Tag Archive | "janet napolitano"

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“Al-Qaeda Planning 9/11 Anniversary Dinner” Says Homeland Security


WASHINGTON DC – US security officials have leaned that al-Qaeda are planning an ‘ambitious’ dinner ahead of the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, “possibly on a rooftop or in a candlelight room somewhere.”

The announcement comes as chatter caught by the FBI shows the radical group to be in the “advanced stages” of a plot to host an elaborate meal to celebrate the occasion.

Only sketchy details have been given over the nature of the meal and security authorities emphasised that while the intelligence was uncorroborated, “we think it’s a seven course meal with a fish or steak based main course.”

A White House official confirmed the president had been briefed on the dinner plans earlier in the day.

Special occasion

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano called the threat “the biggest plot we have seen from this organisation since their failed attempt to arrange a movie night earlier this year.”

She told reporters there had been “a lot of chatter” surrounding the topic of table settings and plate arrangements, but now details on specific menu items are beginning to emerge.

There are have also been unconfirmed reports of three chefs with links to al-Qaeda entering a US based culinary institution in August to learn skills necessary to prepare the landmark meal.

This, coupled with several best selling cookbooks retrieved from Osama bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound in May, suggests the former al-Qaeda leader planned to put on a “lavish feast” to mark the 10th anniversary.

Several pages were also said to be smeared with tomato and herb sauce: A clear sign the plot had moved past planning stages.

‘We must remain vigilent’

Officials believe new al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri will look to pick up where Osama bin Laden left off.

It’s likely the meal would be put together the night before, slow roasted overnight , then deployed during Sunday afternoon when it would have maximum flavour.

“Al-Qaeda has shown an interest in important dates and anniversaries so it’s no surprise they would plan something of this nature.  A rooftop is likely, but a quiet candlelight enclosure would be more romantic,” Napolitano suggested.

“We are positive they will not forget to do something special for their 10 year anniversary.  Unlike some men I know.”

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Barack Obama Declares Spider-Man Musical ‘A National Disaster’


WASHINGTON – Confirming what many theatre goers have expected for months, United States President Barack Obama has officially declared Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark a “major” national disaster.

Obama’s declaration makes central government funds available to help people affected by failed storytelling and haphazard production.

The president also announced plans to personally visit the set to view the damage wreaked by the unmitigated critical failure.

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Local Man Mugged as New York Returns To Normal After Storm


NEW YORK – A local shopkeeper has been assaulted during the course of a robbery in one of many encouraging reports suggesting  a return to normal life following Tropical Storm Irene.

Reggie Brooks, 37, described the experience that left him with bruised ribs as ‘terrifying’, but was pleased to see the city “back on it’s feet again,” before adding:  “My grandaddy gave me that watch.”

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New al-Qaeda Leader Starts Small, Stages Attack On US Mailbox


WASHINGTON DC – New al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has reportedly claimed responsibility for a ‘devastating’ attack on a US mailbox.

In the first successful terrorist attack on US soil since 2001, the Washington mailbox is said to have had as much as 20 pounds of ‘unidentified’ feces deposited into it in the early hours of Thursday morning.

The damage was discovered during a routine collection by USPS employee Dave Phelan, still shaken from his ordeal.  “I reached in to get the mail like I always do and felt…oh God, I can’t even stand to think about it.  Turn the mic off, please.”

‘It’s ruined’

A video featuring a buoyant al-Zawahiri was posted on Jihadi websites shortly after the attack and claimed responsibility for what is being described as a “marginal disruption to a small section of the nation’s mail delivery service.”

“We did this,”  began the al-Qaeda number one.  “Your mail is covered in doo doo because of our brothers in Jihad.  Osama [bin Laden] may be dead – God rest his soul, but we have the means and the fibre to continue striking your homeland.”

The ramifications of al-Zawahiri words remain fresh in the minds of the nations top security personnel.

“Make no mistake, this was a well planned and executed attack on US soil that has left large sections of mail undeliverable,” admitted Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, describing the attack as “just plain nasty.”

Prehaps most damning, was the fact the attack occurred only 37 miles from the White House, the implications of which were not lost on CIA director Leon Panetta.

“What if this has been the President’s mail covered in doo doo?!  We’re looking at a steaming pile of extremism and it doesn’t look good.  It doesn’t look good or smell good at all.”

Further attacks

Security was immediately raised around all US mailboxes – a clear sign of the wariness gripping the country following such a pungent attack.

Terror analysts believe this act could be “just the start” of a string of minor felonies perpetrated by a rejuvenated al-Qaeda.

“This shows that they are not done by any stretch of the imagination.  We’re still venerable to this kind of attack and they know it,”  said Panetta.

“I mean, It’s going to take ages to clean that doo doo out of the mailbox.”

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