Tag Archive | "government"

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Nigel Farage Blasts Immigrant Policy As Saharan Dust Settles In UK


UNITED KINGDOM – Nigel Farage has demanded a tougher immigration policy after large amounts of dust were allowed to migrate from Africa and settle in the UK this week.

The UK Independence Party leader said the coalition’s “soft” immigration policy had opened the door for Saharan dust to enter the UK “without any stringent checks”.

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Republicans Accuse Obama Of Using Presidential Powers To Run Country


WASHINGTON D.C. – The nation’s most prominent Republicans have hit out at Barack Obama after he threatened to use his powers as President to run the country.

Following the annual State of the Union address, conservative figures voiced concerns that the President would now misuse his position to embark on a wanton campaign of “achieving goals”.

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Illuminati To Take Break, Will Let World Run Itself For A While


NEW YORK – Illuminati leadership have announced they will take a month-long break from covertly controlling world events to let things play out on their own for a bit.

High ranking members of the organisation admitted the effort of perpetuating an all-pervasive Judeo-Masonic conspiracy establish total world domination was “starting to take its toll”.

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Home Office To Inundate Illegal Immigrants with PPI Calls


UNITED KINGDOM – The Home Office have begun plans to force illegal immigrants out of the country by inundating them with irrelevant calls about mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance.

Under the scheme, people believed to have illegal status will be called by a tone deaf agent asking if the individual would like assistance claiming back money spent on PPI.

Those targeted would also have their protests and desperate pleas to be removed from the database ignored.

Tough measures

A Home Office official described the scheme:

“Our system individually analyses each suspected offender, so someone may only receive one call a day.”

“For more serious abusers we can crank that up to multiple calls a day.”

And in situations regarding “problem individuals”, unnecessary phone calls would be combined with automated voice messages.  Enough to force the target out of the country “within a month or so by reasonable estimates”.

However,  the scheme has come under sharp criticism as a number of legal UK residents had received calls, including civil right activist Suresh Grover and immigration lawyer Bobby Chan.  The latter saying the messages created an atmosphere of fear, leaving honest Britains afraid to answer their phones during the day.

Mr Grover said he was “shocked” and “horrified” to be contacted in such a way considering he had a British passport and had definitely not taken out any form of PPI that he could remember.

‘Don’t they check before they call?’

Despite protests, the measure is seeing immediate results with a growing number of immigrants citing “flipping PPI calls” as the number one reason they now question whether they will stay in the country.

“I come to England with hope in my heart,” recalled Mr Ermir Sulejmani who has lived in the country illegally for eight and a half years.  “In my country…no food. No work. Many violence.  No future.”

“But now I get calls for ‘PPI’?  Everyday, three times. No stop. Always PPI.  I’m here almost 10 years and never heard of PPI until now?!”

“I take my family back home next week.”

Surprisingly, Labour leadership backed the plans and described the government’s tactics as “highly effective” and one we cannot argue over “as much as we would like to”.

“To be honest,” began Labour leader Ed Miliband, “we’d love to rip the government a new one over this…but it’s a bloody good idea.”

“I’ve had a number of these damned PPI calls myself and I’m this close to packing my bags.”

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Government Calls on Santa to Get More Poor Children on Nice List


UNITED KINGDOM – The government has called on Santa Claus to get more children from poorer backgrounds on to the Nice List after this year’s delivery of presents.

A recent Yuletide report has shown children from the poorest fifth of the population are much less likely to get on the list of nice children than those from the richest group.

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David Cameron Calls For Leveson To Add “Slap on the Wrist” Clause To Report


UNITED KINGDOM – David Cameron has called for a slap on the wrist amendment to the list of laws recommended in the Leveson Report into media ethics.

The Prime Minister, who is still looking for a way to avoid the issue of media regulation altogether, said the amendment “would go a long way to making a token gesture”.

Mr Cameron rejected claims he had dismissed the report too early, saying that he was simply putting it off it the hopes it would go away.

Minor changes

The amendment has been drafted by a joint committee of Conservative ministers,  and stipulates: “In the event of gross misconduct perpetrated by a media organisation including, but not limited to, hacking the phones of dead schoolgirls”, the government would be given “full authority to exert firm force on the upper portion of the wrist of said media organisation as a means of indicating its extreme displeasure at the aforementioned bad act.”

Any wrist slapping would be followed by telling the media organisation to “think long and hard about what they have done.”

Mr Cameron said with proper enforcement he was sure acts of gross misconduct like those uncovered during the Leveson inquiry would be a thing of the past.

“This is the right thing to do,” the PM said.  “It would ensure that problems are dealt with in the lightest of manners while giving the impression I was dealing with the core issue.”

Mr Cameron claimed the draft bill will allow future misconduct to be dealt with in principle “while keeping Rupert Murdoch happy.”

Opposition backlash

Opposition government rejected the proposals as weak and demanded the coalition take tougher measures to properly punish newspapers in a way they would feel, suggesting Mr Cameron send Nick Clegg to work for any organisation found to have run afoul of the guidelines outlined in the Leveson Report.

“What Mr Cameron has proposed simply doesn’t go far enough,” blasted Labour leader Ed Miliband.”Now is the time to take a strong stand against a culture of bad behaviour.”

“Sending Nick to work for just a week would show that this government was serious about enforcement.”

“No more empty threats.”

 

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Conservatives Charged With Keeping Liberal Democrats in Servitude


UNITED KINGDOM – Two members of the Conservative party have been charged with forcing destitute Liberal Democrats in servitude a court has heard.

Prime Minister David Cameron, 45, and his chancellor George Osborne, 41, were charged with multiple counts of keeping another party in squalid conditions for three years as a minority government.

The pair deny all charges, arguing the victims willingly entered into the arrangement.

‘No one should have to live like this’

Earlier this week, Westminster Crown Court heard that victims were made to serve a worthless position for no respect and slept in a constant state of insignificance.

The court was told both conservatives were guilty of conspiracy to prey on desperate men and women taken from the political wilderness and hold them in servitude.

“Their disdain for the dignity of others is hard to watch,” declared a judge who said their actions were “pure evil”.  He then stopped talking about the latest budget and resumed his commentary on the trial.

Witnesses had earlier told the court that victims were verbally abused, mostly by people who voted for them, and often subjected to ridicule for the amusement of others.

“What these people have done is beyond reproach,” blasted the judge. “When cold and calculating people take advantage of the weakest members of society in such a way it is up to the upstanding individuals to say no,” said Haynes.

Focusing on one victim in particular, he described how Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne “have forced ‘victim x’ to performing in an empty political role as Deputy Prime Minister day after day in the “cruelest” of fashions.

Poor conditions

The judge went on to say the pair should be ashamed to have treated another human being in such a way and if they had once ounce of mercy would call a General Election to put the victims out of their misery.

One man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told authorities how he managed to escape to the Green Party and described a life of being treated “like a Liberal Democrat” for an “unbearably” long time.

In his police interview which was played to the court, he said: “I didn’t like it but they said I couldn’t leave and said if I tried to leave we would never have a chance of Alternative Vote.”

The trial continues.

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David Cameron and Nick Clegg To Attend Relationship Counseling


UNITED KINGDOM – Coalition leaders David Cameron and Nick Clegg have agreed to seek professional help and take counseling sessions in a bid to repair their troubled relationship.

Following recent poor election results , the couple cited “political differences” and “budget issues” as primary factors in the current breakdown of their relationship.

The Deputy Prime Minister is also understood to have highlight a “lack of intimacy” during policy making sessions in Parliament.

Troubled waters

Though this week saw the pair renew their vows, relationship experts have dismissed the exercise as a sham.

“This is very typical behaviour,” said marriage counsellor Pamela Mitchell.  “When two people feel pressure to make their relationship appear copacetic they will often look to such grand public gestures like roses, balloons, or reaffirming political mandates expressed when they were first forced to meet.”

“But this outward show of demonstrating undying commitment to each others political views does nothing to address the issues below the surface.”

City businessman Michael Spencer suggested trouble has been brewing for some time after a dinner with David Cameron and other Tory donors.

“Nick wasn’t in the room and the money was flowing so I think Dave was more relaxed and said things he otherwise wouldn’t have – these things happen.”

During the dinner, the Prime Minister is said to have indicated a tendency by Nick Clegg to “nag nag nag,” adding: “As soon as I walk through the door that’s all I get from him.  Nag nag nag.”

Mimicking his deputy in a nasal tone, Mr Cameron continued: “‘But David, we can’t pass this health care bill in its current form, it’s not fair.’”

“’But David, we should at least consider the benefits of a pro-EU stance before distancing ourselves from its key leaders.’”

“Nag nag nag.”

For better or worse

Perhaps the most revealing comment came when the Conservative leader claimed: “It makes me want to hold snap election now and be done with it.”

Meanwhile, it’s understood the Deputy Prime Minister is unhappy at David Cameron’s inability to “really listen” to his issues.

Privately, Mr Clegg has told others he felt that “Dave doesn’t understand what I want…or maybe he does and just doesn’t care about me or my desire for alternative voting.”

“Sometimes after a long day when we’re talking about plans I have for government, I just see his eyes glaze over.”

“He always denies it, but I know.  Call it a deputy’s intuition.”

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Sherlock Holmes ‘Struggling’ To Find Out Why Nick Clegg Still Around


LONDON – In an announcement that has rocked the investigative world to its core, Sherlock Holmes has confessed he has yet to solve the mystery of why Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg is still in government.

Despite his renowned powers of astute logical reasoning, the master detective claims he has ‘struggled’ to make any progress on this particular case in a frank admission to the general population earlier this week.

A further uncharacteristic move has seen Mr Holmes calling on ordinary members of the public to suggest clues that could help shed light into Nick Clegg’s continued existence within the coalition government.

Head Scratcher

The genius investigator has been on the case since early 2010 but is no closer to a breakthrough that could lead a step closer to the truth.

“Both I and Watson have committed considerable time and energy in our thus far fruitless efforts to ascertain why this Mr Clegg is still around or even what he does – Over a year and we have nothing.”

Mr Holmes has described conducting interviews with several citizens in the search for genuine leads on Nick Clegg’s purpose, but continues to receive “the same blanks stares.”

Attempting to use deductive logic, he had earlier tried hypothesised that if Nick Clegg was voted into government, “he must have had popular support.  That must mean he was credible candidate for the position.”

“If he was a credible candidate, that must mean he brings something valuable to the table…but I’m afraid that is where the logic breaks down.”

‘Anything but elementary’

The struggle has even lead Holmes to suggest that the baffling inclusion of Nick Clegg in government affairs could be the work of archenemy Professor Moriarty in an attempt to keep Holmes distracted while he conducts crimes.

The inability to find a link between Nick Clegg and relevance is proving such an issue, close friend Watson has told of his concern over seeing his partner “clearly affected” by the ordeal and perhaps more alarmingly, noticed his Mr Holmes “indulging in far narcotics than usual.”

“I’ve never seen him like this before.  The old boy is really shaken up by the whole thing,” Watson told an assembly of stunned reporters.

“Usually he would have solved the case by now but this one has him royally stumped…he just can’t figure it out.  No one can.”

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China To Bring Human Rights Violations Down To “Reasonable Levels”


BEIJING – After calling the current level of human rights violations shameful, China have vowed to bring the number of atrocities “down to acceptable levels.”

Addressing the international community, Chinese President Hu Jintao committed to seeing the recorded cases of torture and abuse suffered by dissidents at the hands of the government reduced by “at least 50% over the next four years.”

He is said to be saddened to learn that the number abuse cases caused by state officials was six times the acceptable limit and pledged to “tone it down.”

Improving standards

It’s also thought that lowering the current figures will help with administration as trying to hide evidence of that many violations is very hard work, according to the government.

President Hu acknowledged that a lot will need to be done in China to bring acts of human depravity in line with international standards.

Asked to justify China’s human rights record, Mr Hu conceded it was “pretty high, there’s no denying that.  We got carried away over the last few decades – sorry about that.”

“We’ve heard the feedback and will endeavour to reduce our figures to something much more palatable.”

The Chinese government is to issue guidelines to make it clear what constituted torture and what was simply enhanced disagreement.

China also agreed to outsource the bulk of it’s current abuse management to countries in the Middle East  in a model similar to that used in the west which could see a further 17% reduction in recorded cases year over year.

“We will let someone else carry out unspeakable treatment of prisoners on our behalf, so those numbers won’t count against us.”

‘We’re working on it’

Hu assured skeptics by also announcing a bi-annual report into the number of atrocities committed to demonstrate to the international community that they were serious about staying within what was known as the “green zone” of human suffering rates.

They warned however, that they could not bring the total to zero as there would always be a “natural level of government sponsored abuse that could not be avoided.”

Still, he remained optimistic about reach the stated target:

“We think a couple dozen abuse violations per officer per a month is reasonable for a country of our size.  At least that’s less people than watch Jersey Shore.”

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