually, We Would Like To Continue Making Obama Miserable,” Say GOP

WASHINGTON – In an unexpected twist, the Republican Party have announced their exit from the race for president to concentrate on making Barack Obama’s life miserable for another four years.

Along with House members, leading GOP presidential candidates have all pledged to put their energy towards figuring out the best way to turn the president into a shell of his former self before the end of his second term in 2016.

“We want our supporters to know that we are now fully focused on the task of bringing this man to his knees.  Maybe make him cry a little too,” said former Senator Bachmann.

Breaking Obama

Having only recently joined the race, former Texas Governor Rick Perry said he was ‘extremely’ proud to step back from his bid to become president and “put our efforts it really messing with this guy.”

Perhaps acknowledging the irony of this new strategy, Mrs Bachmann explained that “yes we know that Barack Hussein Obama is a radical Socialist Muslim hell-bent on destroying our great country with his Marxist policies….but how can we constantly remind him of this if he’s not president?”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was confident that under a second Obama term, the Republican party could finish the job they started and “completely break this man’s spirit.”

“As we speak, the president looks way to healthy.  We aim to change that as soon as we can find another routine issue to endlessly debate him over,” he declared.

Cantor also confirmed he would resort to leaving flaming bags of doo doo on the White House doorstep and ringing the doorbell,  “if it was required.”

‘Four more years!’

Sources within the party are hopeful this could be achieved within the first few months of Obama’s second term leaving them free to move to ruining the relationships with his loved ones.

John Boehner assured the media the party was in full support of the decision to dedicate the next four years to “making Barack Husein Obama sorry he ever came over here from Kenya.”

“This is we as the Republican Party feel we do best,” claimed Boehner.  “We’re a sending a clear message to the American people that our only interest is making sure the Barack Obama wakes up every night in cold sweats.  Nothing else matters.”

“To be honest, this is better for the party.”

“We don’t really know what we would do if we were in charge anyway.”

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Sesame Street Cast To Explain Government To Washington

WASHINGTON – The makers of hit show Sesame Street have invited members of congress to a special taping of the show designed to teach them how governments should work.

The US risks defaulting on its financial obligations if a budget deal is not struck by August 2nd, with both sides failing to get beyond party rhetoric.

Along with the president, leading members of Congress interacted with the Sesame Street cast as they negotiated an agreement on the trash ceiling: the upper limit of garbage Oscar the Grouch is allowed to pile up around his sidewalk home.

‘G’ is for government

Executive producer Carol-Lynn Parente believes the show, a hit with pre-schoolers, could teach members of congress the fundamentals of the job they have been elected to do.

“We’ve crafted a range of fun and visually stimulating scenarios to engage them,” she explained.  “With the very complex subject of deciding whether to keep the economy running or not, sometimes you just need to go back to basics.”

Another scenario saw Cookie Monster learn to manage the cookie supply, responsibly managing consumption and distribution so he wouldn’t be forced to beg China for more in the future.

Early reactions were positive, but there were worrying signs with many congressmen said to be ‘visually stunned’ when an amicable decision between Oscar, Big Bird, Elmo and Grover was arrived at well within the show’s 60 minute duration.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, House majority leader Eric Cantor struggled to understand why the cookies weren’t reserved for the top 2% of Sesame Street earners.

Rosemarie Truglio, VP for education and research advised that not every congressmen would be able to grasp the concepts of constructive and respectful dialogue right away.  “Eric just needs some time to wrap his mind around it.”

‘Can you tell me how to get to a consensus?’

Despite reports that “Barack was a little confused when Big Bird showed leadership to bring all sides to an agreement,” Parente was optimistic the lessons would sink in.

She did show concern however when at one point John Boehner asked when the muppets would start the petty squabbling and name calling.

“We’ve successfully educated difficult children before but this was a real struggle,” she confessed wearily.  “Many of them have no real idea of how to overcome bi-partisan bickering to reach a compromise.”

“We’ve tried to make it a simple as we can.  If they don’t get it now, we’re screwed.”

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Barack Obama Launches Kickstarter Project To Service National Debt

WHITE HOUSE – United States President Barack Obama has signed up to Kickstarter in an unprecedented move to raise the capital required for the country to service its debt.

With little progress made over the weekend on negotiations to raise the federal borrowing limit, Mr Obama has taken to the crowd sourced funding platform as “the only viable option left to solve the debt crisis.”

The president had already identified more the $4 trillion in budget cuts, but was rejected by House Speaker John Boehner who refused to reduce his tanning budget by even an inch.

‘No alternative’

It is the first time the creative funding website has been used to service a nation’s debt.  Some members have criticised the use of the platform to pay bills.

The company CEO Perry Chen defended the project intentions however, suggesting the idea the government could fix its long term financial problems in such a short window was the most creative project he had ever seen on the site.

Mr Obama is aiming to bypass the current budget conflict between Republican and Democrats by turning to anonymous internet users to completely wipe the country’s debt obligations.

“What I’m proposing here, today, is to wean ourselves off debt completely,” declared Mr Obama while filing out his Kickstarter profile.

“Yes we can sit here and raise the debt ceiling as many Presidents before me have done.  Keep borrowing from China and hope they don’t notice we can never ever pay them back.  But why don’t we think outside the box for a change?”

Setting the fundraising target at $14 trillion, Obama promised every contributor would get bonus posters and stickers plus a signed copy of their social security cheque on time if the fundraising target was reached.

Give generously

Speaking to the press after adding his profile picture and video to the project, the president said soliciting funds through Kickstarter was “infinitely more viable” than trying to reach any agreement with Republicans.

Perhaps unsurprisingly plan has not been supported by the GOP, many still preferring to take whatever option lead to lower taxes for the top 2% or earners, but House leader Eric Cantor admitted it wasn’t the worst idea out there and pledged $100  to help things along.

Mr Obama was hopeful the site’s other contributors would support the project and help to raise funds “in the next 10 days or so”.

“So far we’ve got $1000 pledged…but these things always start slow.”

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Republicans Propose Bill To Repeal Candy From Babies

WASHINGTON – In a bid to address the growing budget crisis, House Republicans are set to press forward with legislation that would see candy repealed from millions of babies across the United States.

The decision follows the passing of the $14.3 trillion debt ceiling and has spurred conservatives to look for ‘tough but justifiable’ fiscal measures to curb waste in the nation’s budget.

Aside from reversing Obamacare, the GOP have maintained that the US would not be able to get its house in order unless it first tackled the ‘very real’ problem of under three’s crawling around with millions of dollars worth of lollipops, candy canes and Jelly Babies paid for by the state.

Socialist confectionery

The “Taking Candy From Babies Act of 2011” proposed by members of the conservative Republican Study Committee, would reduce current spending for non-essential sugary treats to late 19th century levels “when Peanut brittle had just hit the streets and was a shiny nickel for all you could eat,” according to Senator John McCain.

Reaction was predictably harsh from toddlers, many of whom indicated they would brand House Speaker John Boehner a ‘poopyhead’ once they learned to talk.

“I love children as much as the next guy,” defended Boehner, “unless the next guy is Roman Polanski.  The point is we cannot continue this out of control spending any longer.”

When asked about the possibility of  also addressing the military budget, Boehner said taking candy from future generations was a heck of a lot easier, “and frankly more enjoyable.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor dismissed accusations of bullying and rejected the idea of  physically taking candy from babies hands.

He clarified: “We not taking it ourselves, gosh no. We’ll get big kids to take it for us.”

Fiscal reality

A recent poll showed 90% of Republicans believed it to be best option that didn’t involve raising taxes for wealthy Americans – a move Cantor dismissed as an unfair and spiteful way to save money.

Speaking to a local kindergarten, Mr Cantor stressed the need for crying babies to stop being crybabies and accept the country was going through a tough time.

“Do you know how much this candy costs,” he said waving an over-sized lollipop.  “We have to start thinking very seriously about our fiscal response  in the face of a national debt crisis.”

Cantor continued by saying: “That means no more candy.  The government is not made of money,” later adding:  “ga ga, goo goo.”

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President Obama Defends No-Fly Zone In Angry Birds

WASHINGTON – Barack Obama has made his first formal speech in defence of the no-fly established by the United States in Angry Birds.

In a White House press briefing, the president looked to address criticism that the military intervention falls outside any reasonable remit of US foreign policy.

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“No Legislation Until We Get A Bouncy Castle” Say GOP

WASHINGTON – Republicans have wasted no time in setting their agenda for the new year by threatening to block all legislation until Barack Obama agreed to install a bouncy castle on the floor of the House of Representatives, a move which would drastically hinder the Democrats attempts at running the country or getting through to the lobby.

House majority leader John Boehner has also warned Democrat House members that they would also push for cake and ice cream to be served whilst the bouncy castle is in operation.  “And not just any ice cream either.  We want the good kind…that means Ben and Jerry’s!”

‘You already gave us tax cuts’

Many new Republican members have barely been sworn in, but are already making it clear that the installation of the inflatable plaything will be a big priority for them.  Political observers agree that recent attempts to block legislation until Bush era tax cuts were extended for the wealthy has given Republicans the confident to try the tactics again for something of equal benefit to the country.

Boehner continued: “While there are other items that might ultimately be worthy of the Senate’s attention, we cannot agree to prioritize any matters above the critical issue of having a place to kick our shoes off and acts like little kids for the next two years,” a sentiment backed by all 42 GOP senators in a letter to Democrat Leader Harry Reid.

The 42 signatures – written in crayon – are more than enough to block action on almost any item the Obama Administration wishes to advance.

‘No castle, no progress’

The president branded House Republicans as ‘childish’ and called on the to stop putting the American people hostage for the sake of cake and ice cream.  Though admitting that Ben & Jerrys was ‘some damn fine ice cream’, Mr Obama stated that he could not allow the the legislative process to be held up for a tub of Chunky Monkey.

He added. “My hope is that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell [Senate GOP leader] will realize that there will be plenty of time for cake and ice cream once we fix the economy.”

Demonstrating the same rhetoric that saw a 2010 mid-term victory, Boehner made it clear that no compromise will be considered, and no further legislation will even be looked at ‘until we see a damn bouncy castle on the floor of the House.’

He then stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed: “Lalalalalalaaaa.”

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