Tag Archive | "hilary clinton"

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US Iran Relations At “All Time Low” After Facebook Poke


NEW YORK – The relationship between America and Iran has hit a new low after Iran is alleged to have poked them on Facebook, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton admitted today.

Speaking in front of the UN Security Council, Mrs Clinton describes how Iran launched a long-range poke during a Facebook session originating from a Tehran internet cafe.

This latest show of aggression shown by the Ahmedinejad regime has been met with a strong response from the White House who labelled the poke an “aggressive provocation that borders on an invitation to open conflict.”

Strained relationship

The situation represents the closest any two nations have come to open conflict since Argentina sent Brazil a friend request on MySpace in 2011 – an incident in which the repercussions are still being felt.

Mrs Clinton was direct in her condemnation:  “I mean really, who sends pokes anymore?” She said before issuing a warning that should Iran continue down this path of provocation, “the United States would be left with no choice but to unfriend them and would call for members of this council to do the same.”

However, it’s thought that China and Russia would be hesitant to take such drastic action due to the “cool links” Iran often posts on i’s wall.

In response, Iran have claimed their account was hacked after admitting it could not remember if it logged out properly from its last session.

Ali Akbar Saleh, Iran’s foreign minister, told state television that “sometimes there are so many browser windows open you forget to close them all.”

‘All options are on the table’

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad echoed this statement, adding that the poke “could not have come from Iran,” because “we hate pokes as much as we would hate Israel if we recognised their existence.”

The explanation however, has failed to convince the Obama administration who remain ready to retaliate by adding Iran to groups without their express permission.

“We do not believe this was an accident,” a statement read.  “The poke functionality is clearly marked so this must have been a deliberate strike at the United States.”

“If Iran are capable of launching pokes, it is only a matter of time before they get nuclear weapons.”

Mrs Clinton called for swift action as “Iran has clearly developed an advanced grasp of Facebook features.  Which was no small feat as they change the damn thing every week.”

“What the hell is Timeline anyway?!” She added.

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US Punishes ‘Naughty’ Pakistan, Cuts off Allowance Money


WASHINGTON -The United States have confirmed reports that it is to cut off Pakistan’s $800 million allowance ‘right this minute’, warning that it would also be grounded for up to a month for ‘bad behaviour’.

The tough stance came after Pakistan reportedly ignored a series of public warnings to obey the ground rules which included taking out the trash, eating it’s vegetables and stop aiding and abetting known terrorist organisations.

White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley told reporters: “We said in no uncertain terms that they could not see al-Qaeda anymore and then we find out they’ve been hiding Osama bin Laden in their room for God knows how long!”

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Anthony Weiner Admits To Being Only Democrat With Penis


WASHINGTON DC – US Congressman Anthony Weiner has been forced to admit having a penis despite being a member of the Democratic Party after sending a photo of his crotch on Twitter – but says he will not resign.

The scandal makes Weiner – 46 – the first confirmed Democrat to possess the male genitalia since Bill Clinton, and has caused a huge upset among Washington veterans.

He agreed his actions were “very dumb”, but said he took the action as he knew that confessing to being a Democrat “with some gonads” would have put his role in serious jeopardy.

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UN Security Council Criticises Sun’s Nuclear Program


SPACE – The United Nations Security Council is said to be ‘considering all available options’ after the biggest nuclear demonstration in four years saw the Sun unleash a brazen display of offensive attack not seen since Christian Bale’s eye line was momentarily obstructed.

The ‘hostile actions’ from the molten ball of fire have unsurprisingly been met with concern from leading UN members over the motives of it’s nuclear energy program.

This after launching waves of charged particles from electrified gas into space and toward Earth with ‘blatant disregard’ for UV levels.

Provocative action

Experts say the Sun may have been secretly developing its nuclear program for as long as 4.5 billion years, leading to the logical conclusion that it is now actively engaged in developing a nuclear weapon ‘in broad daylight’.

Despite multiple calls for an explanation into last week’s events, the Sun has so far failed to issue a statement regarding its nuclear intentions.

Any display of force could disrupt communications systems, satellites and electrical power grids – potentially leaving millions without the ability to play Playstation.

Hesitation to provide details has put a question mark on its previously assumed peaceful intention of providing life on Earth, with US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton claiming “we are now seeing the sun’s true colours come out…and they’re not yellow with a smiley face like it would have us believe.”

The Security Council have already expressed interest in sending a special envoy to open dialogue with the celestial body.

However, the Obama administration believe the Sun has intentionally made conditions on the ground impossible for weapons inspection, another sign it may be hiding nefarious ambitions as it continues to ramp up its nuclear capability.

‘What is its true motive?’

Should it fail to comply and continue it’s development and proliferation of nuclear material, the UN council could initiate a round of sanctions on the celestial body, this after pressure from British and American governments to impose tougher and more targeted economic restrictions including an immediate halt on all vitamin D exports to Earth.

The incident has prompted heated debate over whether the Sun should be allowed to maintain any kind of nuclear program without proper oversight.

Privately, there are serious doubts over whether sanctions alone will be enough and a growing feeling that a pre-emptive strike will be needed as “anyone with a third grade education can see the Sun has no intention of stopping it’s nuclear ambitions any time soon.”

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America Propose Kermit The Frog For New Egypt Government


EGYPT – The Obama administration is discussing a proposal for President Hosni Mubarak to resign and turn over power to a transitional government headed by Kermit the Frog and the cast of The Muppets, say top administration officials.

Key figures have put forward a candidate they believe would aid the situation and would see the talented frog, supported by Ms Piggy, Fozzy Bear and Animal – proposed communications minister – immediately begin a process of constitutional reform.

“The inclusion of Animal is a wonderful move,” suggested Egypt foreign affairs analyst Husani Massri. “His monosyllable grunts and guttural shouts will really resonate with the people of Egypt right now.”

Happy Feet

The proposal has also been backed by a number of key White House staff members, many of whom say they could not imagine a more qualified puppet to take the reigns and bring stability to the region.

Speaking at a joint press conference with the president, Kermit admitted that while it wold not be easy being a green leader of transitional government he would give it his ‘best darn shot’.

President Mubarak – still in his first term as president after 30 years – has so far refused to resign after expressing fears that giving the temperamental Ms Piggy power over a nation would lead to chaos “on a scale even I could not imagine.”

The move was also slammed by Statler and Waldorf who believed “road kill has more leadership chops than this guy.”

‘Sure path to democracy’

Perhaps surprisingly, the news has failed to end protests in central Cairo, with protesters unsure whether another American made puppet could bring the necessary change demanded in such force by the people of Egypt.

One demonstrator admitted “It’s nothing against the Muppets. We like Kermit almost as much as Elmo. We’ve just had enough of leaders that need to be operated by hand…and he’s not even Egyptian”

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton was more optimistic, but cautioned that the outcome still depended on several factors, not least finding enough Muppeteers to ensure the working order of the proposed cabinet for long enough to bring stability back to the country.

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Clinton: ‘Britain Vulnerable To Godzilla Attack’


WASHINGTON – Hilary Clinton has delivered a stark warning against major cuts in the British defence budget, which could leave the country open to possible attack from Godzilla, Mothra or Cthulhu.

The US Secretary of State and Robert Gates, Secretary of Defense both said they worried about the effect defense cuts would have on Britain’s ability to withstand a concerted attack from either legendary creature and the consequences for international security.

White House officials were privately concerned that British defense spending was about to fall below 2 per cent of GDP, the minimum expected to protect against a typical Godzilla attack, and far below the recommended 5 per cent thought to be needed should all three decide to attack at once.

It’s Gojira!

In a recent interview, Mrs Clinton was asked whether the cuts worried her and replied:  “It does.  The reason it does is because of the sheer size of these monsters and the damage they could inflict in such a short space of time.  Just ask the Japanese.”

Mr Gates attended a NATO meeting of Defense Ministers and delivered his own warning: “My worry is that the more our allies cut their own capabilities, the more they will look to the US to protect them from a Three-Headed Monster or, God forbid, a Space Godzilla should one exist.”  He went on to say that at a time when America was facing it’s own made up threats, the thought of fighting Space Godzilla on behalf of another country was ‘a concern for me’.

Chancellor George Osborne is pressing for a 10 per cent cut in the defence budget, which Defence Secretary Liam Fox is resisting fiercely after seeing back-to-back DVDs featuring the mutant dinosaur rampage through downtown Tokyo.

Serious security issues

Between them, Godzilla, Mothra and Cthulhu could cause chaos across land, air and sea respectively, posing a ‘nightmarish scenario’ across Britain should it fail to safeguard itself properly.

“And that’s without mentioning Space Godzilla,” added Mrs Clinton.

Foreign Secretary William Hague tried to play down US fears, insisting: “We will remain a very serious country in defence matters…especially when it comes to Space Godzilla.  But we have other issues that need addressing like education and health. Something has to give.”

David Cameron has said he is ‘acutely aware’ of Britain’s responsibility and will make a decision only once he has reviewed footage of the original Godzilla film and ‘not a moment before’.

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US Military Drafts Plan To Invade Ghana After World Cup Loss


WASHINGTON, DC – America have drafted plans for a full-scale military incursion into Ghana after suffering a 2-1 loss at the World Cup.

President Obama called the move – which would pull the US into a third war – a defensive reaction to unprovoked attacks made by Ghanaian strikers in South Africa.

“Did you see that second goal?  Ghana are a threat we cannot afford to ignore any longer.  We’re going in.”

In an effort to wrap things up ‘post haste’, Commander David Petraeus has advised going with the surge strategy from the start as it has already worked so well in Iraq and Afghanistan.  The US will commit up to 100,000 troops who will target football facilities members of the Ghana team are thought to have trained within.

“These players have spread to Britain and Europe” warned a somber Obama.  “If we don’t stop them here, Ghana will become a breeding ground for resilient and well organised soccer players that could knock our team out of the next World Cup”.

America has been criticised for what is being called an overreaction, but foreign secretary Hilary Clinton remains adamant military action is warranted, adding that history will prove them right.

“This is the only course of action to such aggressive acts on the field of play” said Clinton who maintains the US has support from the ‘coalition of the willing teams that have also been beaten by Ghana’.

Ghana President John Atta Mills labelled team USA ‘bad losers’, while FIFA have called for restraint and pleaded to the White House to take standard channels and arrange a friendly match, a proposal which has already been dismissed as unworkable by the Obama Administration.

Once occupied, Ghana will provide a base to launch further strikes against African countries that beat Team USA in future sporting contests.

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