NEW YORK – Barack Obama has warned the American people to stay vigilant, reminding the nation that although Osama Bin Laden may be dead “Charlie Sheen is still out there.”
Speaking at a ceremony marking the 11th anniversary of terror attacks on the country, President Obama made clear the threat that still existed.
“Last year we launched a successful operation to remove the head of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations. But we are not safe. Charlie Sheen has a new show.”
This stark warning follows confirmed intelligence reports that the Hollywood actor is preparing to release another sitcom targeted at millions of Americans with cable.
With Anger Management picked up for 90 episodes, the president admitted the continuation of Charlie Sheen’s career has been one of his biggest failings during his first term in office.
In a poignant moment, relatives read aloud the names of those who have said they would “check out” the new show and held a minute silence for those lost to good television.
President Obama flexed his domestic security policy credentials and announced he would work tirelessly to see Charlie Sheen off screens “once and for all.”
“Somehow Charlie escaped his own self-destruction. We don’t know if he had help from al-Qaeda or what,” said the president who outlined the scale of the threat posed by Sheen’s generic base humor and overacting.
“We accomplished much in almost four years,” began Obama. “We reformed healthcare. Meaning little Susie can get the treatment she needs regardless of pre-existing conditions.”
“Thanks to the bailout of the auto industry General Motors are open for business and Mom and dad can ride little Timmy to school proud to know that car was built right here. In these United States.”
“But what about little Eric? He’s still forced to watch this maniac play the exact same character no matter what show it is and that’s just not good enough.”
‘We have options’
Obama went on to pledge to rid TV of the lowest form of pre-scripted, mindless, manufactured mental corrosion next to Fox News.
He offered a positive note however, saying the U.S. has emerged “even stronger” following nine seasons of punchlines you can see coming a mile away.
He declared to a rapturous audience: “Why, just yesterday I watched Breaking Bad just and let me tell you America. The state of our TV is strong.”
“And if we can survive the Kardashians, we can survive this.”