WASHINGTON D.C. – In a dramatic late night press conference, President Barack Obama has announced the death of Waldo after years in hiding.

The president, standing in the East room of the White House, disclosed that the fugitive had been cornered by military personnel and was shot once in the chest and twice in the bobble hat after resisting capture.

The death of Waldo marks the most significant moment in U.S. national security “since we uncovered the Grinch’s plot to steal Christmas,” according to a White House spokeswoman.

‘Justice has been done’

Waldo was thought to have had help evading discovery from known associates including Wizard Whitebeard, a long time Homeland Security target and Gandalf impersonator.

Sources revealed traces of red and white fibre were discovered by operatives on page 8, allowing Waldo to be tracked to page 17 where he was eventually cornered at a beach house on page 23 and killed.

In sad news however, it was also disclosed that three look alikes were unfortunately gunned down before operatives eventually found the right man finding the target.

After conferring with his daughters “and the kid next door just to make sure”, the president gave the word to move in.

The news of Waldo’s death ends a nationwide manhunt and sparked an immediate outpouring of emotion from children aged five to seven and many young adults who spent decades in the search.

At bookstores across the country people gathered cheerily and began chanting “USA USA!”

One joyous individual cried “I’ve been searching for that bastard for over 6 years and never found him.”

“I thought I did once but it was just a candy cane.”

Found him

President Obama paused to give praise to former president George W Bush, who spent billions of dollars and many evenings flicking through pages to track down Waldo during his two terms as Commander In Chief.

Mr Obama closed his announcement with the following address:

“For over two decades, searching for Waldo has been the symbol of frustration for many Americans.  Matched only by the frustration felt when looking for your car keys to go to the grocery store to pick up the milk you need for the cereal you already poured out before you realised you were out of milk.”

Yet he was eager to urged caution, warning Americans to “remain vigilant against other unknowns”.

“We still don’t know how the cat got into the hat yet,” he reminded.

WHOVILLE – A recently commissioned 1000 page study has concluded that the Grinch is losing the War on Christmas ‘in a major way’.  

The part-cat part-vegetable stalk has been fighting a seemingly never-ending campaign to prevent the spread of Christmas Spirit, but over half a century later finds himself still mired down in a long, drawn out conflict with no end in sight.

Most damning were figures that suggested there were now “over two billion people actively participating in Christmas related activities every year.”

In a quagmire

“It’s no shock to say the Grinch has failed to stop this thing,” said festive analyst Larry McKay, set to have what he described as his best Christmas ever.

“It’s now so popular even atheists are celebrating it.  The Grinch is fighting a war he cannot win and it’s about time he realised that.”

The Grinch began the war on Christmas when he launched an unsanctioned ground assault on the residents of Whoville, stealing presents and holiday hams in nightly raids staged from his based on top of Mount Crumpit.

Mr McKay felt the Grinch’s first mistake was that “he had no real idea what he was getting himself into.”  He explained that “this was never just a Whoville problem and the Grinch is now attempting to stamp out Christmas in far-flung corners of the globe where he has no support and no chance of convincing local people to stop taking part in a holiday where people are trained to eat as much as they wanted.”

‘Should have taken on Kwanzaa instead’

Outdated tactics are another failing attributed to his campaign in a war that had moved on drastically since the ‘50s.

“Christmas supporters are able to recruit through the internet and this guy’s still dressing up as Santa and stealing presents one by one.  That may have worked in 1957, but it’s a wholly ineffective strategy in today’s world.”

“And he still hasn’t tracked down Jesus.  As long as He’s out there, people will look to him and continue to fight…and buy presents.”

The Grinch, rejected the report as ‘Christmas propaganda’ and vowed to continue ‘until the objective was complete’, rhetoric that  Mr McKay believed was just another symptom of someone who has long lost his grip on the situation.

“His heart may be two sizes too small, but his grip on reality must be half of that if he thinks he can win the War on Christmas.”