Tag Archive | "iran"

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Oldest Undeciphered Text “May Be First Ever Terms of Service Agreement”


OXFORD – Researchers have indicated that the world’s oldest undeciphered text could be the first recorded instance of a Term of Service agreement.

The unintelligible writings, which have so far defied attempts to uncover its true meaning, is close to being deciphered according to university academics.

“I think we’re finally on the point of making a breakthrough,” said director of the Ancient World Research  Jacob Dahl, who warned it could be a while before his team understood the agreement, and even longer to determine how it applies in the real world.

‘What’s ancient Iranian for “Yes, I Agree”’

From the information gleaned to date, the proto-Elamite text appears to be an agreement for the use of agricultural land, which could go some way to explaining why so many people went hungry.

“When our team started looking at the writings over a decade ago, we believed them to be a log detailing everyday observations of a civilisation previously unknown to us in these modern times.”

“But it was just too bloody difficult to follow without skipping straight to the end and chiseling ‘Agree’ into the  stone.”

“That we realised we had uncovered the earliest Term of Service known to man.”

He went on to point out: “Without computers, you would have had to read the entire text and understand the majority of it before agreeing to anything.  But that’s how it was in those backwards times.”

Head scratcher

In an attempt to aid the decoding process, fragments of the ancient agreement are being scanned with the most complex equivalents available to researchers: Facebook and iTunes Terms of Service.

Dr Dahl hopes there may be similarities in both old and new unnecessarily complex examples of language that could help them simplify the convoluted Bronze Age contract to “something my mother could understand.”

“It’s as if they don’t want us to know what they’re trying to say,” he suggested.

“Can I use a borrowed sickle to harvest wheat crops on the third Sunday after a full moon or not?!  Why can’t these things be clearer?”

“Thank God we can just skip through this stuff now else we’d get nothing done nowadays.”

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United States: Iran “Leading The Race” To Host World War III


PENTAGON – U.S. officials have confirmed Iran are now leading the race to host World War III after a failed rocket launch led to an embarrassing setback from close rivals North Korea.

A decision will be made soon about where the third global military showcase, which will see aerial assaults, ground incursions, and the popular 100 metre sprint, takes place.

Organisers agreed that technically Iran have the superior bid in that technically they could be developing weapons of mass destruction.

Qualified candidate

World War III is expected to attract the biggest names in military prowess and as host nation, Iran would have safe passage to the finals without having to qualify by attacking nearby smaller countries.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad graciously accepted the frontrunner status in front of an impressive “Death To America” banner where he confirmed he would “never” halt the country’s uranium enrichment programme.

In an effort to bolster Iran’s chance of securing host status, he went on to publicly deny Israel’s right to exist – a clear sign of pandering to the selection committee which includes an Israeli delegation.

The committee, chaired United States and Britain are currently searching for a suitable venue to follow from a highly successful World War in Germany.

‘They tick all the boxes’

Such is the progress the Iranian bid has made that talks are already underway to hold a series of bombing raids on targeted facilities to test their readiness for a full campaign.

“They’ve put together an impressive package,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who had been impressed with Iran’s grandstanding and failure to cooperate with UN regulators on nuclear inspections.

Mrs Clinton noted: “Iran have a bid that appears to have it all.  Including an authoritarian regime lead by a belligerent head of state not afraid to spew crazy rhetoric toward the West when in front of a camera, and easy access to Israel where many competitors will be travelling from.”

Iran’s bid now looks to be the only serious option on the table.  After North Korea’s failed rocket launch U.S. committee have questioned whether the communist state are fully prepared to host such an important event.

Missed opportunity

“That rocket fiasco was a major setback for North Korean hopes,” said an aide to the Obama administration.  “If they had gotten that right we would definitely be looking at them as a potential candidate to host this war.”

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was more scathing in his analysis.

“We’re talking about the largest and most expensive military campaign in the world.  You’ve got to be able to launch a God damn rocket into space!  How else will we be able to fabricate a preconceived narrative to justify hosting a long and drawn out military event in their country?”

“They’ve definitely blown their chance.  Absolute shambles,” he added.

It’s thought an outside bid could come from China but Mr Gates admitted it was unlikely as “we still owe them, a bucketload of cash…so they can pretty much get away with what they want to.”

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US Iran Relations At “All Time Low” After Facebook Poke


NEW YORK – The relationship between America and Iran has hit a new low after Iran is alleged to have poked them on Facebook, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton admitted today.

Speaking in front of the UN Security Council, Mrs Clinton describes how Iran launched a long-range poke during a Facebook session originating from a Tehran internet cafe.

This latest show of aggression shown by the Ahmedinejad regime has been met with a strong response from the White House who labelled the poke an “aggressive provocation that borders on an invitation to open conflict.”

Strained relationship

The situation represents the closest any two nations have come to open conflict since Argentina sent Brazil a friend request on MySpace in 2011 – an incident in which the repercussions are still being felt.

Mrs Clinton was direct in her condemnation:  “I mean really, who sends pokes anymore?” She said before issuing a warning that should Iran continue down this path of provocation, “the United States would be left with no choice but to unfriend them and would call for members of this council to do the same.”

However, it’s thought that China and Russia would be hesitant to take such drastic action due to the “cool links” Iran often posts on i’s wall.

In response, Iran have claimed their account was hacked after admitting it could not remember if it logged out properly from its last session.

Ali Akbar Saleh, Iran’s foreign minister, told state television that “sometimes there are so many browser windows open you forget to close them all.”

‘All options are on the table’

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad echoed this statement, adding that the poke “could not have come from Iran,” because “we hate pokes as much as we would hate Israel if we recognised their existence.”

The explanation however, has failed to convince the Obama administration who remain ready to retaliate by adding Iran to groups without their express permission.

“We do not believe this was an accident,” a statement read.  “The poke functionality is clearly marked so this must have been a deliberate strike at the United States.”

“If Iran are capable of launching pokes, it is only a matter of time before they get nuclear weapons.”

Mrs Clinton called for swift action as “Iran has clearly developed an advanced grasp of Facebook features.  Which was no small feat as they change the damn thing every week.”

“What the hell is Timeline anyway?!” She added.

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White House Names Armed Predator Drone As Person of the Year


WASHINGTON DC – The White House has selected its person of the year, giving the distinction to the individual they feel has had the most impact throughout the year: The predator drone.

Controlled by remote control from miles away, the unmanned aerial vehicle has proved itself “indispensable” when it come to raining fiery death in the general vicinity of something that resembles the enemy.

The predator drone beat out worthy competitors such as the gun that killed Colonel Gadaffi and the heart attack to claim the top prize.

There was also an emotional nod for the towel and bucket of water, the duo finally credited for their years of “tireless” work uncovering the location of Osama bin Laden.

Runaway success

United States Air Force Chief of Staff General Norton A. Schwartz said the predator drone tireless efforts were “transforming the way we shoot things like it was on Xbox”.

Officials said award reflected the importance of the drone in 2011 from the hills of the Middle East, to the caves of the Middle East and the shanty towns of the Middle East.

General Schwartz was glowing in his assessment:  “The predator drone has truly changed the face of fighting terror.  At least I assume that’s the face…it’s really hard to tell from so far away.  It could be the back of the head.”

He later clarified “The predator drone has truly changes some part of the anatomy of fighting the war on terror.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said it was a tribute to bringing the real meaning of “oh sh*t!” to the Arab world.

President Obama also heaped praise on the UAV MQ-1 Hunter/Killer drone that had “shown its value time and time again first in Afghanistan, then in Pakistan, in Yemen, and back around to Afghanistan again.”

Worthy recipient

Although the drone suffered a recent setback after being downed in Iran, this was not enough to “undo the great work in collateral damage it has done consistently up to now.”

There appeared to be consensus about the awarding of the prize to the drone the White House agreed though for short time,  captured the full attention of everyone it met like no other candidate since the atomic bomb.

“In fact we couldn’t find one living person that was against the choice of the predator drone as the right choice,” claimed Obama.

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Herman Cain Military Plan “Taken From Command & Conquer”


GEORGIA – Republican presidential nominee Herman Cain has come under more scrutiny after critics compared his plans for US defense to the original Command & Conquer video game.

The former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza previously outlined his military strategy as president would be “to select all available units and click repeatedly on the enemy” – a policy popular with the old school real-time strategy game.

Herman Cain has already had to fight of “ridiculous accusations” that his 999 tax plan closely mirrored Sim City 4’s default tax settings.

There were also rumors that his plan for boosting American agriculture had been lifted from Farmville.

‘I don’t even play video games’

Titled the ‘select-attack-win’ plan, Herman Cain believed it would drastically simplify military operations to a level that even novices could understand.

He denied the similarities and brushed off comparisons to the popular ‘90s real time strategy game as ‘coincidental’.

Mr Cain was confident his “super-simple” strategy for defending American interest both home and abroad would be accepted by the US military.

“It’s very simple,” he explained.  “Imagine we’re in conflict with Iran.  With my ‘select-attack-win’ plan in place we would just gather all available troops stationed in the surrounding areas and march them in the most direct path possible to Ahmedinejad’s door.”

The GOP front-runner did conceded that a disproportionate number of lives would be lost, “but they could be respawned for the next mission.”

His explanation raised eyebrows further when an internal document from the Cain campaign stated a goal of “ensuring the enemy gave up all its Tiberium” and contingencies that included “restarting wars until the desired outcome was achieved.”

Simplified strategy

Military experts appeared to agree with criticisms.  General David Petraeus said he held “serious reservations” that the plan would stand up against more experienced nations, suggesting that such tactics would only be effective against “noob countries”.

But Herman Cain has continued to defend the viability of the ‘select-attack-win’ plan, which he said would lead to wars that lasted “moments, not decades.”

Mr Cain remained confident that attacking foreign combatants before they got a chance to build their defenses would lead to military dominance.

“Yes the enemy will see us coming, but our overwhelming numbers would make us impossible to stop and we would win wars just like that,” he proclaimed while snapping his fingers.

“Think of the money we would save with short wars.  That’s the ‘select-attack-win’ plan right there.”

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Iran Threaten To Not Make Up The Numbers At Olympics


SWITZERLAND – Iran have reiterated their threat to boycott the London 2012 Olympic Games, potentially leaving the International Olympic Committee with one less country to make up the numbers at the event.

Claiming the London 2012 logo spells out the word ‘Zion’, Iranian Olympic president Mohammad Aliabadi wrote to IOC president Jacques Rogge, insisting “the revolting act of reflecting Iran’s enemies in the logo is even more offensive than those ‘horrible excuses for mascots’ and one for which we are prepared to forfeit the defence of our 52nd place finish in Beijing.”

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Children Protest As Ahmadinejad Claims There Is No Santa


NEW YORK – A group of second graders and their parents have angrily walked out in protest after Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made stunning claims that ‘Santa Claus was not real’.  

The outburst came at a birthday party for eight year old Rachel McKenize inside a Chuck E Cheese restaurant where he claimed that Santa Claus was a commercial plot by western corporations – supported by the ‘Zionist regime’ – to boost the US economy.

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Iran To Extend Nuclear Family Programme


TERAN, IRAN – Iran has announced it will step up its plan to build more nuclear families across the country in defiance of western leaders demands to scale back it’s ‘aggressive’ nuclear ambitions.  

The move comes after Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called for a higher birth rate to bring population levels up to 120 million and has already begun importing ‘worrying amounts’ of Viagra into the country.

Mr Ahmadinejad insisted the programme is peaceful, but western leaders appear unprepared to take chances.

“Today its nuclear families, tomorrow it’ll be nuclear missiles” warned a sceptical Barack Obama. “Uh-uh.  They’ve got to stop now.”

US officials are reportedly planning to launch pre-emptive strikes at targeted households, dropping attractive Iranian women in efforts break up nuclear families in the area.

Provocative actions

The country’s leaders are not be cowed by the threat of loose women ruining marriages, ordering men to take time from damning the west and “get intimate” with their wives in secure locations.

The British government said Iran’s provocative actions were cause for concern and Prime Minister David Cameron has called on Iran to end proliferation of nuclear families or face increased sanctions.

He hailed the continued breakdown of the nuclear family in Britain as a model to lasting peace and trust among nations.

“We have already made great strides in dismantling our nuclear families” said Mr Cameron.  With an increasing number of divorces and single teenage parents, the leader of the coalition government believes that “Britain can become nuclear family free within 20 years”

President Obama has been criticised for keeping his own nuclear family whilst calling for Iran to dismantle theirs, but he maintains the United States is committed to ending it’s programme and pointed to Tiger Woods as an example of how they plan to use money and fame to destroy happy marriages nationwide.

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Israel to Accept Palestinian Friend Request on Facebook


WASHINGTON, DC – US President Barack Obama has praised ‘outstanding’ progress in Middle East peace talks after Israel said they would accept Palestine’s friend request on Facebook.

He spoke from the Oval Office after helping Benjamin Netanyahu set up an account and configured the appropriate privacy settings.  The Israeli PM who said it was “high time Israel got on this Facebook thing and started working with Palestine on Farmville or something.”

The two leaders also played down suggestions of a US and Israel rift, with President Obama stressing the “unbreakable” bond between the two nations.  “We’ve been friends with Israel for years” reminded Obama “Not only are we friends on LinkedIn, but we also follow each other on Twitter…and even way back when Friendster was hot.”

‘Follow us back’

Mr Netanyahu said he would take steps to solidify the peace process, including clicking “Accept Friend Request” link in the confirmation email and setting up an event to indicate when they would stop the blockade of the Gaza Strip.

Skeptics remain concerned the new Facebook status is merely a superficial act that will not translate to solid foundations for peace and would just result in Israel eventually blocking Palestine’s profile.

This is something Mr Netanyahu has dismissed, pointing to the higher than expected number of fans on the Israeli initiated “Let’s Put All That Bloodshed Behind Us” group as proof the peace would be lasting.

He did warn that the main threat facing Israel was the possibility of Iran looking them up on Facebook and barraging them with ‘super annoying’ pokes, although Tehran denies claims it is thinking about signing up to Facebook at all.

Iran maintains it would continue to refuse negotiation efforts until Israel and the US friend them on MySpace, a scenario understood to be ‘highly unlikely’ at this point in time or in future.

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World Leaders Convene For G8 Afterparty


TORONTO, CANADA – David Cameron has urged ‘tight focus’ on preparations for the G8 afterparty – his first as Prime Minister – to ensure it would be as ‘on and popping’ as previous years. Western leaders will today meet in a surprise Toronto venue to party like it’s 1999, and Mr Cameron plans to ensure they follow through on that promise. “The question is will it deliver.” the PM told Canada’s Globe newspaper “I’ve heard much about these parties, but too often they fail to live up to the hype”.

Party preperations have been troubled by arguments over financing, as leaders from poorer nations demand confirmation they would still be able to get in free. With all nations still battle economic uncertainty, it’s thought the number of Dom Perignon bottles will be scaled back, and plans for several dancer poles to be installed inside the venue – initially resisted by German chancellor Angela Merkel – may be cut completely.

US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner warned that the world could not depend only on America to pull the party together. “We just don’t have the resources to organise everything” he said. “I wanted the dancer girls as much as anyone, but we’re dealing with a recession”. It has also since been confirmed that another nation will need to pay the DJ this year.

President Barack Obama remained confident the G8 would pull together and put on a night to remember. “Our job is to make sure we get it crunk tonight, and that’s what we’re going to do” he said before a crucial meeting with uncooperative G20 leaders in an attempt to get them to loosen up and have some fun.

Iranian President Mahmood Ahemedinejad again refused invitations as he is believed to be already planning a secret afterparty with Kim Jong-Il in a Tehran nuclear facility.

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