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Western Panic Eases After Chinese Missile Break Apart During Use

BEIJING – Fears over a growing Chinese military threat have lifted today after reports that several anti-aircraft ballistic missiles have fallen apart during repeat use.

The Dong Feng 21D missile was schedule for a test after officials in China sought to give a second demonstration of its military capability, but the planned exercise was halted when missiles abruptly stopped working in mid-air before collapsing under their own weight due to an unspecified manufacturing defect.

Reports confirm the parts have been returned to their original manufacturer less than two miles from the test site.

‘Cheap ass missiles’

One eye-witness said the missile appeared to work fine the first time they were used, “but they just fell apart only moments into this demonstration like a cheap piece of crap.”

In an unfortunate turn, several members of the cleanup crew were also admitted to a nearby hospital with suspected lead poisoning shortly after gathering the defunct missile pieces for repairs.

Chinese official have warned a meeting of military officials not to any part f the  ballistic missile in “direct contact with your mouths for health and safety.”

A military product watchdog magazine said the failed military exercise was a blow for as it could not recommend the DF-21D as a method to threaten the West until the manufacturing defaults were identified and fixed.

“They were brand new missiles!  We only used them once so what gives?” Questioned a frustrated Hu Jintao.  The Chinese leader said it would be the last time he bought anything from “this damned country” again.

In a press conference, US president Barack Obama hailed the failed military exercise as a positive for US security while disclosing that he was never worried about the threat.

“We knew this was going to happen eventually,” said Present Obama.  “The outcome is no surprise to anyone among us who has brought stuff from China and had it break within a week.”

Made in China

UK Prime Minister David Cameron echoed US confidence and stated that “until Chinese manufacturing was at least as good as Indonesia least,” the west had notion to fear.

The incident is expected to raises serious questions over the endurance of Chinese military equipment, but Hu Jintao refused to accept China’s influence would diminish as a result of poor manufacturing.

He did however admit they should have got their missiles made in Korea as “the manufacturing quality is second to none over there.”

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China To Bring Human Rights Violations Down To “Reasonable Levels”

BEIJING – After calling the current level of human rights violations shameful, China have vowed to bring the number of atrocities “down to acceptable levels.”

Addressing the international community, Chinese President Hu Jintao committed to seeing the recorded cases of torture and abuse suffered by dissidents at the hands of the government reduced by “at least 50% over the next four years.”

He is said to be saddened to learn that the number abuse cases caused by state officials was six times the acceptable limit and pledged to “tone it down.”

Improving standards

It’s also thought that lowering the current figures will help with administration as trying to hide evidence of that many violations is very hard work, according to the government.

President Hu acknowledged that a lot will need to be done in China to bring acts of human depravity in line with international standards.

Asked to justify China’s human rights record, Mr Hu conceded it was “pretty high, there’s no denying that.  We got carried away over the last few decades – sorry about that.”

“We’ve heard the feedback and will endeavour to reduce our figures to something much more palatable.”

The Chinese government is to issue guidelines to make it clear what constituted torture and what was simply enhanced disagreement.

China also agreed to outsource the bulk of it’s current abuse management to countries in the Middle East  in a model similar to that used in the west which could see a further 17% reduction in recorded cases year over year.

“We will let someone else carry out unspeakable treatment of prisoners on our behalf, so those numbers won’t count against us.”

‘We’re working on it’

Hu assured skeptics by also announcing a bi-annual report into the number of atrocities committed to demonstrate to the international community that they were serious about staying within what was known as the “green zone” of human suffering rates.

They warned however, that they could not bring the total to zero as there would always be a “natural level of government sponsored abuse that could not be avoided.”

Still, he remained optimistic about reach the stated target:

“We think a couple dozen abuse violations per officer per a month is reasonable for a country of our size.  At least that’s less people than watch Jersey Shore.”

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