WASHINGTON DC – New al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has reportedly claimed responsibility for a ‘devastating’ attack on a US mailbox.
In the first successful terrorist attack on US soil since 2001, the Washington mailbox is said to have had as much as 20 pounds of ‘unidentified’ feces deposited into it in the early hours of Thursday morning.
The damage was discovered during a routine collection by USPS employee Dave Phelan, still shaken from his ordeal. “I reached in to get the mail like I always do and felt…oh God, I can’t even stand to think about it. Turn the mic off, please.”
A video featuring a buoyant al-Zawahiri was posted on Jihadi websites shortly after the attack and claimed responsibility for what is being described as a “marginal disruption to a small section of the nation’s mail delivery service.”
“We did this,” began the al-Qaeda number one. “Your mail is covered in doo doo because of our brothers in Jihad. Osama [bin Laden] may be dead – God rest his soul, but we have the means and the fibre to continue striking your homeland.”
The ramifications of al-Zawahiri words remain fresh in the minds of the nations top security personnel.
“Make no mistake, this was a well planned and executed attack on US soil that has left large sections of mail undeliverable,” admitted Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, describing the attack as “just plain nasty.”
Prehaps most damning, was the fact the attack occurred only 37 miles from the White House, the implications of which were not lost on CIA director Leon Panetta.
“What if this has been the President’s mail covered in doo doo?! We’re looking at a steaming pile of extremism and it doesn’t look good. It doesn’t look good or smell good at all.”
Security was immediately raised around all US mailboxes – a clear sign of the wariness gripping the country following such a pungent attack.
Terror analysts believe this act could be “just the start” of a string of minor felonies perpetrated by a rejuvenated al-Qaeda.
“This shows that they are not done by any stretch of the imagination. We’re still venerable to this kind of attack and they know it,” said Panetta.
“I mean, It’s going to take ages to clean that doo doo out of the mailbox.”