Tag Archive | "Greece"

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EU Demand Greece Eat Pig Anus to Secure Next Installment of Bailout

ATHENS – In a move to toughen financial regulations, Eurozone finance ministers have demanded Greece eat pig anus in order to secure future bailout payments.

During a meeting of Eurozone ministers, chaired byJean-Claude Juncker set conditions Greece must meet before receiving further financial aid which include “consuming 500 individual pig anuses in a five minute period.”

It is the first time a nation has had to swallow this much swine rectum since Buy One Get One Free Hot Dog Day at Yankee stadium in 1998.

Tough talk

Speaking to Greek leadership, Mr Juncker said tough conditions were necessary to ensure Greece took their fiscal responsibilities seriously.  “If they want the aid they are obliged to consume pig anus to meet the requirements as set by the EU and International Monetary Fund.  These are the rules.”

The latest demands may prove too much for the near bankrupt country however, with reports suggesting the Greek parliament remains hesitant to approve the terms they say have become too much to stomach.

“It is no secret Greece needs further cash injection to maintain the stability of our economy,” admitted Greek Finance Minister Yannis Stournaras.  “But pig anus?!  How much do we really need this money anyway?”

After confirming the country needs the money that much, the Greek parliament are now in talks to relax the terms of the bailout to something slightly less revolting like fermented sheep urine or a Wendy’s family meal.

New economic arbiter Joe Rogan said the EU needs to see strong political assurance that Greece had the stomach for austerity, calling to Greek leadership to “step up” and do what had to be done.

He went on to remind Greece “the pig anuses aren’t going anywhere”, asking: “how bad do you want this cash?” Before adding: “Oh c’moooon.  Just do it.  It’ll be over before you know it.”

‘Can’t we talk about this’

Although in support of tough economic measures, German Chancellor Angela Merkel did not rule concessions, suggesting “breath mints can be made available while they eat their quota of pig anus.  We are not unreasonable people.”

With many Eurozone countries in similar economic crisis, analysts are predicting a wide range of demands in order to sure up faltering economies.”

“The anus thing sounds bad,” said Paul Sheen of Citigroup, but warned “this may just be the tip of the donkey penis and testicles that Spain will likely have to eat to get their bailout.”

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Bank of England Use Fifa Ranking Formula to Show Economy Growing at 98%

UNITED KINGDOM – The Bank of England has increased its growth forecast from 0.8% to approximately 98% since employing the same formula Fifa uses to rank international football teams.

Bank economists are hopeful the same logic defying calculations that resulted in England being named the world’s third best footballing nation can help boost the fortunes of the British economy.

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2112: Goal Line Technology “Almost Ready” Say Fifa

PLANET EARTH – Fifa President Sepp Blatter has given football fans encouragement by announcing goal line technology is “very close” to being introduced into professional football.

The disembodied head of Earth’s chief football organisation claimed the latest version of Hawkeye – now using triangulation software capable of pinpointing the location of a football from two solar systems away – was nearly ready for prime time.

“The technology is showing signs of maturity,” Blatter said in an interview with renowned football pundit Bloxxar Kurg of planet Coca-Cola Prime Nine.

‘We’re almost there’

Generations of talks between Fifa, the Football Association and Hawkeye have resulted in the agreement for one more test to make “triple sure” the technology could be relied upon.

Blatter reminded collection of the Galaxies football associations that there was “no quick fix” to determining when a ball has crossed a line like there was for easy issues such as world hunger, global warming and curing all forms of cancer, which have all been solved.

The camera based system is set to be trialed in a friendly between the Chinese Republic of England and Disneyland, formerly known as Greece.

Fifa officials are said to be warming to the idea that technology could be integrated into a football match for something other than advertising.

The decision to augment fundamental decision making with unobtrusive technology “is not one to make lightly,” said the head of Sepp Blatter.  “I have always said we do not want the game of football to be slowed down.”

“We could not bear it if our beautiful game was reduced to something like the speed at which we have come to this decision.  It would ruin the game.”

No rush

Calls for goal line technology have increased with a number of dubious decisions marring high-profile games.

Most notable was in the final of the 2110 Fifa Galaxy Cup which saw Mars beat the skilled team from Planet Appleonia by three goals to two after Mars’ third goal was judged to have crossed the line by the six-eyed official.

Video replays beamed directly into the memories of the crowd 1.8 nanoseconds after the incident proved otherwise but the referee from planet Google-5 were powerless to change the decision.

Appleonians were left fuming after the match: “All those eyes and he couldn’t see the ball hadn’t crossed the line in a million light years,” cried one belligerent fan.

“We need goal line technology now – we can’t afford to wait something ridiculous like 100 years.”

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Local Man Curses Luck After Drawing Greece in Eurozone Sweepstakes

UNITED KINGDOM – A public sector worker has been made to seriously question his fortunes after drawing Greece in his office Eurozone sweepstake.

Gregory Davidson, 47, is said to have entered the office competition to see which nation would still be left in the Euro by 2014 “for a laugh”, but has since been left to regret his decision.

“I was feeling optimistic as I pulled a card out the hat,” he recalled.  “But when I saw the name was Greece my immediate reaction was ‘there goes my fiver’”.

Early exit on the cards

Pundits have already labelled Greece as one of the weaker sides in the Euro and risk being dumped out if they aren’t able to pull a clear financial strategy out of the bag soon.

Greece are currently in bad form in the Euro and after failing to agree terms on a bailout package are bookmakers firm favourites to be knocked out of the Eurozone.

“There were still a few good countries in the pot,” said Mr Davidson.  “Holland, Sweden…Finland were still knocking about too so I thought what the hell right?  It’s only a fiver.”

Earlier in bailout negotiations, President of the European Commission, José Manuel Barroso had assured investors Greece was “too good to go out” of the Euro, but later revised his assessment after seeing the amount of money they owe to german banks.

Without a functional government or sound fiscal policy in place, Barroso believes they stand little chance of making it to the latter stages of the single currency system.

That outcome would mean Gregory Davidson misses out on claiming the prize pot of £135 (€168), an amount roughly equal to Greece’s liquid assests.

“Dave from accounts got Germany – lucky bugger.”

‘Down the drain’

Many agree that Germany look the favourites to remain in the Euro.  With a solid defense of their own financial interests it’s unlikely they could be convinced to lend the assistance required to keep a number of smaller nations around for much longer.

So disappointed with his selection, Mr Davidson reportedly paid a further £5 on the hopes of pulling a stronger nation, but was left with Spain.

“Truth be told I wish I’d saved the tenner now,” he admitted.

“Another few months and I could have brought both countries and a hot pie with the change.”

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Latest Greek Tragedy “The Finest Ever” Say Literary Scholars

GREECE – After fresh failure to form a coalition government, literary scholars have hailed the current turmoil as the best Greek tragedy there has ever been.

As emergency talks fell apart for a third time, plunging the country deeper into crisis, experts of human suffering plots insist the crisis eclipses the works of any ancient Athenian tragedy writer.

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Greece Reject EU Bailout In Favour of Wonga.com Loan

ATHENS – In a dramatic 11th hour decision, Greece have chosen to decline the latest EU bailout and will instead opt to borrow money from Wonga.com.

The resolution was passed an overwhelming majority of Greece’s governing coalition who agreed the terms to secure a new financial rescue package would be more favourable with the short term loan website.

A spokesman for Wonga.com confirmed the money could be deposited into Greece’s central bank within minutes of their online application.

Sound economic decision

The shock move came after extended talks and multiple online comparisons.  The change in direction will also give the country the flexibility to put off repayments until their next pay day.

Speaking in Parliament following the last minute vote, Geek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos credited Finance Minister Evangelos Venizelos for making use of moneysupermarket.com to discover they could get a better deal on borrowing money elsewhere.

“Mr Venizelos has done his country a great service today,” said the Prime Minister before holding out his thumb and index held together.  “We were this close to confirming the terms of the EU bailout, we have truly dodged a bullet.”

“It came down to deciding whether we wanted to repay the money at a rate of 4165 per cent, or let our country be run by Angela Merkel.”

With an APR of over 4,000 per cent, Papademos admitted “the repayment terms are horrendous,” but pointed out that they were still better than the financial package offered by Germany.

Shopping around

Mr Venizelos said how the process “couldn’t be simpler,” and indicated he would not hesitate to recommend the service to other EU countries struggling with crippling national debts.

“It’s all fully automated.  We can simply move the first slider to the amount of money we need to keep our country running [approx €180billion] and move the second slider to set how long we want it for [a generation].”

Indeed, Papademos confessed his only regret was his predecessor’s failure to make use of Wonga.com in 2010 and with the debt crisis solved has now turned his attention to growing the countries cash reserves.

“I have seen many websites that will allow us to earn €500 a day without leaving the house.”

“With all these opportunities, I don’t know how we got into financial problems in the first place.”

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Nigerian President Sends Email Request For Financial Aid

From: Abuja, Nigeria

 To: The esteemed President / Prime Minister,

As you are no doubt aware, our country is under attack by the extremist group Boko Haram who continue to terrorise those in the south.  I write to you to request assistance from your government to help rid us of these militant scoundrels.

The terrible scenes of violence must be stopped and having consulted with my ministers, I offer you the opportunity of a lifetime to aid your troubled counterparts and make your country very rich in turn.

Let me explain the current situation.

To fight back against Boko Haram I planned to deploy peacekeeping personnel highly trained in matters of keeping the peace.  As you will no doubt be fully aware this requires monies of substance to maintain.  Sometimes securing the peace feel like marriage to Heather Mills.  I jest.

However, it is important to remind you that in a state of emergency even I am forbidden to conduct the transactions necessary to provide the funds needed to enable our peacekeepers to peacekeep.

I believe it is what you call a “catch em 22” and that is where you come in.

Being a person of your advanced educational skills, I am certain there is no need to explain to you that without bringing a stop to the fighting our monies remain in a suspended account at our Central Bank of Nigeria.

However, as president I have the ability to authorise our central bank to transfer the sum of $47,500,000,000.00 (Forty seven billion, five hundred million dollars) from our vast oil revenues into your international account which can then be use to fund our fight against terrorism.

I’m sure you understand these are very substantial and vast sums as I have just told you this fact.  Once the violence is brought to an end, you can transfer the money back to my country and keep a percentage for yourself.

Sharing is caring as they say.

The total sum will be shared as follows: 70% for us and 30% for you.  As you can see these terms are on par with the Apple application shop and as such I am sure you will find them fair.

The transfer is risk free on both sides and as I am president of this country I have the authority to say such things as I am saying to you currently.

If you find this proposal acceptable, I shall require the following document to begin the fight back against extremism:

  1. Your nation’s central banker’s name, telephone, account and fax number.
  2. Your own private telephone and fax number – for confidentiality and easy communication.
  3. Your letter headed paper stamped and signed.
  4. You diary dates indicating the time you will be out of the country – for improved schedule coordination.

Please call me at your convenience on 18-467-4975 or contact our bank at presidentbank@yahoo.com.

Time is of the essence as I have mentioned the sooner you act the more monies there will be with your name on.

I look forward to your assistance and solicit absolute confidentiality from you on this opportunity.  Please do not inform any other heads of states unless this is the head of Greece, Italy or Spain, in which case please forward this correspondence to another country.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Goodluck Jonathan
President, Nigeria

P.S. Please be aware that if you receive such letters from other troubled heads of state they may be scams aimed at prying your nation’s monies away from you.

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Greece Banned From Using Amazon 1-Click Ordering

ATHENS – In a move to tackle uncontrolled levels of national spending, The EU has decided to ban Greece from making purchases through Amazon’s 1-Click ordering.

The move – made in the face Greece’s staggering debt – will force the country to review purchases thoroughly before committing to buying.

Leading economists backed the decision to cut Greece off from Amazon’s expedited ordering system which they had ‘absolutely abused’ while unknowingly racking up unnecessary purchases thought to be worth at least €100 billion.

‘We got carried away’

The European Commission, the European Central Bank and the IMF are due in Athens this week to review Greece’s order history.

“Greece has shown itself incapable of handling the responsibility that comes with 1-Click shopping,” blasted European Commission head Jose Manuel Barroso.

Mr Barroso confirmed Greece will now be restricted to the standard method of ordering so that it would be forced to stop and think “before ordering a dinner plate set it was only going to smash up anyway.”

Showing disgust for a lack of self-control, he continued: “We have all suffered lapses in judgement when we get excited and buy that Britney Spears album when we should know better…but Greece has taken it too far and as a direct result of their compulsive shopping came very close to collapsing the Euro.”

Greece initially requested that Germany underwrites the items still on its wishlist – a request immediately denied by Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Prime Minister George Papandreou admitted there was a serious problem and said the current debt crisis provided stark waning of the dangers of a system that allowed you to make purchases in less time than it takes to say ‘Papandreou’.

“It’s so easy to lose control,” he confessed.  “You see something you like and before you know it, the package is on its way.  We don’t even see the shopping basket…we never had a chance.”

Way too convenient

He added that in retrospect they didn’t need to buy the entire DVD collection of Friends, “but when it’s just a click away there’s no time to think these things through.”

Mr Papandreou was later heard screaming “It’s just too damn easy!”

Italy PM Silvio Berlusconi did offer some sympathy, saying he understood how difficult it was to resist the allure of instant gratification but Greece “seriously needed to control itself in the face of such temptations.”

With 1-Click purchases denied, analysts expect the country to see a budget surplus by 2012.

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EU Fear Greece Spending Bailout Money On Secret Drug Addiction

ATHENS – After calls for more financial aid following two seemingly ineffective rescue packages, the EU now suspect Greece of spending bailout money to fund a hidden drug addiction.

Though yet to be confirmed European leaders have grown concerned the debt-laden country has shown no apparent progress since last year, leading member countries to draw what they believe is a reasonable conclusion: Greece has been using the money to fund a secret addiction to heroin.

EU President Herman van Rompuy said the theory made more sense than the idea a country’s finances could be so screwed up that despite two substantial bailouts totalling over €100 billion,  it remained on the edge of bankruptcy.

‘Greece was such a nice country’

Behavioural psychologist Sophia Roland seemed to confirm fears when she confirmed Greece was showing “all the classic signs” of harbouring a secret addiction.

“Greece is always in financial trouble and despite receiving substantial support with vast sums of money they remain in much the same position they were in last year. ”

“I’m afraid this is a textbook case of attempting to hide substance abuse from plain view.”

Mrs Roland predicted that Greece would continue asking for more money unless it was confronted by those countries close to it.  “My cousin had the same problem so I know what a closet junkie looks like.”

The EU said officials would halt the handout of financial aid and return to Greece to check for needle marks.

‘We just want to help’

Greece has however denied the allegations, maintaining it is just really bad at “finance stuff” and requested more than 8bn that it needed “real soon man, please”.

They later offered to sell the Netherlands what was found to be a stolen iPhone for €2 billion.

Although there was a desire among EU nations to help, there were worries that denial of further bailout could see Greece resort to more drastic means of raising money like theft or performing sexual acts on Hungary for money to feed it’s dependence.

Herman van Rompuy believed an intervention was the best option as help could only occur when Greece was forced to admit it has a problem.  He also expressed regret to see the once great nation fall so far.

“This is the country that started math for heavens sake…we can’t have them out there sucking d*ck for a fix.  It’s a tragedy.”

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China Scolds US For Bringing Home ‘Shameful’ Grades

BEIJING – China has launched an astonishing attack on the United States after it received ‘shameful’ grades in it’s latest credit rating report card.

Despite scraping triple A’s from Moody’s and Fitch and a AAA+ in PE, the AA+ grade means the US has fallen ‘well short’ of Chinese expectations, having failed the economic portion of finals exams.

Expressing their ‘severe disappointment’, largest holder of US treasury bills said it would not tolerate someone they provide ongoing financial support to bring home anything less than straight triple A’s.

They also warned if the grades didn’t pick up fast they would hand out “one hell of a spanking.”

Must do better

A spokesperson for the S&P said the outcome could have been avoided if the US had just studied well ahead of time for the debt ceiling portion of examinations instead of trying to cram meaningful debate on a balanced, growth oriented economic policy the night before.

China are thought to be particularly disappointed over America’s failure considering “we buy everything for them so they can to focus on getting good grades.”

A Chinese official was quoted as saying: “Why they not get triple A huh?  AA+ not good enough.  Maybe in Belgium’s house, but not here.  They may as well bring home F.  Same thing!”

The source also confirmed there was ‘no way’ this report card would be put on the fridge.

To make matters worse the agency issued a negative outlook, meaning the US could be forced to sit in the Special Ed classes with Ireland and Greece if it continued it’s downward slide.

‘Where did we go wrong?’

China have now called on the US to get itself get a tutor and increase the number of hours it spent studying amid worries the downgrade would prevent the world’s largest economy to get into a good Ivy League school.

For it’s part, the United States blamed the fall in grades on the fact it was “going through some stuff right now, okay.”

A spokeswoman for the S&P did offer some optimism for concerned China, reminding that the top grade was only missed by a mere margin of endless bi-partisan bickering, which could be improved by taking extra classes.

She added: “If America buckles down, studies hard and makes a real effort to move beyond childlike partisan politics it might avoid having to repeat the year.”

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