Tag Archive | "Hollywood"

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Michael Bay Ready To Ruin Another Of Your Childhood Memories


HOLLYWOOD – Producer Michael Bay has expressed delight over his deal with Paramount to ruin another of your childhood memories.

The man responsible for all three Transformers movies told fans he is “super excited” to be working on a new franchise, promising to take all you love dear and reduce it to a soulless computer graphics stuffed shell of its former self.

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Barack Obama Appoints Lindsay Lohan As Scandal Czar


WHITE HOUSE – Barack Obama has named Lindsay Lohan as new as the new U.S. Scandal Czar following a wave of troubling news stories to hit the White House.

As new scandal coordinator, the Disney actor turned hollywood socialite turned anti-drug campaigner’s wet dream will draw on her own personal experience to oversee the management of three separate White House scandals.

The appointment finally fulfills the potential Lohan has shown ever since her first DUI arrest.

New role

Lohan comes to the White House with six years of scandal experience on her resume, which includes six jail sentences, 20 court appearance and one ankle bracelet.

The appointment is seen as vital as the Obama Administration looks to get out in front of the wave of negative publicity by bringing in an expert to manage the situation.

Jay Carney said “No one here has been involved in a news story this bad before…even with the birth certificate thing.”

“We need what to expect when public perception looks extremely bleak and we’re confident Ms. Lohan will give us that insight.”

It’s thought she would handle the Benghazi scandal last as she was yet to get herself up to speed and find Benghazi on a map.

Lohan was not available for public as she had a prior engagement skipping bail.

‘Much needed expertise’

Judge Marsha Revel back the appointment by saying: “Lindsay is already familiar with high-profile scandals, she’s been involved with so many herself and has built a career in dealing with them.”

Speaking at the White House, President Obama said he needed to bring in experienced professional familiar in dealing with the fallout of appalling behaviour made public.

“Let me be clear,”  Obama began.  “Lindsay has been dealing with public scandals even longer than she’s had a credible movie career.  Her expertise will be vital in advising my administration through equally troubling times.”

The incoming czar can look forward to dealing with fallout from the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department monitoring private press phone calls and the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.

The collection of scandals are so severe that President Obama has since admittedly he now looks back fondly on his first term when his biggest problem was an inability to pass legislation.

Staring wistfully, Obama said: “I still remember when my biggest worry about was my complete inability to overcome petty partisanship.”

“Boy I miss those days.”

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Kate Middleton Gets Oscar Nod For Role As Person Impressed With Kate Middleton Painting


HOLLYWOOD – Kate Middleton has received a late Oscar nomination for her performance as someone actually impressed with Kate Middleton’s self-portrait.

With the 85th awards just over a month away, the Duchess of Cambridge’s “brief but brilliant” acting performance was given the late nod from after offering what seemed like genuine praise to the Paul Emsley painting.

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David Blaine to Watch Last Three Adam Sandler Movies


NEW YORK – In his latest display of extreme endurance, David Blaine has revealed he will watch the last three Adam Sandler movies back to back to back.

The magician will spend over five hours in a sealed theatre with nothing but That’s My Boy, Jack and Jill and Just Go With It to keep him company.

He was originally scheduled to watch four movies, but was advised to cut Grown Ups from the list over mental health concerns.

Glutton for punishment

The feat will take part in a specially constructed theatre on New York’s west side.  It will be open to the public, allowing spectators to send messages of hope to the 39-year-old while he watches Sandler repeatedly set new lows in feature film.

“Dave’s gonna want to walk out after about 20 minutes of  watching Adam play his own sister,” explained stunt coordinator Larry Marshall.

“When he realises the exits have been sealed the reality will sink in and that’s when his survivor’s instinct will have to kick in, or he won’t make it.”

Blaine himself feels the being exposed to Adam Sandler’s deteriorating quality of work will push his mental state like never before.

Stuart Weiss, Blaine’s doctor, said the main risks included prolonged exposure to flat jokes and questionable premises in addition to a “very real” risk of depression as a result of seeing  Happy Gilmore go out like this.

‘I don’t know how I could ever top this’

Ahead of the event, stunt coordinators made pains to stress to onlookers this kind of undertaking should “never” be replicated at home “or in cinemas for that matter.”

Authorities have already criticised Blaine for attempting the “reckless act” which they fear could lead to copycats making their own attempts to watch anything made by Sandler in the last six years without the proper supervision.

Safety is a bigger concern now he is a father.  He has a 20-month-old daughter and perhaps crucially, once the stunt begins there will be no pause between titles.

“David needs to make his health a priority,” said film critic Roger Ebert who consulted with Blaine on the safety of watching Adam Sandler’s recent work.

“In my professional opinion, two would have sufficiently pushed the limits of human endurance but I understand David wants to put on a show.  Though I had to put my foot down at four.”

“There is no sense in completing a stunt if you blow your brains out moments later.”

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9/11 Anniversary: Bin Laden Dead, But Charlie Sheen Still Out There


NEW YORK – Barack Obama has warned the American people to stay vigilant, reminding the nation that although Osama Bin Laden may be dead “Charlie Sheen is still out there.”

Speaking at a ceremony marking the 11th anniversary of terror attacks on the country, President Obama made clear the threat that still existed.

“Last year we launched a successful operation to remove the head of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations. But we are not safe.  Charlie Sheen has a new show.”

This stark warning follows confirmed intelligence reports that the Hollywood actor is preparing to release another sitcom targeted at millions of Americans with cable.

New threat

With Anger Management picked up for 90 episodes, the president admitted the continuation of Charlie Sheen’s career has been one of his biggest failings during his first term in office.

In a poignant moment, relatives read aloud the names of those who have said they would “check out” the new show and held a minute silence for those lost to good television.

President Obama flexed his domestic security policy credentials and announced he would work tirelessly to see Charlie Sheen off screens “once and for all.”

“Somehow Charlie escaped his own self-destruction.  We don’t know if he had help from al-Qaeda or what,” said the president who outlined the scale of the threat posed by Sheen’s generic base humor and overacting.

“We accomplished much in almost four years,” began Obama.  “We reformed healthcare.  Meaning little Susie can get the treatment she needs regardless of pre-existing conditions.”

“Thanks to the bailout of the auto industry General Motors are open for business and Mom and dad can ride little Timmy to school proud to know that car was built right here.  In these United States.”

“But what about little Eric?  He’s still forced to watch this maniac play the exact same character no matter what show it is and that’s just not good enough.”

‘We have options’

Obama went on to pledge to rid TV of the lowest form of pre-scripted, mindless, manufactured mental corrosion next to Fox News.

He offered a positive note however, saying the U.S. has emerged “even stronger” following nine seasons of punchlines you can see coming a mile away.

He declared to a rapturous audience: “Why, just yesterday I watched Breaking Bad just and let me tell you America.  The state of our TV is strong.”

“And if we can survive the Kardashians, we can survive this.”

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James Cameron Releases Family Home Movies in 3D


HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron has announced the release of his old home movies in 3D to coincide with the 20th anniversary of their first release in his home theatre.

Shot for VHS in the ‘90s, the Titanic director said the stereoscopic version of his personal video collection “really cranks up the experience of the originals.”

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North Korea: “We’ll Stop Making Nukes If You Stop Making Fast and Furious Sequels”


PYONGYANG – North Korea has initiated dramatic turnaround in geopolitical posturing, pledging to discontinue its uranium enrichment if in return the US discontinues its production of Fast and Furious sequels.

An official statement from the Korean government stated: “After discovering Fast and Furious Six is in production, we see no option but to bring an end to our nuclear ambitions and reach a compromise to end this madness.”

The statement also suggested that “having nukes just isn’t worth it.”

Enough is enough

Under the deal, North Korea also agreed to observe a moratorium on nuclear and long-range missile tests.  In return, the U.S. promised to dismantle the current Fast and Furious production and disband the cast and crew under the supervision of UN officials.

In Pyongyang, a spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry told the state-run Korean Central News Agency that the measure is designed to prevent the U.S. from further weaponizing bad scripts.

America is known to be experimenting with the dangerous combination of Paul Walker, The Rock, Vin Diesel and no plot.

Next week, a senior North Korean negotiator is scheduled to travel to an underground Hollywood facility to oversee the end of filming in a trip seen as an early sign of warming relations under new leader Kim Jong Un.

In North Korea’s capital, where North Koreans are taught from childhood to hate pointless storylines, there was some scepticism over the news.

The U.S. is still blamed for the Police Academy series and is routinely accused of harbouring ambitions to produce unnecessary sequels to franchises that appeal to the lowest common audience.”

“This is the country that continue making Chipmunks movies for some reason,” reminded one local.

2 Fast 2 Spurious

Obama administration officials portray the deal as a modest first step in re-engaging North Korea.  Privately there is thought to be regret over the end to the series but have grudgingly agreed for the sake of international security.

“Personally I liked all five in the series and was looking forward to the next one,” confessed Vice President Joe Biden.  “I especially liked the one where they stole cars and then raced them around for 90 minutes.”

However, Biden managed to remain practical in the face of the imminent loss of a franchise that North Korea say posed a “grave risk” to international cinema.

“It’s not all bad.  At least we still have Transformers.”

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Rick Santorum Wins Oscar For Brief Role As Credible Presidential Candidate


HOLLYWOOD – Rick Santorum has picked up a surprise Oscar win for his brief but convincing role as a credible candidate for president of the United States.

Despite being largely unknown on in Hollywood circles, the Republican nominee’s strong performance as someone who could realistically challenge Barack Obama ultimately won over critics who hailed a “virtuoso display that convinced the nation you were someone people could vote for,” according to President of the Academy Tom Sherak.

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LA County Police Foil ‘Insidious’ Brendan Fraser Movie Plot


HOLLYWOOD – Local authorities believe they have disrupted a “dangerous and twisted” plot lead by Brendan Fraser to make a new movie targeting unsuspecting cinema-goers.

Local broadcasters reported the plot was aimed at luring innocent people within an enclosed space and subjecting them to 89 minutes of weak acting backed by ridiculous premise.

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Michael Bay Charged With Molestation of Transformers Franchise


LOS ANGELES – The county sheriff’s office has issued an arrest warrant for director Michael Bay over accusations of molestation in relation to the Transformers movie franchise.

Although details are sketchy, Bay is alleged to have lured the innocent franchise into a room where he went on to produce the screenplay for Transformers 1 and 2.

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