ATHENS – In a move to toughen financial regulations, Eurozone finance ministers have demanded Greece eat pig anus in order to secure future bailout payments.
During a meeting of Eurozone ministers, chaired byJean-Claude Juncker set conditions Greece must meet before receiving further financial aid which include “consuming 500 individual pig anuses in a five minute period.”
It is the first time a nation has had to swallow this much swine rectum since Buy One Get One Free Hot Dog Day at Yankee stadium in 1998.
Speaking to Greek leadership, Mr Juncker said tough conditions were necessary to ensure Greece took their fiscal responsibilities seriously. “If they want the aid they are obliged to consume pig anus to meet the requirements as set by the EU and International Monetary Fund. These are the rules.”
The latest demands may prove too much for the near bankrupt country however, with reports suggesting the Greek parliament remains hesitant to approve the terms they say have become too much to stomach.
“It is no secret Greece needs further cash injection to maintain the stability of our economy,” admitted Greek Finance Minister Yannis Stournaras. “But pig anus?! How much do we really need this money anyway?”
After confirming the country needs the money that much, the Greek parliament are now in talks to relax the terms of the bailout to something slightly less revolting like fermented sheep urine or a Wendy’s family meal.
New economic arbiter Joe Rogan said the EU needs to see strong political assurance that Greece had the stomach for austerity, calling to Greek leadership to “step up” and do what had to be done.
He went on to remind Greece “the pig anuses aren’t going anywhere”, asking: “how bad do you want this cash?” Before adding: “Oh c’moooon. Just do it. It’ll be over before you know it.”
‘Can’t we talk about this’
Although in support of tough economic measures, German Chancellor Angela Merkel did not rule concessions, suggesting “breath mints can be made available while they eat their quota of pig anus. We are not unreasonable people.”
With many Eurozone countries in similar economic crisis, analysts are predicting a wide range of demands in order to sure up faltering economies.”
“The anus thing sounds bad,” said Paul Sheen of Citigroup, but warned “this may just be the tip of the donkey penis and testicles that Spain will likely have to eat to get their bailout.”