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China Scolds US For Bringing Home ‘Shameful’ Grades


BEIJING – China has launched an astonishing attack on the United States after it received ‘shameful’ grades in it’s latest credit rating report card.

Despite scraping triple A’s from Moody’s and Fitch and a AAA+ in PE, the AA+ grade means the US has fallen ‘well short’ of Chinese expectations, having failed the economic portion of finals exams.

Expressing their ‘severe disappointment’, largest holder of US treasury bills said it would not tolerate someone they provide ongoing financial support to bring home anything less than straight triple A’s.

They also warned if the grades didn’t pick up fast they would hand out “one hell of a spanking.”

Must do better

A spokesperson for the S&P said the outcome could have been avoided if the US had just studied well ahead of time for the debt ceiling portion of examinations instead of trying to cram meaningful debate on a balanced, growth oriented economic policy the night before.

China are thought to be particularly disappointed over America’s failure considering “we buy everything for them so they can to focus on getting good grades.”

A Chinese official was quoted as saying: “Why they not get triple A huh?  AA+ not good enough.  Maybe in Belgium’s house, but not here.  They may as well bring home F.  Same thing!”

The source also confirmed there was ‘no way’ this report card would be put on the fridge.

To make matters worse the agency issued a negative outlook, meaning the US could be forced to sit in the Special Ed classes with Ireland and Greece if it continued it’s downward slide.

‘Where did we go wrong?’

China have now called on the US to get itself get a tutor and increase the number of hours it spent studying amid worries the downgrade would prevent the world’s largest economy to get into a good Ivy League school.

For it’s part, the United States blamed the fall in grades on the fact it was “going through some stuff right now, okay.”

A spokeswoman for the S&P did offer some optimism for concerned China, reminding that the top grade was only missed by a mere margin of endless bi-partisan bickering, which could be improved by taking extra classes.

She added: “If America buckles down, studies hard and makes a real effort to move beyond childlike partisan politics it might avoid having to repeat the year.”

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