Tag Archive | "jihad"

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Al-Qaeda: US Must Better Protect Its Freedoms Before More Attacks


AFGHANISTAN – In a newly released video message, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri launched a scathing attack against the U.S. for introducing legislation that “will make our job of terrorizing American citizens redundant”.

The message, issued on Islamist websites late on Thursday, features Zawahiri rallying against the National Defense Authorization Act which would “destroy at least five or six civil liberties we had our eye on attack next year.”

Homeland Security have confirmed the authenticity of the recording.

‘What is the point?’

According to the terrorist mastermind, a bill that allows American citizens to be detained indefinitely, interrogated and assassinated makes it pointless to consider the United States a target for future terror attacks.

“I tell our brothers united in Jihad against the West that we need to take hostages and hold them in secret cells, but America already plan to do this,” cried Zawihiri.

“So I tell my brothers we should instead begin leading strikes against innocents in the country of the infidels, but America want to do this too!”

On the tape, the  al-Qaeda leader became increasingly agitated as he demanded the U.S. government halt the erosion of its freedoms that would result in as any as a dozen sleepers cells being made redundant due to a lack of opportunities.

Zawihiri said the United States needed to do “much much” more to protect its freedoms if al-Qaeda are to continue targeting the country, and went as far as suggesting the organisation may consider moving its operations to a country less terrorized by its own elected leaders.

Must do more

Towards the end of the 38 minute rant, Zawihiri showed deep concern that American would now have to go a long way to ensuring the integrity of its constitutional liberties before any of their planned atrocities would be noticed.

“Now if we go and start assassinating innocent people no one would believe it was our idea,” blasted a frustrated Zawihri.

Looking defeated, he announced that while al-Qaeda is “fully prepared” to continue Jihad again the freedoms of the West, “if these freedom no longer exist then what am I recruiting you all for, huh?”

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New al-Qaeda Leader Starts Small, Stages Attack On US Mailbox


WASHINGTON DC – New al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has reportedly claimed responsibility for a ‘devastating’ attack on a US mailbox.

In the first successful terrorist attack on US soil since 2001, the Washington mailbox is said to have had as much as 20 pounds of ‘unidentified’ feces deposited into it in the early hours of Thursday morning.

The damage was discovered during a routine collection by USPS employee Dave Phelan, still shaken from his ordeal.  “I reached in to get the mail like I always do and felt…oh God, I can’t even stand to think about it.  Turn the mic off, please.”

‘It’s ruined’

A video featuring a buoyant al-Zawahiri was posted on Jihadi websites shortly after the attack and claimed responsibility for what is being described as a “marginal disruption to a small section of the nation’s mail delivery service.”

“We did this,”  began the al-Qaeda number one.  “Your mail is covered in doo doo because of our brothers in Jihad.  Osama [bin Laden] may be dead – God rest his soul, but we have the means and the fibre to continue striking your homeland.”

The ramifications of al-Zawahiri words remain fresh in the minds of the nations top security personnel.

“Make no mistake, this was a well planned and executed attack on US soil that has left large sections of mail undeliverable,” admitted Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, describing the attack as “just plain nasty.”

Prehaps most damning, was the fact the attack occurred only 37 miles from the White House, the implications of which were not lost on CIA director Leon Panetta.

“What if this has been the President’s mail covered in doo doo?!  We’re looking at a steaming pile of extremism and it doesn’t look good.  It doesn’t look good or smell good at all.”

Further attacks

Security was immediately raised around all US mailboxes – a clear sign of the wariness gripping the country following such a pungent attack.

Terror analysts believe this act could be “just the start” of a string of minor felonies perpetrated by a rejuvenated al-Qaeda.

“This shows that they are not done by any stretch of the imagination.  We’re still venerable to this kind of attack and they know it,”  said Panetta.

“I mean, It’s going to take ages to clean that doo doo out of the mailbox.”

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Japanese Tanker Damaged in Whale Terror Attack


DUBAI, UAE – A tanker damaged while travelling to Japan was found to be the target of a whale terror attack say the United Arab Emirates.  A group of whales have already claimed responsibility for the attack as investigators reveal the ‘M Star’ was hit by an explosives-laden manatee in the Persian Gulf in what is the first terrorist attack by sea creatures since Deep Blue Sea and escalates the long running war between Japanese whalers and the whales they gut on a mass scale.  ”We found manatee remains all over the deck” said a UAE report which also highlighted the groups use of endangered species for suicide bombing missions.  The ships owner Mitsui O.S.K had originally played down possible whale involvement saying that it could be a submarine collision, wave or blind shark.  But investigators maintained on Thursday that its oil tanker was probably attacked by extremist whales and it was ‘only natural that they would seek retribution from the Japanese’.
Read the full story

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Al Qaeda To Use Junk Food In Effort To Kill More Americans


JACKSON, MS – Al Qaeda have admitted they can no longer compete with fast food restaurants when it comes to killing Americans and will halt current terrorist activities to open their own burger chain.

The decision was made after seeing KFC released a new sandwich where fried chicken is the bread and Friendly’s restaurant introduce a burger where the bread is two grilled cheese sandwiches.

“The chicken is the bread! How can we compete with that?!” said number two Ayman al-Zawahri. “Our most sophisticated explosive devices cannot take as many lives as these sandwiches.”

The Islamic Terror group remained committed to carrying out atrocities against American, but will change direction by launching ‘Jihad Express Burger’ which will deal a ‘deliciously slow and agonising death to our enemies.’

“Of course we are still believe in death to America, but we have to adapt to the times” explained Zawahri. “We have developed a sandwich with beef injected chicken as the bread and a mixture of cheese and hot dog meat in between.  It’s topped with one hundred percent pure trans fat. We call it the Jihad Burger.  Bacon is 50 cents extra.”

Zawahri believes that the move into fast food presented the most efficient means of dealing death to immoral westerners across the country. “We can still deal death to Americans and also reduce the cost of indoctrinating new recruits after each suicide mission.”

The new plan to terrorise civilians has gone down surprisingly well in many states across the US with hungry Americans eager to taste Islamic extremist hated in burger form.

“Yeah, that burger sounds good. These guys are finally speaking my language” said one man between mouthfuls of a 72oz steak and Diet Coke.

Jihad Express Burger restaurants will open in selected locations this year.  The first hundred Americans eat free.

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