UNITED KINGDOM – The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice list after this year’s delivery of presents.
A recent Yuletide report has shown children from the poorest fifth of the population are much less likely to get on the list of nice children than those from the richest group.
UNITED KINGDOM – David Cameron has called for a slap on the wrist amendment to the list of laws recommended in the Leveson Report into media ethics.
The Prime Minister, who is still looking for a way to avoid the issue of media regulation altogether, said the amendment “would go a long way to making a token gesture”.
Mr Cameron rejected claims he had dismissed the report too early, saying that he was simply putting it off it the hopes it would go away.
The amendment has been drafted by a joint committee of Conservative ministers, and stipulates: “In the event of gross misconduct perpetrated by a media organisation including, but not limited to, hacking the phones of dead schoolgirls”, the government would be given “full authority to exert firm force on the upper portion of the wrist of said media organisation as a means of indicating its extreme displeasure at the aforementioned bad act.”
Any wrist slapping would be followed by telling the media organisation to “think long and hard about what they have done.”
Mr Cameron said with proper enforcement he was sure acts of gross misconduct like those uncovered during the Leveson inquiry would be a thing of the past.
“This is the right thing to do,” the PM said. “It would ensure that problems are dealt with in the lightest of manners while giving the impression I was dealing with the core issue.”
Mr Cameron claimed the draft bill will allow future misconduct to be dealt with in principle “while keeping Rupert Murdoch happy.”
Opposition government rejected the proposals as weak and demanded the coalition take tougher measures to properly punish newspapers in a way they would feel, suggesting Mr Cameron send Nick Clegg to work for any organisation found to have run afoul of the guidelines outlined in the Leveson Report.
“What Mr Cameron has proposed simply doesn’t go far enough,” blasted Labour leader Ed Miliband.”Now is the time to take a strong stand against a culture of bad behaviour.”
“Sending Nick to work for just a week would show that this government was serious about enforcement.”
“No more empty threats.”
UNITED KINGDOM – Two members of the Conservative party have been charged with forcing destitute Liberal Democrats in servitude a court has heard.
Prime Minister David Cameron, 45, and his chancellor George Osborne, 41, were charged with multiple counts of keeping another party in squalid conditions for three years as a minority government.
The pair deny all charges, arguing the victims willingly entered into the arrangement.
Earlier this week, Westminster Crown Court heard that victims were made to serve a worthless position for no respect and slept in a constant state of insignificance.
The court was told both conservatives were guilty of conspiracy to prey on desperate men and women taken from the political wilderness and hold them in servitude.
“Their disdain for the dignity of others is hard to watch,” declared a judge who said their actions were “pure evil”. He then stopped talking about the latest budget and resumed his commentary on the trial.
Witnesses had earlier told the court that victims were verbally abused, mostly by people who voted for them, and often subjected to ridicule for the amusement of others.
“What these people have done is beyond reproach,” blasted the judge. “When cold and calculating people take advantage of the weakest members of society in such a way it is up to the upstanding individuals to say no,” said Haynes.
Focusing on one victim in particular, he described how Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne “have forced ‘victim x’ to performing in an empty political role as Deputy Prime Minister day after day in the “cruelest” of fashions.
The judge went on to say the pair should be ashamed to have treated another human being in such a way and if they had once ounce of mercy would call a General Election to put the victims out of their misery.
One man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told authorities how he managed to escape to the Green Party and described a life of being treated “like a Liberal Democrat” for an “unbearably” long time.
In his police interview which was played to the court, he said: “I didn’t like it but they said I couldn’t leave and said if I tried to leave we would never have a chance of Alternative Vote.”
The trial continues.
UNITED KINGDOM – Coalition leaders David Cameron and Nick Clegg have agreed to seek professional help and take counseling sessions in a bid to repair their troubled relationship.
Following recent poor election results , the couple cited “political differences” and “budget issues” as primary factors in the current breakdown of their relationship.
The Deputy Prime Minister is also understood to have highlight a “lack of intimacy” during policy making sessions in Parliament.
Though this week saw the pair renew their vows, relationship experts have dismissed the exercise as a sham.
“This is very typical behaviour,” said marriage counsellor Pamela Mitchell. “When two people feel pressure to make their relationship appear copacetic they will often look to such grand public gestures like roses, balloons, or reaffirming political mandates expressed when they were first forced to meet.”
“But this outward show of demonstrating undying commitment to each others political views does nothing to address the issues below the surface.”
City businessman Michael Spencer suggested trouble has been brewing for some time after a dinner with David Cameron and other Tory donors.
“Nick wasn’t in the room and the money was flowing so I think Dave was more relaxed and said things he otherwise wouldn’t have – these things happen.”
During the dinner, the Prime Minister is said to have indicated a tendency by Nick Clegg to “nag nag nag,” adding: “As soon as I walk through the door that’s all I get from him. Nag nag nag.”
Mimicking his deputy in a nasal tone, Mr Cameron continued: “‘But David, we can’t pass this health care bill in its current form, it’s not fair.’”
“’But David, we should at least consider the benefits of a pro-EU stance before distancing ourselves from its key leaders.’”
“Nag nag nag.”
Perhaps the most revealing comment came when the Conservative leader claimed: “It makes me want to hold snap election now and be done with it.”
Meanwhile, it’s understood the Deputy Prime Minister is unhappy at David Cameron’s inability to “really listen” to his issues.
Privately, Mr Clegg has told others he felt that “Dave doesn’t understand what I want…or maybe he does and just doesn’t care about me or my desire for alternative voting.”
“Sometimes after a long day when we’re talking about plans I have for government, I just see his eyes glaze over.”
“He always denies it, but I know. Call it a deputy’s intuition.”
LONDON – In an announcement that has rocked the investigative world to its core, Sherlock Holmes has confessed he has yet to solve the mystery of why Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg is still in government.
Despite his renowned powers of astute logical reasoning, the master detective claims he has ‘struggled’ to make any progress on this particular case in a frank admission to the general population earlier this week.
A further uncharacteristic move has seen Mr Holmes calling on ordinary members of the public to suggest clues that could help shed light into Nick Clegg’s continued existence within the coalition government.
The genius investigator has been on the case since early 2010 but is no closer to a breakthrough that could lead a step closer to the truth.
“Both I and Watson have committed considerable time and energy in our thus far fruitless efforts to ascertain why this Mr Clegg is still around or even what he does – Over a year and we have nothing.”
Mr Holmes has described conducting interviews with several citizens in the search for genuine leads on Nick Clegg’s purpose, but continues to receive “the same blanks stares.”
Attempting to use deductive logic, he had earlier tried hypothesised that if Nick Clegg was voted into government, “he must have had popular support. That must mean he was credible candidate for the position.”
“If he was a credible candidate, that must mean he brings something valuable to the table…but I’m afraid that is where the logic breaks down.”
The struggle has even lead Holmes to suggest that the baffling inclusion of Nick Clegg in government affairs could be the work of archenemy Professor Moriarty in an attempt to keep Holmes distracted while he conducts crimes.
The inability to find a link between Nick Clegg and relevance is proving such an issue, close friend Watson has told of his concern over seeing his partner “clearly affected” by the ordeal and perhaps more alarmingly, noticed his Mr Holmes “indulging in far narcotics than usual.”
“I’ve never seen him like this before. The old boy is really shaken up by the whole thing,” Watson told an assembly of stunned reporters.
“Usually he would have solved the case by now but this one has him royally stumped…he just can’t figure it out. No one can.”
BEIJING – After calling the current level of human rights violations shameful, China have vowed to bring the number of atrocities “down to acceptable levels.”
Addressing the international community, Chinese President Hu Jintao committed to seeing the recorded cases of torture and abuse suffered by dissidents at the hands of the government reduced by “at least 50% over the next four years.”
He is said to be saddened to learn that the number abuse cases caused by state officials was six times the acceptable limit and pledged to “tone it down.”
It’s also thought that lowering the current figures will help with administration as trying to hide evidence of that many violations is very hard work, according to the government.
President Hu acknowledged that a lot will need to be done in China to bring acts of human depravity in line with international standards.
Asked to justify China’s human rights record, Mr Hu conceded it was “pretty high, there’s no denying that. We got carried away over the last few decades – sorry about that.”
“We’ve heard the feedback and will endeavour to reduce our figures to something much more palatable.”
The Chinese government is to issue guidelines to make it clear what constituted torture and what was simply enhanced disagreement.
China also agreed to outsource the bulk of it’s current abuse management to countries in the Middle East in a model similar to that used in the west which could see a further 17% reduction in recorded cases year over year.
“We will let someone else carry out unspeakable treatment of prisoners on our behalf, so those numbers won’t count against us.”
Hu assured skeptics by also announcing a bi-annual report into the number of atrocities committed to demonstrate to the international community that they were serious about staying within what was known as the “green zone” of human suffering rates.
They warned however, that they could not bring the total to zero as there would always be a “natural level of government sponsored abuse that could not be avoided.”
Still, he remained optimistic about reach the stated target:
“We think a couple dozen abuse violations per officer per a month is reasonable for a country of our size. At least that’s less people than watch Jersey Shore.”
ENGLAND – Justice Secretary Ken Clarke has defended a homeless man’s right to defence after going on a killing spree inside his street corner home.
In a police report, Charles Sherman – 38 – is said to have taken a ‘shank’ to three individuals claimed to have entered his home in what he judged to be multiple burglary attempts.
Mr Clarke maintained no criminal offence has been committed after clarifying the law on self-defence of the home, declaring that Mr Sherman was entitled to use “whatever force necessary” to protect his possessions.
Though he had never heard of Ken Clarke, Mr Sherman said he was glad to hear of the ruling after successfully defending ‘me things’ from potential theft.
Under the terms of the 2008 Criminal Justice and Immigration Act, homeowners who use “reasonable force” to protect themselves against intruders should not be prosecuted, “so I don’t see what the issue is here?” argued Clarke.
“What were they doing in this man’s home anyway? Just passing by? I’m not buying it.”
Weighing in on the debate, Prime Minister David Cameron said it was beyond doubt that the homeless man used reasonable force to defend himself and should not be prosecuted.
“We make it quite clear you can hit the burglar with the poker or stab them with an improvised shiv and you have the perfect defence that will hold up in court,” he said.
Despite the explanation from government, some remained confused over where the self-defence line was drawn – but Mr Clarke was unequivocal:
“Everyone knows the rules on the street. If a person moves within three feet of your living space and fails to heed your expletive warnings, then they can be deemed a threat and rightfully shanked.”
“Nobody should prosecute and nobody should ever convict anybody who takes those steps.”
Charles Sherman said he was just pleased to make it through another day and asked if anyone could lend him 50p for food.
ENGLAND – The UK government has said it will hand over responsibility of servicing all non-emergency health calls to Domino’s Pizza.
The announcement comes on the back pressure to find £20 billion in savings and the change to front line service would see a saving of £1 billion, plus a free medium pizza for health related calls made on weekdays between noon and 2pm.
After a survey revealed that nearly a quarter of all callers to the NHS ended up self diagnosing themselves with pizza, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said the fast food franchise was a perfect fit with NHS care.
“At present, people can be confused about who to contact when having stomach problems or experience dizziness and many end up calling Dominoes anyway as pizza is often the cure.”
The plan – which will see NHS staff transferred to their local Domino’s store for retraining – marks the beginning of the move to combine public health care with private elements “where it makes sense to do so,” and has lead to interest from other private companies such as McDonald’s, interested in handling paediatric care.
The announcement has also received severe criticism from nurses who fear jobs could be lost to local deliverymen as well as voicing concerns that every diagnosis will end in an order for a Full House, garlic bread with BBQ sauce and a Diet Coke.
A Department of Health spokesman denied the move would lower standard of care. She said: ‘This is not purely a cost cutting exercise, but is about bringing patient care and great pizza closer together. It’s in Domino’s interests to keep patients alive.’
Mr Lansley did admit there would “naturally be growing pains, like people taking up time with emergency calls or those who mistakenly dialed thinking they were calling Pizza Hut.” He denied callers would be short-changed in terms of care, but did admit they may still be short-changed if they paid at their door.
Domino’s will remain free to call and staffed by a team of fully trained ‘call advisers’, on hand to assess callers’ medical and lunch time needs.
Patients would be able to make appointments with a GP or in an emergency, have an ambulance sent “in 30 minutes or less.”
MOGADISHU – A gang of Somali pirates have officially unveiled a new line of unsuspecting hostages which they believed would totally ‘revolutionise’ the way governments bartered for human life.
At an invite-only press conference, pirate leader Ali al-Ibrahim claimed the held foreign nationals were ‘lighter, thinner and even more haggard and distressed looking’ than the captives released just last year. The audience also learned that they would be available for release “only when we get the ransom money.”
Packaged in the original clothing they were kidnapping in, the hostages are available in white only.
On the back of the announcement, the pirates are expected to begin cutting their asking prices for old hostages by an estimated 20 percent, bringing the cost of last year’s captives into a price range that would surely attract buyers previously put off by the high asking price of repatriating hapless individuals taken against their will.
Analysts all commended the price drop which provides ‘super value’ for those in the market for human life as “foreign nations are usually on the fence over buying hostages due to the high price for what they consider a non-essential purchase,” said senior pirate analyst Chris Matthews.
“But at this price, you’ll be handing over a million bucks to buy two of them.”
The announcement has not been without criticism however, as a section of disgruntled governments including Britain, who purchased Mr and Mrs Chandlers last year for £500,000 didn’t appreciate being pressured to invest in newer hostages that looked “pretty much the same as the ones we just bought back.”
Despite criticism of their business model, Somali pirates are expected to sell a bucket load of hostages back to the same nations they were taken from for a ‘very healthy’ markup – thought to be somewhere around 2000%.
Matthews said it was a testament to their ingenuity that they have been able to create a multi-million dollar market from a product category few thought they would be buying from prior to the total collapse of the Somali economy.
To this he credited the ‘genius’ marketing strategy, which made heavy use of footage showcasing the actual hostage in their working state: distressed and under nourished.
“With advertising like that, who wouldn’t want to buy a hostage back.”
LONDON – The anti-spending cuts demonstration took an ugly turn after widespread reports of police offers using ‘excessive levels of force’ on themselves as they sought to keep their protests under control.
The Metropolitan Police have admitted to receiving an ‘alarming’ number of complaints following the self-inflicted violence that marred the protests in London on Saturday.
It emerged that every officer at the march put in a complaint against himself for using what was deemed to be heavy-handed crowd control tactics. Those with the largest weapons complained the loudest as they wasted no time physically beating themselves back for publicly demonstrating anger over planned cuts to public spending.
Alfred Fernandes, a 15 year veteran, described how he over-reacted to his part in the largely peaceful event by tasering himself as he tried to maintain order in the face of what he deemed to be his ‘threatening actions’.
Indeed, many officers were left shocked at the extreme lengths they went to keep order among themselves.
There were even numerous reports of self intimidation, with one officer revealing how he stood in front of his mirror before leaving and threatened to ‘smash in my skull’ in if he even thought of joining the calls for the government put and end to debilitating cuts.
Marion Walters, 57, a tourist from Yeovil said it begged belief how the police felt it appropriate to go at themselves with such brute force. “There are so many tourists here. What are they going to think?’”
The disturbing scenes sparked fierce calls for an enquiry into how members of the Metropolitan police would adequately protect themselves against themselves in the event of further demonstrations.
Scotland Yard commander Bob Broadhurst believed the first step would be to make sure all officers involved had a stern talk with themselves.
Broadhurst empathised with police who were victims of self-abuse, defending their right to protest un-self-molested as complaints continued to pour in.
“Never been treated so poorly!” blasted Constable Craig Marshall, one of the first to file an official complaint after placing himself in handcuffs for ‘no good reason’.
“I came out of nowhere,” Marshall accused before adding: “when I laid hands on me I knew I had gone too far. What gives me the right to manhandle myself like that?!”
He later defended his actions however, insisting that he looked like a potential danger and was “pretty sure I had it coming.”
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