Tag Archive | "internet"

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North Korea Switch To Virgin Media After Internet Blackout


PYONGYANG – North Korea have confirmed the full restoration of internet services after the country switched to a Virgin Media broadband package.

The move followed an unprecedented series of internet outages and generally “shoddy service” with EE Unlimited Home Broadband.

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North Korea Respond To Xbox One Used Game Policy With Missile Test


PYONGYANG – North Korea have launched an unscheduled round of missile tests in response to the used game policy on the upcoming Xbox One console.

The country’s leader made clear his disapproval of a more restrictive stance on used games, calling on Microsoft to “take back its regressive actions for my sake and for the sake of the gaming community.”

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FBI ‘All Over’ Scarlett Johansson Nude Photo Case


WASHINGTON DC – The FBI has moved to reassure Scarlett Johansson by promising “every single agent” was investigating the unauthorised leak of the star’s nude photos.

The hack occurred two weeks ago and saw compromising pictures of the star released onto the internet.  This prompted Johansson, 26, to call for an FBI investigation which had surpisingly already been underway.

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Barack Obama Launches Kickstarter Project To Service National Debt


WHITE HOUSE – United States President Barack Obama has signed up to Kickstarter in an unprecedented move to raise the capital required for the country to service its debt.

With little progress made over the weekend on negotiations to raise the federal borrowing limit, Mr Obama has taken to the crowd sourced funding platform as “the only viable option left to solve the debt crisis.”

The president had already identified more the $4 trillion in budget cuts, but was rejected by House Speaker John Boehner who refused to reduce his tanning budget by even an inch.

‘No alternative’

It is the first time the creative funding website has been used to service a nation’s debt.  Some members have criticised the use of the platform to pay bills.

The company CEO Perry Chen defended the project intentions however, suggesting the idea the government could fix its long term financial problems in such a short window was the most creative project he had ever seen on the site.

Mr Obama is aiming to bypass the current budget conflict between Republican and Democrats by turning to anonymous internet users to completely wipe the country’s debt obligations.

“What I’m proposing here, today, is to wean ourselves off debt completely,” declared Mr Obama while filing out his Kickstarter profile.

“Yes we can sit here and raise the debt ceiling as many Presidents before me have done.  Keep borrowing from China and hope they don’t notice we can never ever pay them back.  But why don’t we think outside the box for a change?”

Setting the fundraising target at $14 trillion, Obama promised every contributor would get bonus posters and stickers plus a signed copy of their social security cheque on time if the fundraising target was reached.

Give generously

Speaking to the press after adding his profile picture and video to the project, the president said soliciting funds through Kickstarter was “infinitely more viable” than trying to reach any agreement with Republicans.

Perhaps unsurprisingly plan has not been supported by the GOP, many still preferring to take whatever option lead to lower taxes for the top 2% or earners, but House leader Eric Cantor admitted it wasn’t the worst idea out there and pledged $100  to help things along.

Mr Obama was hopeful the site’s other contributors would support the project and help to raise funds “in the next 10 days or so”.

“So far we’ve got $1000 pledged…but these things always start slow.”

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New Nokia Device Hailed As ‘Marvel’ In Doorstop Technology


FINLAND – Following an early look by gadget enthusiasts, Nokia’s highly anticipated smartphone has been hailed as the “most innovate doorstop on the market.”

Early shots of the hardware was recently leaked onto the internet and has reportedly got fans of keeping doors open for extended periods of time ‘very excited’.

The new devices demonstrated a range of uses including holding up windows in addition to doors, and even being used to stabilise uneven table legs.

“Make no mistake this thing will absolutely be used to hold all my doors open,” raved one tech blogger who said Nokia had come a long way from the days when they made devices people used to make calls on.

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Unidentified Celebrity Muppet Obtains Super-Injunction


UNDISCLOSED – An unnamed Muppet belonging to a popular children’s television show has been granted an injunction amid multiple allegations of inappropriate tickling.

The individual has become the latest high-profile Muppet to gain an injunction preventing public disclosure of improper behaviour.

For legal reasons, the Muppet in question can only be referred to as ‘TME’.

The situation prevents the media from identifying the individual or any connected details such as his name, which show he appears on, even his fur colour.

Privacy protection

The ‘household name’ was granted the court order to prevent his name from appearing in an episode of his educational show as an example to young children of what happens when one person can’t keep their hands off another.

The only details to emerge thus far surround multiple alleged cases of “unsolicited and inappropriate tickling…and probably a lot of high pitched giggling too,” suggested an anonymous source.

The injunction has caused the biggest controversy since the Cookie Monster applied for a gagging order in an attempt to avoid news of his addiction being made public knowledge.

This was later lifted in the name of public safety after he tried to take a bite out of a co-worker.

The court order has not stopped  rumors of the identity from circulating suggestions the individual is a  cast member of hit show Sesame Street.  Some have even claimed the millionaire Muppet has already been identified on the internet.

‘L’ is for legally binding court injunction

Angered by what is seen as an unfair privilege, an advert featured by Cartoon Network showed an image of the Muppet with only a thin black band across his eyes and the word “censored” in capital letters.

An executive blasted the actions of ‘TME’, saying: “If he didn’t want people to find out then maybe he shouldn’t have been tickling away from home.  We have a right to know what these Muppets get up to…my kids watch that show!”

The network maintains they were with their legal rights as the injunction only applies to pre-watershed programming.  “No matter how famous, the law should not be bent to protect famous Muppets from public judgement.”

With the debate certain to rumble on, more and more famous Muppets could seek out legal means of enforcing privacy as they look to maintain their personal images.

Elsewhere, housemates Ernie and Bert issued a statement denying the rumors of improper behaviour involved them, adding:  “We’re friends.  Nothing more.”

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HMV Discover Something Called “The Internet”


ENGLAND – HMV executives believe they are ‘very close’ to determining the reason for the company’s recent poor performance with insiders revealing that it may have something to do with “this thing called the internet”.

The past 13 months have seen HMV’s share price fall 75% and plans to close 60 locations in the next two years, leaving executives scrambling to determine the cause of such alarming figures.

The company had previously blamed the drop in sales on a lack of quality releases, singling out Lil’ Wayne’s latest failed attempt at coherent speech and anything with Miley Cyrus printed on the cover, but neither could explain the steady and prolonged decline seen by the retailer.

Eureka

“We think we’re very close to the answer,” commented CEO Simon Fox. “We’ve been hearing a lot of buzz lately about something called ‘the internet’, so we’ve put our best people on it.”

Looking to reassure shareholders, Fox said he was now aware of technology and admitted that there could be a link between “the internet” and the reason why no one comes to their stores anymore.

The discovery could be the break the nation’s most famous chain have been praying for in a desperate bid to arrest the alarming slide of sales, which fell 10.2% over the Christmas period.

Mr Fox was confident that now the company was aware of the existence of “the internet”, they would study it and figure out what it is capable of, and even see if it could be utilised to aid business operations.

‘The internet could be big’

“We’ve got our smartest people looking into this ‘the internet’, trying to understand what it means for us,” confirmed Mr Fox who has given the green light to a further 12-month investigation into its capabilities.

He continued by saying: “We think we’re on to something here.  The early signs suggest this could be big…bigger than the White Album even.  Imagine a store on “the internet” where you can buy without actually having to come to leave your home.”

Although he did feel the concept of selling anything online may be “a little out there”, he confessed that the once proud provider of physical records and CDs would need to do something drastic to stay relevantfive years ago and beyond.

“I don’t think anyone else is thinking in this way, so if we crack this thing we could be back in business sooner rather than later.”

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The Grinch ‘Losing War on Christmas’


WHOVILLE – A recently commissioned 1000 page study has concluded that the Grinch is losing the War on Christmas ‘in a major way’.  

The part-cat part-vegetable stalk has been fighting a seemingly never-ending campaign to prevent the spread of Christmas Spirit, but over half a century later finds himself still mired down in a long, drawn out conflict with no end in sight.

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World of Warcraft Beats First Week Crack Cocaine Sales


CALIFORNIA – Blizzard Entertainment have confirmed that their new World of Warcraft expansion has broken a long-standing sales record to become the fastest selling addictive substance since the crack epidemic of 1984.  World of Warcraft Cataclysm sold 3.3 million copies on it’s December 7th release, beating comparable sales of the smokeable form of cocaine, heroine and crystal meth combined.

The feat is especially remarkable considering the upfront cost of $100 per gram of crack rock, compared to the $13 monthly cost of a World of Warcraft subscription, although both have the same recurring cost of long term crippling addiction.

‘Bigger than crack ever was’

The record breaking figures have lead drug dealers to change their sales strategy in a bid to hook millions of addicts including those who had gone ‘cold turkey’ and sworn off their profiles months ago.

“Business is bananas right now B,” said Keith, a notorious dealer and level 75 Paladin.  “I tried cutting up the dope with Ecstasy, uppers, downers and paprika to boost sales.  But nothing moved weight faster than when I started giving away copies of this game and a three month free trial.”

Indeed, a survey has even demonstrated a dramatic and ‘disproportionately positive’ increase in the sale of traditional narcotics when bundled with copies of Cataclysm, although the study was cut short after both members of the research team began suffering severe withdrawal symptoms as a result of being away from their level 80 Dwarf and 83 Blood Elf for more than seven days.

WoW epidemic

Narcotics enforcement agent Paul Finchelli, a junior during the ‘dark days’ of the crack epidemic of the ’80s, expressed concerns over the lethal combination created when a new expansion for WoW is added to a monthly subscription to what is already a highly addictive substance.  With over 12 million dependants, he admits that present day law enforcement may be powerless to stop it taking over internet cafes the world over.

Perhaps the most devastating is the effect on children as continues turning normal, well-adjusted teens into sunlight adverse, teabagging recluses.  The result of a recent 36 hour WoW binge left one mother asking why her son “couldn’t just use the internet for porn like a normal kid.”

“I saw mothers sell their babies for just an ounce [of crack cocaine],”  recalls Finchelli. “But this…My God.  The best we can do is help those coping with addiction by weaning them off the game with Dungeons and Dragons.”

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YouTube Takes Down Hundreds of ‘Rickroll’ Videos


SILICON VALLEY – After numerous complaints from British and American officials, YouTube have removed hundreds of videos used to “rickroll” unsuspecting viewers from its site. 

The bait and switch meme featuring Rick Astley has been used to cause embarrassment ‘on a grand scale’ for years, resulting in a chorus of upset internet users demanding the material and all it’s spin offs be removed from the video sharing site.

The move comes after authorities in US, UK and Dubai were all victim to a concerted Rickrolling campaign which saw them Rickrolled as much as 25 times in a single day through various forms of electronic correspondence, leading to Mr Astley being labelled “one annoying son of a bitch.” by an American IT manager.

‘Please, make it stop’

UK Security minister Baroness Neville-Jones pressed for the videos to be removed after being Rickrolled last Saturday and a New York congressman, Anthony Weiner, sent YouTube a letter listing the hundreds of Rickroll links sent to him over two years when he thought he was open emails linking to videos of D-list celebrity nipple slips.

The requests took on greater urgency after two ‘high ranking’ senators were Rickrolled with the version featuring Ronald MacDonald.  The prime suspects are thought to be YouTube members with possible links to 4Chan.

Baroness Neville-Jones also expressed her deep concern over websites that encouraged homegrown Rickrolling efforts, believing it had become “far too easy for someone to go onto the internet and learn to make these dangerously annoying memes from their bedroom.”

Freedom of pranking

Born in America, Astley’s work has been linked to dorm rooms across the country, several fraudulent Christmas party emails, and 65 fake birthday invites in New York alone.  As a result, he is now on a CIA hit list authorised by President Barack Obama.

Last month, investigators reported finding more than 700 videos used in Rickrolling attack. The clips had garnered more than 3.5m hits in a sure sign that they were being actively used to waste 10 seconds of people’s lives they would never get back.

Victoria Grand, a YouTube spokeswoman said the company had tried to balance the freedom of pwning noobs with averting the calls to violence usually heard in response, but now admits a harder line is needed. “These are difficult issues,” she wrote, “I mean, it was super funny at one point but it’s clearly peaked so I think we’re justified in removing the offending content now.”

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