HOLLYWOOD – Kate Middleton has received a late Oscar nomination for her performance as someone actually impressed with Kate Middleton’s self-portrait.
With the 85th awards just over a month away, the Duchess of Cambridge’s “brief but brilliant” acting performance was given the late nod from after offering what seemed like genuine praise to the Paul Emsley painting.
NEW YORK – In his latest display of extreme endurance, David Blaine has revealed he will watch the last three Adam Sandler movies back to back to back.
The magician will spend over five hours in a sealed theatre with nothing but That’s My Boy, Jack and Jill and Just Go With It to keep him company.
He was originally scheduled to watch four movies, but was advised to cut Grown Ups from the list over mental health concerns.
The feat will take part in a specially constructed theatre on New York’s west side. It will be open to the public, allowing spectators to send messages of hope to the 39-year-old while he watches Sandler repeatedly set new lows in feature film.
“Dave’s gonna want to walk out after about 20 minutes of watching Adam play his own sister,” explained stunt coordinator Larry Marshall.
“When he realises the exits have been sealed the reality will sink in and that’s when his survivor’s instinct will have to kick in, or he won’t make it.”
Blaine himself feels the being exposed to Adam Sandler’s deteriorating quality of work will push his mental state like never before.
Stuart Weiss, Blaine’s doctor, said the main risks included prolonged exposure to flat jokes and questionable premises in addition to a “very real” risk of depression as a result of seeing the guy from Happy Gilmore go out like this.
Ahead of the event, stunt coordinators made pains to stress to onlookers this kind of undertaking should “never” be replicated at home “or in cinemas for that matter.”
Authorities have already criticised Blaine for attempting the “reckless act” which they fear could lead to copycats making their own attempts to watch anything made by Sandler in the last six years without the proper supervision.
Safety is a bigger concern now he is a father. He has a 20-month-old daughter and perhaps crucially, once the stunt begins there will be no pause between titles.
“David needs to make his health a priority,” said film critic Roger Ebert who consulted with Blaine on the safety of watching Adam Sandler’s recent work.
“In my professional opinion, two would have sufficiently pushed the limits of human endurance but I understand David wants to put on a show. Though I had to put my foot down at four.”
“There is no sense in completing a stunt if you blow your brains out moments later.”
NEW YORK – Barack Obama has warned the American people to stay vigilant, reminding the nation that although Osama Bin Laden may be dead “Charlie Sheen is still out there.”
Speaking at a ceremony marking the 11th anniversary of terror attacks on the country, President Obama made clear the threat that still existed.
“Last year we launched a successful operation to remove the head of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations. But we are not safe. Charlie Sheen has a new show.”
This stark warning follows confirmed intelligence reports that the Hollywood actor is preparing to release another sitcom targeted at millions of Americans with cable.
With Anger Management picked up for 90 episodes, the president admitted the continuation of Charlie Sheen’s career has been one of his biggest failings during his first term in office.
In a poignant moment, relatives read aloud the names of those who have said they would “check out” the new show and held a minute silence for those lost to good television.
President Obama flexed his domestic security policy credentials and announced he would work tirelessly to see Charlie Sheen off screens “once and for all.”
“Somehow Charlie escaped his own self-destruction. We don’t know if he had help from al-Qaeda or what,” said the president who outlined the scale of the threat posed by Sheen’s generic base humor and overacting.
“We accomplished much in almost four years,” began Obama. “We reformed healthcare. Meaning little Susie can get the treatment she needs regardless of pre-existing conditions.”
“Thanks to the bailout of the auto industry General Motors are open for business and Mom and dad can ride little Timmy to school proud to know that car was built right here. In these United States.”
“But what about little Eric? He’s still forced to watch this maniac play the exact same character no matter what show it is and that’s just not good enough.”
Obama went on to pledge to rid TV of the lowest form of pre-scripted, mindless, manufactured mental corrosion next to Fox News.
He offered a positive note however, saying the U.S. has emerged “even stronger” following nine seasons of punchlines you can see coming a mile away.
He declared to a rapturous audience: “Why, just yesterday I watched Breaking Bad just and let me tell you America. The state of our TV is strong.”
“And if we can survive the Kardashians, we can survive this.”
HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron has announced the release of his old home movies in 3D to coincide with the 20th anniversary of their first release in his home theatre.
Shot for VHS in the ‘90s, the Titanic director said the stereoscopic version of his personal video collection “really cranks up the experience of the originals.”
PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.
An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”
The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”
Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests. In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.
In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.
America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.
Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.
In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.
The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”
“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.
Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea. Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.
“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden. “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”
However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.
“It’s not all bad. At least we still have Transformers.”
HOLLYWOOD – Rick Santorum has picked up a surprise Oscar win for his brief but convincing role as a credible candidate for president of the United States.
Despite being largely unknown on in Hollywood circles, the Republican nominee’s strong performance as someone who could realistically challenge Barack Obama ultimately won over critics who hailed a “virtuoso display that convinced the nation you were someone people could vote for,” according to President of the Academy Tom Sherak.
“I was skeptical of the award at first, but when I heard him share his views I was amazed he ever played the role of a serious candidate – he really had me going.”
This was first political performance to be acknowledged by the academy since George Bush’s nomination for his role in the invasion of Iraq.
Santorum was cast to play a legitimate presidential option after a brief surge in opinion polls and continued the performance for the next seven days until he finally came out of character by publicly stating things that he believed in.
Hollywood insiders were in agreement that his act was “so convincing that I almost wanted to vote for him.”
Even after the 84th Academy Awards were over, Director Christopher Nolan continued to gush: “Heath Ledger was rightly praised for playing a totally insane character on screen, but it’s something else for a totally insane person to play someone mentally stable.”
“That’s the sign of a true artist: one who makes you forget how truly batsh*t crazy they are.”
Due to a conflict in schedule, the former senator was not in the audience to collect his prize as he was taking his campaign through the seventeenth century to gain support among his core constituency.
It was a good night for the GOP who took home an Oscar for longest running comedy after a series of debates said be a personal favourite of President Obama.
Elsewhere, fellow Republican nominee also took home an award for best human-like emotion in the robotics category.
HOLLYWOOD – Local authorities believe they have disrupted a “dangerous and twisted” plot lead by Brendan Fraser to make a new movie targeting unsuspecting cinema-goers.
Local broadcasters reported the plot was aimed at luring innocent people within an enclosed space and subjecting them to 89 minutes of weak acting backed by ridiculous premise.
LOS ANGELES – The county sheriff’s office has issued an arrest warrant for director Michael Bay over accusations of molestation in relation to the Transformers movie franchise.
Although details are sketchy, Bay is alleged to have lured the innocent franchise into a room where he went on to produce the screenplay for Transformers 1 and 2.
LIBYA – Colonel Gaddafi has launched a ferocious promotional campaign against Warner Bros studios, demanding to be considered as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on Two and a Half Men.
In his speech, he rubbished claims that Charlie Sheen has ‘outcrazied’ him in recent weeks and an opening on the show as an opportunity to prove ‘once and for all’ who has lost more of a grip on reality.
The Libyan leader was defiant in his rhetoric, promising to behave in even more sociopathic ways as he seeks to prove he can best the troubled star who was fired after testing positive for Charlie Sheen.
He also threatened the west if they tried to interfere in potential contract negotiations for the part.
A successful campaign would see him take on the role as the over-aged, carefree, belligerent individual living a life seemingly without responsibility or consequence.
Should he get the part, It is uncertain whether he would continue in his current role as an over-aged, carefree, belligerent individual living a life seemingly without responsibility or consequence who is also a brutal dictator.
The Libyan leader appeared in increasingly confident mood and showed no sign of willingness to compromise or talk about the other candidates for the position.
“Talk about them – what for?” he questioned. “They are not insane like me. They have no chance, the part is mine. For sure, for sure.” He then added: “My people love me,” before punching his fist in the air and yelling words yet to be translated into anything that makes sense in any language.
Having given at least as many rambling non-sensical television interviews as Sheen, many observers have wondered what more the anti-democracy advocate had to do to receive a phone call from studio executives.
Gaddafi’s campaign has even been backed by cast members Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones who play ‘the other guy’ and ‘the kid’ respectively. Jones was certain that Gaddafi possessed all the characteristics to ensure a smooth transition into a ninth – and no way unnecessary – season.
Gaddafi lack of acting credentials could present a risk as would his recurring habit of killing off any and all that oppose him. Cryer however, was sure that it would not be a problem as “Charlie never did any acting on the show anyway.”
“And they both look like they’ve been partying all night. In fact, the only thing they don’t have in common is Platoon.”
HOLLYWOOD – In a suprise announcement from the American Academy of Motion Pictures, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has been added to the Oscar nominations for best male performance after his role in the defence of ‘The Big Society’.
Critics have universally praised Cameron, who ‘expertly’ played the role of someone who genuinely believes that the takeover of public services by community volunteer would work at the same time he undertakes the biggest spending cuts to those same public services since Hitler was in his prime.
“It was a virtuoso performance! The kind of fictitious tale that Tinseltown was built on,” raved film reviewer Ernie Mathews – adamant that “such was the calibre of Mr Cameron’s acting ability, the Academy had no choice but to make an exception.”
The news briefly stirred rumors deputy PM Nick Clegg could be considered for nomination in the Best Supporting Actor category, forcing the Academy to remind it’s members that he hadn’t actually done anything.
The late call up will see the coalition leader up against the likes of James Franco and fellow Brit Colin Firth whose award winning performance as King James VI will be given a run for it’s money by some of the statements made by the leader of the Conservative Party this week, said Mr Mathews.
“You just don’t see performances like that everyday and it’s no surprise the Academy have chosen to recognise his work. It was even better than the performance he gave when attempting to convince the public he doesn’t intend to privatise the NHS.”
Born in London, David Cameron got his start in the performing arts when telling Liberal Democrats he would consider electoral reform, followed closely by his role as a man in support of gay rights.
He went on to star in the ‘career defining’ role of a Tory that cared about the poor working class, a performance many are calling his Pretty Woman moment.
It’s this portfolio of acting expertise that have many in agreement the right decision has been made for a performer ‘in his prime’.
“…the way he convince the audience that a plan to decimate public funding whilst encouraging local communities to increase voluntary operation of those same public services is possible in the current economic climate, all while showing no hint of the extensive acting training that must have been required to deliver that line with a straight face…I was speechless.”
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